My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

That bit about the dentist - how could he let someone he loves be in pain for a second longer than they needed to?!

What a monumental arse.

Cheesy, you are amazing. Well done for what you're doing for yourself and your DCs.

Lots of great advice Cheesy, keep going, the kids will benefit from your strength and determination on the finances too, get a forensic accountant organised through you solicitor ...

When discussing where to live, remember that he has shown precious little interest in spending time with his kids. If he cba to make it home to see them when they're in the same house, do you really trust that he will maintain regular contact after a split? He made promises to you and broke them within weeks.

Assume the worst for how involved he's going to be, and try to base finances on that. Even when he had family life handed to him on a plate he didn't take part. He sounds like he would say every other weekend, and promise child support, then make excuses not to see them and wriggle out of any payments.

Strongly consider whether or not you want to move "home" if so do it whilst he'll agree to it etc.

Horrible to read how financially abusive he's been over the years

The one thing I cant stand in men is meanness, when there is no reason to be so. My mums DH (2nd) was a clever guy, decent looking and a high earner, they were pretty comfortably off and used to have everything within an inch of its life on spreadsheets, she used to have to give him receipts for everything-- personally I found that very unattractive,

I've read through your thread OP and I'd just say be careful. Others have given you good advice about lawyers etc

He's not been reasonable throughout your marriage. He's shown you he can't change otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now.

He is only seeming reasonable now because he believes one of the following:
You'll change your mind and come begging back
He has some kind of leverage over you
He has a secret or something he doesn't want you to find out
He is plotting revenge

Best wishes

OMG you are me two years ago. Same story, sounds like the same husband as well, mine didn't give a shit either, and I finally left. I had a 12 year gap in my CV, no money, no family, a 10-year old with very complex needs. Now I am just kicking myself why I wasted so many years being a skivvy. Like you, I suffered badly from depression on and off, which I thought was PND but now I put it down to his emotional abuse starting when I got pregnant with DS1. As if by magic, my depression disappeared when I was free of him, almost overnight.

Leaving was the scariest thing, I left with literally a mattress and some clothes in a bag. Tax credits, child benefit, DLA and the fact that I got CMS onto him from the outset - rather than listening to any bullshit - guaranteed that I survived until I got a job. Now I love my life, I f*cking (sorry) love it. My three children are thriving and happy. Just do it. He is a tosser and not worth your time. You are nearly there, it's scary and shit and awful but your life will be so much better!

If he's happy for you to stay in the house and to pay the mortgage, speak to your solicitor about a deed of trust specifying those terms.

CheesyChristie I just read the whole thread in my lunch-hour and wanted to say nothing other than like all the others, I have nothing but admiration and love for you. I wish you much strength and love and light in the months ahead, which won't be easy ones. But assuming that you do go ahead with the split, there will come a day when you look around you and you will feel content, I promise. Your new life will be a source of pride and strength to you.
Everyone here is rooting for you, and I (just another random person on the internet) just wanted to add my two cents worth. Much love.

"He's said I should stay in the house and he'll keep paying the mortgage."

Be very wary of taking this at face value and making plans around it.
Ive seen a LOT of threads on here where theyve started off saying that, but seemingly because they love the idea that they are the kind of man that does that. When theyve been away from home for a month or two and seen the money going out, they tend to find they are no longer getting the smug "nice guy" feeling from it and instead will insist on dropping the amount sharply/protesting they cant pay their own rent/try and roll it in with the maintenance payments which they will also then try and reduce.

you can down size & go & live nearer your Mum,
he is away all week, the only down side is changing school for DS1
you are not stopping STBXH seeing them, he is already on the way to taking them out & about in London.
For him, it's just a train ride.
Do what is best for you & that includes a SHL.
Tosser

I could go and live near dm. I would dearly love that. I just worry so much that ds1 won't cope with the change. He has so much to cope with and I don't know if I can add settling him into a new school on top. I actually think he'd be ok with moving house it's just the school I worry about.

With preparation he will cope. Transitions can be managed and the summer holidays are coming up - an ideal time to make the change and he has time to settle into his new house before starting school in September.

Get that assertion of his about the house in writing, if you can!

Sell up and move. Much better to be near family.

Can't believe how your dh behaved. Terrible!. You've done the right thing. Myself and my dh have a joint account. I can take out what i need/want within reason of course. As his wife his money is yours. Certaintly half of it should be when you seperate. Wishing you all the best!

You mentioned earlier, that you were in a much better place when you had help from your Mum, you also need to consider your own mental health, if you are having trouble coping, then DS will also suffer.
I see that the school change would be a challenge, Yes, this whole split will be a challenge, but where you live, & the hands on help you can get from family is one step in the right direction.
I hasard a guess that he would rather keep paying "his" mortgage, this is keeping control of what you do, where you go, who you live with.
than give you half of the equity & see you move into a house of your own.
I agree with PP, that his magnaminous offers, may not ultimately come to fruition. he hasn't been generous previously, just letting you have toothache for weeks, instead of saying, "Oh God, get yourself to the dentist asap, here's a cheque". is definitely a sign.
& when he comes, crying, begging for pardon, saying he will change, telling you he loves you, (it will happen) I would remember that toothache.

I think you should move to be near your mum, for everyone's sake - yourself and your DCs. I agree with cece and Mix that it is both possible (for DS) and important (for you all).

I know it is so hard to make changes with your DS, but with preparation and social stories and lots of small steps, you will manage it. The benefits for yourself and your DC will be worth it in the long term. You will have support, you will be away from someone who disputes the diagnosis and therefore counters any adaptations needed to help your DS cope, you will be able to structure your life to meet those needs, you will feel more confident without someone picking holes in everything you do, you will cope better with the issues as you will have people around you to share the weight, oh and you will not need to spend a week with toothache ever again!

Another voice saying be wary of staying in the house.as well as the risks of him getting bored and dropping you in it if he decides to stop paying the mortgage, in his mind it is his house, his territory. I suspect his ideal would be that he lives in his flat in London as a single buck but his family life is preserved in aspic, in the familiar house, for him to dip into at will.

Stuff that. You need your own home and life he has nonsense of ownership of.

IF he's going to have a bachelor pad in London then Kent could well be the best place to be. I doubt he'll travel far to see his kids - day trips to London may be the only way to maintain the relationship.

What cece said. You could use the long summer holidays to help him and I'm sure the right new school could help with the process.

Let's say that you did move nearer your mum - are there other family members locally who are also supportive? Any good schools? A martial arts club your DS could join?

If that's where you feel best, seems a no brainer.

Hope you're doing ok Cheesy. Thinking of you as the weekend approaches, as I know your husband is usually around more then.

Thinking of you x

I know this isn't scintillating reading for everyone- it I can't be bothered to go through a whole back story. I'm reaching out for support and knowing I'm not alone. I've allowed myself to consider the prospect of leaving my partner for reasons It would take forever and a day to explain here. and it absolutely bloody terrifies me. I don't know how anyone ever does it. The crushing loss of all those shared memories and loss of the future you imagined. How does anyone do it?