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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
GinIsMySaviour · 21/04/2017 19:25

Another vote for Momon 's advice.

I am so deeply sorry you are in this shitty situation.

You do not deserve this. It is neither fair nor acceptable behaviour. You are clearly a strong and loving mother but just because you can cope with so little support, it doesn't mean you should have to.

I hope he sorts his shit out. If he does get drunk, take no prisoners tomorrow morning.

Flowers
Catgotyourbrain · 21/04/2017 19:26

He's behaving very badly

Aside from that fact, and not to give him an excuse- do you think he has traits of autism too? It's such a family thing and on my travels in ADHD diagnosis we have gone from DP saying 'oh that behaviour is normal, I was like that' to DP learning all about ADHD and actually initiating a diagnosis for himself. I know autism is very different but I do think it runs in families and the very nature of it can make parents see their child as perfectly normal because that's how they think too.

I hope you find a way through this - so diffficult

Bananamanfan · 21/04/2017 19:26

As pp said; phone hom now & let him know he will be looking after ds2 first thung tomorrow. Flowers

Squeegle · 21/04/2017 19:28

Very selfish. My ex was like this, he wouldn't come home when the babies were small. Actions speak louder than words and if he really won't change then I suggest you move back home. I was like you, it took time away to see how unhappy I was with him, and also how unsupportive he was Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/04/2017 19:28

Hi Cheesy, what do you want ultimately ?
Would you like to make your marriage work, or do you want out ?

Ceto · 21/04/2017 19:28

Phone him now and remind him why you need him home more or less immediately and sober. If you can't get through, text him. Ask him to confirm that he is on his way back and will be home by whatever time the first train will get him home, reminding him of your conversation.

If he still arrives home shitfaced, do as people have said - throw cold water over him in the morning, leave DS2 with him and tell him to get his act together. And see a solicitor on Monday to get your ducks in a row for a divorce if that's the route you decide to go down.

happypoobum · 21/04/2017 19:29

He sounds awful.

LTB

IamWendy · 21/04/2017 19:29

Wow. He really has the art of ducking out of parenting down, he's a real pro. All he is putting into this relationship is extra laundry by the sounds of it.

Would an iPad and copious amounts of crisps buy you peace during the grading?

yetmorecrap · 21/04/2017 19:30

What a cheek that he wanted kids and then has decided, oops it's harder work than he thought so leaves it to you

chocatoo · 21/04/2017 19:36

Don't do anything in haste. Could I suggest that you try and get yourself out and about a bit with the young mums in your area? So you can build up a bit of a support network for you. I moved to an area where I knew noone except my husband when DD was 2 - it was horrendous but I did eventually make some mates. I am lucky because we have a young and trendy WI in our village and the mates I made there saved me! If you can persuade your husband to start looking for jobs closer to your family in the slightly longer term, then you would have a plan to work to? Good luck x

Tweedledumb0 · 21/04/2017 19:37

He sounds an utter shit. Go back and be near your family and friends, you poor love.

If you're a SAHM, could you take DS1 off the roll and home ed until after the summer, and get him into school somewhere new then? It's worth thinking about....

QuiteLikely5 · 21/04/2017 19:48

Op

He has pushed you too far. He is living life as if he does not have any responsibilities and it's time you showed him what that looks like.

Your self respect and worth is low right now because your struggling to meet others, your son has been diagnosed and you have PND.

He is doing nada to alleviate any of your struggles and he deserves a massive wake up call.

Where are you in the uk?

ElisavetaFartsonira · 21/04/2017 19:48

Wouldn't ring him and tell him he's having DS2 tomorrow morning, it might prompt him to stay elsewhere. I do agree with texting him telling him why he needs to come home but otherwise, yeah, he's on toddler duty tomorrow.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 19:50

I echo those who say to tell him right now that you are going to the grading tomorrow and if he's hungover that's his problem. Then start looking at the possibility of leaving if he won't change. This can't go on. You're only in your 30s. As I've said to a few other women on here who are chained to knuckledragging apes, the only time you should be putting up with this shit is if you're 95, sweeping the floor with your chin hairs and every other man and chimpanzee in the world is dead.

HotNatured · 21/04/2017 19:54

Wow. Your H is a solid gold cunt, OP. Leave your son with him tomo he will have to cope, your other son shouldn't lose out because his father is a selfish prick. And then make firm plans to get the fuck away. 300 miles away sounds just far enough, actually. Just. Good luck Flowers

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 21/04/2017 19:55

He sounds like a selfish prick. You've asked him to step up and this is his answer.

When someone tells you what they are, listen. This man is telling you what he is - selfish, arrogant, lazy.

Can you beg, borrow or steal a friend to help out as an emergency tomorrow? Go to the grading and support DS1. Then I would be returning home, packing my shit up and fucking off with the kids. If he wants to carry on like a single bloke with nobody else to think about, then let him crack on with it.

ohfourfoxache · 21/04/2017 19:57

What a horrible, horrible "man" Sad

In the short term I'd drag him out of bed in the morning and leave DS2 with him during the grading.

In the long term, make your plans to leave. As soon as you can.

JaneEyre70 · 21/04/2017 19:59

I'd put the kids in the car and drive to your mums. Let him come home to an empty house and turn your phone off for the weekend. Don't worry about school on Monday, sorting your life out right now is far more important. He's basically stuck 2 fingers up at you with this behaviour and I'm angry on your behalf.

JustCallMeKate · 21/04/2017 20:01

You've told him you'd leave if he didn't change. He's not changed therefore you need to leave. If you don't he'll continue to treat you like a doormat with absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. Personally I wouldn't have left one of my children with someone who got up drunk and would try my best to explain to DS1 he could re-take the grading (If he can).

If you want to continue to live with this sorry excuse for a husband then that's up to you but I wouldn't be doing it. Life is far too short to waste it on a dick like him IMO.

Branleuse · 21/04/2017 20:01

he sounds awful, and you sound miserable with it and so lonely.

purplecoathanger · 21/04/2017 20:02

I'm so sorry to read this. Go to your mum's but have a long hard think about whether anything is salvageable for you. Do you want to try Relate? Would he try it? If the answer is no, then stay with your mum and look at moving on without him. Massive hugs Flowers

SootSprite · 21/04/2017 20:02

Another vote here for packing up and going to your mums. Take all important paperwork, pack a suitcase for each child and go. Let him come home to an empty house. Go to your mums and stay there. Life is too short to spend it living with a twat like him.

3boys3dogshelp · 21/04/2017 20:04

Op where are you? Can any of us help with ds2 tomorrow?

Shayelle · 21/04/2017 20:04

Sounds like a miserable bloody life op. Sounds like you need to leave x

MooPointCowsOpinion · 21/04/2017 20:07

This is the wake up call you needed. He's shit, he'll always be shit, he's not worthy of you.

Get your ducks in a row and go back home. Kids can change schools, beds can be found with family. Nothing is insurmountable.

Your support network is vital, you cannot raise happy children with one absent parent and one desperately unhappy parent.