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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 01/05/2017 20:41

What Emma said.

An absolute bastard.

DobbyLovesSocks · 01/05/2017 22:27

Just caught up with what's happened. Glad it's all working out for you. Big hugs to you and your DC's for the future

Properjob · 01/05/2017 23:31

I know someone who, upon divorcing, found XH had amassed 900K when she was living like you, on a pittance. She got half. You may have a nice surprise at the end of this Cheesy. Don't accept his word on finances get a forensic accountant...the marital assets are at least half yours, by law. Good luck Flowers

Jux · 02/05/2017 00:03

What a bastard.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2017 01:20

Great advice from Teabay.

As far as whether to be pissed off or relieved - don't count your chickens til they're hatched, but don't dwell too much on the past for now. There will be time for that when the dust has settled. For now, focus on creating the most solid foundation you are able to so that you can move forward.

innagazing · 02/05/2017 02:00

Hi
Just a quick bit of practical advice-I'd aim to keep the ISAs. unless you urgently need that money. Just tell the company you've separated and give your mum's address, and tell them not to accept any instructions about them unless it comes from you personally (by going into the branch with id for example.)
ISAs are really useful as they're tax free, but you can't put money back into them for that tax year once you've taken it out. Once your divorce settlement comes through, you may be very pleased to have that tax shelter. Has he put money in junior ISA'S too for the kids?

Emeralda · 02/05/2017 07:26

That dentist thing makes me angry on your behalf. I'd be tempted to tell people that when they ask why you're separating.
Them: Why are you separating?
You: So I can decide myself when to go to the dentist, rather than wait in pain until he deems it affordable.

Not in front of the kids, obviously.
Flowers

Teabay · 02/05/2017 18:21

Good point innagazing about keeping the ISA.
I was giving advice from the point of someone who had no access to any money in the short term! Hopefully the OP has bigger sums...
Phew! £900k ?!?!??

livefornaps · 02/05/2017 18:59

Don't look back.

RockPaperCut · 02/05/2017 20:53

Sounds like my stbxh. Children and myself dressed in second hand clothes from eBay. He wore nothing but branded Hacket/Hugo Boss even down to the socks. Yup, money was tight really really tight. Hmm

Brace yourself for the sheer crap that will come your way, when it finally hits him what he stands to loose financially. Because that's all they care about.

Original poster
CheesyChristie · 02/05/2017 22:15

It's not me is it properjob? I genuinely can't get my head around how much money dh has been earning and squirrelling away. Several multiples of what it was when we agreed how much he'd give me each month. He honestly can't see it was a problem. He just keeps saying "if you'd asked me for money I'd have given it to you." But I did ask for money - there were loads of times I needed an extra £50/ £100 to see me through the month. He always gave it to me - after we'd looked at my online banking to see what and spent and where and how I could cut it back for next month etc that I stopped asking in the end.

Anyway, I can't give anymore headspace to being irritated at things he's done. I just need to get on with things practically. He's said I should stay in the house and he'll keep paying the mortgage. Hopefully seeing a solicitor tomorrow so it will be good to have a clear idea of what I'm likely entitled to.

Thanks again everyone so much for support. I had never really given serious thought to leaving before. I know my life will get better and the sooner I'm well again the sooner I can be a better mum to my boys.

OP posts:
Patsy99 · 02/05/2017 22:20

I'm outraged on your behalf about the money op.

Thank god you're leaving him.

Chippednailvarnishing · 02/05/2017 22:24

Be careful OP. The fact he's apparently being so open and reasonable makes me question his honesty.

Jux · 03/05/2017 00:26

Oh it's humiliating isn't it, having to ask for money! "Why do you need money? I buy you anything you want....." is a power play, designed to make them feel big, and make you feel small, a bit like a child asking daddy for pocket money except usually children aren't humiliated. I had that, and it was horrible. I just wanted 'walking around money' (well, any money would have been nice Grin ) and he wouldn't let me have it. We were on holiday, I wanted to be able to wander round this enormous market with coins jingling in my pocket, perhaps not spend them but know what my limit was and make decisions about what to do with it, A bit like being a grown up!

Disgusting.

Teabay · 03/05/2017 06:48

I think that if he's offering for you to stay in the house, that means he's going to get a better deal.

Definitely spend money on a financial accountant to work for you, it'll pay off by the sounds of it.

Namechanger2015 · 03/05/2017 06:57

If he is going to continue paying the mortgage does that mean he wants it to stay in his name so he will go on to own the property when the children are older?

Please be very wary of him and his true intentions.

His line of 'but I would have given you money, you only needed to ask' is just beyond disgusting. Nobody treats an equal partner in that way.

Emeralda · 03/05/2017 07:31

I wonder why he thinks you should stay in the house? I would be inclined to have as much financial distance from him as possible. Don't agree anything with him at this stage anyway, without speaking to professionals. In fact, I wouldn't get involved in negotiations with him on your own at all. If he "offers" anything, just say "I'll think about that". If he presses the point, say "I'll think about that. So much to think about at the moment! " and go file your nails in another room. He has been controlling for years and he's not going to change now. If anything does need decided, eg to do with the DCs, you could say, "we'll try this for now and see if it works" so you're not commiting to anything on a long-term basis. Don't suggest anything big for now - keep your powder dry.

Where do you want to live? Do you want to stay where you are, be near your Mum or be somewhere else? If he wasn't around, (say he gets a new job in Siberia tomorrow), where would you want to be?

You mention getting well again to be a better mum. You look like a fine mum from here. What help do you need to get better and are you getting the support you need?

DownTownAbbey · 03/05/2017 07:44

Lawyer up cheesey. You've had some great advice here and you're AMAZING Smile

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/05/2017 07:55

Financially absuive shit. He'll get his just desserts, mark my words x

stolemyusername · 03/05/2017 08:10

Definitely get yourself a lawyer as he probably knows how much money he's squirrelled away, right now he's going to play Mr. Nice to try to pull the wool over your eyes and prevent you getting your proper share of it.

KickAssAngel · 03/05/2017 08:22

He didn't just keep the money from you, but was keeping it from his DC. Only a truly selfish and controlling person needs to make themselves look big while keeping their kids short. Just keep in mind that he is willing to do that and don't think he'll be a nice guy who honors any agreement.

RockPaperCut · 03/05/2017 10:37

YY to getting yourself a SHL.

And don't fall for him being amicable. There's always a catch.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2017 11:18

Ok I find it impossible to believe that a person like this is being honest with you.

I would absolutely, absolutely take advice on hiring - is it a forensic accountant? - someone who can make sure that you are not being taken for a mug.

Maybe post in divorce or legal and see if anyone who has had experience of going through asset splitting with a money-hiding bigger earner can point you in the right direction from the off.

He will undoubtedly have assets that he is hiding - on the other hand, you may well decide that relatively speaking if you are going to come out of this financially secure, then that's where you want to stop and it's not worth the aggro of uncovering everything. However - you also don't want to get caught out and end up coming out with a LOT less security than you could have had.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2017 11:20

Two things stand out:

  • He is controlling. So you want as much of a clean break as possible. So I'd be looking at selling the house, etc.
  • Look to the future. What sounds like a lot of money now is probably chicken feed compared to what he will assume he's going to earn later. So press this - you go for a HUGE whack, because he has great future earning power and you may not.
ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 12:03

Hope you get to see someone today Thanks