My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

What a dick.

Would people generally consider him to b "charming". Is he going to try and charm his way out if this.

He curtsied?

What an ass.

As long as you registered for cb but just opted out of the payments your ni is covered until your youngest is 12. You can decide to receive payments and he would be required to declare it on a Tax Return. If he is that high an earner he should be doing one anyway. Were you to separate you can claim the money immediately.

Just read this thread. Op you've had a terrible time and are very brave. I know how worrying and draining it is alone (without dh issues) to care for a child with additional needs.

I think you should see a family solicitor so that you are aware of all options. That's my area and women often leave telling me they feel so much better as they know where they stand. Financially he's a high earner and if you separate you will receive a good level of child maintenance and probably spousal as you aren't working. Child tax credit for 2 children is approx £110 a week alone and you will receive child benefit again. I know you can't work at the moment but it's something to think about for the future, maybe even at the school as 18 hrs a week leads to eligibility for working tax credits. CAB are excellent as a resource for helping you to maximise your income by ensuring you receive all you are entitled to in help from tax credits, housing benefit ect. Even if you don't leave him, having this info will
Make you feel stronger as you will see you can live without him.

If you stay make it a condition that he attends marriage counselling; relate are wonderful and have helped improve many a relationship.

Sorry OP he's an absolute wanker!
Born loser he is!.
You sound like a great wife and any man would be lucky to have you!!

Oh no, that 'yes boss' speaks volumes!
He's trying to make light of it!!!!
The absolute dickhead!
I think your answer about how seriously he wants to change!
Leave him, you can't live such a miserable life.
He sounds financially controlling, sounds dramatic, but Women's aid could give you advice about finances etc if you leave.
My friend has left her husband, he's been stalking her and lots of other stuff since. She was put in touch with women's aid and they've higlighted lots of abuse such as financial and mentally controlling, she had no idea!!!!! Just knew she was unhappy.
Sending hugs x

Nah, the 'yes boss' isn't making light, it's a fucking sneer. He's acting like a teenager that's broken curfew.

What's that thing about certain situations dictating whether you'll automatically assume the role as an adult, a parent, or a child. In a normal relationship, you'd both be in the role of 'adult'. He's forcing you to become 'parent' because he's acting like the 'fucking shitbag'

He is keeping half his life at the office because that is where his heart is too. He does not want to engage with home at all. Work gives him the status he feels he deserves. Engaging with home life would be a demotion for him. All he wants from home life is the chance to criticise you, which reinforces his notion of himself as the lord of all he surveys.

Do you have the money to hire a private investigator? You would be able to find out his income and debts that way. It might be far more reliable than asking him to be honest.

The sneering 'Yes Boss' and curtsy show that he is very angry that you are holding him accountable. It is also completely disrespectful, of you and of the marriage, and of the family.

In his mind, your relationship is a hierarchy - he is on top, you are beneath him in every sense of the word. He is going to fight any attempt you make to change his position; he interprets attempts by you to engage him in home life and to gain equality in your relationship as attacks on him. He is jealous of his status. He has no intention of losing it. In his mind being an engaged husband and father would entail a massive loss of status.

From now on, I would conclude if I were you that all gestures he makes that convey the message that his heart is not at home are heartfelt and deliberate, and I would take any refusal or foot dragging on revealing the true state of your finances as hostile acts. I think you should have come to this conclusion before, when he persisted in ignoring every single thing you have ever said about how difficult it is to do the family thing all alone with a heckler jeering at you from the cheap seats. However, better late then never, and your response to him when he poked his head around the door was brilliant.

You said two things on this thread that express how you really feel, and I am going to repeat them because they are really significant.
The first is that you don't really care any more if there is another woman.
The second is 'I don't want to have to spend my life explaining to him how to be a decent human being.'

You are done with this man.

I'm stunned that he rocked up so late when he knew that tonight was likely to be about discussing your relationship, and that he was then an arse about it.

Well, not stunned, I suppose.

He's not doing himself any favours here...

☹️ what a dick!

OP - see mathanxiety - they've nailed it.

mathanxiety your post nails it...

But I'd add that he's done with the OP too. He just doesn't have the nous to admit it.

I'm sure when you speak he will be shocked all over again at how unhappy you feel, and will resolve to change again, etc. But please don't fall for it.

If you can stay in the house and get him to leave then this will make it easier for you to stake a claim to the house later on (although nothing is guaranteed of course).

Finally if you do leave (and I hope you do) then please do take original birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, some bank statements, some of his payslips, his tax details etc. If he has an accountant get their contact details and if he has online tax returns see if you can find any login details.

He sounds very much like my ex. It has not been easy since I left him but I thank god every day that I did have the courage to leave. Your mums support sounds like an absolute blessing, and if you can go stay with her that's where you should head to.

Try not to worry about children's schooling, I pulled mine out of school in order to leave him, and we waited around 3 weeks for a school place near my parents house in overcrowded London. I thought it would be hugely disruptive but they settled very quickly.

You are being brilliant, please do keep your resolve, it is hard when you are in the same house as him and susceptible to his manipulations. You are amazing and you can do this.

mathanxiety interesting post, think you're spot on. I'd never thought if it like that before

Yes, math has it.

Your vile H sounds like my vile exH. He also 'hid' his financial documents at work. Turns out all the bills were being paid, but he was paying for everything (even his beloved cigarettes) on credit cards and only paying the minimum off each month. He managed to amass thousands of pounds worth of debt for no good reason because (despite being very intelligent and in a highly paid professional job) he couldn't grasp compound interest.

Obviously I'm not suggesting your DH is doing the same, but you need to know. Him keeping you in the dark is a bad sign. Either he has something to hide or he views you as irrelevant to his financial dealings.

Claim CB, DLA and carers if you can.

Oh and here's my very first LTB

Yes math anxiety you've nailed it.

I actually wish I had Math on speed-dial to tell it to me straight whenever I need it.

OP read the post above and take it in.

🙌🏻maths

Good on you for actually taking action, too many people would post but not do anything, stay strong, I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but remember, your happiness is important x

Dickbag

Math 👍

Brilliant post Math 👍🏻👍🏻

Yep math I think you're completely spot on. Thank you.

He's left a shed load of documents out for me and his/ our money in so many different places it makes my head hurt. He has been filling up my ISA account for the last few years it seems. There's enough in there to rent somewhere for a year and live on even if he refuses to give me anything (I still consider that very unlikely). I'll make an appointment with a solicitor and accountant today to try and find out exactly where I stand.

I can't think of anything he can say that will make me change my mind now tbh. Actually feeling a bit optimistic - thinking how much easier my life will be without him. Thank you everyone for listening to my ramblings. Onwards and upwards!

Well done OP! I feel so pleased for you!.
You're absolutely right to feel optimistic, you're already technically a single mother, and now you have the opportunity to make your life your own.
I don't think he's ever going to change, he'll always be an egotistical prick, and I feel sorry for whoever he gets involved with next.

That's great about the isa, did you have no idea about it? Has he explained the reason for depositing money into it?
At least he was doing something for you I suppose.

What are your plans to do next? Why doesn't he leave?, it's your home and the children's too!.