My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

Wow! Go you!
Just remember to do whatever you feel is right, don't be pressured into anything, your happiness is important x

You've been so strong op, amazing.

Yy to getting yourself off to a solicitor asap, he sounds like the kind of man who will do his best to hold on to/hide as much as he can.

Even better update, Cheesy!

Stay strong. There will come wobbles, once the initial adrenaline wears off and your life is transitioning. But you've done so well already, the only way is up!

Keep going Cheesy, this sounds very tough from an outsider's perspective, and you deserve better for you and your children. Hope the solicitor is useful ASAP.

Op I've read you thread from the beginning. He sounds useless. There is no actual point in having him in your life is there?
Go home to your mum. At least you'll have support.
If he wants to see the kids facilitate it but I bet he won't bother soon.
It doesn't seem like he actually brings anything positive to your lives.

Hope you're okay op.

Christie Some practical financial stuff from someone who was you last year:

1. Go to a brand new bank and open an account just for you. No connection at all to him. This is your new financial footprint, the start of your credit file record and a place for you to register Child Benefit and any possible tax credits. (Lloyd's were brilliant for me). Register it for mobile phone banking so you are always up to date.

1. Withdraw entirely the ISA money that's in your name and put it in an easy access savings account that runs alongside your new current account. Yes, you may lose interest as it is mid tax year, but you have an extremely high chance of losing all of it when he realises things are not going to go his way and he closes the ISA / transfers it to his account.

1. Photograph / take note of all his bank account numbers and pension numbers. Write down his National Insurance number.

1. Phone Child Benefit, give your details, new bank account number and say that you want to make a claim. Then make one. Phone for Disability Living Allowance as carer for your DS with autism and give new bank details too.

1. If you have joint accounts go into the branches / phone them yourself to ask them to note that you are separated from him. You may be able to close them and put the money in a separate new account you have opened, in order to 'hold' it, so that you can declare it as part of the financial settlement (he may withdraw it and spend it) or you can ask them to freeze the account, say it's in dispute. This will keep him from spending the money BUT it means that you can't get it either!

1. Consider having mail with yours and DC names on it redirected to a different address (friend, mum etc). He could throw away your post / find out about your bank accounts otherwise. You can always direct it back to you at a later date.

1. Try to find out his monthly salary / last year's income, you may need it.

1. Put yourself jointly onto things like utility bills if you are staying in the house. This way you can discuss the accounts over the phone and cancel / amend them if you need to. Find out the balances first though - don't do it if they're in debt. If the elec/gas is in credit, ask them to refund it into your NEW account, but continue making payments from the old.

1. Join Experian / Credit Expert and get your credit history and details. You can see what it open / owing / paid off. Later on you can also make a request to be FINANCIALLY divorced from him and no longer linked to his credit file. This is important and not many people do it - it's just an email request.

10. If you have found a solicitor, consider making a down payment of say £1500 from the joint account to instruct them. This means that they'll have enough money on the account to get things moving and you can file court papers etc. even if you have no access to money if things are frozen.

You are an amazing mum, keep your head up.
Much love.

Teabay what fantastic advice you've given!

Hope you're well OP.

Thank you Teabay. I transferred all the money from the joint account last week when I did a runner to my mums. Going to try and transfer all of the isa tomorrow when bank is open again.

Looking at dh's salary and doing an online check he'll have to pay me more in child support than he's giving me monthly at the moment. That's the minimum recommended so it looks like I won't have any money worries which is good at least.

Dh is being very pleasant to me. He keeps showing me flats that he's consider near work. It's in central London and he's talking about all the places he'll take them when they come to stay. I think he's actually quite excited about leaving! I think he was just as unhappy in the marriage as I was really. Sigh.

Hopefully his "cheerfulness" will make the entire process easier for you Cheesy.

Although it's going to hit him hard when he realises that he's going to be solely responsible for the dc at times. Let's just see how long this excitement lasts for

Are you going to move back to near your mum??

I think now that my exdh let me leave too easily - I think he just didn't want to be the 'baddie'.
Did you get a solicitor? I hope you get the divorce ball rolling soon. If you know it's over then it's better to do a clean break ASAP, and not drag it out forever....

I meant that he was able to talk about "afterwards" and not seem to beg and say he loved me. But, like someone said, he made a fuss over the DC ( for a bit, and then it quickly fell to EOW (every other weekend...)

Maybe it's worth asking your solicitor to consider some detailed financial digging, including pension. They'll be able to recommend an accountant who can make sure that everything is covered in the financial order.

Just so you know, if he earns over the threshold for CSA, courts can award higher.

Yeah he's doing pretty well financially by the looks of it username. Which is what I suspected and one of the reasons I was fucked off I had to wait for weeks with toothache until I could afford the dentist! I don't know whether to be pissed off that he kept it to himself all this time or pleased that at least I won't have to worry about money.

What type of a person leaves someone in pain like that when they could afford an appointment

God, he's a right cunt

An abusive person. An emotionally and financially abusive one.