My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

Make sure he doesnt have the access to draw that ISA money out, change your internet banking password if he has that.
I dont think he was filling it for you at all, I think hes just using your tax-free allowance as well as his own to save money for himself.

Storm good point 😔

Well done Cheesy you're exactly how I'd like to imagine I would be in the same situation but probably wouldn't be as brilliant your life's about to get easier

Sending you best wishes OP. As another poster said up thread, there are very many reiterations of the "dp doesn't act like a decent partner/parent/functioning adult" post in this section. They all have slightly different points of crisis, and I really feel for you in terms of what you have put up with. I think you have a good idea of what your limits of tolerance are, and of what you can forsee in your future. Good luck to you and your dss.

Great update, Cheesy!

So pleased for you

Cheesy you rock!

What an utter bastard

Nice of him to show you something in your name that you didn't know about. Has he shown you everything that's in his sole name, I wonder?
You're doing great, by the way.

Wow go Cheesy! But yes, ask him for the passwords to all these ISA accounts, however you can also go into the bank branches if they are not online only - but I bet they are. Have you got copies/pics of all the docs?
Hope you have a lovely BH weekend without him, is he taking the kids out?

Given that he's been entirely selfish in all of his behaviour up until this point, there's no WAY that money was for your benefit. He had just used up his own ISA allowance and so was using yours. Good. Change passwords immediately, as advised above.

Sorry you're going through all this :(

Did he come home by 8?

Yep, he came home. We talked. I cried. In conclusion we're separating. He tells me he's devastated and wants to try again. I'm not and I don't. Just feeling a bit hollow really.

He wants to try again? Ha! If you go down that route you'll be in the 'reminding him how to be a decent human being' zone for ever!

You are doing amazing. Your being so strong. As long as your clear to yourself. Will he move out ?

I want to reach into the internet and give you a big squeeze Cheesy.

Your story is bringing back lots of memories of the decline and fall of my marriage.

I promise you to the skies above you will feel better about this sooner than you think. You are smart and strong, and by the sounds of it a loving and attentive parent.

You WILL be fine x

He's going to stay in a hotel near his work Mon- Fri for now. He's in the spare room atm. Not sure how it's going to work long term.

FWIW OP I think you are absolutely making the right decision.

Do you have support nearby, a close friend or anyone?

Hang on in there

I just wanted to offer my support. This is all very familiar and after years of effectively being a single parent within a crap relationship it was actually a relief to be free of it. It gets better x

Nothing to add except one day at a time. Only you know what's right for you x

He wants to try again? Really? You've already given him that chance after you told him just a few weeks ago that you were going to leave if things didn't change. His 'change' lasted all of two weeks?!

He has no one to blame but himself.

I wish you much peace and happiness on your new road, OP.

I really see that 'I'm not and I don't' coming through loud and clear from your posts, OP. This is all that really matters. You gave him so many chances. You sound pretty resolute, and good for you.

The hollowness is normal and natural. This is a big change in your life that you are embarking on, but I suspect it has been a long time coming, and you have wrapped your head around it already.

Keep on taking one step forward at a time, and keep your mum appraised of everything - she seems to have a solid head on her shoulders.

After you have seen a solicitor and accountant and discussed your options you may have a clearer idea of how to proceed wrt primary residence, secondary residence, arrangements about contact with the children, and financial support for you and the children.

Staying away Mon-Fri may be a weight lifted off your shoulders. It may feel weird at first not to be caught up in focusing on him - when he will be home, what he will do to get under your skin, etc. It will take a while to get used to that arrangement but you may well find it is easier in many ways than having him present even though absent iyswim. There are upsides to being a single mum!

Nothing to add but more support from afar. One day at a time. Gather your real-life support around you, especially your Mum.

Well done, Cheesey. You've done well.

Now, see a solicito and get it sewn up.