Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 15 16 17

Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:

pageturner · 17/03/2007 14:13

Am cheering you on from the sidelines, ernest. I think you're fantastic, the way you're handling this.

Thinking of you.

Bamzooki · 17/03/2007 15:39

Just found this thread and managed to read it all....
Want to say well done to you Ernest, you are coping extremely well. In the same circs (apart from diff country) I took about 8 months to get to the 'well actually I would cope, and things would be ok for me and dc if we split' part, and to be able to think more clearly about what I wanted out of the situation.
That ended up involving him moving out for about 2 months (on his own) while we both re-evaluated. By then I think he was as sick of his own indecision as I was. (Indecision about whether to stay with us, whether to go to the Slag, or just go and be on his own). I too would not make the decision for him, because I felt that if he chose to leave it put me in a stronger bargaining position wrt house/finances etc.
Anyway - he decided that he wanted to come home, and I decided that I would not be able to look my kids in the eye if I didn't feel I had tried 100% to sort things out. That it must be possible to re-establish an 18yr relationship/13 yr marriage with a man who I had previously regarded as my soul mate.
That was 8 months ago. And so far so good, cautiously. Not fixed obviously, but he is trying, in the ways he knows how. And more so recently - he did a lot of the 'boxing up' that has been mentioned, to start with, so he could pretend it hadn't happened I guess. And there are still issues for me that keep popping up and surprising me out of the blue. But I just keep trying to take it all day by day.
Interestingly, unlike a lot of you, I could more easily accept that he could be trashing everything we had BECAUSE it was a serious relationship, rather than throwing it all away for cheap sex. Didn't make it hurt any less of course, and obviously she was an utter slapper (was single and knew all about us) who deserves to rot in hell. But somehow it sort of made more sense to me, prob helped that dh didn't use it as defence too...
Anyway - keep going, keep strong, and keep true to yourself. Only you know what is going to work for you in this situation.

SSShakeTheChi · 17/03/2007 16:40

I've just seen this ernest

It's frightening isn't it, when your security seems threatened and you worry how your dc would cope? It is SO hard to let go of a dream of a happy family life. Hope this decision to work at the marriage is the right one for you and that the beast vanishes out of your marriage for good.

Maybe I'm too pessimistic generally but I do feel it would be wise, nevertheless, to be prepared for the worst just in case and have good legal advice so that if you find this affair is continuing behind your back, you will know exactly where you stand and how to prepare for divorce.

Anyway, fingers crossed that things go well from here.

Judy1234 · 17/03/2007 16:51

I suppose, B, I can slightly understand that - that a lovely man someone married would only stray with someone he thought he loved in a caring sense rather than fairly random meaningless sex after an office party although I think most people would prefer the latter to the former.

I certainly agree with the last comment - still to consider the legal precautions just in case particularly in the light of he may be stalling to file for divorce first in the country where he has to pay less if there is a choice.

Bamzooki · 17/03/2007 17:58

Xenia - I would never have predicted it beforehand, but I'm finding it easier to rebuild trust with dh again because he genuinely thought he cared for her. Ie the sort of relationship that wouldn't crop up every other week in a normal marriage. If he had been off shagging someone at an office party, or a slapper at the pub then I would find it hard to trust that he wouldn't be tempted again.
Don't get me wrong - I think that the office party thing would be easier to forgive as a mistake, and that what I was actually faced with is harder to overcome, but somehow for me at least it was easier to accept. A bit like having chocolate cake in front of you, then realising banoffee pie is on offer too = a quandry I could understand. Choosing sprouts instead of the cake would seem far more barmy!
I appreciate that not everyone would see it this way, but that is how it was for me.

Original poster

ernest · 18/03/2007 10:15

Bamzooki, thanks for your words, it made a lot of sense actually.

I guess this is my final post. He's finished with her. We're trying our best to fix it. Fingers crossed for a happy hopeful future.

Again, thank you for all your fantastic help, advice suggestions. You've kept my sanity!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 18/03/2007 10:34

Good luck. I think most people do fix it. Lots of things go wrong in long marriages and you work on it and then it's fine most of the time.

Bamzooki · 18/03/2007 11:12

Good luck ernest, I really hope you can work it out. You will still have ups and downs, the important thing is to keep talking and be honest with eachother. xx

willywonka · 18/03/2007 12:27

Really do wish the both of you the very best of luck, ernest. x

CODalmighty · 18/03/2007 12:29

and keep checking that inbox!

Socci · 18/03/2007 12:43

Message withdrawn

Miaou · 18/03/2007 12:55

Oh that's great to hear ernest. Lets hope you can now build a future together

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 18/03/2007 14:40

Ernest,

Only just read this thread and am so sorry for what he's done to you.

One thing that got me thinking - I bet The Beast has no idea that your hubby considers her to be a 2nd best option that he can if if YOU decide YOU don't want him. I would be tempted to tell her as this may be enough to finish any lingering feelings she may still have for him.

Of course your hubby could just be saying this to scare you into thinking he has options.

Hugs.

luxlife · 18/03/2007 16:17

why bash the mistress? i havent been one myself, but honestly, she is as bad as the husband. and we dont know but she might have options as well!

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 18/03/2007 18:03

Was that directed at me???

Wasn't aware I was "bashing" the mistress at all.

Beetrootccio · 18/03/2007 19:21

Ernest, you are doing great but I do hapde you are doing all the list of things you siad you would.

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 18/03/2007 22:02

Ernest,
Hope it all works out for you and you all have a lovely family holiday in 5 weeks time. Wishing you and your boys all the best for the future. Now dh has finished with her you can focus on your marriage and future together.

Anonnnnn · 19/03/2007 02:46

Hi ernest, glad things are looking up for you.

i've just had a very similar thread and i too am going to stick at things and make it work.

Your thread has been very useful to me also.

I wish you all the best.

Original poster

ernest · 19/03/2007 05:53

Don't worry, list still active! I'm coming to london next weekend, just me. I've never had a weekend off on my own ever! I'm dong a course which will help me work here, plus a days shopping thrown in - the least I deserve! Dh got the kids for 4 days

I've also off loaded 3 household jobs on him (my least favourite), and last night we sat down and did our tax return together (I normally leave it all to him, just sign on the dotted line, but I told him I wanted to learn these things case I needed to do it by myself), keeping him on his toes, but genuinely equiping myself too.

So from my list I have already done or started on all of them. Trip to London an added bonus.

I'm glad this has helped you too, anonnnn. I hope anyone who is unlucky enough to find themselves in this position find this and get help from it. i've not seen your thread, maybe I'll pop in when I've got a chance. mega busy now sorting out my list and studying again (I'm going to get a job teaching english, so doing TEFL, improving my English & Germna Grammar etc) sorting out childcare. I've agreed to get a cleaner (don't want to but I will)

I never thought, when I posted the OP that I would get so much help, that I would feel so much love & support, that I would feel so in control so quickly, that in just 1 week I could be at this point. And I never thought I'd ever get a weekend off, so bloody hell, the miracle of the sisterhood of mumsnet. Cheers.

OP posts:

SSShakeTheChi · 19/03/2007 07:44

Oooh shopping in London! Well done Ernest, enjoy it

mylittlestar · 19/03/2007 08:33

Great news ernest. Am so so pleased for you. Good luck with everything and stay positive

PrincessPeaHead · 19/03/2007 10:31

ernest I am in complete awe of you. as our american cousins would say... "you rock".

If, god forbid, I should find myself in a similar situation I'd like to be able to handle it half as well and as constructively as you are. xx

Judy1234 · 19/03/2007 11:30

That's great. No reason a father shouldn't have his children for 4 days as much as a mother. I think in far too many marriages men get "time off" and women don't because women tolerate and enable that so it becomes a sexist norm.

indiajane · 20/03/2007 17:30

Couldn't agree more Xenia. Also so many mothers seem to think that their DP's couldn't cope with the kids so never give them the chance! When I got divorced my H had the 2 and 4 year old exactly half the time - and he learnt how to cope!!

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 15 16 17