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Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 16/03/2007 14:05

of luck not I luck...

Soapbox · 16/03/2007 14:05

Good luck Ernest - I hope it works out for you all

keziah · 16/03/2007 14:33

Hi Ernest - Just finished reading a great book "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis and I think you would find it really helpful. She's a longtime marital therapist and really positive about getting marriage back on track after affairs etc. I can't reccomend it highly enough. It has good comments on Amazon from people who've read and tried it. Best of Luck x x

OrmIrian · 16/03/2007 14:41

Good luck ernest

batters · 16/03/2007 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nailpolish · 16/03/2007 14:54

ernest i ahve been following your thread and i think you sound wonderful and a survivor

best of luck

NP xx

orangeblosson59 · 16/03/2007 16:49

wishing you all the luck in the world youve come sooooo far this could strengthen your marriage and if all does not work out it wasnt because you didnt try your dh does not deserve you.Have no regrets and put yourself and dc first !You are a strong woman it is hard to walk away from a marriage but it takes an even stronger woman to make it work after a crisis like you have come through ,thinking of you and hoping for the best

KerryMum · 16/03/2007 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotanOtter · 16/03/2007 17:56

you are inspirational good luck over the weekend
x

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 16/03/2007 22:04

Ernest,
Wishing you all the luck for the weekend and next 5 weeks. You are very strong and your boys are very special to have such a wonderful mother how has covered them in love to mask this issue in the aim to protect them. I'm not sure I could be so strong well done

Original poster
ernest · 17/03/2007 05:10

he's back. Kids were absolutely delighted. It felt right to have him home. had huge talk, and we're still not finished, but got too late.

Main positive thing is I've made him see sense re The Beast.

We were talking and he said he wouldn't see her for the next 5 weeks and would keep contact to the minimum . I explained to the dollard that this mean he still has a mistress, that he's trying to make his marriage work, while keeping his mistress on hold. To put it another way dear, it's like going on a diet but keeping a giant juicy chocolate cake in the cupboard for 5 weeks' time, just in case you get bored of the diet.

Ah, yes, when you put it like that, i see what you mean.

He wanted to 'do the right thing' and tell her face to face. I said as she's in UK for 2 weeks I'm not prepared to wait, and he can bloody well ring her 1st thing in the morning.

But overall I think the talk went very well. I found it difficult to sleep, just so much going on in head, hense impromptu update.

But am very hopeful, and am sure I'm doing the right thing.

Oh and thanks for book recommendation keziah. have ordered. Love a good read

OP posts:
Miaou · 17/03/2007 07:17

Ernest, you are a star! Another very strong post from you, and all the right messages given to your h (love the use of "dollard"!).

You may have said this to him already, but I would also say to him that as he has eradicated any sense of trust you have had in him, you reserve the right to check his email/phones/listen in to conversations/ etc as you see fit. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted again. Particularly given his comment about keeping contact with the mistress "to a minimum" (FFS!!). OK, then you are giving him the opportunity to know that you are watching his every move, therefore encouraging him to be more furtive if he feels the need, but I think if you demonstrate that you are willing to be open and honest then it puts the pressure on him to be open and honest too.

SOrry, hope that makes sense. Good you you gal - you are an inspiration to everyone in your position. I can see this thread being referred to in the future as a good example of how best to handle an affair

Beetrootccio · 17/03/2007 08:44

I woud alos try not to do the BIG discussion thing all the time.

Try to enjoy being a family and being together - remember why you loved each other

Judy1234 · 17/03/2007 08:57

I agree with Miaou. He probably still loves her and will feel an obligation to call her. if it had just been sex it wouldn't perhaps have mattered so much. As he's torn and choosing it's hard for him and you. Hard to get the right balance between driving him away and making him want to stay because it's nice being with you and complex and nasty being with her. I hope he hasn't made her tell her husband given he may well be staying with you because then he's hurt many more people than he should to no good end.

You seem to be managing it very well ernest.

myturn · 17/03/2007 08:59

Beautifully handled Ernest. Great to see you taking control.

Dior · 17/03/2007 09:15

Message withdrawn

kimi · 17/03/2007 09:44

Stay strong ernest, your doing beautifully.

Original poster
ernest · 17/03/2007 09:47

well, saint that I am, I'm taking him to the pictures tonight. Thought
a. do us good to get away from domestic stuff
b. good to be couple
c. he can see it's also fun being with me
d. I don't have to talk if I can't be arsed

booked it before he came back, fearing staring at 4 walls lol

I'll polish my halo...

OP posts:
Dior · 17/03/2007 09:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ernest · 17/03/2007 09:51

a light hearted comedy - the last king of scotland.

should be a barrel of laughs, lol

anyone seen it?

OP posts:
Dior · 17/03/2007 09:53

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ernest · 17/03/2007 09:57

soory, that was crap sarcasm. I think it's gonna be really heavy, given it's about idi amin.

But it's got excellent reviews and topic will def. not be boring. everything else was rom com and I didn't fancy watching people fall in love...

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 17/03/2007 09:59

Good plan. Difficult balance to get right. If it's dreadful coming home he won't want to stay. If you're too nice he'll think he can have his cake and eat it. Huge numbers of people say they've stopped seeing the person when they haven't.

But if he goes and she leaves her husband he's taking on a huge thing even if they don't want to be together - her children who presumably would mostly be with her etc will be around a lot of the time (it won't be some cosy just the two of them love nest) and loads of divorce expense and upsetting his own and her children.

Dior · 17/03/2007 11:46

Message withdrawn

Jennylee · 17/03/2007 13:15

Have been reading this too hope you have a good evening and it all works out for the best.

If she is away for 2 weeks all the better.

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