not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

She is a coward - she will loave her h if you split? She cannot even make a decisison for herslef

agree wiht beety interesting she is not makign the deiciosn first for this love of her life"
NOB END

yes perhaps anohter term should be - 500 bucks a month into my persnal account

Ernest - just keep strong for now - you are doing so well.

I have some doubts about how it will all turn out for your H.

I strongly suspect that he will never be able to last 4 weeks without contacting her. You will get pissed off with him (rightly) and tell him to move out.

His mistress will not leave her husband or children and your H will be left one lonely and bitter man.

Just be very very careful that at this point, his plans to be a loving father with regular contact with his DCs and provide well for you all, don't get cast aside as he boils up with resentment.

If you are sensible you will always plan for the worst outcome, but be happy if that does not come to pass.

my dad told my mum that he was night fishing and came back with a love bite, and then when confronted tells mum that he caught his neck in a conveyor belt at work. i have been with the same partner for 14 years but at the back of my mind i am always waiting for him to be unfaithfull as i can't help thinking that all men are ruled by their winky's.

he may want to provide for you but the other woman may have other ideas - be careful

and yes agree soapy

pmsl traceyn. sorry, am I allowed to laugh at your dad's attempts at a clandestine afair? What did your mum do?

chucked him out, then felt sorry for him and had him back for a whole 5 days, then chucked him out for the second and final time, he then moved in with the ugly mug, and her 4 kids and then proceeded to have an afair with the ugly mugs best friend, whom then got pregnant after two months with twins.

mum met someone else and i have never seen her happier, in a way i am pleased that dad had an afair and she has now got someone who treats her like a princess.

dads now under the thumb, never aloud out with young children, ha, ha.

this could happen to you, after a while you might find someone who treats you right and makes you happy, i really hope so.

Hi ernest, sounds like you are doing really well. Your plan sounds good, and you have fixed up your personal support too with the counselling. As to your dh, you'll need to see in time how you both feel, but you are showing yourself as both conciliatory and strong, so good on you. I don't know if you had any suspicions (I think from your previous thread probably not?) but I found that when I finally had it confirmed about my ex's affair it was strangely empowering, because life became about my decisions, not his. Remember this is not about him deciding if he wants you, it is about you deciding if you want him. Even though it looks like my marriage is definitely over (esp as ex plans to leave the country now) I don't regret the time I have spent trying to work it out, or all the tearful and painful conversations we had because they have helped me to understand how it is that we have come to where we now are, and how I can move on from it. Good luck over the next few weeks.

Ernest I am LOVING "The Beast". These things may sound daft but they really help, don't they? When I had a boyfriend years ago who cheated, my best friend nicknamed the OW "Vermin" and it felt so great calling her that. I've never called her it to her face but I still see her around and always think of that as her name!

How can he not think less of her, if she really would abandon her kids? He truly must be delusional.

You are doing brilliantly.

he might have had legal advice and be delaying you so that he can issue a divorce petition in the country where he will pay least money. There is often an unseemly rush to get in first and seize the right country. Whilst you're trying to mend things keep taking legal advice and start now coypihng important papers that have a habit of going missing, put away and hide a copy of bank statements from each account, details of any shares, pensions, his P60s and wage slips, your marriage certificate etc.

If he does love her and is in love he probably will contact her in that period unless he's very keen to save the marriage and realises he's made a mistake. He knows you have no reason to trust him so he needs to let you check all mobile and anything else that comes in. If he does leave you for her then legally you can't stop him having her with him when he sees the children. If you do split up it sounds like he'd stay with her in Switzerland but I don't know how that affects your right to remain there.

It must be horrible. Good luck with it all.

From the other side of divorce I can also say it's much better and I don't regret it and what you described about him not once in 7 years fixing any trip etc was like my ex and it sounds as if he's been unhappy for a time. Also you must make him go for sexual health tests and show you the results, retest in 3 months and in the meantime he has to use condoms obviously.

Keep strong Ernest, you're an inspiration

ernest, just want to add my support, he's an absolute arse, IMO you are far better off without him and as for her!!! I would say let her have him and all the crap that goes with him!

Well, he has made a promise to me, but as I told him, I obv. cannot trust a word he says again, but dunno if diff in UK, but judge awards amount, irrepective of lawyers and payment is strictly controlled. I believe any non payment dealt with swiftly and payment deducted direct from salary, so do feel reasonably 'secure'

Shit scared of being a single parent with 3 boys 7 and under. Terrified of failing them, not doing enough lads stuff, taking them to football etc. dh moans anyway that 'want to turn them all into girls'

I am a bit of a scardey cat and tend to get h to do stuff like voyges of discovery into unknown, ie taking them skiing for the day while I hide out at home. Now there'll be no hihing for me.

Ernest, there's no reason why he couldn't continue to do these things with them anyway. His comment about turning them into girls is both insulting and farcical - you presumably do things with them that you all enjoy and that you feel comfortable with!! FWIW if I was on my own my son would never in his life go to a football match and I don't think he would be any the poorer for the omission

Think of all the things you do do with the boys - whether it be trips to the park, baking, craftwork, swimming ... they might seem like little things compared to, say, the first skiing trip, but I bet those are the things that they will remember with affection when they look back. It's often the case that, after taking a child out on a big expensive day trip, you ask them which bit they enjoyed the best and it was "the jam doughnut in the cafe" or "when we saw the big lorry full of hay on the way home"

I'm waffling now but I do know that little things become big things in your mind. Colditz worries about how to get rid of maggots from her wheely bin (hypothetically - she doesn't have them); I would worry about changing light bulbs or how to fix a washer on a tap - in the end these things are only a small part of the picture but nevertheless they occupy your mind.

You sound like you are being realistic about your future together - which is fantastic. Keep it up - we're all rooting for you

Probably you can fix things. It sounds as if he's confused over what he wants to do and torn which is not unusual.
I wouldn't worry about boys stuff. Most people who divorce remarry anyway. Mine go to a boys schools. Their father has chosen not to help at all, never had them for one night. Many men disppear too, skip a country and pay nothing so do be prepared for the worst and most salaries won't stretch easily to two homes and he may have more children with another woman etc so if you do split up money will be harder. I think it usually is. My ex doesn't pay anything or help at all but that's rare. I think it's often the person who is first to issue the divorce petition where there is a choice of countries who gets their choice so IF you have a choice then do think about that but I would always it's worth trying to save marriages. Loads of people get through these things and live happily afterwards.

that 'if' things don't work out between you two she will leave her husband and kids for him - WTF!

So if you make the decision to split up, she will ruin her husband and children's lives. But otherwise she'll just let your husband go without a fight?!
She obviously doesn't love your h that much if she's prepared to sit back and let you make all the decisions - surely if she's that in love with him she'd be fighting for him NOW!

There's no way she'll leave her h and kids for him. No way. She's weak and pathetic. Your husband is kidding himself if he thinks she is the sort of person he'd want to spend the rest of his life with.

You truly are inspirational in how you're dealing with this. I wish you all the best of luck in the world.

But please re-read Xenia's post (Tue 13-Mar-07 23:21:17 ) it's got some really sensible advice in there. It will be a long time before you can truly trust him again so for the time being make sure you look after yourself and never underestimate him (or her for that matter).

I truly hope he gives everything he's got in trying to make this work now. You deserve so much more.

I'll bet the top brick off my chimney that she won't leave her kids when/if the time comes.

Bloody hell...what a BEAST she is to even say it!!!

Cod,
"ernest so sad
so sad that one day you woke up int eh mornign loving hi and by nightfall you haetd him "

thats so true

Be interesting to know if The Beast has said to her husband..

"By the way, I'm having an affair and am really in love with this man. His wife has found out and they are going to spend some time together trying to see if they can save their marriage. If she decides to kick him out, I intend to leave you and our children to live with him. If she decides she wants to make a go of things and stay with him, I will stay with you and our children. Hope that's ok... I'll let you know in a couple of months..."

Beast

godo advice ftom xenia
ernest i think you nmee to be a leetle more untrusting!

Exactly Littlestar! Sounds like a real catch, I don't think.

Aslo agree with Xenia. You need to have a back up folder of info and a separate bank account just in case.

A friedn found out about her husband's affair. She put off going to solicitr/getting financial info together while they tried to patch it up. Then found out almost a year later that he was still seeing OW and he threatened to divroce her and by then of course had done something clever wth the cash. B***d.