Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:
Beetrootccio · 14/03/2007 09:04

Yes very good advice form Xenia - need to be less trusting

Callisto · 14/03/2007 10:08

Sorry to butt in here out of the blue, I've been following the thread and Ernest, I think you are amazing. I only have one point to make.

Your husband told you that the Beast would leave her husband and children for him if you booted him out. I think he is bluffing. It is far more likely she is either a. crapping herself that her husband will find out and actually wants nothing more to do with your husband, or b. putting pressure on your husband to leave you and set up home with her and her kids.

From your husbands actions and words up until now I would assume the former is true. Your husband is a cowardly tosser who will think nothing of using a little emotional blackmail to make his life easier. I doubt that this will affect your ultimate decision, but just be more aware that he is a liar and trust nothing he says, even if he tells you the sky is blue.

Good luck with it all and loads of positive karma to you and your children.

mistressmiggins · 14/03/2007 10:09

absolutely agree that you need to make copies of all bank account statements & any investments etc NOW
IF you end up getting divorced, you have to give statements for a year but like the others said, he could move/hide money now

i am in process of divorcing my cheating husband & he is trying to give me as little as he can - probably due to fact that SHE doesnt want to see her nice life style change

hope it all works out - from reading this thread, you are being very strong

can only echo what others have said, its not the end of your life, just the end of your planned future - doesnt mean your new future cant be better - you may meet a man who treats you with the respect you deserve....

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/03/2007 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

elliott · 14/03/2007 10:20

I agree with Callisto's second para, but I think b. is the more likely scenario. I think your h may well have told OW that he is going to leave you, but needs a bit more time to work it out. that's not to say he doesn't mean what he says about trying with you over the next month, but I think he's confused and hedging his bets. Sorry, but a man who behaves like this is not going to be the most honest.

Beetrootccio · 14/03/2007 10:22

wannabe - god that would drive him away in a second

I don't agree that you should demand and make rules.

He needs to see you being calm and in control - the woman he fell in love with.

he has to chose to have no contact, etc etc and he chooses not to then there is your answer.

PrincessPeaHead · 14/03/2007 10:45

ernest, I've only just sen this (been abroad). I'm so so so sorry and shocked and sad for you. I can't believe it.
My reactions

  1. He doesn't deserve you
  2. The Beast has never told him that if he chooses to leave you she will leave her husband and children and move in with him, IMO. THis is absolutely a case of wishful thinking on his part. Don't let the thought of this influence in any way what you do. You have to work out what YOU want, independent of any such bollox he may choose to tell you
  3. I think you have been brilliant and strong and fantastic so far. I absolutely 100% can't urge you strongly enough to start copying papers etc. I also urge you to open your own account and tell him you want £x per month put in - an amount not unadjacent to what he would be paying you in maintenance. A serious whack of money per month. Tell him straight up that you will not accept being in this situation without having some cash cushion behind you, and that it may focus his mind to have some real time experience of the financial implications of any split. Plus if it does come to a divorce it will be difficult for him to argue it DOWN from this level. Tell him that this is a CONDITION of your agreeing to go on holiday and pretend that everything is OK and that you can't think of any possible reason why he wouldn't agree to it if he is serious about giving this a go. I seriously think his reaction to this request will tell you an enormous amount about how he is really thinking. And knowledge is power.

Best of luck. Manches is an excellent (expensive) firm if it comes to it - and as mumblechops says, you need to get Swiss and UK lawyers advice before you make a choice about what jurisdiction is better. However the UK is known as being, currently, one of the most favorable jurisdictions in the world for divorcing women and if you are happier with the language etc implications then you are unlikely to be completely shafted here. You will have no difficulty showing domicile at all.

I'm so sorry about all of this, if you want a sympathetic ear off the board you have my email address. lots of love. xx

ernest · 14/03/2007 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mumpbump · 14/03/2007 10:51

I don't really have anything to add to this thread other than to say what a t*sser! How insulting to you to be so ambivalent about wanting to make your relationship work. Quite frankly, if he's that unbothered that he will make you responsible for the decision (no doubt absolving himself of all the guilt of leaving!), the chances of it working sounds dodgy to me!!! I remember your thread about moving back to the UK. Guess it makes your decision easy...

tribpot · 14/03/2007 11:06

ernest, you're doing really well. But I would urge you to consider the advice to start demanding money upfront. You know your h better than we do, but equally we can be more objective than you because this horrible situation isn't happening to us. Look at the number of posts on MN where the h promises to be reasonable about money but then mysteriously isn't when the time comes.

Asking for a monthly allowance now may shock your h into realising this is really happening, or force him to reveal his true colours about money.

mateychops · 14/03/2007 11:15

Agree with tribpot. Also think you're sounding pretty together and very strong about all of this.

Beetrootccio · 14/03/2007 11:41

pph - great advice about asking him to put money in hte bank each month - ERNest - listen to your sisters - listen to us - we are all saying the same thing about money and this must mean something -

Original poster
ernest · 14/03/2007 11:49

very much like pph's suggestion and will ask on Friday when he comes back.

pph, not got your address no more, innit? (sorry, just been in touch with my old dodgy London comp for references, in case I need to re enter the world of paid work, so slipped back into teenage-boy-circa-1999 speak)

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 14/03/2007 13:11

ernest! Only just seen this. Your DH is quite unbeleivable.. . So sorry. No advice I'm afraid alhough I'd be sorely tempted to chop his knackers off, but probably not helpful. Sorry. And as for the Beast...words fail me! I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit sorry for him, he's treated you so appallingly and, by extension, your boys.

Sounds like you're beginning to get things sorted. Good luck with the holiday. Stay strong.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/03/2007 14:08

Sounds good ernest, and lots of good advice.

Please dont make the mistake of thinking that The Beast is a major player here, your DH is just as manipulative and deceitful as she is...dont give him extra wool to pull over your eyes. I can see how you'd think this way, after what you mentioned about your dad, but, your DH is his own man, and he is ultimately responsible for what he has done to his family.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/03/2007 14:10

(and I suggested a few days ago about him setting up an account in your name and paying money in....it is still a good idea )

kimi · 14/03/2007 16:29

the office slut gets worse and worse.
Ernest if he does leave to be with her it will end in tears mark my words (although they do sound as if they were made for each other, both scum.)
But once they enter the real world of living together, bills, kids, (although she is obviously going to discard hers like last years old winter boots)and the fact that she wont trust him, ok at first she will think he chose me he chose me, but then every time he is late she will wonder if he is doing to her what he has done to you, also you will be a part of his life for ever more and no matter what YOU are the mother of his children and he will always have a connection to you.
I would give it 6 months tbh, before he came crawling back to you begging forgiveness.

IF he does want to make it work with you then he has to change his job and cut all contact with the slut. Also don't let him get away with being holier then thou let everyone know he is a dog weather he stays with you or not.
And if he stays with you and changes jobs, then tell his the sluts hubby, he is married to a kid dumping slut.

batters · 14/03/2007 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 14/03/2007 20:06

But I do always think women tend to blame the other woman when most blame is with their husband but they love their husband so don't want to believe he is wrong and prefer the route of blaming the other woman who has forced him into it and yet often it's the husband really who did all the running.

Anyway get the paperwork copied. Glad you hid the passports.

Dior · 14/03/2007 20:17

Message withdrawn

mistressmiggins · 14/03/2007 20:47

I dont blame the other woman - Im fully aware that my ex has done this to our marriage & children
however, I have to get on with my ex because of the children, whereas SHE will always be the B1tch who knew he had children & still slept with him

my children were 18 mths & 3 1/2 when he left...so how old were they when she started sleeping with him?

as a woman, I wouldnt do that to another person & to be honest, would have more self-respect to find someone unattached (with or without children is a different issue)

pooka · 14/03/2007 21:23

That's right MM.
You/Ernest have to get on with your ex/h. You have no emotional ties to the OW and as a woman you know you wouldn't do this to another mother. So of course it's natural to be able to feel unadulterated hate/disgust/vitriol to the OW whereas you have to temper your reactions to your exh in a way.

Judy1234 · 14/03/2007 22:04

And yet often it's someone's husband who has purused another woman, often married and destroyed his own children's lives and those of her family too and yet women still blame women, not men.

ArtfulAardvark · 14/03/2007 22:11

I once worked with a girl who was seeing a married man she said she felt special and it was "thrilling" to sleep with a married man...how pathetic.

Tortington · 14/03/2007 22:11

i agree xenia i would despise my dh's every fibre of his being. the other woman may cause me to feel insecure or jealous but the destroying of the lives of our children and myself would have been his decision and his alone.