not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

I have 2 reasons for never doing it -

I would hate to cause ANYONE (even somone I dont know) that level of unhappiness.

Any man who would cheat on his wife is not good enough for me.

If they cheat once they do it again on the second wife anyway. It's an inherent thing anyway. If you marry a mistress you create a vacancy type of thing.

It's true about being free to really hate the OW, while having to keep on good terms with the H, when he may be more to blame. But there really are some women who take pleasure in sleeping with married men - they see it as a victory. I know one woman who actively pursued three men, all of whom were married / in long-term relationships, and in each case she tried to make her move when the relationship was at a weak point (in one case a bad patch, in another the wife was working abroad etc). Third time lucky, she prised her (married) man away from his wife, they divorced, he and she are now together and a bloody miserable life it is for him as she's incredibly possessive and watches him like a hawk. Yes he's to blame too and serves him right. But I disagree that the OW is generally not to blame. Some of them are nasty pieces of work who make a habit of targeting married men and don't give a shit about any kids involved.

May be. I have had quite a few married men in touch with me, on line and in real life. It's appalling. You get 1000 word essays from them on the subject. Perhaps I should do a PhD on why people stray. I've even had the essay on why married men are better than single men.

ernest I've just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. You sound so strong. Keep going.

It's been six months since I went through the same thing. In my case he admitted that he'd started seeing a work colleague again. This was a year after I found out that he'd had a two year affair with the same recently divorced woman, when he left me and the children for one night and then begged to come back and start again, and I took him back.

The advice people have been giving here is spot on. In my case he couldn't see that it wasn't about him deciding which of us he should choose (the arrogance is astounding), the point was that he had betrayed me, twice. I didn't trust him any more and it wasn't good enough that he'd done it accidentally, without meaning to hurt me. As someone here has described perfectly further down this thread, the point as far as I was concerned was that he didn't actively protect our relationship and allowed the affair to happen without thinking of me or the consequences of what he was getting into. He said he couldn't make up his mind what to do, so I made the decision for him. Six months on my feelings still swing about from day to day but I'm a lot better now than I felt at the beginning.

Nice revenge thread down there, very funny. My own revenge is that he, who has despised cats all his life (he'd sooner throw a stone at a cat as look at one), now shares a house with her and her two pedigree Siamese. He gives the appearance of being very much in love. I hope they are all very happy together, and that the cats mark their territory all over his clothes, frequently.

Thanks. a million again.

My tuppenceworth for the 'blaming the other woman, is that I don't think it's hating the OW because she's a woman, and somehow the bloke gets treated lighter, even tho it's probably more his fault. 1tly as others have said, a constructive relatinship usually still needs to carry on with the h. 2ndly, it is more posible to 'have it out' with the h. I've not met this beast and never wish to. But mostly, I think the 3rd pparty coming into the unit normally gest a lot of the balame. I'm sure, if/when the beasts h finds out, he'll be more angry with my h than his wife, for 'seducing a married woman' or however he chooses to view it.

Spoke to h a lot last night. Aparently she's now in LOndon and plans to tell her h on her return ( I think in 2 weeks) They've had problems for a while and nearly split up 2 years ago.

After I spoke I was alarmed to find myself aching for him, his gentle voice which has always been so comforting, and realising Imight be losing that forever made me really want to make a go of it. I was totally shocked because until now I've been quite strongly in favour of splitting up and genuinly see many benefits.

God, it's so complicated.

A big part of me thinks if I insist they end it and we try to make a go of it, he's alwys going to regret losing his 'new love', that she'll end up on a pedestil, the great, exciting OW with magical sex, who undertsands me. Whereas if I do say 'no, go to her' then the relationship could either blossom, and they'd live happily ever after, or he'd eventually realise what a HUGE mistake he's made.

I mean, right now he's still potentially got the exciting secrecy, clandestine meet ups, or worse, grieving having to give her up unwillingly for the tired old hag and for the sake of the kids. Does that make sence?

Ernest, don't think I've posted previously but I have been reading this thread and feeling for you.

As well as your dc's passports, do you have your marriage certificate? Keep that somewhere safe too. Agree that photocopying as much as possible now is sensible.

I do think his "I'll stay if you say so" is evil as it effectively puts the blame on you if your marriage ends - "but you told me to go". Don't let this influence you. Whatever happens, it was his actions which damaged the marriage and your dcs.

I do swym ernest - you're worried that if you try to make a go of it he'll never get the chance to realise the grass certainly isn't greener. But that is something he is going to have to be big enough to work out by himself and get over.

Of course you miss him, you love him, this has been a sudden bombshell for you. Don't be hard on yourself. Your resolve as to which decision to make will probably emerge gradually. (I say 'probably' as I'm not speaking from experience, thank goodness).

I was offered an interview for a job in Zürich 1.5 yrs ago and didn't go in the end. Wish I had now, so I could be around in case you needed a sympathetic ear/shoulder/practical help.

Message withdrawn

Nothing more to add, just to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Why is she going to tell her husband? Why destroy two families rather than just one? She must think your husband will go to her? She'll end up with nothing if she's not careful - she'll break up her marriage, hurt her children and I think there's a good chance your husband will stay with you. I don't see why she has to tel her husband at all unless they are 100% sure they're going to be together.

Ernest hang in there, you're doing really well.

But to add my voice to the others - you trusted him with your life and heart and just look how he looked after that trust. Don't assume that he'll have a magical change of character when it comes to money.

Bluntly, he's lied to you for a long time. Now is not the time to take things on trust. People say things they know will make the current situation easier for themselves - of course he wants to look like a good guy in your eyes, and money is one way of doing that. But can you be sure that he doesn't want to be the same money guy for the Beast.

Ernest - you make perfect sense. It's much easier to fantasise about what might have been than to deal with the every day reality of living with someone. Telling him to go is a high risk strategy on both parts - you might meet someone else even if he does realise it's all been a big mistake - but, for me, wondering if my other half was pining after someone else whilst with me would do my head in. But I have not been in your situation, so no idea what I would do in reality.

Batters, here come ore sluts .
The other woman is a slut because she has slept with a married man, she is a slut because she has been unfaithful to her own husband, she is a child dumping home wrecking slut because she is willing to rip apart the lives of 5 (i think) children. And Eurnest's husband is also a male slut for all the above reasons.
If anyone is sleeping with a husband or wife that is not their own then shame on them, its not a love affair full of wonder magic and understanding, its a dirty seedy little excuse for sex.

wow kimi I like that bluntness!

I try,

well, i hate americanisms, but, well, you go girl! lol

bloody 'eck kimi - you tell 'em

Ernest,
Pleased to hear your making plans by hiding passports, marriage cert etc. Great idea to photocopy all financial documents these may well come in very useful if you decide to split.
I'd tell h that when your on holiday the phone and laptop stay behind and that communicate between him and ow must stop totally.
I'd love to tell her dh of situation just as you jumped the plane when she'd have to deal with her own marriage whilst you were away repairing yours if thats what you want.
The grass is never greener as my dh's marriage ended in this way and his ex wife is unhappy and liking of splitting again lol I so pleased she's unhappy it's all she's entitled to a life of pain and regret hahaha.
If h thinks he'll be better off with her then he's in dream land he'll have to pay more out monthly etc.
Agree other woman is a slut if she's got marriage problems she needs to sort these and find a single man. Who the hell does she think she is to go for your h what a nerve bitch!
Is h sorry for affair and hurting you or sorry you found out?
Does he wish the cat was still in the bag? Did he think he could have his cake and eat it long term?
Why is it that men seem to think with there dicks!
I also blame women as I think we tend to think carefully before making decisions and choices with her heads and hearts where as men are a little weaker and tend to go for the easy option where their dicks can get what their dicks want.
Just tell him that if he leaves you for her then all his/your family will know what he's done. Tell him it;s not a good example for his sons as they will think that treating women like this is acceptable is that what he wants. He needs to think if he wants his sons to grow up feeling about their father the way you feel about yours. Whether he sees them weekly/daily he'll still not be in their lives 100% as to be in their lives he needs to be in yours.
Ernest wishing you all the best you sound very strong now hope when he comes home tomorrow you can see the regret in his face. May be you should show him what he's missing but not let him taste it again for a bit that'll make his dick re-think I'm sure.
If we cut the dicks off will men use their heads more if they through before jumping most of them wouldn't bother as it's not worth the pain and regret that he'll live with for life whatever happens he'll have to face that daily and it's all his own making. If he stays you shouldn't worry about whether he regrets not going etc thats his problem and he'll have to come to terms with it he'll realize he made the right choice it may take a little time but as like Dior I nearly left h for a guy who showed some affection when my marriage was having problems as when we fixed marriage I did occasionally think what if when things got heated but I now I did the right thing I adore my dh and if he did this I'd cut the dick off for sure don't care if I did jail time it would make me fill much better as he'd never hurt anyone again by not keeping it in his pants!

I have definitels decided I'm going to make a go of it with him over the next 6 weeks (5 at home &1 on holiday)

The boys have missed him tremendously, I'm surprised to find I have also missed him

I have already started making BIG changes.

-I am going to return to work. HAve already started looking. (OMG; I haven't worked since July 1999, so a bit scared)

-I am making new friends so am not alone.

-I am acquainting myself with our finances.

-I have opened my own bank account.

-I am going to learn about computers so I am not a thickie dummy relying on him for that (about the 1 thing I always ask for help with. Dejags thanls so much for email suggestion. Now who can tell me where/how I learn all about specifically macs?)

-I have stopped taking pill. He'll have to use condoms anyway if I ever let him anywhere near me again. I didn't want to take it, but also didn't want another child, but now I'm doing what I want, and I don't want to do that.

-He's going to have a list of jobs, like it or lump it. I am no longer slave.

Whatever happens, some good (eg above list) will have come out of this, and I know I've got a tough road ahead, but I'll be OK.

Oh, and the strength I have has 100% come from you lot. And if my marriage survives, It'll be down to you lot too. I cannot thank you all enough for your words of encouragement, wise counsel, hope and dissing the BEAST. ha ha.

Cheers.

(he returns today, so may not be around till Monday)

ernest - I've been following this thread too. You sound like you've made some huge but positive decisions. Good for you Hope it goes ok today.

I saw this thread the other day but didn't have anything to add at the time.

Good luck as you give your marriage another go- but boy do make him work for it :D

[MAJOR respect]

Ernest, you sound so amazing and strong, good luck to you.

I've no experience of your situation so I can't offer advice on that score, but I do have a mac and although no expert, am v. happy to talk you through some basics if you have any questions.

OK Ernest but make him grovel......Hope it works out. Doing these things for yourself should also make you stronger if you do decide to kick him out at any point. The very best of luck with everything!