not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

Is this a show stopper ??

How long has it been going on,how long have you been married. ?

Personally I would ignore it, for now, and get a FUCK OFF FUND behind you.

In the meantime, get some legal advice.

If you do end up as a single parent, where do you want that to happen, do you want to be a single parent in the UK ?

Or a single parent in Switzerland.

I am sorry to sound so clinical, but you need to think. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. Stone Cold. IMO

Thanks so much all of you. I really haven't got anyone to talk to. The main people I've got are mil and she's got cancer and enough on her plate, and sil who's freaked about about her mum's cancer and she's 20 weeks pg, not to mention his sister.

I can't see any way out of this. I always said I never wanted to leave Switzerland. My kids love it here. I'll always regret leaving, till the day I die. Right now I wish I was, it'd be fucking easier.

But tomorrow I've got to get up, smile at my 3 angels and somehow act normal.

I asked him was he going to end it with her, he didn't answer. But what way forward is there, as they 'love each other'.

Ironically, he went and got this lap top today, and while he was etting everything up it's how I discovered the mail, yet it's at the same time providing me with the only support I'll get.

so sorry for you ernest.
as others said it comes from the ones you least expect.
my advice would be dont rush to quick decisions.
try to talk to him. if he is a good father and husband he wont leave you alone in a difficult situation in another country.
maybe he will be back in the future, if not he can help you and your children to get through this.
dont feel hopeless, there is always a solution.
as for xenia, her situation was too different then ours, she was lucky to keep her job.
good luck and many hugs.
monika XXX.

Message withdrawn

DH is clearly not bothering about you, his poor sick mother or the kids - why dont you just concentrate on you. Selfish bastard that he is. I like the idea of a Fuck off Fund Sherlock. However dontl like Xenia getting a hard time and if nothing else you can look to her to see that life does go on.
Good luck to you

I think everyone in this situation wonders how they could cope as a single parent etc but trust me you can. My ex had an affair when my baby was six weeks old, it blew me apart but I picked up the pieces and now have a life far better than it could ever have been had I stayed with him. Whatever happens you will survive, cope and eventually thrive. If you and your kids are happy in Switzerland, then stay. You will find friends and support, and in the meantime you have MN.

I would also contact her DH but thats just me.

I don't even know if I can chuck the wanker out, nothing. We just had parent evening for ds2 yesterday. Last year it had been a devastatingly sad and bad meeting, and last night the teacher was visibly glowing with excitment at how well he's got on in the last few months, grown up, really got to grips with the language, so much more self assure, just a huge turn around. I was so relieved and happy and proud. I spent most of today just with him, going to a cafe, buying him a magazin (usually say no), lots of time, attention, praise, then took him and ds1 to footie match. Just had a wonderful day with my 2 biggest boys, So bloody happy.

But poor h isn't happy.

I'd contact her H, too, but I'm going native after all this time .

that's the 1st thing I wanted to da, phone her dh. But I don't know the number, they're not in phone book. I have no idea how to get it. His mobile is company so it means no bills come here to get number, and his phone has got loads of security as it's work (?) so can't look there.

She moved jobs recently, so I don't even know where she work. All I have is here email address.

tell him you want to seek some legal advice before making andy decisions, he should pay for it. then you will have an idea of how you stand financially, which will probalby be an important factor for you.
at the same time it may 'shock' him to think that 'you' may be leaving and with the kids(for now he is obviously just thinking about the fun he is having while his family is at home), which may help trigger him to answer your q.

then you will have some more info to work with.

i feel really awfully for you. i wish you the stregnth to wake up in the morning and smile at your little ones, and keep your head above the water.

Why is poor h not happy? - not that I give a shit about poor h

Ernest

Do not channel your energies, into telling the other partner.

Channel your energies into you and your wonderful children.

I would only do it cause I feel he would have a right to know also. But yes just think about yourself

ernest
Just did a quick look on web for you and found the following law firm who is based in London but does Family law in Switzerland:-

Manches LLP
+44 020 7404 4433
[email protected]
WWW.Maches.com

Just looked under Switzerland Family law:-
If you are classed as Domicile or Habitual Residence the laws a bit different for both.
But they can advise on finances/ maintenance/capital/property, child maintenance and divorce.
Looks like Switzerland courts work better than ours you are entitled to to all of the above and with children he may have to give you annual lump sums based on earns as well as maintenance so in this case if you decided to leave he has to support you.
I'd give them a call on Monday and see where you stand may be that your entitled to stay in Switzerland because of amount of time you have been there and if so as a member of European Government your entitled to there welfare state.
Hope you don't think I'm being cheeky looking at the web but at the moment I feel your very hurt, alone and confused and just wanted to help in some way.
(((hugs coming your way)))

Ernest - I remember your post from a couple of weeks' back and am gutted to see the situation you find yourself in now. Am in no position to offer anything but love and hugs to you and your dc at this horrible time.

OK. Here's my twopence worth, and I guess I've been there, got the t-shirt, as much as anyone. I would really recommend that you don't start thinking about her, her dh or anything connected to her. Some people find it helps to go and scream at the mistress, as a way of lowing off steam, but I really think it's important to get your priorities right in these circumstances. Your priority should be you, and your children. Period.

Your (d)h will probably also be unhappy, and you will feel bad about that (after all you love him) but that is really his problem. And that's the second part of my advice really. In the time to come you will probably find out his reasons for his behaviour, and some of those reasons may be about your interactions together. But it is entirely his choice to have an affair, and that just isn't acceptable behaviour. No excuses.

So, it is not your fault, and it probably wasn't really hers either - although in this case she is also an adulterer, as was my ex's mistress so also unacceptable, but really that's her husbands issue, not yours. your dh has followed his own choices, and they were bad ones, and you have every right to feel angry, upset and hurt. Do not feel bad about that!

What you should do is get support. If you can find people to talk to, do. If you can find childcare support for you if you feel you are falling apart then do. If on the other hand throwing yourself into being with your lovely children makes you feel better, do that. Get legal advice as soon as you can, so that you know where you stand if you decide to go it alone, or your dh decides to leave. It's much better to know than to worry about it. If you can get emotional advice I'd try for that too - I know that Relate do telephone support if there is nothing locally. Don't do anything in a hurry - give yourself time to come to terms with things in your own way.

It is horrible, it is painful, life will never be the same but you can get through it one way or another. There are lots of people here who have, who will all support you.

i too remember you ernest
maybe that is why hubby wants to move back to leave said woman behind

my heart breaks for you, try to draw strength from your inner goodness and your dc's

we've booked a holiday for about 6 weeks time to take his parents away for the week to spend some time with the grandchildren. We were supposed to go last year but couldn't because of mil's cancer diagnosis and treatment.

It's mad, but I feel guilty and ashamed and sorry.

Don't worr, I'm not suicidal, but I do wish I was dead. Just not here, not having to face this. Just looked at my son's angelic fac and I cannot believe he has done this to us. Ripped our world apart.

I'm going to sleep now. thanks for such kind words and just being there.

Night

oh sweet

What a total tosser he is.

contact the link that charlotte gave you. Start planning a future for you and your boys - dont wait to see what h wants to do.

Dont feel like you owe him anything, or feel guilty if his family find out - he is the thoughtless selfish arsehole - not you.

well, it's now day after. He seems to be erring towards staying and trying to make it work. I feel rushed, dazed. I've asked him to take boys out for the day, then to go away for a week. I suppose of course he will go to her, except she's also married with 2 small kids.

I hate him so muc. And I feel sick and tired and more miserable than I knew it was possible to feel. And I don't know what to do.

I haven't got my own back account and as I don't have an income, don't think I can open one.

Is that right that I might not be able to leave the countr Oh God, what a mess

Ernest - please don't start worrying about bank accounts, whether you can leave the country etc. until you have sought some legal advice. You have plenty of other things to be thinking about - primarily the emotional welfare of you and dc - without these other factors, which may or may not need to be dealt with. It's unquestionably easier said than done but really try to not wind yourself up about things which might not be a problem and then deal with them one at a time as they occur. (From a practical point of view, alimony surely counts as income anyway, should it get that far?)

Thinking of you {{{{{hugs}}}}}

ernest, you could probably open a PTT savings account in your name and transfer money into that. But TBH, and I speak as a SAHM with no income and living in a foreign country, a hell of a lot depends on what your H decides to do. If he decides to move back to UK as your previous thread suggested, he would give up his C permit and I'm not sure how that leaves you. We only had B permits which were dependent on my H working and living in CH. If you choose to separate, is his income enough to support 2 households?

Its so bloody hard, this financial dependency stuff. We are now in NL, DH lost his job last year, we are flat broke and know so little of the social security system here. Its very frightening. What I would say is that in any crisis like yours and to some extent ours, you find out who your friends are.

I really hope it works out for you. Love to you and your boys.

Answer to that Q is I've got none

Oh ernest No one at all? I found other foreign mums to be a good support and made really good friends with a couple of them. Is there no one at all you could turn to?