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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Disappointed with your sex life part 2

185 replies

gettingthere · 05/07/2004 01:33

here you go folks. last thread was getting long. For those who are new, go back to Disappointed with your sex life.

OP posts:

lemonade · 05/07/2004 12:25

gettingthere - I found you! As I have no sense of direction, this is a major achievement for me! Here is the link for the previous thread Disappointed with your sex life? It worked! I'll enjoy my virtual choccie bar with a cup of coffee in a mo. Must free up the phone line and will write later! l xx

lemonade · 05/07/2004 13:27

bobs - Thanks for your last message. It's really nice of you to look in on us and give us support the way you do! Thanks! So, how are you?

gettingthere - You've made me go all soppy with thoughts of romance! Oh, my teenage years!!!!

Branster and REB - Hi! How are you?

reallyembarrassedbut · 05/07/2004 14:01

Hi - you've moved! But it seems nice in here, I like what you've done with it - is there a garden?

lemonade · 05/07/2004 15:02

REB - Yep! And a patio complete with table, parasol, chairs and a tray of drinks! Are you joining us?! l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 05/07/2004 15:19

Well, normal service has been resumed here - We haven't argued for a while, but it is still quite lonely on my side of the bed.

I very nearly took up an "offer" from someone elses girlfriend a little while ago, just for the sake of a hug, and I think I'm pleased i didn't.

lemonade · 05/07/2004 18:15

REB - I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know what to say. I've initiated a renewal of the physical side of my relationship, but it feels very empty without love. I'm hoping that will follow. l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 05/07/2004 19:24

Lemonade - have you said to your loved one "this is what i'm doing, this is why" or am I being unbearably naive?

wild · 06/07/2004 00:51

I have been reading the last thread and was sad to realise others are in the same boat as I although I must admit it's almost something of a relief as I felt I must be the only one in the world living with someone who shows no interest in touching me.
I have just been on holiday with him and the first eight days were really stressful as once you're away together (baby with my parents) you feel there is no excuse for what is going on such as pressures of work, tiredness etc etc. By the eighth night I was insomniac and crying quietly into my pillow but then just before we went home we finally had a shag and although I was too tense to enjoy it for itself I immediately felt beautiful alive and loved. Like watering a plant. Now we are back at home, I have started new job and we are both tired and stressed again me in particular working full-time now plus looking after house and 2 year old. I couldn't care less about sex but all the other things are beginning to grate that if you do have a good sex live are easier to ignore. So at present my conclusion is, sex itself is not as overwhelmingly important in itself as it becomes when there's been none for ages, and it's not your fault if the other one turns away, as you do begin to feel it may be. But is does play a crucial role in keeping things easy and light in a household. For myself I don't think I've the energy or romanticism any more to look for anything better than I have, I just want a stable life for myself and my son. Plus I do love him albeit less every day. Personally I will make the best of what I have and forget what I don't have (sex and laughter). There are lots of things I'd like and can't have; private income, creative talent etc etc. But I'm not unhappy.

Original poster

gettingthere · 06/07/2004 01:24

hi everyone - bit easier to post a message, isn't it?

well, after lovely day with lovely man have heard nothing since. This is sort of par for the course, but i am trying to stay relaxed about it. Basically when we're in the same place (which is rare!) all is good etc etc, but he is not good at communication (statement of the year) so i'm not sure where i am. we are not in a relationship as i said, but where are we then? its all so frustrating. never mind - chin up i've got mumsnet to post my thoughts on which is much better than me being bad tempered about it!! are all men like this??

OP posts:

lemonade · 06/07/2004 01:50

Hi, everyone! Will post tomorrow as I can't just now. l xx

lemonade · 06/07/2004 13:09

REB - No, I've not said anything recently but a few weeks ago when I said to him that I wanted to improve things and initiated the 1st sex in over a year probably still covers it iyswim. Okay, so it was only a couple of sentences and nothing has been said since, but that's par for the course. Anyway, he's having an incredibly busy time at the moment so he's rarely here anyway.

Wild - Thanks for your post. I can identify with your situation. At the beginning I became really needy (trying to get his attention, I think) and then very distant (hoping he'd notice and do something about it) and nothing for me has worked as yet. The bit about loving him a little bit less each day is what has happened to me. Sorry, I don't know what to suggest. At least you're very welcome to join us on this thread and we try to help and support each other.

gettingthere - Hi! Yes, this is so much easier to scroll. I think that some men do spend quality time with someone they care for and then concentrate hard on work and stuff until the next occasion without picking up the phone. It's annoying and that, but I think some don't have the understanding of social niceties (?) that women tend to have. So yes, I've had that in the past, too! I've had the opposite as well from others, so not all men are the same. Chat away to us here and perhaps (mad idea here) think of him as a delicious fruit that only comes into season once a week/fortnight!

dorisday2 · 06/07/2004 17:17

what do you do if you are married to a kind, loyal man who provides you with a good standard of living and is a kind and loving dad but you just don't want to be physicalwith? That the kisses make you feel sad? and you feel guilty that you can't provide the physical loving that we all desire? (even when drunk!)Guess I am looking for words of wisdom myself now! My integrity tells me I should leave.

Thoughts would be welcomed. I know that ultimately my decision lies within.

lemonade · 06/07/2004 18:07

dorisday2 - I don't know. I don't feel I'm being honest in "acting the part". Nor do I want to leave. Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but I want things to get better so I'm trying a different tactic, even if I'm not being true to myself. Don't know if any of that makes sense, sorry. l xx

Original poster

gettingthere · 06/07/2004 23:09

hello everyone - i guess the problem is always the balancing act between personal integrity and whats best for the children. I stayed for a long time because i thought it was best for them and in our case it was (although i would never criticise anyone who leaves instead - all families are different). I think i have now come to a view though that relationships can struggle on but if they are not satisfactory most (but not all) will come to an end at some point.

I have had lousy week. too many ups and downs (and mostly downs!). I don't understand this man - but i do care about him, so it hurts (a lot). also work is crap at the moment. children are great though - v excited about summer holidays etc.

big hugs everyone xxx

OP posts:

lemonade · 07/07/2004 00:22

gettingthere - Hi! I agree with you. I do expect my marriage to come at an end at some point. Ideally I'd like it to be once the kids have left home. That's about 8 - 10 years away and I don't want to be unhappy all of that time. I can but try to make it better.

I'm sorry that you're having a bad week. I don't know what to say. If it was me, I'd probably contact him keeping the tone light. Was anything arranged at the end of the last day that you were together? If not and he contacts you and you have another day together, I'd have a phrase ready like "So where shall we go next time, then?" or "When would you like us to meet next?" so that something gets at least semi arranged there and then. That's the best feel-good time, at the end of a good time together. Sorry, English grammar going to the dogs - too tired to think straight! Take care, l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 07/07/2004 11:50

oh good, now the arguing has started again.

She says, very occasionally, that she loves me, but she's so quick to talk to me like the biggest fool she's ever had the misfortune to encounter that I find myself crying when I think about it afterwards.

I think my marriage is over, so maybe sex isn't what I should be worrying about.

lonelymumof3 · 07/07/2004 12:04

My marriage sex life and marriage is going downhill at a fast rate. DH just isn't interested in me anymore.

REB I feel for you.

lemonade · 07/07/2004 12:57

REB - I'm sorry to hear that. Do I remember you saying before that you're not actually married but are living as a married couple? Does dw feel insecure, do you think? How would you rate her self confidence? IMO it's often the ones you love you take out your bad feelings on. l xx

lmo3 - You're amongst others who understand. So sorry. I hope the support and advice you're getting from the other thread is helping you. If you want to post here for us to try to help, please do. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 07/07/2004 13:07

i tried to make an effort the other night and bought some nice new underwear and perfume etc and he just didn't care. I feel so rejected. Not just because of the sex, but cos of other things as well. That was the final straw though

lemonade · 07/07/2004 13:21

lmo3 - So sorry. Although, I think that a "last straw" is exactly what's needed to galvanise someone into action and give the partner an ultimatum i.e. "Change your behaviour or this relationship is over". Take care. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 07/07/2004 19:09

the trouble is...there have been too many 'last straws' its becoming a bit of a habit

Original poster

gettingthere · 07/07/2004 22:44

lemonade - i think because you are so positive, hopefully your relationship will survive the bumps. Certainly i feel my children have been damaged by our breakup and i have real regrets about that. although i didn't instigate the breakup (exh had a number of affairs) i do wonder if i did enough.

have now been in touch with lovely, uncommunicative man, who has had bad week at work etc etc. we'll see what's in store, but i do feel better.

I do admire everyone on this thread - you are all trying to resolve complicated situations - i didn't succeed - but i really hope you all do.

group hug, xxx

OP posts:

lemonade · 07/07/2004 22:56

lmo3 - I'm so sorry for you having to go through this. Have you made a decision yet? Have you got any questions you want help or advise on? Take care. l xx

gettingthere - I'm sorry, I hadn't realised the reason for you marriage breakdown. I don't think you had any choice, honestly I don't. I would have done the same. I'm glad you've spoken to your chap and feel a bit better about it. Thanks for the group hug! l xx

lemonade · 08/07/2004 02:31

gettingthere - I left an 'r' out in my last post! It's worrying as 1) I'm a touch typist and 2) I previewed before posting! The trouble is, I re-word things half way through a sentence and don't make all the necessary changes! Please tell me I'm not alone in doing it! l xx

REB - How are you today? l xx

Original poster

gettingthere · 08/07/2004 18:11

lemonade no worries - i didn't notice! (and you're not alone in doing it!) how are you today? due to weather children keep bickering which is a pain.

REB - how are you and where are you?

talk soon xx

OP posts:

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