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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disappointed with your sex life part 2

185 replies

gettingthere · 05/07/2004 01:33

here you go folks. last thread was getting long. For those who are new, go back to Disappointed with your sex life.

OP posts:
lemonade · 10/07/2004 16:38

REB - If she hates it, is it because she doesn't like the way she looks?

reallyembarrassedbut · 10/07/2004 16:39

I think that's a part of it Lemonade, yes. I have tried to convince her otherwise, but my opinion isn't worth a lot. I'm pretty horrid looking myself.

I wouldn't be unfaithful to her, but I have to admit I do think about it. If you see what I mean.

lonelymumof3 · 10/07/2004 16:40

wow lemonade....i havent got the guts to do that.

REB....sorry...didnt mean to offend...i didnt mean you should go off with these women......all I meant was that its ok to look....

lonelymumof3 · 10/07/2004 16:41

REB I hate how I look and it does have a huge impact on how I feel.....I have battled for years with eating disorders and I hate the way I look. Even on my wedding day I stood there in my dress crying cos I looked so terrible

lemonade · 10/07/2004 16:44

REB - It's pretty common for women to feel like that. I'd value the opinion of someone who didn't really know me (even a stranger in the street!) more than family as the former are more likely to say the truth iykwim. Family and close friends say what you want to hear.

Yes, I think of having an affair, too. Emphasis on the "think"! After all, everyone wants to be desired by someone, don't they?

reallyembarrassedbut · 10/07/2004 16:44

I understand lm, but I find my DW very attractive - if I'm honest the women who catch my eye tend to look a bit like her.

This is self-indulgent, but when you do everything you can to tell someone how beautiful you think they are, and they just disagree with you it's soul destroying. I stopped buying her flowers a month or so ago, because I think she took that as being a compliment she didn't want either.

lemonade · 10/07/2004 16:52

REB - It is a vicious circle. I believe that it comes down to self esteem. If you don't think you're worth it then it's hard to say thanks and mean it. I've been there and done that.

Original poster
gettingthere · 11/07/2004 00:29

i nearly didn't post a message here today - i think because the sincerity of all the comments on this thread makes me wonder at the way we all start off with hopeful, loving and caring relationships which in the end not only destroy themselves but very nearly destroy us all in the process. I certainly felt like a jigsaw puzzle, at the stage before the picture is visible, if you know what i mean. Since my separation (divorce came through today by the way) i am beginning to feel like the person i once was - only now i also have baggage, and i'm older, so i feel significant emotional regrets (although logically i wouldn't have acted differently). I have the most tremendous respect for everyone that is trying to put their relationship right - you have both guts and integrity, but i think i would add that none of us should destroy our personal sense of self worth in the process. I hope this makes since, it is from the heart, but rather melancholy. My children have survived and so have i - but at a price. The most, most difficult thing for me is that i have met someone that i really feel i connect with, but for whatever reason (probably baggage on both sides) I can have no hope for a relationship, and of course lack of hope is the most soul-destroying emotion i have ever felt - within a relationship or without. I just feel so sorry for all of us who feel the pain we clearly all have. In the end i really do believe we gain something from it, but where are all the meaningful relationships we all hoped for? I personally don't know anyone who has one.

I'm sorry to be melancholy - please bear with me and i'll probably be able to temporarily forget it by tomorrow. Big hugs.xxxx

OP posts:
lemonade · 11/07/2004 12:28

gettingthere - I'm sorry I didn't see your message last night as I would have liked to have replied sooner. I can't imagine what it's like to have your divorce come through and for it to be written down in black and white. At the stage I'm at now, I feel so full of regret for what I thought my relationship would be and knowing what it's turned out to be. For what it's worth, I don't view separated or divorced people or lone parents as having baggage any more as I realise that we all have it. Whether it's losing a parent whilst young or major health problems or whatever, we all have something that happened that we didn't want to. I think having experience of life's knocks makes you more willing to accept others warts and all. I married my dh because he said he'd love me for ever and I wanted that security. I did love him, but it wasn't a real love from the heart, but more from the head. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Take care and I'll be thinking of you. l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 11/07/2004 19:16

gettingthere - sympathies on the divorce - I'm sure you're happier that you're divorced, otherwise it wouldn't happen, but I always think it's a shame when, as you say, so much hope and faith ends up as nothing.

I'm still hoping, even though I know really It's all over.

Good luck

lemonade · 11/07/2004 22:01

REB - I'm sorry. I'm trying to write but can't find the words. Fwiw, I don't think it's over for you as you've both told each other that you love each other recently, which I and dh haven't done for many (10 or 15?) months. l xx

lemonade · 12/07/2004 14:51

gettingthere - How are you today? l xx

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 15:00

hope your all ok today x x

reallyembarrassedbut · 12/07/2004 15:21

The usual lm - how about you? I was feeling a bit sorry for myself the other night, and then i started thinking about how you feel, and I have to admit cried a bit.

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 15:36

very low today REB. how about you?

reallyembarrassedbut · 12/07/2004 15:40

lousy, but no so lousy I don't wish I could help, not that I have any idea how. Lunchtime drink perhaps?

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 15:41

LOL.....I WISH!!!!

reallyembarrassedbut · 12/07/2004 15:50

I'd try not to stare lustily too much lm, I promise - want to tell what's up?

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 16:12

i tried to talk to him last night and he just went out running instead....i was in bed by the time he got back

lemonade · 12/07/2004 16:19

lmo3 - Could you write things down? Make notes for yourself about what bothers you in order to get your thoughts together before talking to him? Or perhaps write him a letter? Start off by saying how you loved things as they were when you were soul mates and that you want to be as close to him now as you were then, perhaps? l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 12/07/2004 16:20

So, he's avoiding the problem. What could he be frightened of do you think? Why is it that he feels so strongly that there is something that he doesn't want to face, perhaps because he can see the problem, and doesn't feel he can help solve it or even cope with it?

I don't have an answer, I have started to run (metaphorically) a bit too. It is going to sound like a refrain, but what would happen if the two of you got some time to spend together, regularly, that you could look forward to once the initial awkwardness was over? I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about having nothing to have to do but talk to each other, not just about the serious stuff, but about the weather, and wasn't lunch nice, and what shall we go and see at the cinema next weekend?

I get down because I don't feel there is anything to look forward to, perhaps yu and he need something else. If I'm making excuses for him I'm sorry.

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 18:53

lemonade....i have wrote a diary and i know he has read it but its not made much, if any, difference. I couldnt write anything in a letter that he hasnt already heard or read.

REB no you arent making excuses for him. I am so fed up of things. We never get any time together. I am not ready to leave the baby yet either to go out. We have never been bothered about going out anyway. We have always been the sort to just have a nice meal in and a natter....well.....used to be....

As a last resort, I have been and bought something nice for dinner, so I am going to try and cook a nice meal (well as good as I can do!!) and try and talk to DH properly....again. I know he wants to do his weights again tonight, but I have worked round that. The kids are having their tea now, and then I will get them in the bath and ready for bed at 7. Then while DH is exersizing, I can get the dinner ready and do DHs sandwhiches for work tomorrow, so he can't use that as an excuse either.....HE WILL NOT AVOID ME AND WE WILL SORT THIS OUT TONIGHT!!!!! (i hope )

wish me luck!!!

Here's hoping

reallyembarrassedbut · 12/07/2004 19:02

crosses fingers for you

But don't see not solving everything in one go as if by magic wand as a failure - it will happen slowly

lemonade · 12/07/2004 19:04

lmo3 - Lots of luck from me. I hope it all goes well. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 19:05

oh i know.....just an answer to why he is being the way he is is all i want at the moment....that way i can work with him to put it right. (she says hoping!!!!)

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