Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disappointed with your sex life part 2

185 replies

gettingthere · 05/07/2004 01:33

here you go folks. last thread was getting long. For those who are new, go back to Disappointed with your sex life.

OP posts:
lemonade · 14/07/2004 16:50

lmo3 - I'm okay, thanks! I've been trying to de-clutter the house a bit and there's now more space and more natural light. One room is a complete dump, but I'm going to work through that slowly. It's part of my "trying to make the home a nicer place" attempt! How about you? l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 17:06

I don't think I made myself very clear lemonade, perhps because I don't know what I want - I suppose I'm wondering if losing the woman I love, and to an extent losing my son as well is worth it to satisfy the feelings of need (no, not just sex) that sometimes hurt me very much indeed.

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 18:38

im getting there I think!! Things finally seem to be looking up between me and DH. I hope!!! I have severed all ties with my mum and sister now, so hopefully, with time, things will get better. Enough was enough.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 19:29

lmo3 - That sounds really positive! Good luck!

gettingthere, Branster and REB - How are you?

Original poster
gettingthere · 14/07/2004 20:19

lemonade, thanks for your messages. I think this gym bit is going to do me in!! but I'm looking forward to getting fitter. Well done to you for tidying up - please give me any handy tips - it usually all seems to much. I spend so long making a list I don't leave time to do any of it!!

REB - I do, and don't understand how you feel, I think, because it's different for all of us. For those of us who were in truly horrible relationships, it is much better to separate - but there's no sudden recovery. Life loses some of its stresses, but single again at whatever age after a marriage has broken down is not an easy process, and certainly speaking for myself and others I know well, it takes some time to come to terms with where you are, and longer to contemplate new relationships with hope, when self esteem is prepared. Have you tried to write down all the pros and cons really honestly? there are a lot of cons as well as the pluses. I know you have thought about it a lot - just wanted to sound a word of warning on this. Whatever you do - do it slowly is my advice. Don't mean to sound gloomy though.

OP posts:
reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 20:43

gettingthere, thank you - now might not be the time to do it, the list that is, as I am working on being drunk at the moment

lemonade · 14/07/2004 20:57

REB - I think gettingthere's advice is very good and is what I want to say, too.

Also, I think saying "I love you" often (every day is best) is a very good way of re-inforcing the message that you do hold your partner close in your heart. I'm rubbish at it, but I want to try to do it again. I know how important it is.

I think what I personally gain from this thread is the feeling that I can only complain so much, but no-one else can improve my relationship with my dh, only me. And I only mean that for me, I'm not saying that anyone else is complaining or that they are expecting someone else to work miracles for them. Since I started trying to improve things, one cloud seems to have lifted and although nothing major has happened, I do feel better about it, generally. It's a long line of little steps, some forwards and some back. But as long as I keep facing the right way, I'll get there in the end. Do I sound crackers?!!

gettingthere - The brilliant thing about being fit and maintaining that level of fitness is that everything then seems easy. When I did manual work I was pretty fit and could do sports without really trying! That was good! As for tidying up, I'm making progress but it's slow as I've so much to do. If I still had my last (little) house, I'm sure I'd be much tidier! I don't make lists often enough. I used to make a list and write down 5 things and do 3. Not a sensible system, I'm afraid. It's much better to spend 20 mins on each thing, even the ones you hate, and then move on to the next one. Even if you haven't finished a task, you've started it, which is often the hardest part.

Well, I've waffled on enough. Must go! l xx

lemonade · 14/07/2004 21:03

REB - Are you still there?

lemonade · 14/07/2004 21:18

Oh, well, never mind!

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 21:22

sorry!

As it happens I have been trying to do somethng about my health and general fitness, but that's more not wanting to die, as the years advance. DW wouldn't notice if I turned into the swellest loveliest handsomest man in the world, because, and this is really the problem, she just doesn't need anyone in her life it seems.

I'm pretty average, plain and so on, but the one thing i do try to do, and always have, is make sure she knows how much I adire her, in lots of ways, as well as flowers and attention, and listening to her, and doing what I can around the house, but she's simply lost interest in sharing her life or her thoughts or her soul.

Or she's having an affair, but I'm hoping tomorrow I'll think "what a ridiculous notion, that's the drink talking". Of course, if she is, that's because I'm not enough.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 22:03

REB - Hi! Well, it sounds like you're being attentive and loving. I think that's so important.

I think that everyone needs someone even if they don't seem to give out those signals. After all, you wouldn't be living together if she wasn't the type who wanted to share her life with someone, would you? And that someone is you.

And I disagree that if someone has an affair, it means that they're unhappy with the person they're with. Other things like self esteem, depression, insecurity and bereavement might be the reason. Btw, my dh is no great shakes in the looks department. The time for thinking of that was when he first asked me out. I don't give it a second thought, honestly I don't. He sees me 1st thing with no make-up and that's a scary sight, believe me! l xx

Original poster
gettingthere · 14/07/2004 22:09

REB - please, please do not describe yourself as average. No-one is average - we are all unique and have unique talents and qualities, which are different for each of us. Even if things are going less well, to walk tall, to tell yourself that you have a lot to offer makes a real difference - and other people notice that. I know now's not the right time, but make another list as well (sorry - I am a habitual list maker)- this time of all the positives about yourself, of which I am sure there are lots. You could post it on here? How about these for starters - you appear to be a sensitive person, who cares deeply about his family, who recognises difficulties but is prepared to overcome them etc. Your turn to tell us the rest!(if you're drunk this could be really fun!!!!)

OP posts:
lemonade · 14/07/2004 22:34

gettingthere - You're absolutely right! You're a natural at this, unlike me who gets tongue tied and flustered!

REB - I agree 100% with gettingthere. I think that personality is much more important than looks. It's always been what I've gone for in a relationship.

Branster · 15/07/2004 01:22

Hello! Hello! Hello!

This is such a nice thread! I'm always nosing around here to see how you guys are doing and it just feels like a nice, cosy and safe chat. I'm so glad it exists!

Sorry I kept my distance for a while. I just needed to distance myself from talking about me (us really) and still need to keep away. BUT having told you about it did really help me a lot and I'm so grateful for your kindness and nice words.

So anyway I probably won't be posting here for a while because
a) it takes me a long time and can't seem to find a quiet time with no interruptions at the moment and
b) have been and still am wrapped up in other things and have to limit the time I spend on the computer otherwise won't get anything done
c) need to organise thoughts in my own mind first.

Why I really wanted to write this message: to tell you Lemonade and REB I'm thinking of you and constantly hoping things are improving (as I can see they're not really ) and to let you know I'm still here for you.

I also want to welcome lonelymumof3. I am sooo sorry to hear of what you're going through. Poor you. I can relate to some of the things you are experiencing and I feel for you. I have no real advice for you unfortunately but we're all here for you at least to listen. All the others's postings for you were useful I thought but if DH isn't responding to you at the moment all I can suggest is keep trying and hopefully he'll come around. I assume you're still in love with him that's why you're putting so much effort into it. Good luck!

Hi gettingthere! How's this man of yours doing? Any sign of him yet?! God, you seem to have so much on your hands with the kids and everything...I understand what you're saying that you feel strongly for this man but know it won't get too involved. It's good you're being realistic about the situation and if you are having a nice time together it's best to enjoy it as it is. Who knows what might happen?! But for sure you wouldn't be dissapointed because you know how things stand and that's good.

Lemonade hi! I always read your messages. Still no change there I see but you're still willing to get things in shape. Keep trying! We're behind you.

REB stop chatting up lonelymumof3! Joking aside, you were so optimistinc not that long ago and now it's downhill again. i think we've established dw doesn't view herself very favourably. As it's impossible for you to make her realise how wonderful she is, it needs to come from someone who she wouldn't think it's biased. I'm not suggesting you pay someone off the street to go up to her and tell her how great she is, but if you could create a situation (family gathering, meeting-up with friends etc) where she would shine (i.e cooking something nice, wearing something special, just being herself , whatever)and would naturally encourage positive remarks and compliments from other people who wouldn't normall say such things to her, it would boost her confidence. Would it be possible to get her involved in something she's particularly talented at or good at (i.e. some sort of voluntary work with kids if she likes spending time with children, or eldery if she likes looking after vunerable people or baking cakes for a local market or doing a flower display for the local church or some office, that sort of thing. it would only take her say 1h /week to do it but would put her in a position of receiving good response from strangers). Don't know how easy it would be but you might be able to come up with something suitable. Basically she needs to be admired by complete strangers to get some boost in her confidence and then she would hopefully reflect that on you in a positive way.

As for me, nothing has changed here. We live a very harmonious family life, get on very well, the perfect family but still no sex. For some strange reason it didn't bother me that much of lately and haven't been tempted by anything and i'm quite pleased with myself about that. I have actually decided that whatever happens I do not want to have any kind of closeness with any other man for obvious reasons and I'll stick to that for now. I'm OK for now at least

Must go now. Take care everyone!

lemonade · 15/07/2004 19:37

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody there?????????????????

Please reply or I'll have to go and do some housework! l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 19:44

hello lemonade - I'm here, though strictly speaking I'm doing housework too

lemonade · 15/07/2004 19:51

REB - right. So we're doing housework whilst sitting here in front of our computers, are we! Gosh, this housework is tough, isn't it?

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 19:55

rumbled.....

lemonade · 15/07/2004 19:59

REB - What, has your dw rumbled you? Or is it just me that's rumbled you?

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 20:02

You appear to have noticed that I'm not washing the floor

lemonade · 15/07/2004 20:02

Hee, hee. Methinks it's dw!

lemonade · 15/07/2004 20:04

Washing the floor! Mine hasn't seen a mop since..............ooh, aye, must be (as the saying goes.)

lemonade · 15/07/2004 20:09

I might be rubbish at cleaning, but I have started the Xmas shopping!!! K'nex is buy one get one free in Woolworths at the moment!

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 21:36

do you really think your DH wants Knex for Christmas?

lemonade · 15/07/2004 21:52

Nope. But I can think of some little lads in the family that might!