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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disappointed with your sex life part 2

185 replies

gettingthere · 05/07/2004 01:33

here you go folks. last thread was getting long. For those who are new, go back to Disappointed with your sex life.

OP posts:
lonelymumof3 · 12/07/2004 19:05

thank you lemonade....

how are you lot then?

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 11:16
Sad
reallyembarrassedbut · 13/07/2004 11:39

lm? I came in early hoping for good news...

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 12:15

well i told him that I was very miserable, wanted 'us' back and that we dont even laugh together anymore. He went out for a drive. By the time he got back, dinner was ruined and so was I.

lemonade · 13/07/2004 12:20

lmo3 - I'm really sorry to hear that. You did well to broach the subject. Sweeping it under the carpet is the easy (and completely ineffective and wrong) thing to do. Have you decided what to do next or do you feel at a loss to know what to do? l xx

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 12:31

i could easily curl up, go to sleep and not bother waking up again at the moment

lemonade · 13/07/2004 12:46

lmo3 - Has he said what he wants? Does he want to remain married or does he want to split up? If he hasn't said then I'd advise you to ask him and see what he says. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 12:55

he said that he still loves me. But that we will never be able to get 'us' back cos we have 3 kids and we cant expect to have anytime togehter

lemonade · 13/07/2004 13:07

lmo3 - That's a really good starting point - him saying that he loves you. He has to see that there is time for you together and that is the time that he currently spends exercising and fiddling with his car. Most of that time will be when the children are around also, but he needs to understand that that's how it is when you've small children. It won't be forever. He also needs to address his spending that you mentioned in a previous thread. Is the debt in his name? I don't know much about financial matters but I think you need to avoid it being in your name or in joint names. He needs to understand that you won't put up with his behaviour for much longer and that he needs to change - fast. Sorry if I sound harsh. I know that you need strong back-up, but don't want to sound like a bossy mare! l xx

lemonade · 13/07/2004 13:14

lmo3 - Also, he's wrong about not being able to get "us" back again. I knew a devoted couple who loved each other strongly and passionately throughout the 40+ years that they were married before the dh passed away. They had 2 children, he had a 12 hour day doing a physically demanding job and they weren't well off. They didn't have a car unless it was a work vehicle and he made lots of furniture and stuff himself to avoid spending. He used to keep a notebook with all spending written down and that's how they stayed out of debt. She worked as a childminder for it to fit in with looking after her own children. Holidays were spent in a caravan. They were so in love throughout their life together. It is possible. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 15:15

i suppose only time will tell

lemonade · 13/07/2004 16:10

lmo3 - I wish I could help. You sound so nice and you have a lovely little family. He's missing out on so much by thinking of himself all the time. Of course, the whole family is affected by his behaviour and he's making you so sad. What sort of childhood did he have? Is he influenced by this, do you think? You deserve for it to be as happy as it was before the children were born. Does he remember his wedding vows (love, honour, cherish, perhaps)? I feel so sorry that you're having to go through this. l xx

lemonade · 13/07/2004 16:11

lmo3 - P.S. l xx

Lonelymum · 13/07/2004 16:23

lmo3 - hello from another lonelymum! We should start a club! I haven't any great pearls of wisdom, but I read that you are not yet ready to leave your baby for a night out with dh. How old is your youngest? Depending on your answer, I was going to say either take a deep breath and find yourself a dependable babysitter if you think a night out will start the healing process between you and dh - the baby will be fine for a few hours, or, if the baby is very young, hang on in there. I have four children and found the time when they were little very hard with regards to keeping up a relationship with my dh. In fact my youngest is now 16 months and things are only just beginning to get better. If your dh loves you and you love him, you need to hang on to each other for dear life, as I am sure both you and he know.
Thinking of you.

lonelymumof3 · 13/07/2004 19:26

thank you all

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 02:08

lm - shall we go for that drink jut to make him jealous?

He sounds scared - i'm making excuses for him again I suppose, but it sounds like he's frightened of something, maybe he misses what you had too.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 10:51

gettingthere - Well done on joining the gym! I know that exercise is important for physical and mental well-being. I do very little due to my health problems, but I hope to do more during the hols with the children. Take care. Bye for now. l xx

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 11:24

lol REB...sweet of you.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 12:49

lonelymum - Hi! Welcome to this thread!

It is incredibly difficult to maintain a loving relationship when there are small children to care for, as we all know. Looking back, it's hard when you're a new Mum, especially when if you've just moved to a new area and don't have any family or friends around to support you. I think it is a shock to men to see how much their lives have turned upside down. They attend a few classes with us and read a few chapters of the pregnancy and birth books and that's their introduction to parenthood over! I had the "Oh, well, if you will insist on breast feeding, then you deserve all the tiredness and broken nights" attitude from some family members, too. That made me feel worse, as I felt I couldn't ask for help without giving up breast feeding first. Also, my first child fed every couple of hours and had a long feed each time and I was unable to express milk, so nights out were unheard of. On the plus side, both my children have (touch wood) avoided all the allergies/eczema/psoriasis problems that are in both the families!! Sorry, I think I'm rambling terribly! I'll sign off! l xx

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 12:52

lemonade, you dont ramble...you give good advice. How are you?

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 15:01

Hi all

Well, we're being nice to each other again, but when we're not it really hurts, I think because we aren't really close in any other way - I'm beginning to wonder if my friends who are telling me to get out of the relationsship while i'm still young (well, not old) are right, because sometimes I feel I would do anything, no matter what the consequences, for a bit of affection.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 15:21

REB - I'm sorry to hear that. I thought of doing the same a year or two back (thinking it would be now or never to have more children in a new relationship. I'm now older, so the answer is never). But, for me, the time to leave is when it's the only realistic option for future happiness for those concerned. Please don't do anything rash looking for affection elsewhere. If you'd be ashamed explaining it to your child at some point in the future then I'd say "Don't do it". I was tempted a few years ago, but realised that you can't mend a relationship by bringing a third party into it. I'm glad I realised that when it was just a stupid fantasy in my head and that I hadn't done anything about it. Take care, l xx

lemonade · 14/07/2004 15:23

Sorry. First line should be "I'm sorry that things are still tough for you." Sorry. Running a bit late for school run. l xx

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/07/2004 15:45

I wsn't thinking about a third party as such, just giving up, because it IS making her unhappy, I think, and it IS making me unhappy, I know.

lemonade · 14/07/2004 16:34

REB - I misunderstood you there. What did you mean by looking for affection no matter what the consequences? Sorry in advance if I'm asking a stupid question. l xx

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