Anyone's DH given up porn?

[FritzDonovan]

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.

Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

I'm done too.

It's a shame Nancy feels the need to pipe up on every porn related thread even though her comments are not even related to the op!!!

Basically what's the difference if he wanks off to porn or to the similar contexts in his head? Nothing.

Wow. Way to miss the point entirely

My partner and myself both watch porn without checking it's ethical (shock horror, we are going straight to hell, I guess).

Don't you feel just a tiny bit uneasy at the fact that you and your partner could potentially be getting off to video'd rape, coercion and abuse? Meh, I suppose that says more about you than those of us who don't advocate that sort of 'entertainment'.

Who says "bore off"

Adora you clearly do care, lighten up. Perhaps some porn will help you relieve your frustration at the world

DeleteOrDecay no I guess it doesn't phase me. The way the meat and child labour industries don't bother most people. I think different people prioritise different things and have different morals.

I used to be, not pro-porn exactly but pretty much fine with the idea that a partner might watch it. It doesn't do anything for me and I'm aware that ethically it's dodgy at best but I assumed most people watched it a bit and figured horses for courses, personal freedom, eastenders etc.

I'm married to a porn addict who lied about it for years and despite trying to stop, hasn't been able to. He's tried blockers and things, but they're easy to work around.

For me personally, I'm totally messsed up by the whole thing and am now in a sexless marriage because his sexual desires are based solely around porn and he can't change that.

Not saying this happens to everyone who watches it because it absolutely doesn't. But for some types of people (imo often people who struggle with intimacy anyway) this is a genuine problem. The people going 'oooh prudes ooooh controlling ooh it's fine'- lucky you. But it's quite insensitive to deny a problem exists just because you don't personally experience it. Imagine walking into a thread about alcoholism going 'I drink! you're all making it up!'.

The feverish denial of an issue is quite telling, in some cases, as well.

I echo the previous posters who raised many valid concerns about the use of pornography. I was very relaxed when it came to pornography until my experience in my previous relationship. My ex-partner was also addicted to it, and no amount of reasoning, internet blockers or discussions could change that. He would watch it for 4-5 hours an evening, every time I left the house, when our son was napping etc. He would continuously lie about his pornography use. He even went to the GP who said that this is an issue that they are seeing more and more frequently.

It caused us to have severe intimacy issues and we ended up in a sexless relationship because he no longer had a desire for real life sex. He also developed erectile dysfunction because of his porn use (he was 22 at the time). Eventually all of this led to the breakdown of our relationship and we split up earlier this year.

The point is pornography can have real and damaging effects on people. It should be treated with caution in my opinion. And thats not even mentioning all of the moral and ethical dilemmas that come with it. In future relationships I honestly don't know what stance I will have on it.

I think different people prioritise different things and have different morals.

So you're okay with potentially witnessing women being abused and raped as long as you and your partner get your orgasm, got it.

Delete, if you don't do anything that is ethically / morally wrong then judge away.

The men and women I watch appear to be consenting and it's not for me to assume otherwise. If the participants were definitely being raped I wouldn't watch it, but there is no evidence that they are.

You anti-porn brigade seem to think that everybody who watches porn is a total and absolute kinky porn addict who requires psychosexual counselling. It's ridiculous, most people who watch porn are not addicted to it and watch it sporadically, sometimes going for weeks/months without it. If your partner belongs to the addict category it is a different story.
And what is this with ethical porn?
I bet you don't check the label of your garments and investigate whether it was made in a sweatshop by a starving child somewhere in the third world because you don't give a shit! Is the tea or coffee you guzzle by the gallon on a daily basis always fair trade? No. Do you never take your kids to the zoo where animals are living in cages and behind a tiny fenced off area all their lives just so your bored kids can have entertainment for a couple of hours? I doubt it. Do you never drive a petrol/diesel vehicle that causes air pollution, rendering crowds of people asthmatic, allergic etc.? So get off your high horse and stop your lecturing about morals when you are clearly lacking it in other areas in your life.

People say they don't like the lying and sneaking, but what are they supposed to do if you don't like them watching it? They have to hide it. If DP didn't like me watching it then I'm going to do it when he's not around.

Woah Neon you're super sensitive about this huh

Woah kaputt instead of trying to set up a bogus psychological profile of me on Mumsnet in one short sentence, do you have anything else of interest to say?

i cant believe people think they can sit down and have a discussion about porn and they believe the men don't do it because of their morals - of course they are going to say they don't do it. ive yet to come across a man who doesn't like looking at naked ladies though...

Nope!

Yay, some down to earth people have arrived! Prepare to be made out as rape enthusiasts though.

My partner doesn't mind porn we discussed early on in the relationship. Well he said when he used it it would be pics of topless women posing rather than the porn hub etc.

I explained to him that I didn't even like this. He got it. ( some nay not care; each to their own but I do)
I have no evidence to say he has looked at this since he met me but then I have never looked at his phones etc to check.

Some days I do wonder if he would just do it anyway. He said not as I am a lovely person and he says I deserve better than someone lying. I mean this could all be a lie as it what I want to hear. I have no proof of that. I just have to trust him as I see it. If there is no trust why would I want to be with him?
If I am at the stage of blocking his phone ( can reason this if an addiction possibly) then there's no trust. So what is the point?

The way I see it I choose to trust him or I don't. Obsessing over what may or may not happen when I will never know would only end up driving me insane.

This thread has turned really weird

The op asked if anyones dp has given up porn. Me. Mine has. If you really enjoy porn then your partner watching it would not cause a problem for you, and you probably don't relate to the original question asked by the op. That's fine.

What I find really weird is the assumption that men have a right to satisfy their sexual urges in whichever way they see fit, and if the women around them don't like it that's their problem. There is an assumption that men can not reach the same conclusion regarding the effects of porn that so many of us have and simply ignore it. Oh no, if you ask them to stop they will be driven to furtive, secretive porn use and will lie about it. And that's fine, because every man has a right to watch porn: a man's right to jack off as he sees fit trumps his partners expectation that he will respect her wishes and not lie.

I'll say it again - assuming men lack the power of rational thought when sex is concerned does them, and us, a huge disservice.

I feel sorry for those of you in relationships with so little trust involved.

Tinkerbec Yes, I think the right attitude is to discuss this matter at the beginning of a relationship, so you both understand where the other one is coming from/is at. Mind you, some people can still lie about this.
If one partner is clearly so very bothered by porn and the other one is not willing to give it up and even lies about it then I can see no solution to the problem. OP is just running in circles because nobody can offer any advice she will like. She even disappeared, probably out of frustration.

Welshgirl, what about my right as a woman to Jack off however I want. Does my dh have the right to demand that I don't do a certain things because the idea of it offends him. Fuck that shit. If I, as a woman and feminist, want to watch porn I'm not having my dh tell me off or judge me or demand that I obey his wishes or else.

If this applies to me, as a woman, why doesn't it apply to men?

Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you get to control what another person watches.

My sister thinks her partner doesn't mastabate or watch porn..yet they only have sex about twice a year?
I think she's being unrealistic and naive.

Yes, I did disappear out of frustration. Will probably regret coming back because this thread turned into exactly the accusatory pro/anti porn thread I hoped it wouldn't. Because that's nor what my q was about. Very few ppl seem to have addressed this, instead try to make ppl who hold different opinions from themselves feel bad about that.
The matter was discussed as soon as it came up near the beginning of the relationship. We agreed on the viewing of porn. I have not said oh cannot give it up. I asked for experiences from ppl whose oh HAD given it up. So your answers neon don't actually pertain to my q, as I have said before. I'm running round in circles because ppl are just projecting their own agenda and telling me I'm controlling for not putting up with being lied to (again,
It's the lies more than the porn) instead of addressing the q I asked.
welshgirl and tinkerbec thanks for recognising this and actually answering the q sensibly

I bet you don't check the label of your garments and investigate whether it was made in a sweatshop by a starving child somewhere in the third world because you don't give a shit! Is the tea or coffee you guzzle by the gallon on a daily basis always fair trade? No. Do you never take your kids to the zoo where animals are living in cages and behind a tiny fenced off area all their lives just so your bored kids can have entertainment for a couple of hours? I doubt it. Do you never drive a petrol/diesel vehicle that causes air pollution, rendering crowds of people asthmatic, allergic etc.? So get off your high horse and stop your lecturing about morals when you are clearly lacking it in other areas in your life.

None of those things directly and indirectly contribute to the way women are still treated as a sex class and inferior to men. They haven't impacted my life as a woman in any way that is remotely comparable. But I don't expect you to be able to even imagine what this even means. Nor do I expect that discussing said topic with you is going to result in you becoming enlightened, which is why I won't be doing so.

Well said Klaphat, said it better than I ever could.

I'm sorry op I think I was one of the ones who didn't actually answer your question, but I will now. I hope you find it helpful.

I have never liked porn and my Dp has known this from the beginning. My reasons aside it had gotten to the point where he was using porn over engaging in our sexual relationship together (including watching porn when we had planned some 'us time' later that day which meant he was no longer in the mood when the time came) so something had to give otherwise I would have left and nearly have in the past. My self esteem and mental health has been left in tatters, but he has stopped and I now feel we are finally making progress although it took a long time to get to this point and for him to see the damage he was doing to our relationship, to me and also the damage that porn does to women (and men) in society.

We communicate a lot. He's not tech savvy in the slightest, so he asked me to enable the parental controls on our internet and restrictions on his phone so he wouldn't be tempted, I obliged although I will admit that it's been a weight off my mind knowing those sites are not as easily accessible as they once were and knowing there was no chance either of our dd's would accidentally stumble across a porn site.

It's been a few months now, and so far so good. He lets me look at his phone (and he can look at mine when ever he likes), and reassures me when I broach the subject with him. He's adamant he doesn't want to look at it anymore. Our relationship has improved ten fold, we are more open with each other and we communicate better.

I wish it hadn't taken years of lies and deceit to get to this point but he knows that if it happens again then the relationship is over because I can't live like I did before and I also don't want our girls growing up thinking porn is normal and that they have to live up to what happens in porn. Its important we present a united front on that subject when the time comes.

All the best op.

My only experience of a partner and porn was 26 years ago. I was 18 and dating a 24 year old man.

My first time in his room at a shared house ..............the walls were covered in topless women .............with big boobs and there were piles of porn mags (this was 1991) Im well endowed myself so that was obviously what he liked right?

So when he thought other men were looking at me (his lorry driver colleugues) he sat me down and asked me whether i would consider breast reduction surgery. And gave me a leaflet about it. i was bloody confused at the time.

Now as a woman in her forties i know what it was .........basically the Madonna/whore complex. I had forgotten all about this as it was so long ago.............until this week when he popped up on my fb as "people you may know"

He has not aged well.

Thanks delete, really needed to hear a positive experience today. Had yet another argument re his honesty regarding porn admissions today, something else he hadn't admitted but his default is now that he doesn't remember. If I say that I do (as it has obv been more important to me therefore I think I am more likely to be remembering accurately) his stock phrase is 'well, if that's how you remember it...' No admission I might be right until we have had a blazing row and I'm in tears. It is really sad, as I thought we were slowly getting over the last set of lies and evasion. I honestly think he is unable to own up to being in the wrong! I hope we can get through the years of lies and deceit as you have.
Helena That's really weird! Glad you made him an ex!