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Original poster

Anyone's DH given up porn?

181 replies

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 12:51

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.

Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 11:02

LTB if him having a wank is really so terrible.
Yet again, another who hasn't understood the issue.
key logging someone's computer is seriously controlling
I haven't done this.
silk yes, everyone is entitled to privacy, but I wouldn't say everyone is entitled to say one thing to their partner and then do the opposite. Seeing as you are supposed to be able to trust them, you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 11:06

I find it odd that people act as though porn is necessary, when it's really very new, in its current accessible format.
Thank you scruple, me too.

OP posts:
NeonGod73 · 14/04/2017 11:10

Fritz he made you a promise because that's what you wanted to hear. You made him promise something ha can't or doesn't want to live up to. No, of course you didn't put a gun against his head, but he just knew this was the promise you wanted to hear and he got along with that, so you would stop pestering him.

Essentially you treat him like a naughty child who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. You are dealing with a grown up here. Basically what's the difference if he wanks off to porn or to the similar contexts in his head? Nothing. With porn he gets the visual stimulation, but without porn he would be thinking up similar scenarios. What's next? You will police his thoughts, fantasies and the general context of his mind? You know that you are displaying incredibly controlling behaviour already, don't you? It is not about him being (un)trustworthy, it's about your self esteem and controlling behaviour. It's not your husband who needs the counselling. Just like Oly5 said, you have selective hearing and you only accept answers you want to hear.

5madthings · 14/04/2017 11:13

Just sent you a pm.

Teddy6767 · 14/04/2017 11:16

I guess there's no way to ever know for sure if your partners have stopped watching it as they could have a secret phone that they now use to watch it, or they might buy porn magazines and stash them somewhere that you'll never find. Or they might just use their imaginations to remember the porn scenes that they have watched in the past.
So I think all you can do is just trust them when they say they aren't watching it anymore and try and put it out of your minds for now. Don't torture yourselves by trying to spy on them or watching their every move as it will just push you apart and cause unnecessary stress.
Trust what they say and hope that they learnt from their mistakes and won't deceive you again! Or leave them! If they want to watch it then they'll find a way no matter what you say.
My DP watches it occasionally when he wants to have a really quick wank as he just loves breasts and likes to look at all different shapes and sizes of them sometimes to help him get off. He also sometimes wanks over pictures of me too. It doesn't bother me either way but I totally get why it would bother others so I'm not judging anyone. Porn is always going to be a topic on here that has so many different views and opinions.

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 11:22

Neon, I don't know who you think you are but please stop bashing and patronising the OP and any other woman that has enough self esteem in herself not to tolerate her partner having a porn habit; you just don't get it do you?

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 11:25

Basically what's the difference if he wanks off to porn or to the similar contexts in his head? Nothing

Completely different, and if only men could use their brain and imagination instead of accessing dodgy porn sites with even more dodgier content and escort pop ups every 2 seconds; never mind the fact that children could also be sharing these devices.

Fuck all wrong with good old fashioned imagination.

5madthings · 14/04/2017 11:30

Omg can people really not see the difference between using your imagination versus watching porn..

No one is saying they can't masturbate. You don't need porn to masturbate and its not controlling to say you won't tolerate porn in your home/life. Especially when you have said it's not acceptable from the outset and then they hwve been the ones to lie. They should have been honest and left if they weren't willing to stop. So they lie and stay under false pretences but the op is the one being controlling... Don't think so.

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 11:31

Why are porn activists down grading how the OP is feeling?

To say: "if you don't like him having a wank then leave him" knowing full well it's not about him masturbating, it's about his porn addiction, two very different things.

OP, I feel sorry for you having all these goady bastards trying to change your moral stance, you stick with your gut, if something feels wrong to you then it probably is.

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 11:33

Agreed 5mad, never have I seen so many goaders trying to change a person's beliefs; they just cant accept that women and MEN don't all use porn.

Teddy6767 · 14/04/2017 11:37

Your partners do watch porn though as you have caught them!
So you either trust that they won't do it again or leave them. Doing things like content locks on their phones etc is ridiculous! How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't believe can learn from their mistakes? If they're telling you they aren't doing it anymore and they just made a mistake by watching it in the past then that should be enough for you. Having to monitor my partner's every move would be soul destroying!

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 11:44

Adora, I am a woman and I use porn. I prefer to watch people having sex on screen that using my imagination.

Women use porn too.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 12:05

If they're telling you they aren't doing it anymore and they just made a mistake by watching it in the past then that should be enough for you.
How can it be enough when they have lied to your face before? Sorry, but if you love your partner enough to try and rebuild the relationship, you need more than their (proven to be dishonest) word. I am willing to accept mistakes and forgive, but not if they continue to happen. That's just taking the piss. DH is fine with me knowing what he's looking at on the computer now, I think he sees it as an extra 'crutch' in resisting the pull of porn iyswim. Words are just air, actions count, and this proves definitively whether the words/actions are being upheld.
Thanks adora and 5. Thread goes off track so quickly once the porn brigade leaps onboard!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 14/04/2017 12:06

Good for you phoney, I have no problem with what a couple do behind closed doors; hang from the chandeliers if you like, I don't care.

My issue is porn users insisting that us women need to accept a man's porn habit, no we don't actually!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 12:08

Just like Oly5 said, you have selective hearing and you only accept answers you want to hear.
But neon, you actually haven't given me answers pertaining to the original q - its all about your love of porn and how ppl who disagree with you are controlling!

OP posts:
Scrumplestiltskin · 14/04/2017 12:08

"Adora, I am a woman and I use porn."

Does it bother you that you may be orgasming to another woman's rape?
(Evidently not. Good for you. But the PP was quite clear in saying not all women and men watch porn, not that no women do.)

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 12:11

Us women? I am a woman and I watch porn by myself. My dh and any man I was with would need to accept my porn use, the same as if I wanted to watch eastenders or Masterchef or whatever. My eyes, my choice what I look at.

I am not having a man control what I can look at. Why just because you're a woman do you get to dictate what another adult human watches in their own time.

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 12:14

Eastenders equates to a porn habit.

Nope, still not getting it.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 12:28

What's not to get. My body. My choice. If I choose to watch porn or homes under the hammer or eastenders or some random YouTube video that is my right and my freedom. My dh cannot and would not tell me what I can and cannot watch.

The fact that because it's a woman telling a man what he can and cannot watch makes no difference. His body. His choice.

Scrumplestiltskin · 14/04/2017 12:29

"Why just because you're a woman do you get to dictate what another adult human watches in their own time."

Well, maybe someone's SO might respect that their partner has ethical issues with the content and finds it unpleasant or distressing that their SO watches it, and thus will stop of their own accord, (because porn is not as important to them, as respecting their partner's valid opinion.)

Honestly, it's sad that some people apparently need to watch potential rape in order to get sexual satisfaction. It seems very dysfunctional, tbh, to need to watch porn to get enjoyment, and to place that over your real live sex partner's valid reasoning. I think society has just so groomed men (and some women,) into it, that it becomes a compulsion.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 12:33

His body. His choice.
Yes, still is. He's welcome to continue, but not in this relationship. As it was discussed and jointly agreed that porn (as he used it before) has no place in the relationship. As he has chosen to stay in the relationship I should be able to assume he agrees with what he said before, as he hasn't said anything to the contrary

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 12:37

Not all porn is unethical. There are plenty of places to access ethical porn where people aren't being raped.

Is that allowed or must all recording of people having sex be considered immoral, no matter what?

MuffinsPyjamas · 14/04/2017 12:38

Hi, I've NC for this, I'm a married bloke who sometimes looks at porn pictures (but not video anymore), wife doesn't mind (or at least she has said so a few times when I've been mortified when she's come home earlier than expected and walked into the bathroom) so long as:
a) its discreet - she doesn't want to know and doesn't want dc or any family/freinds knowing either,
b) it doesn't effect our relationship or sex life (as far as I'm aware my current behaviour doesn't),
c)I keep up with my share of housework and other commitments.
d) I'm not watching anything illegal or obviously unethical
All of those points, I completely agree on. - I wouldn't want people knowing (except DW if she wanted to know), I value my relationship and my wife, don't want anyone to feel I'm lazy or a messy house, and I don't want to feel disgusted by myself. She didn't mind me watching video but I find cutting that out makes it easier to avoid unethical things or things that will put fantasies in my head that may effect sex life. - This is because in videos you don't know everything it will contain until you watch it - the title, thumbnail picture, and first few seconds don't always tell you what the video contains and there is no ratings system like you get with movies or videogames (where they say contains violence, or scenes of a graphic nature or whatever). Theres no messages that pop up at the start saying "warning: the lady in the video can be seen crying in pain part way through this video" or "warning: one of the ladies in this video part way through doesn't exactly look like an 18 year old yet".

I've set up the parental controls to block me from ever going to various porn video websites to make it require more effort to get to them, in the hope that before I turn the controls back off I'll remember why I don't go to porn video sites - so far this trick has worked, I've not looked at videos for at least 3 months

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 12:40

Well done Frizt, you stick to your guns; don't let any porn user tell you otherwise.

Phoney, you watch as much porn as you like, nobody is saying you can't but please don't tell me what I should accept in my LTR; I know better than you honestly and a partner with a porn habit is not good enough for me, my standards just won't allow for it, sorry if you don't get that but tough, I won't change my views on it just to appease a man that NEEDS to wank to porn, utter shite.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 12:40

Fritz, how would you feel if your dh dictated that you cannot watch something you like. Would you unquestionably agree just because he doesn't like it?