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Original poster

Anyone's DH given up porn?

181 replies

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 12:51

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.

Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 07:36

Hi millie, sorry this sordid crap is making you paranoid too! It's horrible not being able to trust what your OH tells you. I know someone is going to say this is super controlling (but I completely understand that you can't just take his word when trust has been broken), do you mind me asking what you do to restrict access on the phone? PM me if you like. In my more paranoid moments I've thought about putting the kid's parental control on there, but this can be turned off, and there's incognito on there anyway. So I'm back to taking his word for everything Hmm.
Also agree about the porn lover's comments - why bother?! Just shows a lack of conscience and respect if someone can't understand how the porn lies could cause a problem...

OP posts:
Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 07:44

I'm on my phone so can't see how to pm you. How do I do it?

It's really sad but it is parental control! Yes I know I'll get flamed for treating him like a child but until I can be sure he can stop telling lies - then that's what's happening unfortunately.
It doesn't make me feel good, in fact I feel like the lowest of the low every day knowing I can't even trust my own dh to check his phone but that's the way it is and he understands that.

I know you can reset the phone to take off the restrictions but I'll know as the pin will change.

I didn't want to EVER be in a position like this, I honestly thought I could trust my dh with my whole life, I thought he was an honest trustworthy decent person who shared my views. Its the worst feeling in the world knowing you've been lied to and misled for god knows how long.
It's made me ill and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. It makes me very sad about our future.
Everyday is torture.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 07:52

@TeamRick, I don't think it's appropriate to share porn links on mumsnet. However there are plenty of porn sites that demonstrate consent.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 07:55

If my dh controlled what I can and cannot watch, be that porn or anything, and wanted to put child locks on my phone or monitor my activity I'd pack his bags.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 07:59

Phoneywar blah blah blah as I said - people like you don't get it.
It's about being TRUTHFUL, HONEST & DECENT.

Don't tell lies - it's really fucking simple!

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 08:20

Mine gave it up after several years of lies, we almost broke up over the deceit. I posted here under another username about it a couple of years ago. Had counselling (separately). At the start of our relationship I had no issue with him watching it. I only got upset when I realised the extent of the lying that went to cover it up. And it replaced our sex life eventually because it was a vicious cycle where I couldn't relax about sex, as I feared him using it if we didn't have enough (but he never initiated sex). Even back when I had no issue - because he was ashamed, and addicted - he lied/covered it up. Since then we have both become very anti porn because of the degradation of women in it (this is why he was ashamed - he felt it contradicted the way he led his "real" life) and the lying almost destroyed our relationship. He is like a different person now since giving it up - much less angry, not defensive, more generous and we have amazing trust. I worried I would never trust him again but because I watched him go through this process I am comfortable he doesn't want to go back. He was miserable. Now we are closer than ever.

I recommend "fight the new drug" and "culture reframed" websites to learn more about men who've given it up and some of the harms.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 08:20

Or its about being controlling, manipulative and disrespectful on your part.

What do you want your partner to say. Do you want to an update every time they get off?

You have drawn this line in the sand. Why not follow through with it and end the relationship if it means so much to you?

You literally cannot control what your partner watches in their own time without resorting to controlling behaviour.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 08:22

Millie sorry - I've been there. You can set a restrictions passcode on iPhone that turns off private browsing. But he will have to be on board with you doing it. There is also a way to turn it off on google chrome (you can look it up online) but not safari on Mac I don't think.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 08:24

FWIW - I don't monitor anything he does now. I'm able to relax because there is trust. The issue is not just porn for its own sake , but more the lying that breaks trust. That's why it's not "being controlling".

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 08:25

If you disagree on your fundamental stance on porn in a relationship you probably aren't compatible. The problem I had was not that we disagreed but that he was lying and keeping secrets that directly affected me.

MissJSays · 14/04/2017 08:30

My DP used to watch it and to be honest it didn't really bother me too much. One day though we were both looking at a picture on his phone when he clicked off the picture while we were still looking at the screen and proceeded to double tap to close all the apps that were open in the background. The first one that appeared was a porn site and I just saw this naked woman on his phone and I've never felt anger rise inside me like that before. I felt really weird and didn't know how to feel, just the thought of him looking at another girl naked and enjoying it felt all kinds of wrong to me. I told him I didn't like that one bit, he initially argued with me and walked out of the room for about 20 seconds and then came back in and was completely different and understanding. He said he'd not seen it from my perspective and volunteered to stop watching it. That was about 8 months ago and as far as I know he still doesn't watch it, our sex life is so much better for it.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 08:38

It's more more Controlling getting he to marry him under false pretences than me controlling him to keep his promises!
Ffs!!

He has no internet access on his phone, I've blocked safari & google so don't think he can get past that?
He says he doesn't want to either so I'm hoping he can keep at least one promise!

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 08:48

Putting parental controls on your husband's phone is pathetic. Don't infantilise him if you don't trust him, leave him! Also, there are numerous ways to override parental restrictions anyway.

If you aren't happy and your partner isn't happy then split up. The porn is irrelevant, the underlying matter is you don't trust him and your relationship has become unhealthy / controlling and in my opinion abusive (if you start tracking what he does online) as a result.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 09:03

Nancy - you bore me. I can't even read your posts anymore. You made your feelings clear on my thread before.
We are not the same people so your opinions mean nothing to me.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 09:03

JFC.. ignore these people saying you are abusive Millie. It's just as "abusive" to enter a relationship/marriage under false pretences and lie to maintain it. Yes by all means if you don't agree on if it is ok or not, then you should split up. But has many people's experiences show, it often isn't that simple. Men can continue because it's addictive, or because they don't truly respect their partners feelings on the matter, or they think it's not a big deal. I'd leave in the second two cases. It's totally fine for it to be a deal breaker. If he's agreed to stop and he doesn't, it must be a much bigger problem.

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 09:05

I don't get why you won't just leave him millie, your resolve is clearly not that strong.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 14/04/2017 09:06

Porn is not irrelevant- it's the cause of the lies and the breakdown of trust which is the DH fault NOT anyone else's. Biscuit

Millie - feel free to PM me if you need support.

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 09:10

That's what I'm getting at, the porn doesn't matter the broken trust does. So why stay with someone you don't trust when you will both be unhappy?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 09:11

Thanks for your comments Nancy, which are totally unrelated to the question I asked.
the underlying matter is you don't trust him or is the underlying matter that he proved himself to be untrustworthy, as this happened first? Hmm
millie if you want to Pm someone click the three dots at the bottom right of their post. This gives you a few options, PM is on the left. And I totally get what you are saying. Obviously some people are lucky enough to never have been lied to about something they feel is important... Good post grumpy.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 09:18

Ok to answer your original question:

No.

To answer your previous post:

No matter the reason, you can't trust him. You are either strong enough to leave him or weak enough to stay with him (and act like you're his PARENT) and be miserable.

Scrumplestiltskin · 14/04/2017 09:21

The porn lovers in here don't seem to understand that some people genuinely aren't aroused by the idea of getting off to something that could potentially be rape. Because even if the prostitutes (because let's be real, that's what they are,) say "we consent," you have no clue if they mean that or not. And with actual amateur porn, you don't know if the people consented to have it up online or not.
My DH used to watch porn once every few weeks or so, a decade ago. But we both slowly became more informed on the ethical issues with porn, and he found it harder and harder to find porn that was 'vanilla', (vanilla porn (Ie. porn that doesn't deliberately degrade women,) has become essentially impossible to find these days unless it's incest porn Confused .)
So some years ago his watching dwindled down to monthly, and then to once in a blue moon. And the other day he told me when I mentioned something that put him on the train of thought - "you know, I haven't watched porn since before Christmas last year. I've gone and looked at [the sites he used to frequent] once or twice, but it all just looks...gross. I can't enjoy it anymore, now I know what [the industry's] actually like. Sometimes I wish I could because it used to be fun occasionally, but it just doesn't do it for me anymore."
So all those people who think all men need to watch porn, and everyone must love it: stop projecting. Just because you or your husband can't do without, doesn't mean everyone bloody well can't. And not everyone likes it, either.
It basically comes down to not wanting to wank over potential rape.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 09:23

Thanks grumpy I will do.

The reason we are still together 5 weeks on is because he threatened suicide if I leave. I even tried leaving again on Wednesday but he rushed home to stop me threatening suicide again!

Now who's controlling!

To the porn advocates - surely your time is better spent practising what you preach rather than spouting crap you know nothing about! (Morals/decency etc etc)

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 09:27

Millie you can't stay with him because he is threatening suicide. If you genuinely think he is on the edge of that you need to get him professional help / sectioned.

Don't stay in that situation, it sounds so fucked up!

Oly5 · 14/04/2017 09:31

Oh Millie, I think your stance is ridiculous and I fear you're setting yourself up for total misery. I think your DP will find a way to watch porn if he wants to. And you are obviously crazily offended that some women think that's ok.
Don't post on a public forum if you don't want to hear opposing views. Just surround yourself with friends who back your point of view.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 09:35

Oly you have no idea!
I am not crazily offended that some people like porn at all!!! Where did I say that!?
I don't give a shit who watches porn so long as it's not the person I married that swore to me he didn't like it!!!
For god sakes!!!!!! You people are pathetic!