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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone's DH given up porn?

181 replies

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 12:51

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.

Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

OP posts:
Oly5 · 14/04/2017 09:37

but he obviously does like it? And he's willing to lie to you about it.
Rather than trying to change what he likes, maybe you should look elsewhere for a partner who is more in tune with you.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 09:39

Bravo for the most obvious statement ever!!!

MysweetAudrina · 14/04/2017 09:44

I know quite a few young men that are addicted to porn. They are good looking, educated men but they compulsively watch porn and I pity any girls they end up in a relationship with. Porn is addictive it is compulsive and the anticipation, searching etc gives the user a big dopamine release. Some of the guys I have talked to about it are members of nofap a reddit subpage where they try to give up porn. I have used porn on my own and with my dh. He doesn't really like it and doesn't use it alone. I have suggested it on occasion when I am too tired to get my head into the sex space but I want sex. It's easy and requires less effort. My dh would be like a pp and comment negatively on the technical and other obvious flaws in a scene. All men don't like it watch porn what a ridiculous thing to say. Watching other people having sex is not a human need. It's a habit and often a destructive one for both the individual watching it and those around him.

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 09:49

Millie, porn / trust debate aside, he needs professional help if he's genuinely suicidal. I think you need to seek professional help for him and leave. You aren't helping anyone by staying and you're just showing him that threatening suicide is an effective way to get what he wants.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 09:51

Yes I know he needs help. We both do.
There is another reason why I haven't yet left and that's because I still love him.
Sad but heartbreakingly true.

NeonGod73 · 14/04/2017 10:15

I think the only solution would be to sit down with your husband and analyse the shit out of what exactly it is he gets out of watching porn that he doesn't get out of you and real life sex. Is it the look of the women in the film? Is it the way the participants act in it? Is it that wanking is just easier than making a physical effort with a real woman? Is it that he gets a different physical sensation if he does it himself than he gets it from being with you? etc... Don't accept him just saying I just love porn because it's exciting. Push further until he tells what it is exactly so exciting he doesn't get from you.
Think of all the questions you can come up with and ask him to answer you honestly. It doesn't mean though he will be honest with you, because from your previous posts we all know now he is not an exactly trustworthy person....Nonetheless, it is worth a try. Then you decide what to do with his answer. But whatever the answer is, you are not going to like it.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 10:20

Well I don't know about fritz and what her dh excuses are but from me, I have sat down with my dh every single day and talked about it. Analyzed the hell out of it, begged him to be honest etc etc.
All I get is that he didn't know what he was doing, he had never done it before, he will never do it again, he feels disgusted & guilty and has made a huge mistake and wishes he never did it.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 10:22

I don't agree with the over analysing of his porn use. How would you deconstruct and answer that question about watching eastenders or Masterchef or game of thrones. People are allowed to like and watch stuff just because they like it and want to without being put on trial.

I like and watch porn, if my husband sat me down and asked my to justify why I like it and that I have to have a good reason and gain his approval I'd tell him to F off.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 10:25

Millie, he is BSing you. He is trying to answer in a way that he thinks you will accept. The truth is he probably just likes watching a bit of sex and having a wank.

NeonGod73 · 14/04/2017 10:27

Milliemillie and did you get an answer out of him? No, because you didn't press! What kind of answer is I feel disgusted, I feel ashamed, I don't know why I am doing it, I'll never do it again...blablabla. This is an answer from a naughty 8 year-old.
Ask him the specific questions I listed above (or the ones you come up with) and if he still doesn't give you a straight answer, he never will, and you'll know you are dealing with a liar. That's it. End your suffering because it keeps rolling on like a soap opera. I mean 10 years....pf.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 10:27

Phoney sorry I didn't realize you know him personally because obviously you wouldn't just generalize and put every fucking human in the same box would you! Confused

NeonGod73 · 14/04/2017 10:31

I know, phoneywar, but we are trying to put OP out of her misery coz she can't understand for her life that some people will watch porn no matter what.
We still don't know if they have regular sex for instance. And the quality of it. (I assume they probably have had some during the past 10 years??)

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 10:31

Neon I have asked specific questions, it's been non stop for 5 weeks.
He said he doesn't like it, was intrigued for a second as he was horny. Made a mistake, won't do it again.
In a way I'd like him to admit he's done it before but says he never has - not even when he was single, not even when he was with other partners.
Says he lost his virginity at 19 and didn't even masterbate before that - why would he lie about that because god knows I find that odd, I was sexually aware from around 12!! Yet he was a late developer. Trust me I've asked every question I can possibly think of and I actually know more about him now than I ever did. Assuming he's telling the truth that us!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 10:33

neon I understand where you are coming from with the advice about asking why he uses porn. But that isn't really going to help. He's not being stopped from wanking, none of the stuff he's looked at (to my knowledge) is stuff I haven't /wouldn't do. The only reason I am aware of (not that he'd admit to anything he'd be truly embarrassed about, and that's part of the problem) is for variety. So how is that going to help? Am I supposed to enjoy the fact he wants sexual experience with a variety of other women? I understand looking at the same body for years may get boring, but I'm not going to encourage him to indulge in his Asian fantasies, for example. And if you suggest I wear a wig and kimono you've lost any credibility you had with your last post.
Anyhow, my thread related to how ppls perception, acceptance and usage of porn changed. Thanks to those who shared their experiences of this. Very few instances of dh's perceptions changing, but at least I know it does happen. (sorry can't scroll back on phone for names)
Nancy and oly back off please. Your comments do not relate to the thread q and are not helpful as you do not appear to understand the situation correctly. At this point, your comments are reading as hectoring a poster who needs support, not berating. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 10:35

we are trying to put OP out of her misery coz she can't understand for her life that some people will watch porn no matter what.
Well apparently they all don't. Hopefully I've got someone who has seen how destructive his lies can be to our relationship and is willing to change. Our sex life is fine, thanks Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 10:38

Although I probably don't live up to porn star standards, what with being a middle aged, pretty tired mother of two Hmm. Guess I should try harder, eh. Watch more of it myself so I can keep things exciting. Are you trying to be a goady twat neon or does it just come naturally? Grin

OP posts:
Oly5 · 14/04/2017 10:43

Fritz, I'm not hectoring the OP. I'm saying her dp clearly likes porn and is willing to lie about using it and lie about WHY he uses it. Surely thats obvious. I doubt very much he's disgusted with himself. He probably just thinks he's like all his mates/work colleagues but doesn't want to lose the OP and so will tell her what she wants to hear

Oly5 · 14/04/2017 10:46

I'll leave you to it OP and won't read anymore of this thread. You obviously only want to hear certain things! Best of luck

NeonGod73 · 14/04/2017 10:47

Fritz look! It's been going on with you two over 10 years. It doesn't seem like he is going to change. I think he has a higher sex drive than you do, and porn helps him get relief. Otherwise you say your sex life is fine. So...problem being? Ah I remember....your self esteem.
(goady twat? I can be sometimes)

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 10:48

OK oly, but you're obviously not paying enough attention to the subtleties of the situation, because I'm the OP and millie replied to me with her experience of similar. Hmm

OP posts:
silkpyjamasallday · 14/04/2017 10:51

The flaw here is that your DPs' 'lies and secrecy' are causing the issues in the relationship, but everyone is entitled to privacy, especially when it comes to masturbation habits. By tracking your partners internet usage or restricting it you are being controlling and there is no way to argue that away. I mean key logging someone's computer is seriously controlling and I wouldn't stand for that shit. If it were a man tracking what his wife did online there would be outrage and called out for the abusive behaviour it is.

All you do by banning porn from someone who likes using it is make it all the more appealing because of its forbidden nature. And then taking the opportunity to use it will mean that he lies if confronted because they will have watched in a way you can't find out. It would be best if people could just not get over involved in how their partner wants to masturbate, it's private keep it that way.

The nature of porn is problematic, I know that, but I don't think in an individual level it is going to change how your husband views you and if it isn't affecting your sex life together it is a non issue. And you are not tackling the wider issue by banning it from your home, simply driving its use underground. Much of the media I consume and is aimed at women is actually just as damaging in terms of objectification and adherent to gender stereotypes as porn, this objectification and sexualisation of women has been going since the dawn of the patriarchy, simply challenging and banning porn is doing nothing other than causing problems in your relationship because you are being controlling.

I do think that actually it sounds like the majority of your issues come from a place of poor self esteem rather than a feminist agenda. If so LTB if him having a wank is really so terrible.

Nancy91 · 14/04/2017 10:52

I agree with Oly. I don't think our opinions should be immediately discounted just because they aren't the same as yours fritz.

Millie, have you got anywhere you can go for a break? Tell your husband that you are still together so he doesn't need to threaten suicide, but you need some space to clear your head and get over what has happened. Have you looked at couples counselling?

However if you do agree to carry on with your relationship you'll need to put all your trust in him again and you won't be able to lord it over him or bring it up all the time and that is a really difficult thing to do.

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 10:52

And if you suggest I wear a wig and kimono you've lost any credibility you had with your last post.

It won't be long before someone comes along to suggest this!! Grin

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 10:56

neon, no, he made a unilateral decision 10 years ago not to use it, after a joint discussion. I then found out 10 years down the line he had just carried on and hid it. It's gone past a 'porn' issue to an 'honesty' issue. At any point over the 10 years he could have said he had fallen off the wagon, so to speak, or suggested some mutual activity (which I have expressed an interest in) but he didn't. So 10 years of lies. Which is disrespectful in anyone's book.
He hasn't got a higher sex drive. Tmi, but he's physically maxed out each week wrt performance (not young any more) atm, iyswim, so that's not an issue.

OP posts:
Scrumplestiltskin · 14/04/2017 11:02

Neon
My DH and my sex drives tend to fluctuate and aren't always in sync (or sometimes we're tired, or the DC are climbing in bed,) so we do "get relief" solo when sex just isn't happening.
Neither of us need porn to wank our way to a very satisfactory orgasm. I never liked it. DH stopped enjoying it after finding out how horrid the industry is (I never told him to stop though.)
I find it odd that people act as though porn is necessary, when it's really very new, in its current accessible format.
And I think that people whose DHs' watch (or who watch themselves,) porn that contains acts and attitudes that wouldn't be out of place in Abu Ghraib, (which tbh is most porn these days,) need to think very carefully about the level of hatred and degradation of women that has been sexualised.