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Original poster

Anyone's DH given up porn?

181 replies

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 12:51

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.

Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 13/04/2017 16:11

He won't really stop watching porn, he will just hid it from you.

But to be honest I think you have no right to demand that he doesn't watch it. How would you like it if he controlled your masturbation habits?

Also what else are you going to control? Is he allowed to watch other programmes that have explicit sex scenes?

To me this is just a way for one person to control the other person.

NeonGod73 · 13/04/2017 16:17

I am sorry to break the bad news but just because a man is married or attached in any way, he is still his own person and entitled to watch porn if he wants to. It doesn't sound like he is addicted to porn though, but it bothers you so much that it sounds like that. Even if he promises not to watch porn again, he will do it alone sneakily. What are you gonna do about it? You can't police what a grown up does when he is all alone.
I know it's not the answer you were looking for but there it is. Just like hellsbellsmelons said, if it doesn't affect your relationship and sex life with him, just leave it.

TeamRick · 13/04/2017 18:14

This might come as a shock to you Neon but some men don't actually like watching woman being abused & treated like a piece of meat never mind get turned on by it!

NeonGod73 · 13/04/2017 19:00

TeamRick. Just remind me, where did I say all men generally like watching women being abused and treated like a piece of meat? Please copy and paste it here, coz I am finding it nowhere.

Thephoneywar · 13/04/2017 19:14

The porn I watch doesn't have people being abused or used like pieces of meat. The porn I watch has consenting, happy people having sex.

welshgirlwannabe · 13/04/2017 19:17

Neon, why do you believe that any man who promises not to watch porn is a liar and a sneak who will carry on regardless? What do you think it is about porn that makes men helpless to respect their loved ones feelings? Or do you just think that all men are sneaky liars? Because they're not.

My partner is an adult rational person perfectly capable of thinking through an issue, deciding to alter some aspect of his behaviour and sticking to that decision. It's not even a big deal - it cause him no hardship. Do you not think most men could be capable of the same if they wanted to?

MyLittleBoyBlue · 13/04/2017 19:21

My dh used to have 3 blank dvds, I knew what they were. I told him when we moved I didn't want them in my new home. Never seen them again, or anything similar. He doesn't watch porn here at all, not when I'm in anyway (which is always).
It came up in conversation that he was watching porn on his iPod when in hotels working. So I didn't win the war, but I've won the battle over my home. I'd like him not to watch it at all, he knows that, but that's up to him, not me. I can't force him to adhere to my wishes.
He doesn't hide it, doesn't do it here and he knows I don't like it but wouldn't try to stop him. I think that's all I can do.

Nancy91 · 13/04/2017 19:25

If my partner asked me to stop watching porn I would agree.

Then I'd watch it when he's out of the house.

If he threatened to leave me over it I would let him go as I'd think he was manipulative and controlling.

misssadface · 13/04/2017 19:38

My husband is one of those sneaks. Honestly one of the greatest guys. Been lying and sneaking for years. It's the breaking of my trust that's killed me. I'm against porn for a myriad of reasons, feminist and personal and chose my husband as I thought we shared those values. I'm devastated. I'm now sure almost all men do it and just hide it well.

misssadface · 13/04/2017 19:41

Welsh girl you sound like me... last week. Honestly this is the smack in the face I never thought I'd have. I genuinely would have argued not all men use porn and cited my husband as the saint. God I could weep...

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 00:10

Is he allowed to watch other programmes that have explicit sex scenes?
And you still don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 00:15

if it doesn't affect your relationship and sex life with him, just leave it.
Actually, the sneaking and lying does affect my relationship and sex life.
Given the chance to openly watch it together isn't apparently of interest, it must be the sneaking and lying aspect which makes it more exciting.

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 00:19

and chose my husband as I thought we shared those values
Exactly misssadface. It's rather sad and disappointing to realise your values are so different, feel a bit misled.

OP posts:
Pebbles1989 · 14/04/2017 00:36

DP claims to have quit in the New Year and not watched it since. I don't know if I believe him as he still shows no interest in sex.

DeleteOrDecay · 14/04/2017 00:45

I feel less confident in a society that objectifies women and time after time uses the male gaze to set sexual norms. Well fuck that. Not in my house. No way am I going be be complicit in women being reduced to a set of holes

Exactly.

harm in watching a bit of porn every now and then. I do that and I am fine. I am a grown up and I know what's real in it and what's bollox. Maybe you should watch it too sometimes. No offence?

That's an odd suggestionConfused

hellopeoplehowareyou · 14/04/2017 00:57

My partner went through a phase of watching too much porn. I had to put a keylogger on the computer and embarrass him with the results. He's 29 now and we've been together for 15 years, of course I can't say for sure whether he watches it when I'm out, but I haven't found any evidence and his sexual desire has increased in the last couple of years since I asked him not to.
My guess is my partner has just grown up..he says he admits he had a problem, prefers it now he isn't obsessed and our relationship has improved.

I agree with another poster that the easiest way to solve the issue is to change your mindset about it. I agree that excessive porn watching is harmful to a relationship, but realistically as it's so easy to access, if your partners hone alone and gets the urge, I don't think they're going to turn it down.
It's only truly wrong if it effects your sex life and relationship and when porn comes before having sex with your partner.
I think ideally it should only be used as a last resort when your home alone or at least watched together.

TeamRick · 14/04/2017 01:40

Neon, Nancy I can't be flipping bothered! If you think that the mainstream porn you watch is not exploitation of women who may be addicted to drugs, poor, people trafficked then crack on! I absolutely despair!

TeamRick · 14/04/2017 01:42

Oh and the phoney how do do you know that?

TeamRick · 14/04/2017 01:50

Obviously I can be bothered!
So if all these people have the right to watch porn I have the right to say I don't want to be with someone that does, that's not control that's just a line in the sand!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 02:26

So if all these people have the right to watch porn I have the right to say I don't want to be with someone that does, that's not control that's just a line in the sand!
Agree completely! Problem comes when you get together and are unaware of the habit, I think. If ppl actually think it's okay they should be upfront about watching, and the situation wouldn't arise. Of course, if they don't mention it, they must think it's 'wrong' or inappropriate on some level -in which case, why do it?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 02:34

but realistically as it's so easy to access, if your partners hone alone and gets the urge, I don't think they're going to turn it down.
And there we have the problem with respecting your partner's views. Just because it's easily accessible doesn't mean it's ok. Drugs are easily accessible in some places, doesn't mean that's ok. In theory someone should have enough self control not to do something just because they feel like it and have easy access. So it all comes down to that individual and how much effort they put into keeping their word. Bit sad that the vast majority of pp so far lean towards Oh just viewing it in secret or away from home (so they feel justified to tell you one thing and do another as long as you don't know about it?). Scary ramifications for future honesty and trust in the relationship?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2017 03:03

Do you take issue with him gratifying himself? If so, why?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 14/04/2017 07:00

No I don't, aqua.

OP posts:
Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 07:25

Fritz I remember you from my post on a similar topic a few weeks back.
I'm in exactly the same place as you right now.

I found my dh watching porn even when he had told me he hated things like that. I was shocked & very hurt.

Since then he's been apologetic very single day. I've wanted to leave but he's talked me into staying so I've agreed to give it another go even though I'm living in hell.

He has another iPhone (after breaking the last) and there are now restrictions on the phone so he can't access porn. This is the way he's proving to me that he won't look again - says he doesn't want to either.
Trouble is even though I know he 'cant' access porn, it hasn't stopped me being a paranoid crazy person constantly overthinking every last thing.
It's soul destroying.

FWIW I don't understand why those porn lover posters come on here to spout their 'I love porn' quotes when this thread is NOT about that! For gods sake - yes we know you wank to porn and love it blah blah blah... however some of us don't!!! They are the manipulative posters on here, not us wanting our DHs to be fucking honest!

Milliemillie · 14/04/2017 07:29

Missadface that's my story too - my dh said he shared my views and I caught him watching porn in secret - the biggest shock of my life.