Dating Thread 116 - come join us!

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

far how did you recover if you don't mind me asking? I could do with some recovery too

DD\LG is daddy/little girl ew!

I had counselling previously, but I didn't tell anyone about this, apart from a couple of close friends, as I was too ashamed. I'm not sure why or how I got better. I think it just got so extreme that I realised what a despicable person he was and that I was worth more. Ending it with him was the best thing I did.
Then I wrote a series of resolutions which are on my fridge now and I'll take a picture of for you! I live by them. As far as possible...
I have some lovely friends and every month we try to do something different. Go to a musical, or a spa, or book a holiday, try a comedy night.
One of my friends, when I was in the immediate aftermath of the abusive relationship, picked me up and took me to a beautiful part of the countryside, bought me lunch and a fridge magnet of the place, to remind me of the beauty in the world.
My job helped too. I love it and I'm respected and valued at work. Gradually my self esteem returned.
I've also consciously made choices when it comes to dating that have enhanced this feeling that I matter. So I dated a gorgeous looking man. I really fancied him and got a bit giddy when he kissed me, stroked my hair and kissed my neck. He said he couldn't wait to see me again. He messaged after saying he was so excited. For a few days after the date he was messaging loads. Then he stopped initiating messages but was replying to them. Old me would've become anxious. Instead I just let the anxious feeling be my guide. I stopped messaging him. He didn't message me. I walked away. If someone makes you feel confused, it's because they're not into you enough. Maybe I could have convinced and chased and got another date. But I'm worth a lot more than a man who doesn't know their own mind. Little actions like that and just generally knowing what my boundaries are and enforcing them, have improved my self esteem bit by bit.
Sorry for the essay. I just hope it helps someone else like it helped me.

My resolutions. The alcohol one is not always followed....

Faron that's inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

Faron
Thankyou for sharing I'm on my own journey to build my self-worth and not be dependent on a man for my happiness.

One of the things I do is have dates with myself, outside my home at least 1 x month. There are so many things I want to do that I don't have a partner to do them with and my friends don't want to do. So I'm doing things by myself. I enjoy going to the theatre, the first time I went by myself I felt really lonely and I sat and cried in the toilets and missed some of the play. I eventually went back in and really enjoyed the play and realised I would have missed out if I'd given into the loneliness. This has helped me to get involved in doing lots of different activities by myself. So when I do eventually meet a man, if he doesn't share all my interests I'm not afraid to do them by myself.

I almost forgot to share - I've got three new prospects via OLD. I have a date this afternoon with one, so I'll update later.

Just catching up on posts (things move so fast on here), I was exchanging messages with Mr Normal last night, he says he's new to OLD, I think he has some issues with confidence and self belief, he apologised for messaging too much 'sorry for annoying you, you are probably fed up with me messaging', he seems quite sweet though and we are hopefully meeting up for a coffee next weekend but I know things can change a lot in a week so I'm not getting too excited about it. No other irons on the scene, I haven't asked Mr Facebook out yet.

Far - that's great what you have achieved and it sounds like you are in a great place now. I love your mindset and am slowly working towards it, it's very much a work in progress having been a people pleaser all my life.

Faron that's great. Thank you for sharing. All of these changes take time but are so worth doing. Boundaries are so important - but I am taking baby steps to put them into place. The brain and the heart often feel like they are in totally different places. I now have a clear thinking bit of brain too - that is trying to negotiate between my head and heart and see both sides and take that into account. Good luck with your journey (and same to all the other men and women on here making changes to assist in making better choices).

De-lurking temporarily

Anna, I've been there and still am to be honest. I broke up with someone I hoped and still do if I'm honest I would be with "forever" at the end of October last year. No one I've met since has come anywhere close and I keep comparing them. I'm not too fussed about the comparison really, because what we had was amazing... And now I won't settle for anything less. That's why I've taken a total break from dating tbh. If it takes a year, or five, I'll not be dating till I've stopped thinking about her so much. I enjoy my life as it is, and I want more "amazing" in it... If it doesn't match that, I'm happy going along as I'm doing.

Good luck...

Dieu, sorry you found yourself in that situation... You should do whatever you feel would be best for you, whether that be NC or try and forgive.

Pringle, never be a plan B for anyone ! I've learnt that to my cost.

Everyone else, good luck ! The nice weather is coming so make the most of it and fingers crossed for good dates for all !

RLD.

RLD and Farfrom Very inspiring thanks.

If you are in a healthy place yourself you are likely to attract more healthy partners

A friend also shared this with me and I think this is good dating advice (warning earthy language!) markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Posting again after reading some replies that have made me think!
I've always been in relationships..I seem to have moved on from one to another over the years..never for the sake of it and it's always felt right but as I've experienced more relationships that have gone wrong it's made me look at things.
My last one who I met on old was such a great bloke, to cut a long story short I now look back and see warm bells that I maybe couldn't see/buried my head in the sand.
I thought he would be a long term person in my life so any small amount of trust I had is pretty much now shot.
So I went to take a break, got bored one night with some friends and had a nose..lots of messages as you get but one stuck in my head and I replied..it's gone on from there.
He's funny, very attentive, seems genuinely conscious about things, no sexual innuendoes which is great, smart..pretty much ticks every box. Have had 2 dates with him and now he's away. He doesn't like fb or use wats app..this has helped my anxiety of checking the 'is he online' moments. I also have this thing, that isn't meant as big headed but I attract men who'think im out of they're league'..this is rubbish. The last one used to think I'm amazing, stunning 'too good to be true' I am easy going and relaxed and just want a simple life. My new man 'k' says I'm just a genuinely lovely person and I'd like it to stay that way! How do you show someone that you really are happy with them as I feel them in but unintentionally mess things up?

mumfun excellent article!

I like this one...

"No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more."

I love Farontothemaddingcrowd's resolutions. I think we should all write our own. Going to give this some thought...

missmove38 Let's put aside all notions of being 'big-headed' for a moment. When they usually think you're out of your league, in what way? If they think you're more attractive than them, find a way to praise them physically. If you can link into a physical action (e.g. a compliment after a passionate kiss), it feels more believable (i.e. you wouldn't have done that if you weren't genuine about finding them attractive).

If they think you're smarter, do something that requires their area of expertise - everyone is good at something. Find an excuse to let them demonstrate their superiority in their niche.

If these guys are in your league, just find a way to prove that you are evenly matched and let them shine in the thing that they're good at and you're not. We all have different strengths and weaknesses - sometimes we can't see beyond our own weaknesses and need a little help.

Farontothemaddingcrowd I love those resolutions too.

That sounds good pringle also echo your words for missmove38 I have been surprised that certain men have been interested in me at all but I have very low self esteem. I try not to say anything though as it seems too needy.

I'm glad my resolutions have helped. It is a journey and I'm very much still on it. One thing that helped was recognising that I would have set backs and that didn't mean that I'd failed. We are bound to make mistakes along the way, it's part of the process. That article is fantastic too, it's very much how I try to operate now. It's lovely living a life free of analysis and anxiety (of relationships at least).

As far as work goes I'm not anxious, it's usually full of issues so I'm realistic and a lot more assertive now. My POV, after everything I've experienced, is that nothing will break me.

Amending my behaviour going forward, in relationships, is a work in progress e.g. Mr Boxer's last text was on Friday saying he hoped I had a good weekend, which I replied to, and I'm metaphorically sitting on my hands to not send another text. Managing it so far!

Amen to the 'work in progress'. I have a lot to learn and it's day by day. But I feel more aware of my choices ( and realising that they are choices).

rockluvvindad I think I may have to follow your example actually. I'm not sure there's any point me dating at the moment - no one is going to catch my eye while I'm still in love with the ex. I was kind of hoping this could distract me a little bit.

update

My 3pm date was cancelled at 1444 via text. His son has broken his leg. I understand the reason but I'm a bit miffed that he didn't call to cancel and sent a text, aibu?

I made so much effort with my appearance that it felt like a waste to go him. I decided to stay in the pub, have a late lunch and a few drinks. Got chatting to a few people in the pub. Had a lovely afternoon.

I probably won't re-schedule instead I'll move onto my other prospective dates.

NurseButtercup It depends on when his son broke his leg and where he was when he sent you a message. My daughter broke her arm last month and I found it very hectic. I called the NHS non emergency number then her dad's work, took ages to get to speak to him all whilst DD was crying loudly and I was comforting her as best I could. So, I wouldn't have felt able to phone for several hours, sending messages was ok.

NurseButtercup I would have been annoyed after making all that effort, but as far as last minute excuses go, it's a forgivable one. Depending on how his son broke his leg, it was possibly a very traumatic day full of crying, ambulances and frantic calls between families. Yes, you came at the bottom of the priority list, but if you were prepared to date a man with a DC, surely you should want to date one who puts his DC first?

If he was at A&E, he may have found it difficult to find time to text/call anyone. Hospitals are quite stressful places. Plus, if DC's mum is on the scene, there may been blame throwing from either/both sides, and it might have been quite fraught.

I am glad you turned the afternoon around though.

Last nights date with mr ideal date went well, I drove to his and we went out for food then back to his to watch a film. He was a gent and a good host. We had a nice kissing session and then I drove home. He asked me to let him know I was home safe and has messaged today asking if I was ok and not too tired as I left his at 3 and had work today. No plans for date 3 as of yet as he's going away with work again Tuesday and not sure how long this time so left ball in his court. I'm excited to see how this pans out and if nothing comes of it I've learnt that these are the kind of dates I want.

This thread has such a positive reflective vibe going on. Even when things have gone wrong there is a positive learning outcome!

I am seeing Mr Bike tomorrow afternoon for a few hours. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'd planned to go on lots of coffee meetings, spend years if need be questioning men to find an equal situation. Mr Bike appears to be completely straight with me, no game playing being aloof, weird habits or declaring unending love. I can't see any hidden edges but obviously early days . So I'm going with it and being straight and nothing is putting him off. We have similarly unusual childhoods and similar preferences in bed which I wouldn't normally know so quickly but chemistry is high . Only negative, which may be a large negative in time, is that I have limited time to be free weekday evenings. He has no DC. I'm going to ignore that for now and enjoy it!

I just had a poke around in the ex's bedroom (lots of my stuff still in there, so justified in going in, but not so justified looking in his bags etc) and in a bumbag that's actually mine but I probably won't bother asking to have back I found.....several [out of date] condoms [that I bought some years ago, he has since had a vasectomy], two cock rings [bet he's not cleaned them] one of which vibrates and one of which has a tassel on it, an electric hair trimmer, some shaving foam [why do you need that with an electric trimmer?], lube and......wait for it......a large roll of black duct tape!

I suspect he is back to touting himself around on sex sites. I feel slightly sick. But also smug that I don't have to put up with his shit any more.