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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 116 - come join us!

999 replies

InfoSec21 · 09/04/2017 19:52

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
RunnnyMummy · 10/04/2017 12:53

dudette I'm with bant on this. How long since you heard from him? I'd send him a short message this evening, something funny or interesting but don't mention the cancelled date.
If he doesn't respond then you have your answer. But I couldn't leave it. Not after four dates. I'd be wondering what if?

heartbroken my first match on Tinder spent days messaging me, then one evening arranged a time and place for a date. Next day I looked and he had unmatched me. No idea why. But I quickly got chatting to others and forgot about him.
Give the radiologist a chance. He might be better in person.

I've met lots of interesting men on first dates. But only one, Mr Gym, that I wanted to see again. He's funny, intelligent and has very good manners. Which is why I was surprised when he tried sexting last night Blush. I was trying not to laugh because he was being very polite whereas I was, erm, very dirty Smile. I think things are back on track with us after his disappearing act for a couple of days.

InfoSec21 · 10/04/2017 13:00

OLD is so nuts isn't it!!

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 10/04/2017 13:42

Thanks Runny, it is just so weird when they disappeared. Is it possible that I felt the connection and he didn't? I really thought he was into me. Not that I heard wedding bells but I really wanted to give it a chance. I might be overthinking it. I am slowly learning, it has been only one week. Thanks heavens for this thread...

InfoSec21 · 10/04/2017 13:54

Vanishing is an unfortunate big part of online dating. I'm pretty sure we've all been on both sides of it. It's horrible but it's definitely a big part.

That woman that contacted me last week and said she was probably too old etc, we exchanged a few messages and it was on a topic she instigated and then she just vanished. Like, hang on you messaged me Grin

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 10/04/2017 14:57

Hello peoples, just placemarking.

Off on my mystery holiday with Mr Anarchist tomorrow. I'm feeling a bit weird, because I've got some doubts about him at the moment. In some ways we're getting on better and better, but he can be quite snipy and piss takey, in a way that can be either annoying or hurtful, depending on how I'm feeling.

I've been driving myself a bit mad trying to work out if this is a big red flag or not! The eventual conclusion was- well, it's too late to cancel this trip, and I'm sure it'll be pretty enjoyable anyway. And it will also provide plenty of time for further observation, or for speaking to him about it.

But this is why I'm still hanging around on the dating thread, because I'm not 100% sure about this yet, and who knows? might be jumping back in there soon....Hmm.

Allthembuckets · 10/04/2017 16:50

Bant Maybe I'm odd but wouldn't expect most of that. Although there is a societal expectation of most of that, so kind of is a guy interested if they don't nessage first, or suggest a date first. So, should I suggest it first or will that be off putting?

stubbornstains those do sound like concerns, like grow up as that sounds like standard teen behaviour. I get enough crap from work so wouldn't be impressed at having to deal with it in own time. I think you will have to see how this trip goes but it would make me Hmm

Bant · 10/04/2017 17:14

I'm not sure if you're odd, buckets :) but - yeah, lots of women do expect that.

There are quite a few posts on MN about whether a woman should offer to go Dutch on a first date, and consensus is hugely split. Some women say they'll be offended if the man accepts, some women say they'll be offended if the man doesn't accept. Some women say it's wrong to even offer to go Dutch.

Not one woman, that I saw, said that she would offer to pay for the man too, up front. All would either pay half, or not at all.

And lots of posts about waiting for a man to ask for the first date too.

It's not an equal world. If men sat around waiting to be asked out, then very few people would go out on dates.

If a woman suggests it first (and often it's phrased as 'so are you going to ask me out or not?') then it's refreshing. But refusal often offends. Sometimes I'm not yet interested enough in a woman to go and meet them, as I can have a banal conversation with lots of people. If I'm going to probably be expected to travel somewhere, and pay for someone's drinks, they've got to be interesting enough to deserve that. I'll generally do the asking.

But then I think it can also be 'put up or shut up' as some people just like to chat endlessly - especially the married ones.

If a guy doesn't message you first, he may just not have seen your profile. Or he may have, but he was alread talking to someone else. Or he may have thought you were out of his league, or he may not have fancied your profile particularly, but any port in a storm, or.. or..

You can't tell.

I've only ever been messaged three or four times by women whose profile I actually fancied. Almost all the time it's by someone I wouldn't look twice at. Almost all my first dates come out of me messaging someone I liked.

MagnumPieEye · 10/04/2017 17:17

How many dates before you stop counting? I'm up to eight dates, exclusive since date 2 but not met family or friends yet because of weird circumstances but I've been assured his know about me and mine definitely know about him.

Are we 'seeing' each other now? Is he my boyfriend?! Should we be defining our relationship? I don't understand! It's stressing me out.

Bant · 10/04/2017 17:22

I'm not sure if you're odd, buckets :) but - yeah, lots of women do expect that.

There are quite a few posts on MN about whether a woman should offer to go Dutch on a first date, and consensus is hugely split. Some women say they'll be offended if the man accepts, some women say they'll be offended if the man doesn't accept. Some women say it's wrong to even offer to go Dutch.

Not one woman, that I saw, said that she would offer to pay for the man too, up front. All would either pay half, or not at all.

And lots of posts about waiting for a man to ask for the first date too.

It's not an equal world. If men sat around waiting to be asked out, then very few people would go out on dates.

If a woman suggests it first (and often it's phrased as 'so are you going to ask me out or not?') then it's refreshing. But refusal often offends. Sometimes I'm not yet interested enough in a woman to go and meet them, as I can have a banal conversation with lots of people. If I'm going to probably be expected to travel somewhere, and pay for someone's drinks, they've got to be interesting enough to deserve that. I'll generally do the asking.

But then I think it can also be 'put up or shut up' as some people just like to chat endlessly - especially the married ones.

If a guy doesn't message you first, he may just not have seen your profile. Or he may have, but he was alread talking to someone else. Or he may have thought you were out of his league, or he may not have fancied your profile particularly, but any port in a storm, or.. or..

You can't tell.

I've only ever been messaged three or four times by women whose profile I actually fancied. Almost all the time it's by someone I wouldn't look twice at. Almost all my first dates come out of me messaging someone I liked.

InfoSec21 · 10/04/2017 17:23

Spot on that Bant.

Most of the people that message me on POF, absolutely not for me. That's fine because it's evidently the same of the people that I send messages too Grin

OP posts:
MagnumPieEye · 10/04/2017 17:25

For the record, I'd never expect a man to pay for me and would be mortified if he did.

I also think women should step up and ask men out. It's not that difficult and a couple of seconds feeling rejected if they don't respond isn't going to kill you.

undeuxtroiscactus · 10/04/2017 17:30

Can anyone help me with a texting dilemma? I've been seeing someone casually although I think we both like each other. We both have a lot going on in our lives at the moment so the contact is a bit sporadic, I probably message him slightly more but I try to keep it pretty even as I guess that's considered more attractive? Anyway I wanted to initiate a bit of sexting and I'm struggling with how to get it started...literally what to say without sounding crass! Sorry this is such a silly question but does anyone have any tips?

Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2017 17:48

I have had people just vanish, when I first started OLD 2 years ago I got chatting to a man one evening and he was so keen to meet me that he gave me his mobile number and asked if we could accidentally bump into each other the next day, got up the next morning, messaged him to see where he would be and nothing, never heard from him again.
I have also vanished when I am finding it hard to chat to someone or if someone better has come along. I now take it with a pinch of salt, it doesn't bother me if it's someone who I have not met, I think it's a bit cowardly if it's someone you have met more than once or someone you have had MB with.

Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2017 17:52

Undeaux, I have initiated sexting several times, with the last man I was seeing I would send him photos which didn't quite show what he wanted to see (like my legs in the bath). I have also sent messages such as 'In bed all by myself, shame your not here, thinking about what we would be doing if you were here'.

justmeand2DC · 10/04/2017 18:33

Magnum I am also wondering after how many dates you progress to "seeing" each other. I am up to 6 dates plus a 3 day mini-break - not sure if that equates to a single date or more than one?

He has deleted his OLD account, I still have mine although I haven't logged on since date 2 as I don't feel OK about doing that. We haven't met each other's friends or family either, I don't know at what point that generally happens?

MagnumPieEye · 10/04/2017 18:50

JustMe - surely if you've been on a mini-break together, he's your boyfriend! There's something insanely tentative about all these terms.

Surely we must be over-thinking? Or does everyone do this?

justmeand2DC · 10/04/2017 19:07

Magnum I'm not sure if that is true - the reason we went on a mini break was because, owing to both of us having (teenage/adult) DC at home, it is impossible to spend time at each other's home other than in the daytime when they are reliably out!

It seemed that if we were going to take annual leave to spend time together we might as well go away so we could spend the night together as well. I don't know how the relationship can progress if we can only spend the night together by going on holiday! What do other people who have their DC with them full time do?

MrsRolandRat · 10/04/2017 19:27

Just could you maybe talk to him about syncing your diaries so that you can both be child free for even one day a week?

Do you have someone who will look after your DC's? Does he has his children full time too?

I struggle with time to spend with someone overnight too. Although my ex and I share dd 50/50 my job means I'm out of the country when she's with her dad, and when I'm home she's with me. It's not easy I totally get what you're saying.

InfoSec21 · 10/04/2017 19:28

Damn LM you on it girl 😂😉😀

Us guys can't instigate sexting otherwise we come across as after one thing. If you do it though...

OP posts:
madmother1 · 10/04/2017 19:40

Please keep at it. I'm 6 months into a new relationship after a 23 year old marriage and 5 years on my own. I have met the love of my life. I'm very lucky that I messaged him. I was very chosey and had only met a couple of weirdos. I wish you luck Smile

justmeand2DC · 10/04/2017 19:50

MrsRoland it's difficult isn't it! This is my first relationship since ending it with my DC's Dad 2 years ago so it seems strange not to be able to sleep together as a normal part of a relationship. Takes me back to being a teenager which was a looong time ago!

All the DC except my younger teen DC2 are old enough not to need any looking after. My DC2 is with his Dad EOW so theoretically I could stay over at his place then (staying over at mine not possible, for the moment at least, as my DC1 is NC with his Dad so full-time with me and hates having overnight guests in the house).

His DC are adult, one lives there full-time and the other only at weekends so consequently he wants to maximise time with them and so probably wouldn't want to stay over at mine in the weekend even if it were possible. We live quite a distance apart in London and it's not really feasible for me to meet up on week nights as I like to keep an eye on the DC's homework although it would suit him better as he has only 1 DC with him then.

I think ideally we will eventually get to the point where he is happy with me to be in the house at the same time as his DC. His relationship with their Mum ended more than 5 years ago and he has had other relationships where they have eventually met the DC so I guess it's just a matter of being patient.

Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2017 19:54

Mr Beard has been a real gent when it comes to not sexting, I have tested him several times, he hasn't taken the bait ( or he says 'I'm not going to say what I'm thinking right now' and then tries to change the subject ), I don't mind a bit of sexting but I think it's best to wait until after you have met someone and decided you like them.

OutToGetYou · 10/04/2017 21:19

I agree Bant, it should be equal (I never expect men to pay, I prefer to split bills, I never want to be beholden to anyone) but if one cancels, they should then get in touch to rearrange, gender doesn't come into it at all.

Bant · 10/04/2017 21:39

True outtogetyou - there's gender politics and then there's just politeness.

But I think it takes two to have a conversation, and people can't just assume that because they've met someone a few times that everything is fine, or that it's the man's job to maintain conversation.

Things get weird, you say something which could be taken the wrong way, or things just go quiet, and it's all angst and recrimination.

So either let it die and walk away, or try and recapture some of the fun that made you meet them in the first place. And that's both people's responsibility, not just the man

You're the prize, but if they're a good un, so are they

OutToGetYou · 10/04/2017 22:07

I was wondering why I would never offer to pay for a man's meal/drinks on the first date and it occurred to me that if I met any mate I'd not offer to pay, just because it's a bit patronising. The only time I would, and would insist, would be if I had asked them out for their birthday or something, that would be 'my treat'.

But a guy you've never met before, two Cokes? No, I would not offer to pay for his - I'd expect to buy a round each and that is pretty much what I have always done. If a man is really insistent then I'm not going to get into a row over it in public, but by the same token I'm going to be pretty sure they're not my type of guy.

This is one of the reasons I try really hard to keep first dates from OLD to drinks only.

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