Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

247 replies

Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:01

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four? Sad

OP posts:
LineysRun · 30/03/2017 22:43

Are your children aware that you're pregnant?

Kittencatkins123 · 30/03/2017 22:47

It sounds like your relationship went way too fast. You were 'official' within a week, introducing your kids and spending half the week together - planning holidays when you hadn't even been together three months. When things are that intense so quickly people haven't had time to develop real feelings. It doesn't sound like you had any time to get to know each other before you leapt in. Now you've had a massive dose of reality in the form of an unplanned child and rather than thinking 'yes I want this' or 'even okay we can handle this', the relationship can't stand up to it.

What does your mum think you should do? Can you speak to friends about it? You need support IRL so you can talk through your options and how you can make things work if you do decide to have the baby, financially and emotionally.

TheJunctionBaby · 30/03/2017 22:52

OP has repeatedly said she doesn't want to abort. If this thread were reversed and someone was posting saying their partner wanted them to continue with a pregnancy they didn't want no one would be posting trying to convince them not to terminate.

It's HER body. You can't be for a woman's right to choose then in the same breath be trying to convince her an abortion is best. The right to choose means exactly that, and it sounds to me like she's chosen

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 22:55

No they are not, I wouldn't tell them unless I chose to keep it and everything was ok at the first scan.

My mum says what she's always said, that it's my life and she'll always support me no matter what but she strongly advised whatever decision I make, to ditch him. She said he sounds emotionally unstable.

I have been speaking to one friend about it, she's been a great help. I told her his reaction is more stressful than the entire situation and she said yes, his reaction IS the situation which is pretty much true. I'd feel a lot less stressed, more at ease, less conflicted and so forth if he'd not freaked out as he did.

You're right about it being a whirlwind romance, dually noted. Never had one before, was with ExH four years before we got married and had DC. Feel like I'm coming across as some irresponsible dickhead that belongs on Jeremy Kyle Hmm Grin.

I'm not ultra wealthy a la George Osborne but I have enough to get by comfortably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 22:58

The help on here has honestly been invaluable to me so thank you. Sometimes it's important to hear an impartial view (or 40 Grin).

Interesting what you say about viewing it as a baby vs bunch of cells. I appreciate that right now it is just a bunch of cells the size of a poppy seed but I'm struggling to detach. To me it's a baby.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 30/03/2017 23:02

I'd be very careful to make sure your children have no knock-on stress from this, if at all possible. They're so young.

I'd also be very wary of his parents insinuating themselves into your life (and therefore into your children's lives) for the next 18+ years, even after he's long gone.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 23:05

His parents don't live close by so I'm not sure how much of a part they would play, if at all.

He interestingly only really started to be friendly towards me in texts when I mentioned I had put some more consideration into terminating (because before I was absolutely 100% adamant I wouldn't). So I do honestly believe he's keeping me sweet to make sure I do it then he'll be off.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 30/03/2017 23:09

OP it seems the only thing you are completely sure of is that you want to keep the baby.

Start at that point, and move forward from there.

Think about yourself, your health & emotional wellbeing.

And that of your children.

Look after yourself financially too.

Your BF can handle this anyway he chooses, you can deal with him later.

TBH after just 10 weeks you don't really know him or love him, I doubt he will stick around. Try not focus on that too much ATM.

Good luck

BlackeyedSusan · 30/03/2017 23:09

if you want baby keep it. you will manage and you will adapt. so will the children. they may be thrilled, children that age often are ridiculously proud of a new baby. you can make them feel special as older siblings..

do what you want to do. factor in that it is you that will be raising this child. you that will be have to bear the consequences of pregnancy or abortion.

yes you will be a single parent to four, but you will get help from dad for three of them. you can also get help from cms for number four, even if he wants nothing to do with baby, which will probably be a good thing given his reaction.

cancel the holidays, weddings and relationship with him.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 23:09

It won't be a baby for weeks and weeks yet.

We don't tend to talk like that, I believe, because it seems to minimise the loss experienced by women who have had early miscarriages.

It doesn't minimise their losses though - at least not in my personal experience. I know that when I had my MC that it was the potential baby that I mourned. It was visceral, and good God I yearned for that tiny sac and its contents, but it wasn't a baby. Not at such an early stage after conception.

ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 23:11

The right to choose is about a woman deciding NOT to go through with a pregnancy. Bringing a baby into the world affects people beyond the mother - i.e. the existing children and the baby itself.

Giving birth should not be based on what mum wants. It should be based on doing the responsible thing.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/03/2017 23:12

if it is a baby to you it sounds like you would maybe struggle more emotionally with the termination that those who see a bunch of cells. different perspectives, different emotional responses.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 23:18

Speaking about my children reacting negatively to this situation is all manners of odd to me. Maybe because I know my DC and you obviously don't but they would absolutely love a new baby. They've even asked me numerous times for a baby brother in the past (mostly based on their friends siblings/teachers that have brought babies in to school) Of course I've always dismissed and said no, no I have enough with three big babies thank you and we have a cat. But they wouldn't feel anything except delighted at the prospect.

Honestly the only child I actually feel bad for is the one growing inside of me and that is literally only because of him. I'm a good mother and I'd do my upmost best but I imagine growing up fatherless isn't easy and it's not what I want for any child, not in the least my own.

In an ideal world he'd kind of man up and support me but I don't think it's going to happen, I do think I'm alone and now it's just for me to decide what I do for my family.

OP posts:
TheCaptainsCat · 30/03/2017 23:29

ahamsternest - are you serious???

Don't know how you reached the conclusion that a womans choice regarding the continuation or termination of a pregnancy only works one way Hmm

ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 23:32

I'm saying that a woman doesn't have the moral freedom to decide to bring a baby into the world just because she's become pregnant by accident.

I'm saying "my body my choice" enables women to free themselves of pregnancy without moral judgement, but that lack of moral judgement does not apply to continuing the pregnancy and ethics must be considered when bringing a life into fhe world. It is not just about mum and mum's body.

picklemepopcorn · 30/03/2017 23:34

I think you need a week with no contact from him, a counselling session, and a chance to see how you feel without other people telling you what to do. Only you know how you will feel about an abortion. If you can't persuade yourself it isn't a baby, you might struggle to cope with choosing to terminate. Please make sure the choice- whatever it is- is fully your own, as you will cope with it far better that way.

You'll be doing it all without him anyway, may as well get used to that now.

LineysRun · 30/03/2017 23:35

Good luck, OP.

picklemepopcorn · 30/03/2017 23:35

Bear in mind that you may well end up losing the relationship despite having the termination, given that you dislike how he has handled this.

Cricrichan · 30/03/2017 23:45

Op you sound as if you really want this baby so i think you should have it. Only terminate if you're sure. Your baby will be fine even if his father isn't around and you never know, once the shock has worn off or once he sees his baby, there is as much a chance as there isn't that he'll fall in love with it. My eldest hasn't seen his father for 10 years and it doesn't affect him in the slightest. I know of quite a few kids who don't see their fathers and they're fine because they have a great mum and in many cases a loving extended family.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/03/2017 23:53

depends on your definition of morals.

some find it morally wrong to abort a baby, others find it morally wrong to bring a child into difficult circumstances.

child having a loving mother and three mostly loving siblings certainly is not the worst of circumstances to bring a child into. not ideal to have a fuckwit of a father, but it could be worse.

again, perspectives, world views, religion, mothers feelings, etc, etc, etc.

TheJunctionBaby · 31/03/2017 00:09

ahamsternest So it's ok to force a woman against her will to have an abortion because it's might be in the best interests of other people?! Hmm

So screw her feelings, her mental health, her physical health. She doesn't have the right to say she wants her baby? Wtf am I reading???

There's so much that's wrong with what you've said I'm getting the rage. So I'm just going to call it a night

Good luck OP. You sound like you k is what you want, don't let anyone (least of all strangers on the internet) guilt trip you into a decision you alone have to live with x

Original poster
Toddzoid · 31/03/2017 00:39

Honestly, the child will have a warm, safe home with a loving mother, three siblings and also I have an amazing support network, my Mother in particular is gold dust. We'd be ok, more than ok even.

It's a shame it's under these circumstances, admittedly. I'm aware I'm in for a complete whirlwind of events over the next year- year and a half really. It's going to be difficult, I'm not entirely sure how I'll manage but I'll find a way.

I've started to consider an abortion at points today but ultimately deep down I just don't want that. I've accepted the relationship is over regardless so it's up to him whether he has a part in its life or not.

Thank you to everyone again.

OP posts:
Afreshstartplease · 31/03/2017 07:02

Op I wish you all the luck in the world, and as to me you clearly want this baby. Congrats!

CharlieSierra · 31/03/2017 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ohlittlepea · 31/03/2017 08:00

Enjoy your gorgeous baby 💛
See if you can get onto a healthy relationships group or some counselling sessions, to keep you and your children safe I think you probably know that you can't move a stranger in with your kids that quickly again. You deserve more, really get to know someone and let them prove themselves first no matter how intense it seems, there's five of your safety and well being to think about. Use Clares law, meet their friends and family, get your mum to vet them, visit them at work. Make sure you know someone inside out before getting too close. It's so tempting to throw yourself in full barrells when you feel hurt or lonely, hope you meet someone really lovely one day xxx