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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

247 replies

Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:01

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four? Sad

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 30/03/2017 14:31

It will be different from being a single parent to three though as the father of this one might not be involved physically or financially as her ex-husband is.

TheNaze73 · 30/03/2017 14:31

I don't think anyone would be a keeper after 2.5 months, you barely know him. Takes two to tango & he should obviously accept responsibility however, I can see what his angle is

2014newme · 30/03/2017 14:31

Op "the first man of the calibre", it had only been ten weeks since you split with your ex! You hardly know this guy, as has been proved. Give your head awobble!

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:32

No, exH and I split 2 years ago. We got together ten weeks ago, just to be clear.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 14:35

I might be unpopular for saying this, but four weeks' pregnant just means your period is due, doesn't it? It used to when I had my children! Surely you can't be thinking of having a child with someone who would hate you for it? You both need to take responsibility - you were on the pill but if you were determined never to have an abortion you should have gone the belt and braces route and doubled up with contraception.

stitchglitched · 30/03/2017 14:36

It doesn't matter how decent you thought he was, it is impossible to know someone properly after such a short time as your boyfriend has now proven.

Why are you hoping he will come round? This isn't a guy you have a history with, a solid foundation with who has just freaked out a bit. This is a total stranger who has shown his true colours. Regardless of what you choose to do (and personally I think you would be mad to jeopardise your born children's stability for a 4 week pregnancy), surely you don't want this guy back?

Justmuddlingalong · 30/03/2017 14:37

Does he have kids, what's his situation? How old are you both?

Orangebird69 · 30/03/2017 14:39

2014me, she didn't say she'd split with her ex 10 weeks ago, only that she met her current dp 10 weeks ago Hmm

Underthemoonlight · 30/03/2017 14:40

I don't think you know anyone properly for atleast 2years. You have moved far too fast in this situation and his reaction has said all that's needed to be said. He shouldn't have met your kids. You do need to consider the impact on having another DC you won't get tax credits for a 4th and you would have to consider the cost of childcare aswell as been able to work.you may find yourself financially worse off. I would consider your options carefully before you make a decision

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:41

He doesn't have children, we're 27.

I'm hoping he'll come round because I feel like irrespective of how long we've been together I at least deserve an ounce of respect and support...

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 30/03/2017 14:43

You sound like you will cope without him just fine. He has shown his true colours and that's sad but better now that further down the line when you're more involved etc.
Ignore the people saying "it's too early" blah blah- that's in the past now. The future is what counts and I think you will all be just fine. Flowers

neonrainbow · 30/03/2017 14:44

You'll be tied to him for the next 18 years if you go ahead with this pregnancy. Plus he sounds like a dick. Maybe move a little slower with future men once you work out this situation cos your existing children's worlds are going to be turned upside down.

theoracleofdelphi · 30/03/2017 14:44

I think having a baby under these circumstances would be madness - just being honest. Also ditch him - he's a twat - and in future I'd spend more than 10 weeks dating someone before they spend half the week with my children

magoria · 30/03/2017 14:44

You need to work on the basis that you will be a single parent to 4 with minimal help and the bare minimum financial support.

Anything additional will be a bonus but don't expect it to change.

If you decide to go ahead given that then it is your decision to do so.

Underthemoonlight · 30/03/2017 14:45

Your very naive if you think he will come round, it's clear from the off set he doesn't want the responsibility of your DC and another one of his own. You will find out the hard way that he won't step up.I speak as someone who was stupid to get accidentally pregnant with BF after been together for 3 months
( he had chemotherapy treatment and he was told he could affect his fertility it clearly didn't) he left me for another woman after DS first birthday.

Orangebird69 · 30/03/2017 14:45

OP, don't waste time 'hoping' he'll come round. He may never come round. Work our whether you can emotionally, logistically and financially raise 4 children by yourself.

Kr1stina · 30/03/2017 14:49

Just wanted to point out that there a third option which you may not have considered which is adoption. It's not right for everyone ( just like the other choices ).

It's possible to have some very limited contact with your child once they have been placed ( perhaps a letter and a visit once a year ) and you can ask to meet the prospective adopters.

It's not easy but there's no easy option here as you know .

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/03/2017 14:50

You have to make this decision on the basis you will be on your own with 4 kids.

Your ExH has no responsibility to this child so don't bank on any contribution from him for support.

I would seriously think about the next however many years and not the 'lovely baby cute' stage.Flowers

Bluebellwoods123 · 30/03/2017 14:54

It's very easy for others to say you should use a belt and braces method of contraceptive but we are told the pill is very effective until it randomly fails.
What has happened has happened the important thing is to make the right choice for you now and it is your choice. Don't let anyone pressurise you.

elephantcuddles · 30/03/2017 14:55

Whether you decide to keep the baby or not, PLEASE dump him. He sounds truly awful. In times like this, a person shows their true colors. It's your body and it's your decision if you keep the baby. Do what you feel is best, but also be practical about things. Sorry you're being put in this position. You deserve someone more understanding and compassionate. He is not it.

elephantcuddles · 30/03/2017 14:57

And I would just like to echo another poster about considering adoption. I am adopted myself. If you have any questions, you can PM me.

TheCaptainsCat · 30/03/2017 15:01

OP has said she doesn't want to have an abortion, so I don't see why so many posters are hinting she should have one.. People wouldn't do that the other way round, would they? I think OP wanted advice on her relationship, not her pregnancy choices.

5BlueHydrangea · 30/03/2017 15:06

He may well not be in your life for 18 years. Sounds a prime candidate for making himself an 'absent father' - pros and cons to that one of course..

P1nkP0ppy · 30/03/2017 15:08

I imagine he's gone for good op; his stating that you've trapped him is hardly going to be a great basis for him being supportive as a father, is it?
A bit of me can understand his reaction, it's so early in a relationship that's barely got off the ground, I'm not surprised he's panicked.
You have other DCs to consider too, they're going to wonder why he's not around.