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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

247 replies

Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:01

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four? Sad

OP posts:
Gertrudeisgerman · 30/03/2017 18:52

Sorry for typos Flowers

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 18:52

I was torn to begin with anyway but I feel probably even more conflicted than ever right now Sad. An abortion is the right decision to make for everyone and I can accept that. Keeping the baby would be extremely difficult and right now circumstances are shaky and unknown. But I don't think I want to go through with one Sad. That's the thing... I'm sure most people feel that way though.

OP posts:
ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 18:55

Nobody wants to have an abortion. They do it because it is the right thing to do.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 19:03

Even if he "came round" now and promised the earth, and you forgave him and continued in the relationship, or you ended the relationship but he promised to "be there" for his DC, what's to say he'd be good to you now, in 6 months, 2 years? Pay maintenance for years?

You don't know him, and his reaction shows he has some bad traits and opinions about women.

Also, think you said you WoH as a single parent of 3DC, which is really hard to do. DC4 would make that almost impossible IMO, which would affect your and DCs finances.

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 19:10

OP, I think you're getting yourself in a state by thinking of it as an abortion. Your period was only due this week. If your period started now, would you be calling it a miscarriage? You'd be asked to take a couple of tablets and your period would start. You're turning this into high drama when it really isn't.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 19:13

OP feels how she feels.

I have had early mcs. Think I would find an early abortion difficult, even if it was the most sensible decision.

Underthemoonlight · 30/03/2017 19:20

OP, I think you're getting yourself in a state by thinking of it as an abortion. Your period was only due this week. If your period started now, would you be calling it a miscarriage? You'd be asked to take a couple of tablets and your period would start. You're turning this into high drama when it really isn't.

I've had an early miscarriage and it wasn't like a period at all it was pretty painful and not a nice experience. You have no right to tell someone to not make a drama out of something so life changing imperial what a disgusting attitude you have. Op came on her for support

ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 19:23

Having a baby is infinitely more life changing than aborting a tiny cluster of cells.

annielouise · 30/03/2017 19:25

Agree with imperial and ahamster. No one says it's easy but as an adult you have to get on with these things - if that's the decision you make - and keep yourself together for the sake of your three kids. You make the best decision from the hand you've been dealt.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 19:27

Imperial and hamster - I agree. But it isn't something that many people would be prepared to come out with. I say this as someone who herself has had an early MC (10 weeks). I've also had a termination (9 weeks).

There was a documentary years ago which followed the experience of a woman having a surgical abortion. I really wish I'd seen it sooner, rather than beating myself up regularly for having made a difficult but best choice.

ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 19:33

I think the myth about abortions being "something you live with forever" and "life changing" is just pro life misogyny. A lot of people have abortions and find it easy to live with, because the alternative was much worse.

You do not have to walk around in sackcloth and ashes forever for making a responsible choice.

stitchglitched · 30/03/2017 19:34

I think Imperial is just making the point that an abortion at this stage is really only preventing a few cells from starting to develop. It is barely even an embryo yet. It seems mad to invite a stranger into your life for the next 18 years and potentially cause difficulties for your existing children for it.

octoberfarm · 30/03/2017 19:35

Another one here that would say you need to do whatever you feel is right, but please, please don't go ahead with a termination if you're not absolutely certain it's what you want. You're already a single Mum to three kids and by the sounds of it, they might be quite excited about another little one. It'll be hard, of course, and no-one would blame you for either decision you make. But please don't go ahead with it because you feel you should or you have to or someone else is pressuring you to. Take some time, think it through, and be kind to yourself Flowers

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 19:36

But you're four weeks pregnant when your period is due. The OP has said she was four weeks pregnant on Tuesday.

Several weeks later, it's obviously completely different and I really feel for anyone in that situation.

WillbeflamedsoNC · 30/03/2017 19:37

Just leaving this here....

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(
stitchglitched · 30/03/2017 19:40

That suggests that the father's right to ejaculate without consequence is more important than a child's right to be supported by those who created them Willbe. I find it strange that anyone would advocate that.

5BlueHydrangea · 30/03/2017 19:44

Imperial and others - a tiny cluster of cells which grows into a much bigger cluster of cells is a person at whatever point you look at it whether you want it to be or not. It's a baby. Which has already been created.
No one is saying this is an easy situation but abortion may not be the solution. I had a dd when I was 18. She is now a young adult and her 'father' has only laid eyes on her once. She is however a mature lovely person who most definitely has not suffered in any significant way with him not being around.
This is early days. You're both in shock. Have no contact until Tuesday and then try and have a calm rational discussion re your options. At the end of the day OP this is your decision, not his.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 19:47

Fuck that bullshit willbeflamed.

ijustwannadance · 30/03/2017 19:47

I would also choose to abort if in your situation. I would not want to be stuck in contact with a man like that and I would be more concerned about the children already here.

ahamsternest · 30/03/2017 19:49

It's not a baby. It is an embryo and it might not even be carried to term.

SlinkyTink · 30/03/2017 19:49

I would abort in your situation. I wouldn't want to tie myself to him and I would worry about the child's relationship or non-relationship with him. Do the other kids see your ex? If they do then it might be difficult for another child to see them going off to their Dad while they might, potentially, have no relationship with their Dad.

Another reason that I would abort is because you are still young. You have plenty of time to meet someone and have kids within a strong relationship. I guessing you will not rush things next time.

JigglyTuff · 30/03/2017 20:00

I've had an abortion in a LTR where my boyfriend had much the same reaction as this bloke. I didn't want the abortion - I wanted to have the baby - but I wasn't prepared for my child to grow up knowing that their father fervently wished they didn't exist. It was hard but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Our relationship didn't survive but it wouldn't have survived if I'd continued with the pregnancy either.

Kikikaakaa · 30/03/2017 20:02

I don't want to upset anyone with what I say going forward.

Termination for me was strangely physically more difficult and psychologically more difficult prior to the procedure. Afterwards I felt guilt but I also felt relief (which made the guilt worse). I was surprised at how quickly I did realise I was ok... and I think the relief was that I no longer had to make a choice. And I no longer had to face all the other things that came along with choosing to have the baby. I will never forget it. But I felt like I am a strong person who can live with myself that it was right for the baby and my children.

I had a MC once and IMO it isn't the same. MC is unexpected and very very painful, mine felt degrading somewhat (left in EPU for hours, didn't know what was going on, losing blood when examined) whereas a termination is controlled and calmer in that sense. The care I had at that clinic was far greater than EPU and I think that did help in some ways? It wasn't as terrifying as my mind had imagined it would be.

Personally? I would talk to Pregnancy Advisory Services at least, and you really need to weigh everything up - not just what your heart tells you. No woman's heart tells her to have a termination, every part of you wishes things WERE different, it just is that sadly, they are not and you come to terms with it.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 30/03/2017 20:05

Weatherbomb's post right up the thread really summarised what I was going to say. I too have a very difficult ex. He has destroyed our DC childhood by refusing to co-operate on anything. His only answer to my views is court.

I also believe in womens right to choose but i do not believe that a 4 week old bunch of cells is a baby. That is a very emotional response. I truly think that you need to be thinking practically now. And fine if practically you can cope with a baby and 3 children as a single parent then go ahead. Your choice. But please do not let emotion stop you looking at the practical considerations.

Kikikaakaa · 30/03/2017 20:10

Equally if this is the decision you choose to go ahead, then now is the point where you have to cut ties with this man emotionally. He is not there for you. Spending time hoping is normal but it would now have to be more like a business arrangement - he can choose to be present or he can be absent. You will need to have boundaries to avoid any confusion for any of the children, you cannot go back to him hanging around your house like he has been and defiantly not sleeping with him because this will make it all worse. Unless he's 100% in, then he's out. And like we have all said, he's got a right to not want this so you have to understand that. Morally he might not do 'the right thing' and resenting him will cause you endless heartache you don't need.