Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

[Toddzoid]

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four?

I think you're making yourself a bit of a victim here now. Yes he was an arsehole, but you're not stuck with the pregnancy. You have the freedom to terminate.

Seeing a cute baby in a shop is not a good reason to keep a baby. I saw a cute baby in Tesco today, but I didn't jump the first bloke I saw in the vegetable aisle to get my own.

You need to stop focusing on feelings and deal with this rationally, for the sake of the kids that already exist.

I think people should give the guy a break. He didn't ask to become a father, and for those saying he should have used a condom, there has been a contraceptive failure. That can happen with a condom too! He may have not handled it in the best way but he's probably in shock at the moment. I always feel for men put in this decision because quite frankly there is absolutely bugger all he can do about the situation. If someone told me I was about to be a mother against my will I would do everything to stop it.

OP you need to decide what's best for you and your other kids. Don't count on him changing his mind.

Even if you change his mind for now what makes you think you'll be able to trust him in the future? Might be controversial but I think the children you already have are more important than the four week pregnancy. You should be putting them first.

I am putting them first, very much so as well as myself and my own future and goals and ambitions.

It's plain to see the relationship won't work out regardless. I could never trust him again after the way he's treat me, if I'm honest. Yes he didn't ask for it and yes he's shocked but so am I and I honestly don't see any reason to shout and scream at me and accuse me of crazy things I wouldn't do and just be so damn uncaring and cold. We all react differently, sure but he's lashed out at me and made me feel completely uncared for and basically, bluntly, shit.

I can't say how I'd feel as a man if my partner told me they were pregnant and I didn't want it but I'm sure I wouldn't demand they abort, accuse them of 'trapping me' and make them feel guilty for something we both equally created.

You know you won't get child benefit for the new baby don't you? R any extra housing benefit. Can you afford a 4th child?

I don't know what sense his parents will talk, perhaps none at all. I wish this had never happened so it wasn't a decision I even had to contemplate to be honest. It's horrible, I feel awful. I'm not a victim but I'm a woman in a really shit predicament with a man just not helping even remotely, making it worse it anything.

I don't claim benefits.

Agree with RestlessTraveller that I don't think the partner should be getting such a hard time here. The contraceptive failed...this can happen no matter what you opt to use so I don't think it's fair to say if he was that worried he should have used a condom as these too can fail. Children are a bloody big commitment so it's no wonder he's freaking out at the idea of being a father just 2 months in. And let's not forget he wouldn't just become a father of 1, but also a father figure to 3 other dependents assuming you decided to make a go of it and he moved in full time. That's a lot of responsibility for a 27yo who doesn't feel ready for a family yet.

Tax credits? Child benefit?

If I were a man, would be massively freaked out if my partner of 2.5 months fell pregnant and was really keen to keep it and I would probably feel trapped.

I would also be a bit suspicious about whether you were taking your pill as required.

It's the fact that you're so keen to have the baby that likely unsettled him. Most people would realise that 2.5 months is way too early and be discussing termination, not planning to keep it.

Yes he's not acted in the best way, but he's not the world's biggest bastard. He just doesn't want a baby with you.

Hi op.

His reaction wasn't nice but not that surprising. You barely know each other, you're both quite young and it would mean him suddenly going from 0 to 4 kids! How come he was living with you even though you've only just started seeing each other and you've got kids?

Regarding keeping the baby or not. Only you can make that decision but consider that the baby will set you back another 5 years really. Your youngest is either at school or just about to start school..You've got a chance to get your career on track and build a new life.

I agree, hamster

Todd you may well have been perfectly diligent with your pill-taking and have had no intention of conceiving, but just as it's too soon for you to know him, it's also too soon for him to know you.

This has to be your decision though and yours alone.

I'm not going to be all smug about contraception though, because I've had failures myself (through sheer complacent fuckwittery on my part - very few women admit to it, but it happens).

Reading back over this, neither of you wants to see the others view point.

You adamantly want it and he adamantly does not and it's only been one day. Because there hasn't been any deeper discussion or consideration to either party this is where it's gone wrong, the approach to the issue has brought out strong responses in you both and neither of you can be right or wrong on it. It's only now you have gone away that you are looking at the bigger picture and you are holding onto hope he will too.

This isn't about you or him in a lot of ways, it's ultimately about the child. I am sure it will be provided for in a practical sense but it may not have a father or any extended family on his side in touch. You may spend years fighting him for child support or in court about access. All of these things are far more likely in an acrimonious split you only need to read these boards. It will have siblings close in age but there are no promises they will all be close or that the other children won't be affected by the new arrival. I have a 12yo child who has not bonded with a half sibling (fathers side) and there is resentment, upset, jealousy and it's difficult. It's not one big happy family like everyone pictured.

Even if his parents talk him round, it isn't what he really wants. It is what you want. Clearly you didn't know him well enough to predict he was going to be ok with this, and it is at least good he has been honest rather than leaving you further down the line having never wanted it all along.

You need to go through the reasons that you truely do want a baby aside from not finding the idea of termination appealing. No one does it's a really hard thing to do.

Even if he came round you're starting off on a negative - an unwanted situation by him. It will be brought up every time there's a stress, every time you want him to do something he could say you wanted the baby, you do it! Or if involving the older 3, they're your kids, you do it.

Life will be hard enough with 4 kids, you both need to at least need to be enthusiastic about the idea to give it a good chance of working. It'll be harder for him as he's not been a parent before to one let alone 4.

Your body, entirely your choice.

He is / was not your DP but a boyfriend.Bad judgement introducing him to your DC and getting so intense so soon. You didn't know him yet.

Seems unlikely that after the problems they've already had with their parents breaking up your DC would want a sibling. Even if they do make the best of it , it's not in their best interests.

Sounds like there are sides of him he hadn't shown. If you have a DC with him and (as would be responsible) he remains involved with his DC you will be tied to him forever.

If men fail to take any responsibility for contraception, then they can expect pregnancies.

Having unprotected sex with someone you barely know is not very smart.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a pregnancy if your partner has said they are on the pill.

JigglyTuff

If men fail to take any responsibility for contraception, then they can expect pregnancies.

Having unprotected sex with someone you barely know is not very smart
Theu were using condoms and both decided the pill was enough once theyd been tested.

Nobody ever says to a woman "yes the condom broke but you should have the implant too if you dont want a baby".

2 people create a pregnancy. It would be irresponsible to continue and unplanned pregnancy if one parent is so against it. Just my opinion though. Pleanty on MN think that men have zero say in these issues.

I agree Maisy. Toddzoid has the final decision to keep it but will have to accept he might not want anything to do with her or the baby. No win situation really, unless she wants to go it alone and accepts that.

Apologies - I missed that post from the OP.

Yes, two people create a pregnancy (usually). But saying that men should have ultimate control over a woman's body (which is what you're advocating) is horrific.

I agree that a termination would be best in this situation though.

I agree Maisy.

It's not about a man having control over a woman's body. Abortion is much less risky and harmful than a pregnancy. It is about what's right for the baby and whether it's moral to press on with a pregnancy when one half of the couple doesn't want it. Which, in my opinion, it is not.

Personally I think he has every right to feel trapped and scared. He is not just having a baby with a woman he barely knows but if it is to be a sustainable relationship he is incorporating 3 other children into his world that he barely knows. You might resent him, but I suspect he resents you too.

You have 3 little children that you need to think of as well. In the end you need to think of them as well. Contraception is a joint thing but in the end he has no say over what you decide to do.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I can't give you the answers-I don't think anyone here can. And I haven't been in the same situation as you so I'm not going to judge or tell you whether to try to hold on to this guy or not.
But I can say that I had an abortion, a little over a year ago and I didn't want to get rid of my baby. It was for all the right reasons, but afterwards it tore me apart.
You have to do what's right for you and your kids. If you choose to abort-please take some time to really think it over and accept the counselling you'll be offered. If you decide to keep the baby-get as much support as you can from friends and family.
It will be hard either way but all I can really tell you is a year from now, you'll be okay, whichever decision you make.
Take care of yourself.

I'm living with a 13 year old whose dad was exactly the same, same relationship time frame but we were a couple of years younger and it was my first pregnancy.

He has never lived with his dad, sees him one or twice a month and he has given me 100 quid a month since he was 2 until now. DS1 doesn't know him, he won't text him, he sees him begrudgingly. It's really really tough emotionally on DS1. And he doesn't even know his dad didn't want him.

I feel awful that I have put my DS through it tbh. I would never say I should have terminated but I wish I'd thought less about my feelings and more about the kind of life a child has when one parent doesn't want them . I have been there completely for DS and give him everything he needs and really look out for him emotionally but I can't change the fact is father rejects him.

OP, I now have 3dc's and I think you are so brace contemplating doing this alone.

I can't explain why... I just do and I think that may be reason enough to keep it?

I feel an abortion would seriously impact on me psychologically

Listen to yourself. These are your words.

You need to do what is right for you. It's your body and your baby. If you terminate, you will have to live with that decision for the rest of your life. That is not necessarily an easier option than having to co-parent with him for the rest of his/her childhood.