Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

[Toddzoid]

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four?

I don't think anyone anti children would stay with a person who had three children. I told him on the first date and he didnt mind. He met them about six weeks in and for the past 4/5 weeks he's been staying half the week, we've been on day trips out at the weekend and he's walked with us to school twice. They like him, he likes them. This was one of the reasons I thought he was a decent man, amongst other things.

He's never stepped out of line with anything until now, this is the first time but obviously he's shocked and scared so I'm TRYING to give him the benefit of the doubt based on how I would feel if I were him.

Having said that, he had no right to shout at me and accuse me of doing this purposely. I'm not sure I'd stay with him if I aborted. Right now I'm in two minds and torn in half about absolutely everything. It's the hardest situation I've been in.

If you truly love someone you stay with them through thick and thin. You don't only stay with them on your own terms, if they follow your rules it isn't possible to truly love someone after such a short time, you don't know each other. He isn't who you thought he was, you aren't who he thought you were. People often turn out to be different than you first thought when you get to know them better, that's why it's a good idea to really know someone very well before getting pregnant. You're still very young; you've already had 3 children and are not with their father. The right thing to do now is to put the children you have first, put this behind you and get on with making a life for your family. He's irrelevant, talking about it with him any more is dramatising.

OP , what would you have your boyfriend do ? He doesn't want a child. You have barely started your relationship. He is allowed a choice too. It's your body so you are in the unique position of being able to force fatherhood on to someone who has told you they absolutely don't want it - yet you want him to want what you want. And do not appear to accept that he has an EQUAL right not to want a child.

Your right is to have total autonomy over your body. You had discussed and decided on a very efficient method of contraception. Neither of you are 'to blame' it is purely about choice about what to do now. And the choices are all with you but the price of that unilateral choice is that you can expect to be left with all the responsibility that choice entails.

He's never stepped out of line with anything until now, TBF its only been 10 weeks.

It is totally different playing Lego or in the park with your kids to bring responsible for a family of 6 though. This is what he is facing. You cannot downplay this because you want the baby.
We all agree he's reacted badly but he is likely totally shitting himself and out of his depth.
You have such a limited view of him this is quite sad, you do not know him. Your kids barely know him and he's not a parent or father figure in any way shape or form. It's a big leap.

This is why women with children do not introduce men quickly because it's easy to play with little kids but it's a whole different story being a parent and a decent partner. You need to remove him from their lives immediately until you know he can be trusted to behave in an adult way. It would be irresponsible of you to continue to socialise them together having seen his reaction now. He doesn't love you kids like you do. You are rushing your feelings for him and playing house way too fast with him.

I don't think anyone anti children would stay with a person who had three children

He's not staying with you. You've known each other 2.5 months. There is zero commitment at this stage. As evidenced by the fact he's ready to walk at the first sign of a problem.

He's never stepped out of line with anything until now

That's only a matter of weeks. You're even in the honeymoon period with no reason for him to step out of line. He hasn't been put the test until now.

Having said that, he had no right to shout at me and accuse me of doing this purposely

He is immature at best. You are seeing the real him now. Under pressure, is when a person's true character is revealed.

Right now I'm in two minds and torn in half about absolutely everything. It's the hardest situation I've been in

So sorry for you. Wish I could help more. There is certainly no easy answer to this. You need some time out to think. Please stop having him round to spend the night so he can yammer away at you. You need space to think while you still have time.

Like I said, dated a man last year for nine months and wouldn't have dreamt of introducing him to my DC. This relationship has moved undeniably quickly, granted but it's always been very intense and full on from the beginning. We basically wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. ExH only has DC 24 hours a week and after a few weeks that wasn't enough. But I agree he's nowhere near stepfather material, not at all. He's just my friend to them that has sleepovers at the weekend, that's all.

I don't want to seem like some kind of irresponsible parent that would introduce her DC to any tom, dick or Harry. I wouldn't have done it had I not thought of him and indeed us as solid. But yes, his reaction to this whole thing has proven to me that he's not who I thought he was and that you cannot possibly know even the slightest thing about someone's true character so soon.

I understand why he's petrified and yes, I empathise completely with men in his situation. I have told him he doesn't have to stick around if he doesn't want to although the thought of him running is gut wrenching but I'd understand it.

Where were your three children when he was shouting at you?

Op - you sound incredibly impulsive. 27 yrs old, married, divorced three kids, new relationship where he is living in the house for four or five weeks already despite the dcs only meeting him six weeks ago. You sound like someone who is very motivated by instant gratification. Have you thought that you need to just slow down a bit and take things at a more sedate pace. Find a boyfriend who has his own place, where you visit when dcs with their dad. Take your time, get to know them for a year or so.. then if all goes well slowly introduce to your dcs..then maybe 6 months after that live together...THEN if it is what you BOTH want, have another baby. You still wouldn't even be 30 . Life isn't a race that needs completing at breakneck speed.

At school.

I think you have been swept up together in this big romance and now reality is setting in. It's what you do now that really matters. Don't have him sleeping over when kids home with these convos, don't have him around the kids as if all is normal this is confusing for them if it is over. Ask your mum to babysit for a while and go out to talk. This means sex is less likely. Neutral ground. This is the right path to take

He doesn't live with us. He spends Friday evening- Monday morning here so half the week but he hasn't fully moved in, he isn't financially contributing in any way.

I agree we have moved too fast though. Although I didn't expect this baby to happen, obviously.

This really isn't the way a child should be brought into the world.

I also don't agree that he's a horrible POS.

People say they don't want to commit to marriage until they know each other well, yet a whole new life is being brought into the world based on a couple of months.

I'm not entirely surprised about the way he feels. It might equally be a shock to you, but you seem to have embraced the idea... Perhaps because he's been the most decent man you've dated since your marriage ended.

... And he's not really a DP at this stage... Just a boyfriend. Some people haven't even had the 'exclusive' talk at this stage.

think I'd want to run far away in his position.

And you hope his parents should talk sense into him...? Meaning he should come round to the idea of being happy about becoming father and, when you guys don't know each other.

He's on the verge of dumping you because you are having his baby - there's no way I'd still be having sex with this man.

Protect your heart, OP! Your emotions are in turmoil. You don't need to complicate things further.

OP I think you need some counselling to support you whilst you make this decision. I'm surprised that you are still having sex him.

I'm not sure how this relationship can survive regardless of your decision. It's worrying how you think he's going to change his mind and become super dad from only a few weeks of knowing each other. Unfortunately I don't think this situation is going to have a fairytale ending and you need some support as you make these decisions. Your other DC need you more than this guy.

I'm not even remotely surprised he feels shocked, terrified, downright petrified and so on. I'm not surprised he doesn't want this, not at all. I'm not surprised he thinks it's a bad decision and isn't ideal for either of us RN. I don't blame him for feeling those feelings.

I blame him for the way he's made me feel with his reactions. For reducing me to tears and making me feel completely alone and scared, for backing me into a corner and making me feel forced to make a decision I'm not convinced I want to make.

I completely understand why he feels the way he does, I'm not rubbishing his thought process or feelings whatsoever. All I'm hurting over is the way he's gone about it.

If he were someone I'd merely dated for a couple of months as in we hung out on a Saturday night, had drinks, had sex and that was it then yes I wouldn't feel it were remotely serious. But He stays at mine half the week, we were 'official' within a week, he's the first man I've even allowed in my home let alone near my children.

I don't know. I feel lost enough without having to justify my relationship status too

We have two holidays planned and a wedding abroad in the next few months as well which is further adding to the stress.

I could have written a similar post a couple of years ago. First relationship having been separated for 3 years, head over heels, sex great, in love, fiery but that was all part of the intensity blah blah, introduced to my two young dc (with hindsight wish I hadn't, thank god it hasn't left scars 😳)

Until I fell pregnant three months in. Initially he was happy, then after a week he got the collywobbles about it and I realised by having a baby with him I would be gaining not one but two extra children - one of them a newborn the other being 46 years old.

But I ploughed on thinking 'but love will see us through' 'how hard can it be my other two are so lovely' etc

One night after he had started an argument (brought on by him shitting himself that he would be a father within 6 months) and I was pleading with him not to leave me (yet again) he said the killer line 'I think I need to speak to my mum and find out what she thinks '

And I just thought fuck, this guy is a bell end. I have two lovely kids I can support, why the heck am I thinking this is a good idea to give them a sibling whose father is a dickhead, who may or may not support me, who is ambivalent about its existence, who relies on his mum to tell him what to do, who would probably walk in and out of our lives endlessly causing stress, also just having a baby would mean I cannot continue in the job I love which would put their home in jeopardy.

It was a lightbulb moment and the following day I booked in for a termination. I cried over it because I did, and would still love, to have more DC, but I will never regret it.

Prioritise the children you have. This guy goes not love you and clearly does not want to have a baby with you. Unless you are either mega rich or on 100% secured benefits (must be one of the two, sorry) this has financial/ emotional disaster written all over it.

Just 'wanting' or 'feeling' you need a baby isn't always enough, not when as a single parent you already have three other DC to consider.

I worry that you are doing the whole thing of not wanting to lose the dream or what you have already invested in him. It's the sunken fallacy thing

You have to take this back to basics now. It is worth looking at how you got here so fast to stop you rushing in again, but it's what happens from now on that is important protecting yourself and the DC which you aren't able to do if you are blinded by love and the dazzle of an amazing committed future.

I think counselling about your decisions and future relationships would be very beneficial to you, OP.

If you truly love someone you stay with them through thick and thin.

After @75 days in a relationship that's a big ask.

So after two and a half months, he's met your children, been staying half the week with you and you have two holidays planned!

Some self reflection for future relationships would be worthwhile.

You guys went from 0 to 60 in no time. Especially considering you have children

He sounds very immature. Even if he flip flopped back in favour you'd have no guarantees he wouldn't flip flop back again. What is there to suggest he'd be useful in any way - is capable of being a father to four children?

How mature is he, how mature are his friends, what life stage is he at, what life stage are they at? Honestly, even having one child at 27 is a big thing to deal with when you don't really know the person. But this would be an instant family of four. It would be a lot for a mature, thoughtful guy to take on. Is he really capable of stepping up to the bat? When he's making jokes about you being fat at a wedding then shouting at your for trapping him?

I really feel for you as this is an awful position to be in and you didn't plan it. I can see you're trying to see things from his perspective and also being a bit more realistic about where you are really at in terms of a relationship. I think that's important because aside from the way he has spoken to you - accusing you of trapping him, shouting etc which is obviously completely unacceptable - this is just a difficult, unplanned situation that neither of you wanted, and it's just that you have different feelings about it going ahead. You want the child, he doesn't. Once you take the emotion out of it (obviously easier said than done, but worth trying) it will make it easier to make decisions and plans.

What a tough situation. I see it from both sides.

OP - caught up in a whirlwind romance with someone who seems like the perfect guy, you must have expected him to be happy which makes his reaction all the more difficult to take.

BF - caught up in a whirlwind romance, blind to the realities of parenthood (and dating a single mum) brought down to earth with a thud when the 98% effective contraception fails.

No one is to blame here but this will not have a happy ending for either of you. Some tough decisions and conversations ahead...

My ds father accused me of planning it when we had a contraceptive fail. I instantly knew I'd keep it, saw it as a baby immediately.
Conversely, I recently had a termination. New partner. I didn't see it as a baby, weirdly. I saw it as this mistake, my body had failed me, I refused to see it as anything more than a bunch of cells. Ones that were causing me immediate health problems. Oh I went back and forth, specially when I had a scan and they said I was too early for the abortion. I suddenly panicked, saw it as my ds' sibling. My dp was freaked out, I had pressure from all angles. In the end, I put my body (I reeeeeally don't cope with pregnancy well, medically speaking) and my existing kids first.
I don't regret my decisions. To keep my ds who is my entire world with his brother... or to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.

I've been there once before with a termination and it was horrific and I've never gotten over it. I was bullied into it and wish I'd never gone ahead. Don't be like me for that. Let it be your decision whatever you do.
You'll have regrets either way. It was unplanned. But don't let him sway you because it's what he wants. Let it be the right thing for you. Please.