Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

[Toddzoid]

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four?

You forgot the wedding abroad Charlie.

Would have been helpful if the OP had explained she was a trustafarian from the outset. Funny how you're worthy of Jeremy Kyle if you're in poverty but not if you're supported by the bank of mum and dad

You forgot the wedding abroad Charlie oh I missed that one, admittedly I've skimmed rather reading the entire goady scenario

My mum says what she's always said, that it's my life and she'll always support me no matter what but she strongly advised whatever decision I make, to ditch him. She said he sounds emotionally unstable

Your mother sounds very sensible.

Why was my post deleted? It was a response to this post by the OP: "You're right about it being a whirlwind romance, dually noted. Never had one before, was with ExH four years before we got married and had DC. Feel like I'm coming across as some irresponsible dickhead that belongs on Jeremy Kyle  .

I'm not ultra wealthy a la George Osborne but I have enough to get by comfortably."

Speaking about my children reacting negatively to this situation is all manners of odd to me. They've even asked me numerous times for a baby brother in the past

Yes, but they're only young children themselves. The decision can't be based on this. They probably want to have an elephant as a pet when they've been to the zoo as well (or was that just me?!) - they have no idea what they're asking.

Whilst they'd welcome the idea of a new baby, they don't realise the implications of this. Especially a sibling who has a different father who is hostile to the idea of the baby's existence. The father may not bother for years but then may suddenly want to get involved, causing disruption all round.

You said one of your children (the middle one?) is going through testing times at the moment. I can't see that your attention going towards a new baby is going to help their situation.

I am not saying this to influence you. I think you need to listen to your heart. Of course, you can make this work if that's what you want. But I also think people's concerns about your children's reaction have some merit.

Why was my post deleted? How did what I said break talk guidelines? I merely said that the OP is in an unusual position now in being comfortably able to support 4 children, afford multiple holidays etc. when from what she says she has started a family at a time in her life when most of us are still in full time education and she's then had 3 periods of maternity leave at the time when most of us are gaining a foothold on the career ladder. That is an unusual situation to be in and I cannot understand how mentioning it is in any way offensive.

It's clear you want this baby and you shouldn't let anyone force you to change what you want. It very much sounds like the BF is starting to be nice and wanting to come over as he suspects you will change your mind. I wouldn't let him come over though and risk an argument waking the children. From his reaction it's clear you don't really know him or how he could react if you tell him you're not changing your mind. Can you meet him in a local cafe when kids at school? Just be careful.
It sounds like the baby will have a loving home and 3 loving siblings. I had my first child at 16, I had known his father a similar amount of time - he pretended he would stick around but I knew he wouldn't. I knew I'd be going it alone. I was put under a great deal of pressure, mainly by my mother who begged me to have an abortion - even threatened me she would do something silly. Everyone eventually came round. He's 23 now and yes he does feel very rejected by his fathers lack of interest but that's a tiny part of his life, he has many people who love him - and his greatest fan from birth was his grandmother who begged me to abort him. Your BF might later want to be involved but even if he doesn't you will be fine - I was and I didn't have a house, income etc. I made it work and so will you. Just make sure it's your decision no matter what. Lots of love for what lies ahead

I fell pg with Dd1 aged 19. Just started Uni studying a very demanding degree so it was far from ideal. My exDp begged me to terminate when I was ten weeks. I can honestly say that I never, ever considered a termination. I told him that I understood if he didn't want to be a father and I wouldn't hold it against him, but I was continuing this pregnancy with or without him.

He stayed. And when I brought it up later down the line he said he'd been partly testing me to see how serious I was about the pg.

I think in your shoes I would tell him that you've definitely decided to keep the baby (even if you haven't) then sit back and watch his reaction. It's then that his true nature will come through.

He will get you to terminate then he will go.

Don't have the wedding abroad - have the christening on the beach in the Caribbean instead ...

Some people on here on far too judgemental, people fall pregnant without it being planned, I have total respect for you for wanting to keep the baby, personally I couldn't go through an abortion no matter the scenario (I understand why people do and am not judging each person has different feelings) and I think you are doing the right thing keeping the baby!

Yes he is going to be in your lives for 18 years or so, but so is an amazing beautiful little baby; you have survived as a mum of 3 what's an extra child, I know it will be harder and all that but also extra cuddles and extra love!! He shouldn't be pushing you into an abortion you are carrying a baby....your choice OP! I hope you have the baby

Dear OP,

I wanted to let you know about my own story which is similar to yours. The only difference is that I was 38 when I fell pregnant with my first child, my ex was the same age (didn't have any other children) and we were together for 4 months, so not long either. However, we discussed wanting children and he said he did want one. We didn't use protection on holiday and I fell pregnant. We both knew exactly what we were doing. He reacted is EXACTLY the same way as your (Ex?) did I was horrified.

I disagree with what a lot of people have said on here. If two people mutually have sex, they have to accept they are taking a risk (even with protection) that they could have a baby. I know we all enjoy having sex, but let's not forget it's main purpose (whether we like it or not) is to make a baby. You take that risk every single time. So don't be surprised or shocked by the outcome.

Like my ex, he has shown his true colours so get rid of his ASAP.

I went ahead and had my daughter, she is my world. We have a great life together, I work/provide for her and we're about to buy our own little home together. Her father is not involved financially and does not see her. It's much better that way. I have the full support of my family and they baby sit whenever I need a break or want to go out.

It took me about 2-3 weeks to decide what to do (my ex also demanded I have an abortion) but I think I knew straight away what I wanted to do.

It's such a personal thing and it's your body. If you are able to financially capable of bringing up this child on your own (?) then it's possible to do. But like other people have said, you need to have a really hard think about what is best for your other children.

Good luck, I know it's a horrible situation to be in x

Giving birth should not be based on what mum wants. It should be based on doing the responsible thing.

The responsible thing is to be aware that having sex sometimes results in a baby and being prepared to take responsibility for that. Men do have a choice about whether to be fathers. They make that choice when they decide to have intercourse with a woman. You can't trap a man into being a father unless you remove his sperm from his body without his consent and inseminate yourself with it.

OP I think you need to take his views out of the equation altogether. Chances are you aren't going to be in a long term relationship with him, whatever you decide.

You need to make this decision based on what is right for you. That, of course will have an knock-on effect on your children. You and they are the ones who will live with the long term consequences of what you decide. If this is already a baby in your head and a termination will mean you feel like you have ended the life of your own child, it is unlikely to be the best decision for your other children.

Don't do anything because he does or doesn't want you to. Don't let his views cloud your judgement. Think about the effects each outcome could have on you and make the best decision you can based on that.

Whatever your decision, always remember, it was the best one you could make at the time and nobody, including you, can ever say you were wrong.

This is your body.

If you truly love someone you stay with them through thick and thin
But Todd, you're confusing lust/infatuation for love. You can't be in love with someone you don't know well and 2.5 months is not long enough to know someone. You are still very much in the heady, hormonal honeymoon period, but it's not real love. I've had plenty of relationships where in the first few weeks I was convinced we'd never split up, that we were "in love", but at around 3 months the rose coloured glasses slipped and we'd split up. And the way you speak about your relationship ("He's never stepped out of line with anything until now" when he's only been with you a while and only been playing happy families for 4-5 weeks!) makes it sound like you're actually pretty emotionally immature when it comes to men, sorry.

And obviously having unprotected sex - he's not 12 - he knows what he was doing. And this is the consequence
Wingsofdesire, they weren't having unprotected sex (unless OP was careless with her pill taking and didn't tell him). He used condoms when they first met, then after they'd both had STI checks they decided the pill was all they'd use.

People say they don't want to commit to marriage until they know each other well, yet a whole new life is being brought into the world based on a couple of months. I'm not entirely surprised about the way he feels
Totally agree.

So after 2.5 months, OP has been allowing this man spend weekends with her kids... and that she and the man are STILL having sex despite how she knows he doesn't want children with her and doesnt intend to stay with her.

Think about your kids and what your decisions could do to them. They are young now but not for long. You've brought a stranger into their lives very quickly and you'll be setting them up to have him in their lives forever.

Most kids love babies (of all kinds) - doesn't mean you should be giving them more babies. Most people don't want an abortion - they have to rationalize what is right for their family. For me, this will be one big dodged bullet and I would be learning from this mistake.

It is still just a clump of cells. The longer you leave it, the more or changes.

Please do NOT base your decision on the idea your children "love babies" - having a 5 minute cuddle with your teachers cute sleepy new baby is completely different from being woken several times a night by a screaming one/having a toddler destroying your favourite things/being made to babysit your much younger sibling when you want to be out with your friends etc.
Just like for you, the image of a cute baby is very different from the reality of another growing, demanding human being in your home - you know they don't stay cute babies for very long and to make a decision based on "they would love a baby" is very immature.

You can't trap a man into being a father unless you remove his sperm from his body without his consent and inseminate yourself with it.
You can if you lie about being on hormonal contraception when you arent or say youre on the pill and then dont take it properly.

E.g. 1 Family member was using the pill with his long term partner and they had an oopsie baby. For them it just brought their time frame forward. He knew she could be a bit scatterbrained but as kids werent a total 'no' they took their chances. Hapoy oopsie all round.

E.g.2. Friend didnt want kids but brought his timeframe forward for wife, figured a year earlier wasnt going to make a massive difference for him but would make her day. TTC and Baby 1 arrived. All very happy. He did not want baby 2 for a while. Wife was pushing and pushing for baby 2. Then despite being 'on the pill' suddenly baby 2 arrives.Loves his daughter to bits and would have wanted baby 2 later but to this day part of him thinks his mrs was deliberatly not taking them properly so they could have a happy oopsie.

But in this case the OP didn't lie, sounds like she was on the pill and it failed.

Maisy, if a man does not want to be trapped then quite simply don't leave it in the hands of the woman. And as I have said before if you decide to have sex with or without protection, you take the risk each and every time that you could potentially fall pregnant. Afterall isn't that what sex fundamentally is meant for? If a man is not adult enough to take responsibility for his actions he shouldn't be having sex.

Would we say to a woman "you got pregnant because the condom split, its your own fault for not having the coil/implant"?
I dont think people would say that. Everytime a thread thay comes up like that people are quick to blame the man for not insisting on a condom.
If a man has been told by a woman "we dont need condoms becauae weve both been tested and ik on the pill" then thats perfectly reasonable. We cant turn round to him and say 'you must be up for a baby'.

It doeant sound like the OP did trap the guy. But i can see why he may feel that way.

You are missing the point. The issue is not about who is to blame for the pregnancy/birth control. As two mutually consenting adults who both chose to have sex, they BOTH should take responsibility for the fact a baby might be conceived. This is something he is not doing. From what I can see this isn't a thread about 'blaming men' it's about taking responsibility in a mature and sensitive way for your actions.

If you don't like it, then don't have sex. That works for men and women.

But he is saying "we were using contraception because we did not want a baby" and people are having at go at him for not being excited at the prospect of having a baby with a woman hes dated 2.5 months.
The OP is the one who has changed her mind from 'i dont want a baby with this person to i want a baby'.
He's responded badly to the situation no question about it. But the OP suddenly turned into "this is a wonderful baby" when its like 3 weeks after conception. Though she has been reflective since.

Its a tricky situation that they both need to figure out together but saying that he should have used a condom if he didnt want a baby (like people have, when theyd never tell a woman who had a condom break that she should have had the implant/coil etc) is just unhelpful

I don't see really anyone having a go at him for not being excited about having a baby. I get it that he isn't ready for the commitment of a child after such a short amount of time and also the possibility of having to be a father figure for 3 other children. It's a huge commitment and something I probably wouldn't want either.

However he has responded badly to the situation. Like I said if he doesn't like it then don't have sex and take the risk. It's simple biology.

The right to choose is about a woman deciding NOT to go through with a pregnancy.
Fucking what?! Women can choose as long as they do what you want? No, no, that's not what choice is about. It's not feminism. It's not equality. This perspective is no different to those who want to do away with our right to abortion.

The responsible thing is to be aware that having sex sometimes results in a baby and being prepared to take responsibility for that. Men do have a choice about whether to be fathers. They make that choice when they decide to have intercourse with a woman. You can't trap a man into being a father unless you remove his sperm from his body without his consent and inseminate yourself with it

This, this. He made his choice when he went to bed with you. All contraception can fail.

How are you doing now OP?

FWIW I think it's totally understandable that you got swept into a relationship, it's normal and human. I have had two serious relationships - one being DH - and both I have known right away that they were serious. Moved in with DH after 3 months. 8 years later, still together. It happens and no one should make you feel less than for your humanity. I'm sorry this relationship hasn't worked out as you'd hoped. Next time lucky I hope.

Good luck with making your decision, I always follow my heart and find it leads to better decisions than trying to rationalise things. Sometimes the "wrong" decision on paper turned out to be the right decision.