Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

[Toddzoid]

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four?

Unless he's 100% in, then he's out

Yes, yes 100% yes to that.

Tell him he isn't tied to you and the baby at all, but that the one thing you will not do is to have an abortion, because it is simply completely against every instinct you have, and you will not do it.

Just say that every time it comes up.

After 12 weeks, he will either stop and accept it and stay - and it may be ok. Or he will go or will already have gone.

Do NOT let him tell you what to do with this. Well, he can tell you, but there is absolutely no obligation to do it. And actually it would be illegal as wouldn't fit the wording of the Abortion Bill. So you can't have an abortion.

Really. You'd have to lie and two doctors would have to lie. Don't do it. The law as it is supposed to be applied is actually on your side.

I can understand you don't want an abortion. As others have said, nobody wants an abortion they do it because it's the right choice for their family and circumstances. Regardless you need to get rid of this excuse for a man. As the mumsnet saying goes - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He may have been shocked but the anger and accusations show you who he is, and it's not someone I'd want to be tied to or involved with and affecting the lives of my children.

For me it wouldn't just be about being saddled to the fuckwit of a father for life, it would also be about what life with 4 DC by 2 fathers would be like. I don't like the idea of sending three in my kids off to see their dad, leaving one behind whose father may be absent or totally unreliable. I'd worry about how that may create a sense of division between siblings and affect DC4's self esteem. Also if you had DC4 and the dad decides he wants to be involved, how much of an impact will that have on your family time - potential for weekends where always some of your kids are missing spending time with their dad. Potential conflict over Xmas and birthday presents where the older three are treated differently by their dad (better or worse) than DC4.

How do you feel having DC4 would be received by your three children? Are you confident you can give all of them the emotional support they need, give them all the opportunity for pursuing their own interests, having their own friends round and going to their friends' houses? Difficult enough to juggle with my two, let alone 4 where you may have dads interfering and letting you down regarding pick ups / drop offs - or worse one dad being a good parent and one absent or arsehole father.

And obviously having unprotected sex - he's not 12 - he knows what he was doing. And this is the consequence. And you shouldn't be forced into an abortion because of him.

But an army of MNetters will now respond that you should have the abortion anyhow to be rid of him.

They are very pro-abortion on here, a lot of them.

Don't listen if you don't feel like that. It isn't the 'sensible' option. It's not sensible if it's absolutely your worst nightmare. So go with your own instinct.

I have seen more that people are saying what they would do. Also there are some misconceptions about terminations and how you feel afterwards. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. That's all. Everyone is individual though
Regardless, either decision stays with you

No one has told OP to terminate, but they've said what they would do and why. Some of us have been in OP's position both ways and can give further insight.

You are, of course, entitled to do what you want with the pregnancy but I think it is unfair to blame him for his reaction. You both had trust in the contraception method. A contraceptive that is designed to stop pregnancy. So the pregnancy was unwanted. It was a contraception that he trusted you to take (and you did) but from his perspective he only has your word for it. As other pointed out, he doesnt really know you. And you didnt know him and now you do.

He is scared for his future and that has stressed him and you can now see what his is like under stress. Not the person you thought you knew for less than 90 days. You are expecting him to react like a person dedicated to loving and supporting you in all your decisions. How can you expect this of someone you dont know?

He is wrong to demand you have an abortion but he isnt wrong to tell you exactly how he feels. The last thing this situation needs is someone lying.

I've been here but in a longer term relationship where we had discussed wanting children. I'd come off the pill 6 months earlier and discussed this with him. Not to conceive particularly but because it makes me feel like shit. He 'forgot' all about the conversation and I became pregnant.

He behaved the same, manipulation, control, threats etc until I hadn't got a clue where to go with it. I ended up going to a clinic with a view to getting an abortion, whilst I'm completely pro choice the thought killed me. It was a bit of a test to myself tbh. I have no children and I honestly don't think I could have gone through with it had they not found that there was no hearbeat.

Despite all that I'm glad I don't have him in my life. I saw a side of him that horrified me, we couldn't have made the relationship work because we so strongly believed what we wanted was right nobody would win. If I was still pg (which I still would be) he'd still have an element of control despite me giving him an option of NC and not wanting anything from him. My emotions ruled at the time which is in no way wrong but I can see objectively now that my life is a lot better without him in my life - ever again. And that did involve not having the baby I wanted so much.

Nobody can tell you what to do. Don't hesitate to ask your gp for help though. Mine was fantastic at being an impartial ear for me to cry to and referred me to counselling to get my head on a bit straighter.

Wingsoflife

Pro-abortion?

Reported.

Personally I would terminate and then dump him. He's shown his true colours, he's a nasty piece of work. Do you really want to be tied to him forever more?

I do feel for you op, what a difficult position to be in.

There aren't any perfect answers unfortunately, whatever you decide will be hard all you can do is consider what will be best for your family (as in you and your children not your partner, I think you need to count him out whatever happens.)

I am a single parent to four children. I absolutely love them, but it's hard. It's really, really hard. I work full time but have to accept they will not have the life I would wish for them. Which is not to say we are unhappy but it takes everything I have just to keep a basic life for them - even working full time in a decent enough job it's Hand to mouth all the time. Always a step away from it all unravelling - the washing machine broke not long ago and it took a couple of months to scrape together the money to replace it. Hence hand washing piles of uniform etc. It's like walking a tightrope all the time, and it's exhausting, because it's not just a little while - as others have said it's decades. I love my children to bits, but this isn't a life I would choose for my daughters.

You also need to consider your hopes and dreams for yourself. What do you want out of life? An interesting job or career? Travel? A lovely partner? Some time for yourself? A big family?

Is a 4th child compatible with what you want from life?

I know this might sound selfish but you deserve happiness too xxx

I've spoken to him a little tonight, he's coming around tomorrow evening to talk things through in person again without shouting, bitching or performing.

I basically said to him "if I keep the baby will you leave me and the baby and never see or speak to us again?" He said he can't answer that as he doesn't know right now.
I asked if he'd stay with me if I had an abortion, he said "yes and I'd support you right throughout it."

So basically he will 'love' me and stay with me if I do what he wants .

He's making his relationship with you conditional on you having an abortion.

So at least you know where you stand.

You need to take control of this situation and do what's best for you and your 3 kids, keep your boyfriend out of the equation cos your relationship is over whatever you decide.

He doesn't seem to see how he is being inconsiderate at best...

If you truly love someone you stay with them through thick and thin. You don't only stay with them on your own terms, if they follow your rules. So I'm questioning everything. I also told my mother and she mirrors the majority of views on here, that he's an arsehole and I should show him the door.

It's not a walk in the park raising my three DC. The middle one in particular is quite testing. I also can't imagine going through the newborn days alone... it was difficult enough when exH was around! So I absolutely know a baby isn't the best idea right now probably for anyone, the perspective child included. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I'm swaying towards abortion but at the same time, this baby is wanted... but only by one parent .

OP regardless of you 'DP ' being an ass and not wanting to share any responsibility, you may also have to consider the potential of his parents/siblings etc in yours/your child's life. They might be thrilled, then again it's not their life, it's yours and your DC that will be mostly affected by any change.

I think whatever happens he has shown his true self. Anything he promises now will be to just get you to have an abortion and you can't trust him.
With regards to the abortion it is a personal decision that only you can make. There are some very unsympathetic responses on here. It is easy to say get rid of it but this isn't them in the situation, it is you.
I wouldn't meet with him. Not until you have made up your mind.

He doesn't love you, the stress of this has shown that. Love isn't all about the good bits it's exactly about what happens when you hit a shit patch. You feel infatuated in a brand new relationship, not a deep bond to each other so it will be easier to walk away - just not for you because you want him to help you bring up the baby. He's perfectly right to question whether you want HIM or him to help with the baby so you aren't alone. You are also perfectly right to question the fact he only wants you if you do what he wants.

Neither of you are right or wrong. It's just how each of you feels and they don't match.
Him being nasty to you was wrong. It shows him in a very bad light.

He's been clear about what he wants so now you need to be clear about what you want, not hope he will come round to suddenly changing his mind

'He will stay with you if you gave an abortion', you have been together a couple of months, you don't know that things will work out and the fact he has bribed you into having an abortion will tear you apart. If I was you I would do what you really want to do and keep the baby. You only really have 2 options but both mean that this relationship won't work.

Last night I was crystal clear. The conversation actually started very rationally. He went through a list of con's he'd thought up and declared an abortion would be the best option for everyone involved because of said con's. I said I completely understood his concerns and was with him all the way on it but that I personally couldn't bring myself to abort, couldn't see that being something I could do.

That's when he started flipping really. He was begging and pleading with me "not to do it to him", "not to ruin his life", "why would you do this to me?" Etc . This continued on a weird cycle between having sex, him joking about baby names and also joking that I'd be fat for a wedding we're both attending in July. He'd be ok then he'd suddenly flip. This morning he was fine with me until just before he was due to leave for work when he started shouting at me until I cried, accusing me of trapping him and such forth.

You've got such a difficult decision to make, OP! I don't envy you and I've never been in your position. I don't have children either. But I will make this post anyway in the hopes it will help you in some way.

I'm glad you have your mother to confide in and support you IRL.

I hope your partner does not display the same awful behaviour when he comes round tomorrow. Let's hope it was only due to shock. But two strikes and he's out.

IF you decided on abortion (for your own reasons, not as a result of being bullied by this man) would you want to carry on with him? Knowing he likely wouldn't have supported you in having the baby?

IF you did carry on the relationship, do you think he could cope with being a stepfather to your children? He sounds very anti-children indeed. He doesn't even want his own child, at least not right now. Could he cope with your children, do you think?

What I am trying to establish is, do you think he sees you all as one package? Or does he just want to pursue a good time with you and he isn't really taking the reality of your three children into account?

I agree with the pp who said that he will likely promise anything now just to secure an abortion. He may drop you after he has achieved this aim. I really don't know. Only you know him - or at least you thought you did until the other day!

I would be very very careful in factoring him into your decision.

Assume you'll be doing this on your own. Then decide. Get any counselling you can in order to help you decide. Write out the pros and cons and try and get your head straight about this.

There is no doubt that having an abortion would be easier in practical terms - plus if you split with the guy you never have to see him again, etc. Money will be easier. No more newborn stuff.

If you are very against abortion, I think that could override practical decisions. Practical stuff can always be worked out in the end - no babies would be born if we waited for the perfect circumstances.

Time is still on your side to think this through.

This continued on a weird cycle between having sex

please don't be still having sex with this man!

He is beginning to sound unhinged, the more you talk about him.

Remember you still barely know him.

I think you are all mixed-up right now. Please be careful!!!!

No more sex

Like I said before, he's either 100% in or he's out. You and the kids deserve more than scraps

He doesn't want a child, let alone 4. He doesn't want to be tied down. If you want it, have it, but accept it'll be alone and it will have lots of repercussions. You have two choices so there's a lot of responsibility on your shoulders to make a wise decision.

You're the one that will be doing the hard work of bringing another child up, delaying or perhaps missing out on a career, possibly affecting the equilibrium of your children's lives, giving up on the chance of a possible future relationship with someone else. If you think that's worth it then have the baby, but it'll be very hard.

You say he won't stay with you unless it's on his terms, but you're insisting on your terms also. Your views on this are poles apart and that's that, I can't see him doing a U-turn.

From his point of view I can see where he's coming from - he would be the one financially responsible for a family of six for at least a few years, if not for longer. That's a big responsibility for a 27 year old that's working on his career. Too much to ask in my opinion. I don't think he fully realised the responsibilities that come with going out with a mother of three children and because of his immaturity he really shouldn't have started this up - or it should have been kept to a fun thing without you introducing your children to him so soon without a solid foundation and a clear future.

As an adult sometimes hard decisions have to be made. If you make the wrong one it's not just you living with it, your children will be affected too. If you decide to keep it good luck and I'm sure you'll make it work on your own.