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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

247 replies

Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 14:01

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four? Sad

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 30/03/2017 15:08

Ultimately only you know your circumstances and support network. But the baby has already been made, it's not hypothetical so give careful thought to your decision (as I'm sure you would). Your other children are all at school or nearly there so you would potentially have time to spend with the new baby and of course they would love it, kids do!

olderthanyouthink · 30/03/2017 15:14

First, he is shit. He covered it well for a short time but that's gone now.

Second, plan your life without him. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Third, Cake.

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 15:15

BonnyScotland - no, you have to know someone to fall in love with them. You can certainly feel as though you're in love, but if you hardly know them it's like being in love with a singer or an actor. The OP is now seeing his true character and she doesn't love that.

Isadora2007 · 30/03/2017 15:17

"A bit of me can understand his reaction, it's so early in a relationship that's barely got off the ground, I'm not surprised he's panicked."

Wtf? He has a good understanding of sex and reproduction how it works so surely he bears equal responsibility for contraception? If he doesn't want to be a father, in the words of the esteemed Jezza Kyle, he should have put something on the end of it! Not thrown a tantrum and been an aggressive prick.

Slow clap 👏🏻 all round for the female solidarity shown here to the OP. Thank feck you are all clearly such responsible adults.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 15:17

If you continue with this pregnancy, you (and your existing children) will probably have this man in your lives for the next 18 years, likely more.

Many, many couples find themselves in a similar situation (too soon into the relationship to bring a child into the world, perhaps still studying or at a critical point in their careers), terminate the pregnancy and then start their family in later years. Big difference of course is that the decision to terminate is a mutual one.

weatherbomb · 30/03/2017 15:21

OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself unsupported in this situation by this man. Regardless of anything, he needs to go NOW. He should not be around you DC and I personally would terminate to ensure he remained completely out of my life though I do understand here you are coming from and probably would've felt similarly at your age. You are very young (yes I'm an old lady at 47) and there is so much time to meet someone who is everything you want in a grown up rather than waste your time on a manchild.
Please bear in mind that you really do not know this man. He may also make your life extremely difficult, speaking as a person who has 3 DC with exh who makes my life a living misery despite me being virtually NC. Relentless trips to court when he's not getting his own way - I thought I knew this idiot for 9yrs!!! The stress and upheaval on my family is horrendous. I know that's a bit 'worse case scenario' but you need to consider everything from someone who steps up (doesn't sound like it) to someone who will make it his lifes work to bring as much disruption and pain to all your lives as he possibly can.
Think very long and hard about your choices. You are still very young and have your hands full although I agree that adding another little bundle to the mix is no problem when you have 3. For you Flowers

RyanStartedTheFire · 30/03/2017 15:24

Slow clap 👏🏻 all round for the female solidarity shown here to the OP. Thank feck you are all clearly such responsible adults.
I'd been with my ex for less than OP when I got pregnant and kept my daughter. He's a world class prick that did similar to OP's OH. Would I recommend it to anyone? Fuck no. If I had my time again I'd have chosen a different option. I love my daughter, but I am tied to a horrendous man for the rest of my life. It's easy to be short sighted in this scenario.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/03/2017 15:30

I know what I'd do.
But this is YOU - your body and your choice.
Yes you will be a single mum to 4 kids.
How will this impact your 3 DC if you go ahead?
How will it impact you and them financially?
Do you know how much your 'D'P earns?
How much maintenance he would have to pay.
Are you ready to have this man in your life for the next 2+ decades?

SandyY2K · 30/03/2017 15:31

I think the relationship is over either way. You abort and you'll resent him. You keep it and he'll resent you.

Having a child with a man you barely know isn't a wise idea and I imagine his reaction is out of fear. The fact that you appear happy about it, is probably what leads him to think it was your devious plan.

By having a child you're tying yourself to a man you barely know for at least the next 18 years.

His nastiness towards you, would be what lead me to terminate and end the relationship, as he's shown a horrible side of himself, even if he's shocked by it.

4 kids as a single parent and one resentful father isn't something I'd be looking forward to.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 15:35

Thank you so much for the advice, it really has been a huge help. I haven't known where to turn today as my best friend is working abroad so not contactable and I've just felt extremely lost so honestly, thank you Flowers.

I agree that the relationship is likely not going to survive either decision, not now I've seen his true ugly colours. It was almost as if he were purposely trying to show his absolute worst side so I'd be scared away from him and thus force a termination? That's honestly how it felt.

I agree we moved very quickly. He was only the third man I'd dated since it ended with ExH 2 years ago, one of those lasted nine months but I didn't introduce to my DC because I instinctively knew he wasn't a good person whereas my current DP seemed completely opposite. Even the fact he readily accepted the fact I had three DC, some men have turned away at that point.

It would transform all of our lives entirely and I've honestly considered absolutely everything from my current career to finances, to my three DC. It's not the responsible thing to do, by any stretch of the imagination and I accept that but still want the baby? I can't explain why... I just do and I think that may be reason enough to keep it?

OP posts:
ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 15:37

If OP was gently asking my friend, I'd be asking (gently) what her objections to terminating the pregnancy are. There are a lot of misconceptions (excuse the pun) surrounding abortion - Google will generally just return a ton of untruths spun by the prolife lobby, which doesn't help.

It would be incredibly unsupportive to not at least explore abortion as a possibility.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 15:39

If OP was my friend

Excuse the typo please Blush

Isadora2007 · 30/03/2017 15:39

Of course that is. And you don't even need to have a reason. It's your body and your baby. Congratulations. Flowers

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 15:40

I have no objections to abortion, I want to make that completely clear. I am 100% pro choice. It's not an objection to the act of abortion, I just personally don't feel it is right for me but given his reaction I'm now considering it a little more because as some of you have pointed out, the notion of being anchored to a resentful bitter man for 18 years doesn't exactly fill me with joy...

I've basically said if I abort I'm certain the relationship will end because I feel backed into a corner, through his lack of support and insistence that's what I do. So it's either that happens or I keep it and he gets used to the idea. He's said he needs time to think, I agree I need the same so we're giving each other space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 15:41

He was quite literally begging and pleading me to abort last night. I thought he was going to get on his hands and knees and beg...

OP posts:
Rednailsandnaeknickers · 30/03/2017 15:42

Personally I would not let my heart rule my head at this point, you're talking about loads of disruption to your current DC, this man being involved or not providing any support at all, your career being affected?
I'm sorry to say that "wanting" it wouldn't be enough of a reason for me - there's lots of things I "want" in life that really aren't the best/wisest/even possible choices for me and my family. I would terminate without a shadow of a doubt in your situation, and make sure any future partners use condoms. This is wise anyway for your sexual health - you could have picked up anything from him in the last 10 weeks.

MaisyPops · 30/03/2017 15:45

Why are people saying the partner took the risk by not using a condom?
Many couples use the pill. When taken corrcetly it is as effective as condoms. If a man believes his partner is on the pill then its not a cop out on his part.
Thr logic on here seems to be "you used an alternative birth control method but now its failed a guy should accept without question a baby because he didnt use a condom". Nobody ever says to a woman "you and your partnwr used a condom and so what if it split you should have used a coil/implant if you didnt want a baby"

If neither of you planned a baby and youre 2.5 months into a relationship I can see where he is coming from (hes wrong to accuse you of trapping him, but its not an unusual conclusion. Look at how many people on her TTC have used nothing for months, like me, and still no baby)
Its a big shock for you both and you need to discuss this calmly and rationally.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 15:45

We both got tested together before we agreed to stop using condoms. This never felt like a throwaway pointless relationship else I'd never ever have introduced him to my DC, not in a million years.

It's just been intense and rapid. We both probably got carried away in emotions. The more I think about it, the more I'm swaying towards abortion. It's really not what I want to do but I equally don't think it's fair to bring a baby into the world with an absent or resentful father.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/03/2017 15:46

If you do go through with an abortion this will be based on your decision, what is best for YOU and your kids.

Don't think of it as 'he's won'.

floraeasy · 30/03/2017 15:46

I know this doesn't help with your problem, OP, but I am betting this guy will ALWAYS wear a condom in the future!

Ooopsohdear · 30/03/2017 15:47

Another one here who went ahead with a pregnancy and is now tied to an abusive twat for 18 years. Think carefully Sad

RyanStartedTheFire · 30/03/2017 15:48

Todd I know exactly what you mean in the intensity and being swept away by the relationship. As I said upthread, I was the same with my ex. Flowers

Original poster
Toddzoid · 30/03/2017 15:48

We've agreed to give each other some space and time to mull over what the other one has said. I've said I'm going to heavily consider both options and come to a decision by Tuesday when I'll be five weeks along.

OP posts:
ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 30/03/2017 15:48

Fair enough, Todd.

FWIW my ex pleaded with me to have a termination (entirely different circumstances though) which I absolutely would not have gone through with. I was a lot older, it would have been my last chance etc etc. In the even I miscarried (this was years ago mind, no need for sympathy or anything) but rightly or wrongly I never, ever forgave him.

Msqueen33 · 30/03/2017 15:48

I think because you have kids and you see the end result it's tempting to keep. I'd be tempted in this case to not have the baby. The guy sounds like a bastard and you're tied to him for life. The fact he's begging you not to have the baby isn't supportive and shows you just what he's like.