Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

[Toddzoid]

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four?

After his reaction the only emotion I have towards him is resentment.

Unless he came to me in a couple of days after thinking more carefully about how he'd reacted and acted towards me and profusely apologised, I can't see that resentment ever lifting regardless of which outcome.

He's seriously let me down. I needed some support and caring for, instead he shouted at me and accused me and made me feel guilty for 'ruining his life'.

I've read a lot of threads on here over the years of mothers with hopeless fuckwits exPs. Ones who dick about with maintenance, and then let the kids down with contact, cancelling at the last minute and dropping them when something better comes along. Why tie yourself to this loser. You'll be fighting him for the next 18 years and having to pick up the pieces for your child.

You are only a few weeks along. In your situation I'd abort, and ditch him.

Good luck but either way I think you should end the relationship.

You need to assume he's not going to come around and plan for the future on that basis. This baby was not planned and he has told you he doesn't want it. You barely know each other and from his perspective, he's gone from a dad of zero to an almost dad of four in less than three months. I'm not excusing his reaction AT ALL - he's been really unpleasant. But he's a 27 year old guy and you barely know each other - it doesn't have happy ever after written all over it and you need to be realistic about how this could turn out.

Have you done the sums - could you afford it assuming he is minimally/barely involved? Or how could you make it work?

Keep the baby, lose the bloke. I agree. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.

He's shown his true colours and they arent nice.

Get CM from him and nothing else, through CSA if necessary.

TheCaptainsCat The trouble is it doesn't sound like the OP really has much of a relationship left, as I highly doubt he's likely to stick around if she keeps the child and if she does choose to have an abortion she'll forever resent him for it...it's a lose lose situation all round and a painful reminder of why it's worth getting to know someone properly before taking unnecessary risks.

He's not going to come around, and equally, you can't 'just lose him' as he is the father. You will end up stuck with an abusive twat for 18 years. I'd terminate and take a long break from dating and really examine myself to avoid another relationship like this. Focus on the 3 you've got.

In your situation I would abort. The new child would be the odd one out, the only one who is a half brother or half sister while your other children all share the same dad. If your other kids see their dad this one will be isolated as I don't think his or her dad is going to stick around. Also 4 children is going to be hard work as a single mum.

I know it sounds horrible but if I was only with someone 2.5 months and found out we were having a baby I would be gutted.

Ultimately the decision is yours. Best of luck

You wouldn't be taking on a baby as such (having a baby has nice connotations e.g. the newborn stage, something to cuddle and care for) but an additional dependent for 18 years.

That is one extra bedroom to find, extra set of clothes to buy (normal and school uniform), uni fees to help with, food.

What if the baby was born with additional needs? Are you not quite stretched as it is, having 3 kids on your own? Would the existing children get everything they need if you're stretching to a fourth?

I thought he was going to get on his hands and knees and beg...

You don't think there's any chance he has a GF do you?
His reaction is really extreme.

Not to mention the fact that the other three all have a Dad who pays and is involved, and this bloke is likely to do a runner. Baby will start asking who their Dad is.

Would you want to hear that your Dad was a 2.5 month fling, when your brothers and sisters get a visit every week?

Does his family know about you? His parents, siblings etc?

No, he doesn't have another girlfriend. Not unless she's not on Facebook so hasn't seen me all over his/is happy with him disappearing for half the week .

I haven't heard from him for a few hours now. He will likely contact me again but I don't know when and I don't know what he'll say. He was consulting with his parents last I heard . I just feel totally lost, he's really put me in an awful position where I feel totally isolated and uncared for.

I agree on the points about this child not having a father around and wondering why my three DC do. I'm swaying more and more towards termination and leaving him.

Yes, I've met them and him mine.

Have an abortion - it's an accidental pregnancy - they happen. Think about the kids you've already got. You've already half moved in and are having unprotected sex with a man you barely know who is actually a nasty piece of work.

Don't be tied to him forever. Be an adult

Ditch him either way though.

I know I would find it psychologically v difficult to have an abortion myself, despite being pro choice, but that is just me. Of you feel like that that's fine - it's your choice - even though an abortion would be the logical thing to do.

But don't stay with this bloke.

Be prepared for him to do a u-turn. Especially if he is telling his parents.

(Not trying to get you to cling on to any hope just that you never know.)

I feel an abortion would seriously impact on me psychologically but then a pregnancy would in every which way possible. But I almost cried when I saw a newborn baby out earlier, I know that's hormones but it was thinking about the notion of ditching mine... I don't know. I know keeping it isn't the right thing to do and I know now that this guy is an arsehole. Bit too late now, mind.

I accidentally got pregnant and only realised after he had already dumped me. So it's slightly different but similar in the same way that I had seen his true colours.

I have 2 children already

I chose to terminate. I did not consult him but I told him 2 years later when he crawled back (for sex) because I was angry at him for being unapproachable and horrible (he ghosted me).
The idea of putting my kids and the child through years of drama, anguish just became too much. I could have done it, just me. I know I could. But I didn't want to do it to them. What a life is that for them all?

It's your choice, I know. Think long long and hard, past the 'babies are lovely' stage, because you will have to put your life on hold for many more years, your children will have a lot to adapt to and many awkward questions they are too young to understand and potentially a child who has no father in its life while the others do.

I hope his parents calm him down and speak some sense to him if I'm honest. Up until now the only person he's spoken to is his best friend who lives abroad and is heavily into drugs so not a very responsible sort of person to give any reasonable help!

Termination is difficult psychologically but I felt that long term it would be worse. 18 years of psychological issues for both myself and a child.
I was given counselling which helped greatly

I don't think you need to ditch him. He's already gone. He won't look at you in the same light regardless of whether you abort or not because quite frankly you don't know each other.
Supposing, best case scenario, you keep the baby and wants a relationship. Every argument (even perfect couples have them) and he'll throw it back at you. Every discussion about money/ holidays/ work is loaded because you didn't agree on this one thing.
If you want to keep the baby do it but make sure it's because it feels right to you.As someone said what's this fourth child going to feel when the others go and meet their dad and potentially they don't know theirs?

Give yourself time.
I know large families with more than one or two absent fathers, and the children are so close, that the lack of a father(s) is irrelevant because the children are so close and have such a strong family unit iyswim.
Good luck - don't be pressurised.

You also have to think you're 27 and trying to get a career off the ground. That's not going to happen if you have another baby given child care costs (or won't until your early/mid 30s). Having a fourth also means it's less likely you'll meet anyone else in the future, not impossible but not all men will want to take on 4 children, or would be up for the job. It might also make it harder for your older children to do things like after school clubs - financially and logistically. There's overcrowding to consider too - do you have two big bedrooms for the kids to share between them or one big/one small?

Also do you want this man to be part of your eldest three children's lives? He has no experience of children. He's already reacted badly to a situation. You don't want them around that.

It is really too early. You're not living together. He doesn't know the reality of your life as a mother of three. He wouldn't know that unless he lives with you, which he doesn't yet, but he has to be 100% certain he wants to be a committed step father to your first three and they're still quite young so he will be parenting them. Do you think he's up to the job? Is he good enough to stick around until the 4 year old is 18, 14 years away? They deserve consistency. They're already "lost" one father even if he is in their lives. You were in the honeymoon phase which has ended swiftly. He probably feels a bucket of cold water has been chucked on him and he's reacted badly.

As someone said. You can't let your heart rule this decision. You have three children to think about. Regardless I think your relationship is over with him. Perhaps you were more invested. You'll be more mature as you're a mother. He's been a youngish single man until now. 18 years of being connected to him will be hard.

What sort of sense do you want his parents to talk, though? You have three children already. You've only just met him. What do you think they're going to say?