Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

Book has posted all I would say - she is my wise twin!

I am very happy tonight re the french election result.

And very relieved.

well, time for bed now
Hope everyone has a restful night

• just age and experience magi :)-

Thoughts and Prayers xx

I'm utterly exhausted! DS decided 5am was morning after another restless night

My parents have a little beach house and I love it there too so I feel your pain...

Guessing today will be about survival...

Thinking of you Squirrel, Juan and Selena and hope the babies are behaving Unborn and Somer

Morning
Juan - I hope you had a good night and the migraine has gone .
oh Cake - you must be on your knees ....
a cold grey morning here, house work to do , then pick up DGS from his preschool this afternoon - we have him overnight and tomorrow. So I need to pull my finger out and get things done before the whirlwind arrives.
Have a good day everyone
Thoughts and Prayers x

Hello Aunties. I've decided this thread has evolved from being the equivalent of a student houseshare to being like a WI get together! It's lovely hearing all the soothing (for me at least) tales of gardens, decorating, jam making, sewing, cleaning etc!

Migraine all but gone now - was a nasty bastard and I hate losing days to them. Was the worst one I've had in about two years.

Ten weeks today since Mark died :(. Squirrels I know what you mean about just existing and not knowing how to move forward. Your post about how John just got you and cared for you resonated so much. I felt like that too, I never doubted for a second that Mark loved me body and soul, inside and out, the good and bad etc. I think we were both (you and I) very lucky to have had that but we're not in a place yet to appreciate the luck, we're still trying to come to terms with the dreadful void they've left behind. I can't imagine anyone ever feeling that way about me again.

And like I said before (I think) I've reverted to the very self conscious person with no self belief or confidence or esteem that I was before Mark came into my life. I find that quite shocking really that after 26 years of being loved and supported every day, I've reverted back to my younger self in less than three months :(

I'm endlessly fascinated by how people have met second or subsequent partners so with that in mind - daisy how did you meet your present dh? No need to answer if that's a nosy question (Mark would say I was nosy, I'd say I was interested!). I have a friend who has been doing OLD for twelve years now with no real success and in fact no long term relationships. But I have another friend who met and married his wife after only doing OLD for six months.

Drama when did you manage to slope off to Spain?! Where are you and are you having a good time? Somerville how did your conversation with your mil go? Selena the registrar you saw sounds good - how is your dh doing?

Got a hot date tomorrow! I'm meeting Cake and looking forward to it immensely :) Got to go now and try to restore some sort of order - three days in bed hasn't done much for the state of my house!

Oh cross posted with lots of you! Squirrels I meant to ask in previous post if you have put in a claim for widows pension not just the lump sum payment? Mine works out at about £118 a week.

AFternoon all
Glad to hear you are on the mend Juan, take it easy today.

I have been such a lazy so and so today, had plans but they have all went out the window. Oh well there is always tomorrow. Will finish lunch and go drag the hoover around so at least I will have accomplished something other than putting a washing on.

Will need to go get shopping later, kids are eating me out of house and home, will need to start shopping twice a week! Might be even lazier and take kids to Morrisons for tea, teen loves the hunters chicken so would be an incentive for him to come shopping

Cake hope you are having a chance for a relax after your early start!

Hey, I'm still here. Went to music group with the 2 small ones and then did a speed clean before another potential parent/baby came round. Just scoffed some lunch and now gearing up for phase 2 (afternoon school run/tea/baths/homework etc)

Juan I can't wait either - I'm hoping that we'll find each other! I'll be the one looking stressed and shattered

I too am loving the supportive community on here. I often feel very lonely as I'm home with smalls most of the time, so for me it's helping just as much as hopefully for some of the bereaved.

My DH is a 2nd one - not after a loss but after realising DH1 was a &% so there are happy stories out there...

Book good luck with mini whirlwind - I think it's only relative youth and buckets of sugary snacks that keep me going.

Hello all.
Sorry about the migraine, Juan. Sounds hellish.

Hope work is okay squirrels. Personally I found it something of a helpful distraction, BUT I work mainly from home. The days I had to get dressed properly and commute and talk to people were nightmarish, early on. Plus I had major childcare problems as Dd2 didn't manage to return full time to school for ages, which added extra stress.

I look back and think that I should have taken some family members up on offers of paying bills, and given myself breathing space. Then again, if I had I might not have met DH2.

Juan I had a sense from very early on (and this sounds bad, but it wasn't something I verbalised or even fully acknowledged to myself) that I wanted to meet someone in the future.
I was nowhere near acting on that when now Dh2 and I started working together. We got married 26 months after DH2 died. But there were several things that lined up to make that the right desicion for us - maybe particularly that he didn't have kids, and he and mine fell in love. (He now has PR and we're all talking about adoption ) And in all honesty partly also that I've learned that life can be cruelly short and that happiness has to be grabbed with both hands when it's available.

Something I'm really sure of is that for me, a pale imitation of my first marriage wouldn't do at all. It would make me miss Dh1 even more. We had a meeting of minds as much as bodies, and I could totally be myself with him, and him with me too, I believe. Finding someone who loves me for my strengths and my vulnerabilities all over again is something I'm very grateful for.

Anyway, raising such a wonderful son who I love so much is part of why I am trying to make sure my MiL understands the decisions we make that, to her, seem very unconventional. The lunch went well, thanks, and we had a good heart to heart about the surname stuff. Don't know if she really gets it but she loved that I let put her hands all over me to feel him kick, and I'm hopeful she won't raise it all again.

Whoohoo, glad MIL has been won over with baby kicking!

It's lovely that you are both meeting Juan and Cake, how close to each other are you?

Glad to hear your migraine has subsided Juan, but sorry that you had it in the first place. Good luck with catching up around the house, but if you haven't - it doesn't really matter .

I just did the overall bereavement application to DWP, but widows bereavement allowance is only available if you are 45+ when your spouse died - and I'm still 44 till the end of the month, and I'm pretty sure I won't be eligible for widowed parent allowance as the boys weren't John's - which doesn't matter when your child benefit is reclaimed based on you living as a family, but does for this. Bit of a bugger - but there you go.

Somerville I'm glad your chat with MiL went okay, I think if she accepts your point of view even if she doesn't really understand it - then that's enough.

I have to say that I know, and knew even before John died, that I hope at some point that I'll meet someone else that I can share my life with.
I can be on my own, I've done it before and I can do it again - but I don't want to. And having had the relationship I had with John and having loved and been loved like we did - I want that again. What scares me is not finding it! I know I won't have what I had with John - I couldn't because he's gone. But I do hope that I find something with someone that fulfills me as much, if differently.
Oh - and have I mentioned I miss the sex (I think I posted a bit about this on my thread - which I seem to have abandoned).

When my exH left I was scared of the future and how I'd cope and mourned the loss of our family life, that our children wouldn't grown up with their parents together, that our shared future was gone etc. What I probably didn't actually miss was exH himself - I missed the idea of him and everything that went with that, but probably not actually HIM.
Now, I've got a lot of those same feelings, although not so much how I'll cope as I know I'll will. But overwhelming all of this is the total loss of John himself in my life, the actual man - who I adored and who certainly adored me. I miss everything about our life together, not just the concept of someone.

Practically neighbours

All quiet in the Cake house so going to sit with my mindfulness colouring book and get rid of some of the stress. Need to go for a jog tomorrow, been too long again!

Evening all.
I had a committee meeting tonight so have just got back in - I can finally sit down and relax .
I am sorry Juan you feel as if you have reverted - it may be due to all the things on top of you, along with lack of sleep , and not wanting really to eat. So in truth , you are not in any way on top form, , so it is easy to doubt yourself. Don't ever forget those years with Mark , and your DC's - proof surely of what you are.
I am glad my boring life is soothing ,( and helps in a small way to ease a sense of aloneness Cake )
Thoughts and Prayers to all x

You are sound more and more like my mum book with the committee meetings ☺.

I didn't mention work at all.
I'd been very worried about it - not least getting there as last week I just went back to bed after the boys went to school and spent most of the morning crying.
Anyway, we all had a reasonably early night and I got up and out by 9am so I was in worn by 9.30am (I do 9.30am - 2.30pm, small children hours - although they aren't any more and I've not done school pick up for a couple of years now).
It was hard going in, but it was okay. My colleagues are mostly lovely, and some are really lovely.
I did some work and had a sit down to discuss what my role is atm etc and spent some time catching up with people.
I spoke to a client who was a friend of John's (tbh most of them were to some extent, not just clients) and that was okay, and then good - for those of you who followed my original thread he was the "life goes on" visitor.
And I had a few wobbles, and felt the absence of John in my working life a lot.
So ups and downs, but mostly okay - and I think that's as good as I could have hoped for at the moment.
And hopefully tomorrow will be okay too.

How lovely that Juan and Cake are meeting up tomorrow. Hope you have a really good time and report back later. Isn't it lovely how this thread is bringing people together who wouldn't otherwise have met?

Well I have just had the traditional day three row with my DPs . Over sheets, of all things, but I will spare you the details. I don't know why, but we always manage to fall out when we meet, usually about day three. Poor DH did the sensible thing and took refuge in the bedroom until it was all over. Luckily the rows never last long & we are fine now. Wine helps, I find

Will check in again tomorrow. Love to all x

Just a quick good morning .
Chasing Good to hear you have found going back to work not as worrying as you thought. I think it will help to have structure to your days this way.
(It was only the local Horticultural society - working out peoples money for the yearly visits around gardens, and have we ordered enough compost and such :)
Drama row a bout sheets oh dear. Nevertheless , hope everything else is good.
Well so far DGS has been a good 'un , wake up 6.45, I now just have the wrestle into his clothes. He loves his pj's..
Juan and Cake - enjoy the meet up :)
Have a good day all xx

Rowing over sheets - I can imagine doing that with my DS (mid 30's) but I just bite my tongue these days. He has started to tell us what we should be doing - most amusing!

Pleasedto hear work was not so bad, Chasing.

Cake & Juan - have a lovely meet - it's always fun to meetup with internet friends.

Of to Tesco & then into the garden.

Still no rain - am doing no further plant buying or planting till autumn now.

Not feeling very enthused about going again this morning! But I stayed up too late last night, as I tend to when I'm on my own - I used to do it after exH left and the kids were small. Then when John and I got together we'd go at the same time and cuddle and chat for a while. Now I usually go at the same time as ds1 which is around 10pm and gets me to bed - but they were with exH last night. But I'm up and showered so I'll be off soon.

Morning all

Squirrels must have been hard to go to work, but you did it well done you. It will get easier I am sure but dont expect miracles, go with the flow and how you feel. Hopefully work wont pressurise you to be superwoman the first week

Juan & Cake have a lovely time, have an almond croissant for me (Actually am off to town to get some shopping, forgot to go to aldi after morrisons yesterday to get veg. My whole shop went a bit mad as decided half way round to just get everything in M's but regretted it when I got to the till and forgot the veg!) I need a memory booster!

Wonder how many more things I will forget today on my 'to do list'

Have a good day everyone.

Hi all

Juan is still recovering so we have rain checked until she's back up to speed.

I did go and have a lovely brownie and hot choc to get over the shock of paying £20 for a special mouth guard for DD to do PE/sports in.

Had a 5am wake up call again though DS slept better last night.

I'm not lonely - saw a friend yesterday, have a coffee booked in with an acquaintance on Thursday and lunch with a friend on Friday , but it's different to be at home when you're used to work colleagues and social interaction - especially now my little friend (DS) is in FT school sob

Had to revisit divorce paperwork today long and boring story which has made me very sad...how someone who was supposed to love you could treat you so badly. Thank God for current DH.

Hope everyone is well. Squirrel good luck with work.

Glad you had a brownie and hot chocolate anyway Cake, I've just seen my SIL after work and had coffee & walnut cake - it was a massive slice and I'm stuffed now.

Hope the 'sheets row' is over and done with now drama.

Oh gosh Drama, that makes me think about the night my mum made cottage pie...she said "Oh that's a big portion" I replied "That's because there aren't any sides" (meaning it's all in there including peas and stuff we chucked in) which lead to her storming off in tears about how she can't do anything right [shocked]

They stay for 2 weeks every other year due to distance and much as I love and miss them, it is a bit of a hardship!

I love cake stating the obvious but not a big fan of coffee, so probably one of the ones I'd pass on... How was work?

[rubbish at emojis]

How funny - I'm reading this while making cottage pie (or whatever you'd call it with turkey mince - John stopped eating red meat after his diagnosis and we all quite like it with turkey mince - gobbler pie?) into which I am just chucking everything in.

Work is, I don't know, a mixture of taking my mind off things while I am actually doing some work; extremely hard when I do anything that isn't getting my head down and being engaged with something (from my Outlook calendar being set to both mine and his calendars so I knew where he was, to all his clients having been moved to another partner folder, to speaking to clients for the first time, to seeing his review notes on a file, to talking to people about anything even related to John); good to have something to get up in the morning for even when I don't want to; and having people around me who do actually care about me - and that's something of a revelation really, because I don't think I knew that. I'm very introverted in RL around people who aren't really close to me, and despite having worked there for 17 years I honestly would have thought prior to this that people would have viewed me as a very competent colleague who kept to herself.
I guess the upshot of all of that is - I'm surviving it at the moment with lots of tears just below the surface and some enjoyable bits, and I think that's as good as I can hope for atm.

It's just taken me about an hour to type this in between doing other things so apologies if I've cross posted.

Bless you - that does sound so hard! Sending you hugs and hope the gobbler pie is yummy!