Don't think I want children, but how do you know?

[unsureaboutkids]

Hello all - NC for this (together with my other posts, it could be out-ing).

This is partly to get it off my chest but also to ask of those both who decided not to have children and those who have children - how did you know you did or didn't want them? Did you ever change your mind? What happens if I turn 45 and suddenly decide I want children just when it's going to be hard to conceive?

I'm in my early thirties, in a LTR (for me) with a man I adore. All my friends are having babies now. I've always assumed that once I'd found a lovely, reliable, sexy man who I was in love with that I would want them. But it hasn't happened yet.

My entire family and all my friends keep saying things like "ah, you'll change your mind when you have them" or "you're a loving, caring person, I'm sure you'll want some one day" but... I'm just not that into kids. Then they say "it's different with your own". But I never saw my life with children in it. All my life, whenever I pictured my ideal life in my 50s, it always had the exciting job, lovely man, lots of travel, a dog, a nice place, close friends, my existing family (all of which I'm aware I can have with children too!) but no children.

My nephews and nieces are sweet, but I don't go all gooey when I see them. I'm happy to give them back at the end of the day. I'm inclined to say that I don't want kids (DP happy with whatever I decide and I think genuinely so).

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children in my family or circles of friends. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences you may have.

Swearygodmother your murderer comment made me laugh with tea in my mouh and it went up my nose!!!
I was never broody and couldnt see myself as a mother. I did have a baby whp is a lovely 3year old but im not a natural mother in any way. Its not like going on holiday or trying new food. Its not for everyome and i fully commend people that dont do it just cos they aee excepted to

I've always wanted kids since i was a child myself. Pre having my own children, i loved spending time with babies and children (now i prefer my own). It does change your life completely and you have to make sacrifices so you've got to really want them.

One of my best friends never wanted kids and she's happy with her decision. She's really good with my kids just never wanted her own. In the same way that she likes animals but didn't want her own (whereas I have had cats and dogs).

Noone so far has said they regretted their decision but as it's mumsnet most of us are parents!

I've never wanted children. I'm 36 now and the 'biological clock' has never ticked for me.
I don't especially enjoy being around children and when with friends who have them, I often find myself waiting for the time when the children will go to bed so we can actually enjoy a conversation.
I want to travel as much as possible and while I know that this is possible with children, realistically, it would be prohibitively expensive.
Fundamentally, I'm just not interested. For me its a bit like religion; I recognise that for others it is incredibly important etc, but it doesnt even feature on my radar as something that is relevant to me

Here's my story OP.....

I never wanted children full stop. Was never on my own always in a relationship.

Met an amazing guy, fell hook line and sinker for him, we had a wonderful time partying, holidaying loving life. Got married and continued to live and love life.

5 years after marrying woke up one morning and thought...you know what ... I think I'd like a baby. Took 6 months to conceive, I was 38 when our DS arrived. Still carried on enjoying living and loving life but just a little bit differently with our DS.

Looking back - I hadnt met the right person and wanted to live my life before "settling down"!!!

Only regret - we didnt have anymore DC, 18 months after DS was born I got diagnosed with endometriosis which really messes up your fertility - so that's prob why it took a good 6 months to conceive - in fact Ive been told that Im really probably quite lucky to have DS...so even more special to us.

My advice never say never...live and love life then you never know one day you might just wake up and say "you know what, I think I'd like a baby" :)

36 and used to want kids a lot. Now I'm convinced I was in love with the idea of having that life that everyone else does. I don't want any of my own (have two SDs who I love but am equally happy when they're not here and don't massively miss them when they're not). I am Auntie (real and pretend) to a dozen kids and don't want/need any more than that; frankly I don't have the patience. I would love to have a dog though! I see my future being making a lovely home, travelling with my DP, being able to do my hobbies and charity bits. I sometimes think I might get lonely but I don't see that as a reason to have kids.

I found this thread incredibly enlightening.

If you are happy to give up your freedom, put your children first and live your life through them, then you want kids
I am none of the above, which is why I have struggled a bit over the years, what with having 3 of the buggers

We gave one child by choice. It took me a while to work out it was all the talk of "them" and "some" that put me off and also that there was something bad about having one child by choice. I met and talked to a few only children and I know a few one child but not by choice families and can honestly say one child works for us. All three of us

I'm sure ds will have phases of wanting a sibling but we idealise what we don't know. I have a sibling I never see now and who wouldn't play with me as a child.

I think I would still be childless if I didn't accidentally get pregnant. I never enjoyed children and always said I wasn't maternal.. said I would just have cats. Then I got pregnant and realised I didn't want to have an abortion (had two 3 years earlier) and it was about time (was 28 and been with DP 7 years) Ended up loving being pregnant and adore my two kids. I go smushy over them especially my baby, love playing with them, love going on adventures with them. I learned that I adore my own kids just not other peoples!
I always wonder about people like me who declared they don't want them because they don't like them... they'll never know if they do love their own unless they have a contraception failure.

I don't want to hold other people's babies and I don't enjoy spending lots of time with kids.

I'm exactly the same. But it's different with my own children, who are the most cuddlesome, interesting and fantastic people on earth to me. The "it's different when it's your own" truism is, well , true! I think so, anyway.

I am 8 months pregnant with no.1. I'm pretty worried as I am really not a baby / child lover at all!! I feel exactly the same as PPs who have said they look forward to friends children etc leaving / going to bed, and I just find my (2&3 yo) nephews draining and a bit boring!!

I'm very much hoping it will be a case of just not really loving other people's kids....

One thing I'd say is that when all of your friends and siblings have had kids in the past five or so years, it's easy to think "oh ok so this is what parenting is about, I've got a good idea" - but actually, you probably don't, and neither do they. The down-in-the-dirt parenting of very small children lasts about 5 years if you have 2 DC reasonably close together. From then on, parenting looks very different.

The life of a parent at Year 5, Year 15, and Year 25 are incredibly different. It's still absolutely fine if you don't think you want that, I'm just saying try to take a longer view than "where do you see yourself in 5 years" - where do you see yourself in retirement? Etc.

I understand the thing of "it's different when it's your own" totally but I think it's a massive risk to take isn't it?

What if it's not different? What if your own children are as boring, irritating and dirty as everyone elses? Once they've arrived, it's too late.

Why take the risk.

I don't think you always know. I have never had any maternal 'urges' or stirrings. I've never yearned or desired to have a child, however I tried to logically think about it and as other people say 'It's different when it's yours' and 'When you're pregnant, it will all fall into place', so when I was 33, in a very solid financial position and had a long term partner, we decided we'd try for children.

I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. From the minute I looked down and saw the positive pregnancy test I burst into tears and went through 2.5 months of complete and utter misery. Looking back now, it was severe antenatal depression, but despite counselling, anti depressants and a very supportive partner, friends and family, I just couldn't help feeling really low and kept having an overwhelming desire to take my own life.

I couldn't reconcile the 'Yaaaay, I'm so happy I'm pregnant!' women, with how I felt and felt more and more like a complete freak - Why did I feel low? Why didn't I have any of the excitement and happiness that other women had? I 'thought' once I got pregnant, things would fall into place - yet they completely blew apart my life.

I made the decision to terminate which, I still believe was the right decision (despite still having counselling and feeling immense guilt) and as I'm now 35, engaged to marry the same partner next year, I don't know whether we will ever try again.

I'm petrified of not feeling any different as I don't have any of that desire to get pregnant and I echo Sodomeyes point 'What if it's not different?' .... It is a massive risk to take.

I think the bottom line is - I love my life as it is. I love my career, my partner, being able to do everything we are currently doing, seeing my friends, doing my hobbies.... There is a part of me that worries about 'What happens when I'm 80 and all my friends and family have children and I'm stuck in a nursing home alone?' However I don't want to just have children as I'll be lonely when I'm older.....

I DO have 2 friends who have actively made the decision not to have children. They are both very happy with that decision and it's a nice balance to have - some friends with children, some without....

Yes, for what it's worth I always liked children generally, enjoyed their company, found them cute. Yes, I was often glad to hand them back - but in he same way I'm often glad to drop my own off, I'm often glad to leave work early, I'm often glad to come home from holiday.

I absolutely believe everyone who says it was different with their own children. But personally, I probably wouldn't have taken that chance. I was very sure I liked children.

There is a part of me that worries about 'What happens when I'm 80 and all my friends and family have children and I'm stuck in a nursing home alone?' However I don't want to just have children as I'll be lonely when I'm older.....

I have a massive issue with this kind of rhetoric that kids will help you out when you're older. It's a horribly selfish attitude to have, which is ironic given that people who are child-free are often called selfish.

I think it also puts responsibility for elderly care into the family (largely women) rather than asking the government what they are going to do to support an ageing population.

Now I'm at an age where my mum is starting to be more dependent and I feel duty-bound to help her. I resent this massively. She chose to have children to enrich her life. In doing so, it seemed she signed a not-yet-existent 35 year old to a life stress and drudgery in caring for her.

I've never wanted any and I'm 43. I got married last year and people said now I'd met my husband I would change but neither of us want it. I have never wanted the responsibility and I fear I would be bored, not of the kids but of all the family visiting and having to speak to people at the school gates that I don't like. Also I am an introvert and like to stay in which is not great for a child.

There is a part of me that worries about 'What happens when I'm 80 and all my friends and family have children and I'm stuck in a nursing home alone?' However I don't want to just have children as I'll be lonely when I'm older.....

The people who come out with that line baffle me a bit to be honest because we don't know where our lives or children will be in 40 years time. You could have a large brood and still end up lonely in a nursing home because your children emigrate, or predecease you, or loathe you and are NC, or are in prison because they make excellent serial killers, or aren't well themselves and cannot look after you.

When I'm 80 I might be lonely in a nursing home but I'll know that I lived the life I chose for me, not one I chose based on what ifs.

I like holding babies, and my friend's children are delightful- but to be brutally honest, I was more excited when someone brought a beagle puppy in the office
I work with children but am always grateful to go home and leave them behind. I had a massive wobble when both my parents died, and saw having a baby as some sort of 'solution'. I now THANK GD that it never happened.

I went to counselling about this issue. The counsellor said I should 'just know.' I then asked her how she would feel about moving to Guatemala tomorrow, forever, with no research. I'm sure Guatemala is nice, but I have no experience of it to make such a huge choice. She looked at me like I was mad and then told me not to have children.

Shockingly bad counselling, of course, but in retrospect I think this bit summed up how I felt.

So unless you're really really sure you want to move to Guatemala, permanently - don't go.

Oh and by the time I'm old I intend to live in a nursing home with lots of other people who didn't have children, and we will have and EXCELLENT time. All other non-parent PPs welcome to join me. And I will play off the young folk who do visit with a game of 'who is going to be nice to me so they will inherit.' Mwah ha ha....

I'm 48 now and the 'biological clock' hasn't yet ticked so I think that ship has sailed! For me, I just never ever had that urge to nurture, to look after someone else, I absolutely hated the thought of someone depending on me totally (even if only for a few years). I would see friends with newborns and imagine my own reaction of absolute horror if that was me holding the baby.

Like some other PP's I'm a bit of an introvert and would hate having someone needing me all the time. I'm married nearly 12 years and very early on discussed this with DH. He had never had any particular desire for children either and we are both really happy. We're not rolling in money but we both have reasonably good jobs, house will be paid off in a few years, we go out once or twice a week, go away a few times a year. My mother always spoke of having children as "drudgery" and that notion certainly stuck. It all just seems so relentless and dull and routine. My life is not wild by any means but if we fancy dinner out after work we just go. Of if we fancy having pancakes and syrup for dinner we can, we don't need to worry about the nutritional needs of a little person. Similarly, we are heading away tomorrow for a few days, the only pre-planning needed is to book annual leave and pack a bag.

I am always happy for friends/family when they have a new baby however it doesn't evoke any feelings whatsoever. I say the required 'ooh', 'ahh' etc but I don't think they are particularly cute (they're just small people - unlike puppies which make me melt!). Also, I have to say I find them pretty dull, the things they say are not cute or funny to me, just daft usually - I get that parents obviously feel differently. Also, it bugs me the way conversation revolves around, and through, children when they're in the room as in "tell Wish what happened at school" or "do you like her new dress" etc etc. I'm just thinking "please go home" or "go to bed"...

I understand the feelings of those who say it would be nice, as an elderly person, to have family around and of course it would however there is no guarantee of that and, anyway, I didn't want to live a life I never wanted for many years in the hopes that one of the blighters would stick around and wipe my bum some day!

I have never been troubled by many questions either (maybe I just don't look maternal). My sis in law asked me once (the day after the wedding, I just laughed it off. My mother (we are not close!!) once asked "do you ever get broody". I said "no" and that was that.

It's just not for me, I don't want a full noisy family house. I lived alone for a number of years before I met DH and it took a while to get used to having him around, I never wanted any more company than that!

I do remember however being a small child, not sure what age, but I decided I was going to have 3 boys and call them Jason, Justin and Jordan... Just as well I didn't have any perhaps!

I think your care when you're older is not related to how many dc you have at all. Having worked in a nursing home, there are those with no dc but great friends/neighbours/nephews/nieces. There are those with 4 dc and 9 gc who never come to see them. It's really not a given that they'll be there to take care of you/alleviate any loneliness.

Hedges - can I book my space? Sounds like a riot!

No if I hadn't fallen pregnant accidentally, I would never have had a child. I planned to terminate but I sat in the bath and realised that this baby deserved a chance. I thought it's not their fault I was stupid. I had my child at 33.

I never wanted kids, right from age 11. Found them draining and demanding. Like blood sucking leeches.
The baby stage was hell on earth. I cried most days until child was 5.
I was a sahm because childcare cost more than min wage and I couldn't access bens.
I felt better when I started pt work.
It was like an atom bomb had exploded in,our lives. Partner provided but was useless in terms of getting stuck in with the mundane tasks of child rearing. I felt like a lone parent - except financially.
Your extended family dynamic changes beyond recognition.
Even when you're ill - that's tough. You have to keep ploughing on, you've got a child to take care off. It's never about you. The carefree days are long gone.

Holidays will not be holidays for nearly 2 decades. Again, it's never about you.

I would say think very carefully. If you have a great life without, then write down what you think would change and if you can accept that.
You can never be sure if your man will make a good dad. Unfortunately that is something you find out only when the deed is done.

When our mates had one (unplanned) we saw how much pressure it put on their relationship. Mrs was a sahm and not happy in the early years. Roll on 18 years, their child is working and so is Mrs, she's much happier now. She never wanted kids but loves her child but mr keeps talking about another one. mrs told him No Way.

Forward 10 years for us, we have a lovely child and she's the best thing I ever did. In fact, the only worthwhile thing.

I won't have anymore. The sole reason I considered more was to provide a sibling. Not a good enough reason to put myself through all that again.

I'm not maternal. I always knew that. People always told me I would change my mind.

Now, if I visit family with toddlers and babies, I'm happy to play for a couple of hours but beyond that, I feel drained.