Don't think I want children, but how do you know?

[unsureaboutkids]

Hello all - NC for this (together with my other posts, it could be out-ing).

This is partly to get it off my chest but also to ask of those both who decided not to have children and those who have children - how did you know you did or didn't want them? Did you ever change your mind? What happens if I turn 45 and suddenly decide I want children just when it's going to be hard to conceive?

I'm in my early thirties, in a LTR (for me) with a man I adore. All my friends are having babies now. I've always assumed that once I'd found a lovely, reliable, sexy man who I was in love with that I would want them. But it hasn't happened yet.

My entire family and all my friends keep saying things like "ah, you'll change your mind when you have them" or "you're a loving, caring person, I'm sure you'll want some one day" but... I'm just not that into kids. Then they say "it's different with your own". But I never saw my life with children in it. All my life, whenever I pictured my ideal life in my 50s, it always had the exciting job, lovely man, lots of travel, a dog, a nice place, close friends, my existing family (all of which I'm aware I can have with children too!) but no children.

My nephews and nieces are sweet, but I don't go all gooey when I see them. I'm happy to give them back at the end of the day. I'm inclined to say that I don't want kids (DP happy with whatever I decide and I think genuinely so).

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children in my family or circles of friends. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences you may have.

Thanks for this thread op. This is something I've been massively struggling with- all my friends are having babies and I feel very lonely. But then you just don't want what you don't want.

People do really judge though. Someone asked my DH if he secretly wanted a child. Awful. I'm having counselling for this at present and it's helping.

I also don't get the 'it's different with your own' - too much of a risk on my view.

Never wanted children and am still child free in my 40s.

I always knew I didn't want any and don't really find other people's children fun or interesting to be honest. Hate the 'you will change your mind' brigade as some people might but a lot of people don't and it annoys me that other people think they know you better.

As for the 'who will look after you when you are older' also puzzles me as I would discourage anyone to care for elderly relatives as it is so hard mentally and physically and feel it is better to employ the 'expert carers' instead so am planning my financial future with that in mind.

I feel my life is so much richer without children but I understand others feel completely opposite to me and their children are their life. They key thing is to make sure you stay true to yourself and don't have or not have children because of anyone else but yourself ( especially in this society where it is still expected that women will be the primary carer in a relationship )

Two of my sisters don't have children and they are very happy with their decision. They are the best aunties and Im actually grateful in many ways because they are v interested in mine. (we don't have any grandparents)
I did want children though my dh didn't particularly. We have two and he is the best dad. I did always want a 'family' but Im not desperately keen on other people's. I agree with Graham Norton - children are like farts - you like your own.
They are a life time commitment and a big financial investment. My sisters have a very different lifestyle as a result and Im not jealous of theirs and they are not jealous of mine. I know my sisters didn't want to change their lives and that's fair enough.

I always said I wouldn't have children. I had absolutely no pressure from anyone to have them, and plenty of my friends didn't have them. I didn't like children when I was a child! Didn't like yucky things, like the thought of changing a nappy. Also, my parents had been unhappily married, but stayed together because of me. I didn't want to be forced to stay in an unhappy relationship because I'd had children.

I'd been with DP for years. Woke up one morning at 35, and suddenly decided I'd changed my mind, not really because I wanted children, but because I thought it'd be an interesting experience to try. DP (now DH) had never wanted children, and was horrified about my attitude. But he liked going out with me, so said ok.

We've had two, and unexpected I've loved it! I've thought about this, and concluded it's because:

1. I love doing kiddie activities; with children, I had an excuse to do them. For example, visiting parks, zoos, woods, pond dipping, building dens, lego. All those things you can only really do as a child, or if you've got children. When else would you spend time making your own pasta? If you don't like doing kiddie things, then I guess having children would be a trial.

2. Also our DC were always quite independent and played well together. So when they were small, and I wasn't working, they'd play, and I'd ignore them while I indulged in my interests, as I've always had lots of hobbies.

3. DH's an equal partner. It's been tough fitting in work (freelancer), but DH is fantastic at doing (more than) his share of housework off his own bat. I think this is a major reason why my experiment of having children went so smoothly.

4. We've not struggled for money. (DH and I are naturally frugal anyway.)

Now they're teenagers, we go on walking holidays. They like doing similar things to us, as we brought them up. So they don't like shopping, for example! Last night, I was stressing trying to complete a work project, and DH was also working. DD (who's 15) got us a pudding. DD's already certain she doesn't want children, as they absolutely ruin your life... I remember saying that, too

But if I hadn't had children, I'm sure I would have had just as much fun, look younger and have more savings!

Interesting thread, I'm 35 and still don't know if I want children or not, but obviously am now at the point where it's going to be now or never if we're going to even try. I have always been very ambivalent about it, I've never thought I absolutely don't want to but I've also never thought that I absolutely do. I've always had a vague 'yeah maybe in the future' take on it but now I've somehow got to the point where that vague future is now and I can't put it off much longer and I genuinely don't know what to do (I do realise that it may not happen even if I want it to). I like my life; I love to travel, I love my dogs and I love being able to please myself. I've had dogs most of my adult life though, and although I know it's not the same before anyone jumps on me, I do know what it's like to have responsibilities/a tie/dependents so it's not that I'd resent having to give up a non-stop social life because my day to day life is already largely dictated by the needs of the dogs. Still though, it's a lot easier to leave them with friends or family and go to Costa Rica for a month if and when I feel like it.

I just don't know. I'm scared of not doing it and then waking up one day X years down the line when it really is too late and regretting it, but I don't think that's a good reason to do it. It would be much worse to do it and regret it and then be trapped feeling like I'd ruined my life though. I kind of like the idea of bits of it, but I know enough to know that I may not like the reality. I read that Classics thread that's been linked and it's terrifying (but enlightening). It's just that feeling that I 'should' do it that I'm struggling with. So yeah, clear as mud really

I'm 50 and I've alway known I've never wanted children in the same way that I've always known I'm straight, it just is. I find babies cute and I love to have a cuddle with them, but I'm pretty indifferent to 'generic' children and found my own nephew (the only child in my immediate family) infuriating from a toddler till he was about 12 or 13. Though, that might have just been him

I never, ever pictured my future with children in it, though looking back, I may have had a few wistful moments, but I'm now extremely glad and relieved that I never had any. I met my (childless) DP when we were both early 40s and I think he'd have liked children but in a general, what-everyone-does kind of way and I think he never pictured life as a father either.

I've got two kids, always wanted kids, am so happy to be a mum.

I'd say, don't have kids unless you really want to! It's incredibly intense and draining. There's very little down time, particularly if you are working too. Holidays aren't really relaxing. Lie ins cease to exist. I wouldn't change having kids for anything, but I think there's too much pressure for everyone to have them.

The only thing I will say is just be aware that when you fantasise your 'existing family' as part of your perfect future you will one day not have them around you due to age and that might be difficult if you don't have your own family.

I had my kids really late and am definitely happier for it. Yes I'm sleep deprived, yes I do wander around with vomit on my shoulder sometimes and have no doubt I've aged quicker than if I hadn't had them. But they are my reason to be the best person I can be.

I'm expecting my first child at the moment and I still don't go gaga for others people children (bar an incredibly cute newborn). I just feel that I will want and love my own child. Quite hard to explain but I've never been a 'child friendly' person either! However, what made me realise I was ready was a sense of longing. Do you have anything like that?

Happily child free 43 yr old woman here. Never wanted children, they're alright but only in v small doses. Most of the time I just find them at best meh, and at worst, irritating.

My perfect life never included babies or children, I used to have nightmares that I'd had a baby and I'd often wake up crying and sweating feeling a huge sense of regret ! So clearly I'm not remotely maternal

People used to say I'd regret it in my 40s but that hasn't happened. The complete opposite, in fact. To be honest I often feel a palpable sense of relief and happiness that I didn't have children despite pressure from ex partners.

Ultimately we can't make the decision for you but personally, the life I have lived and continue to live wouldn't have been / be as fulfilling if it involved children.

I'm 50 and don't have children. I was in an LTR up until a year ago and we both didn't want children. I never felt like I wanted children and often wondered if the need to have them would ever kick-in. It's only now that I feel ready to have children, but it's way too late for me, so I accept that, but do wonder what the hell happened there?

Trustyourself2 would you feel gutted if your ex partner went on to have children of his own with someone else? I only ask as for women we have a window of opportunity and then it's too late, for men they can change their mind in their later years and still make it happen.

That would piss me off hugely if I made an agreement with my LTP only to break up and him swan off and have kids in his late forties/fifties. I'd be frothing.

SleepFreeZone I don't think I'd be gutted. I suppose it's difficult to know how I'd feel. I'd probably feel a bit sad, but I'm a pragmatic & philosophical person, that's how I cope, and would ultimately just put it down to a "that's life" attitude. I wouldn't want to be held back in life by something that I have no control over.

Me and dh didn't plan on having children.
He wasn't the parenting type, our choice of lifestyle and careers were not compatible with being parents when we were younger, and I liked other peoples but not a bit maternal myself.

Ds1 was a complete shock, I was over 20 weeks when we found out I was pg.
I gave up my career to be the parent I wanted to be and have never looked back. Then we had ds2 a few years later and dd was conceived when I was on an early change at 37.

I can't imagine life without them now, it's lovely being a family rather than a couple.
I often say that people can't really know they don't want children as how can you know until you have one.
I was adamant it wasn't for me, and I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing about my life post career.

However, what made me realise I was ready was a sense of longing. Do you have anything like that?

No, definitely nothing that could be described as longing for children. More like a vaguely worried 'fuck should I maybe I should it might be nice but I don't know if I really want to however I do know that I want to get another puppy, climb Mount Kinabalu and go to Antarctica and they may not be entirely compatible so would I resent the fuck out of having a child fuck sake I don't know'

I often say that people can't really know they don't want children as how can you know until you have one

gillybeanz this is horribly patronising. Of course people can really know their own minds without having experienced something. We make decisions not to do things all the time without having experienced these things- huge and little things.

It's also incredibly impractical. What happens if I have a child and then think "you know what I was right all along, I don't want one"? I'm then stuck with a child I don't want and have never wanted all because, apparently, I didn't really know in the first place.

Sodomeyes said what I wanted to say but more politely.

gillybeanz I know I don't want children without having them thanks very much.

I'm sorry if I caused offence, I obviously didn't word it correctly.

I meant that even though you might believe you don't want children, as I did, if it happens you realise you did want children after all.
Imo you can't be sure of anything you have/ haven't experienced in life.

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was saying people don't know their own minds.

If it's any consolation I can't be sure that my life would have been better or worse without children as I haven't experienced all of my life without children.

gillybeanz thanks for the apology. It's just that as a child free women by choice you often get lectured by people with children so much all your life that you will change your mind it gets frustrating beyond belief.

I am pleased other people can choose to have children but even more pleased that I have a choice not to have any as I personally would be horrified to find I was pregnant.

Arggg name change failure there :) but the sentiment is the same.

Bitey

I can see how I worded my post wrongly and am sorry I stepped in with huge feet.
I should have said from my experience.
It was strange, children were the last thing we planned or wanted, and I honestly can't say that if we had found out earlier with ds1 whether I would have terminated or not, I'll never know this. They couldn't date to the nearest couple of weeks back then.

Maybe people in my position make the most out of little surprises, as I now say, but at the time huge shocks and end of the world scenario.
We might be kidding ourselves that life is better to help us get through the early days.
For me I fell in love with ds1 the minute I saw him and dedicated my life to him and his siblings. I don't regret sacrificing my previous life but some people might do, we are all different.

I don't think people should change their mind or are better off with children than without at all and would never lecture anyone about it being better or right. I know several couples who never had children and they are very happy and content in their 50's now.

I think gillybeanz has a point. I was a late mum, and when I had children, I gravitated towards other older mums, most of whom had originally absolutely never wanted children, yet found they were delighted it had happened. Equally, there are people who always want children, but when they have them, they absolutely regret it.

That's not to negate the opinion of an individual person who does/doesn't want children, but you can't always predict how you'll feel after the event. (Nobody ever said to me that I'd change my mind, though.)

And I think part of whether you enjoy it is down to chance.
eg DH steps up - or doesn't, you happen to meet lots of like minded people at baby groups, you have a difficult baby, you have PND, a horrible birth, your children don't get on, all sorts of random things like that contribute to whether you enjoy the experience.

I am 36 and pretty sure I don't want them. A couple of years ago I had a pregnancy scare and peed on a stick. As I was waiting for the result I felt so panicked that it would be positive. That told me that I genuinely do not want them as the fear was so real!

I do wonder if I will regret it. But I don't think that's a good enough reason to bring a baby into the world. And I could equally regret having one. So I think it's better to live in the present and go with the feelings I have now which is that I want to be childfree.

Also I think a lot depends on your social circle. I do have some friends with kids, but the vast majority are also child free and we have a blast! Weekly pub nights, weekends away, holidays abroad, random nights out. I think if I was sat at home by myself whilst everyone else was milling around with their kids I might feel a bit sad.

How you feel after having children is a different ballgame from not wanting them, surely? You have a vested interest in enjoying your life and therefore would make the best of it. You're also not talking about children in the abstract but particular children.

I don't think it's fair to say it'd be different if you had one. Of course it would be different, and I'm sure I'd make the best of it. That is entirely separate from me not wanting to take that path.