Don't think I want children, but how do you know?

[unsureaboutkids]

Hello all - NC for this (together with my other posts, it could be out-ing).

This is partly to get it off my chest but also to ask of those both who decided not to have children and those who have children - how did you know you did or didn't want them? Did you ever change your mind? What happens if I turn 45 and suddenly decide I want children just when it's going to be hard to conceive?

I'm in my early thirties, in a LTR (for me) with a man I adore. All my friends are having babies now. I've always assumed that once I'd found a lovely, reliable, sexy man who I was in love with that I would want them. But it hasn't happened yet.

My entire family and all my friends keep saying things like "ah, you'll change your mind when you have them" or "you're a loving, caring person, I'm sure you'll want some one day" but... I'm just not that into kids. Then they say "it's different with your own". But I never saw my life with children in it. All my life, whenever I pictured my ideal life in my 50s, it always had the exciting job, lovely man, lots of travel, a dog, a nice place, close friends, my existing family (all of which I'm aware I can have with children too!) but no children.

My nephews and nieces are sweet, but I don't go all gooey when I see them. I'm happy to give them back at the end of the day. I'm inclined to say that I don't want kids (DP happy with whatever I decide and I think genuinely so).

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children in my family or circles of friends. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences you may have.

Hedges, I'm in too! Sounds fab.
Jessica, I'm exactly the same over kittens. I go totally gooey.
My brother doesn't speak to my parents (no good reason, he's just a dick) so having children is no guarantee that they'll look after you or even give a shit about you in your old age.

Can I come too Hedges

DH and I often play "who will get our money?" where we discuss various ridiculous challenges we would set people to try and get their hands on our money.

I do know of someone who said she never wanted kids all though her 20s and 30s (married) as she preferred to concentrate on building her career. Had a massive change of heart aged about 39 but it was too late, couldn't get pregnant. It's a massive regret of her life, even though for the 20 or so years I knew her before she changed her mind (19-39) she was adamant about being happily child free. She's now in her 50s and remarried with older step children who she gets on well with, but 'it's not the same as having her own'.

country, ladyratterly,, sodomeyes of course you can join us. You all get your own room and as much gin as you can handle. We are going to pick attractive staff and a good friend of mine will have the joy of watching The Godfather for the first time every day because he can't remember how it goes.

Sodom I'm so glad you also play 'who will get our money?' Sometimes we talk about going to visit lots of different charities and get them to compete for our legacy. It's sort of like imagining a backwards lottery win. Ah, happy days...

Gin! I am all over that. I'll be giving most of my money to charity and small bits to the younger people in my family. If there's any left after our debaucherous retirement!

Until a few years ago I didn't want kids, couldn't imagine anything worse. No idea what changed. But I want/need to do a few things first so we've not even started trying and no idea if we will be able to.

But throughout the years DP and I have had periods where we get a 'pang', almost a craving or similar, where we want kids. Until a few years ago it had never lasted more than a few moments (maybe a week, until we were with family kids again!) and we never had these feelings at the same time, but now for me it's what I see and want and DP feels the same (at least more often than not). So I suppose what I'm trying to explain is if you have never wanted kids, it's not something that either of you even think about until someone else points it out then you aren't missing anything and the world is over populated enough.

I too don't think kids are a reliable way to have company or care when you're old and infirm. Or for anything other than costing a fortune in time and money throughout their lives.

Rude people asking need to sod off! Nowt to do with them.

Can I come too Hedges? I will bring gin and red wine :)

Sodom, i completely agree. If you don't like children, find them dull or whatever, enjoy your freedom and have never felt any real interest in having children, then why put yourself through it?! Its a hell of a risk. I guess it shows how hardcore the social pressure is

Ive never wanted kids. Mid 40s and absolutely no regrets. I never liked kids even when I was one. Can't for the life of me fathom out why anyone would have them, it seems like a load of thankless exhausting drudgery.

If anyone asks why I don't have any I say I don't like people enough to want to make one!

Thanks so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful and interesting posts - I really appreciate it. Just come back after a LONG day at the office and was looking forward to reading these.

I think it is hard to separate out what I think I should want (what everyone's telling me I should want) and what I actually want. I also think that it's an interesting point that the 'biological clock' could just be women internalising pressures from elsewhere...

Hearing positive stories from people who are both childfree and with children has been really helpful. ALL my friends (without exception) want children or are having them and it's great to get a variety of viewpoints - both from those in love with their children and those in love with their life without them.

I think I need a simple, blunt response to people who keep asking me when I'm going to have kids of my own/assuming I'll have them. I like your suggestions :)

Sadlynotnormal yes, there's lots of things I imagine doing with my spare time and would (currently) prefer to having children: finally getting better at the violin; brushing up on my French so that I'm fluent (or at least can form a sentence that's more sophisticated than "where is the train station, please?"); travelling to Mongolia; getting over my fear of my eyes jumping out of my skull and bungee-jumping.

Thank you all, again. You helped quieten my mind a little - it's been on it a fair amount recently as it's been baby central in many of my friendship circles! I suppose I shall just have to wait and see and enjoy life in the meantime, and continue to be honest with DP about my (and his, should they change) feelings on the matter.

Child free here too.

Looking back, I was never massively keen on having kids, but everyone around me was and in my early 20s I guess I thought I might at some point. As I got older and developed a career, social life, interests outside work, I became less and less interested in children. I love my nieces and nephews and godchildren, but I've just never felt that 'pull' to have my own.

DH felt the same way though he was a bit later coming to the realisation than I was and I did have to have a frank discussion with him when I got to my late 30s. Fortunately, he decided he was also happy with how our life is and that was that.

We (or I) have had no pressure at all from family or anyone else about having children. Occasionally someone has asked if we have kids and do we want them but it's actually been very rare this has happened. I see other women saying they get hassled constantly about it, but I just haven't been. I don't know why, perhaps I just don't come across that way or maybe people are too afraid to ask!

We're happy with our choice. We're not at all anti-children but this is what we wanted and we enjoy our life very much.

I'm so glad I found this thread

Everyone here has summed up how I feel to a T.

It's such a tough decision I just find them so dull & irritating and not in the least bit cute. I feel like a freak for thinking that way.

I always knew that I wanted dc - can't really tell you how, just a feeling deep down in my gut. I was eager to maintain my career as well though, I'm not one of these women who thinks that motherhood is their only real purpose in life.

I always thought I wanted two, but ended up with only one. As things have turned out, I'm actually very happy with my one, and wonder if having two might have made life much more complicated.

I don't think anyone can say how you'll feel in the future. I have friends who swore blind that they never wanted kids and then changed their minds - some of those went on to have kids, others had sadly left it too late. On the other hand, I also have friends who said that they never wanted kids and they are still entirely happy with their choice to remain child-free. And I know a handful of parents who love their kids but wish that they had never had them, which is actually rather sad.

There is no right or wrong answer. I think you'll just have to keep an open mind and see how you feel in a few years time.

If I am going to make a permanent change to my life, I will do it based on a belief that it will make my life better, using all the information I have about
what I am like
what I like
and what my life would be like if I did this thing.

I would not consider "but later on I might feel sad I didn't do it" as being strong enough to change the decision.

For a snappy response, I'd just go for "you know it's not compulsory, right?". 1 in 5 women aged 45 in 2011 did not have children (they used age 45 as the age when you are unlikely to gain any). It's probably higher by now.

I loved the analogy about Guatemala :)

Mind you if someone had, in one hand, a ticket to Guatemala and a baby in the other..

Yay Guatemala!
My mind is fixed.
If I could give birth to puppies I would have had several litters by now so I'm not entirely unmaternal.
Good luck OP

I wasn't certain I wanted children, I was worried about the lack of freedom in toddler years. I decided that wouldn't last forever and went ahead. He's the love of my life so far and makes me so happy.

I have less freedom but I don't mind that much to be honest as he is the trade off and I can't imagine my life without him.

Only you know the reasons why you feel hesitant and in a way it's best not to let others influence you as only you can know.

I also didn't want to grow old without children.

Having step children in my first marriage massively put me off having kids when I was 25. I'm now 45 and never regretted my decision.

I'd never really thought about it until then, just found weekends (he was a weekend dad) incredibly tedious with the kids around so decided it wasn't for me.

I 44 now with 2 dcs 12 and 9.

I never really wanted babies. That sounds awful but what I mean is I never had that urge to hold my own baby. For me (dh and I) children were kind of an abstract thing. I knew I wanted grown-up children in my life. One day it just dawned on us that in order to have grown up children we would have to have babies.

The baby and toddler phase went past in a blur. I loved the younger children phase. Now I have tweens and they're very grumpy with attitude, but it's all quite funny.

My career is better now than ever. I'm glad we did it.

Hi,

Child free lady here. I've known for as long as I can remember that I didn't want any children. I'm not keen on anything or anyone who'd be dependent on me—so no children or pets. Having said that, I do enjoy helping out my adult friends with all sorts of issues. I think I just like adults, really: they interest me and children don't.

I can see that it must play on your mind that you may get to your mid 40s or so and then regret the decision. I'm not sure how you square that one to be honest. I'm just 50 and completely happy with my choice but I can see why that might not be the case for everyone.

Children, although not my choice, are hugely important and I think my advice would be to only have them if you're going into it with your eyes wide open. I really don't think that it's something to do just in case you may regret it later if you don't—IYSWIM.

Hope everything works our for yo.

S x

I never wanted children, every one told me I would change my mind, was in a LTR (not a good one) until my early 30's, I was very sure I wouldn't, I'd be very very blunt with people as I found their assumptions about me so rude (because it is bloody rude IMO)

Started dating after this awful relationship and was never going to date a man with children, as even though I liked children, I liked babies I just didn't want to have children, I just didn't - cool aunt was what I wanted.

Met a man who happened to be the RP of two children, thought how the hell is this going to work, thought it might be a bit of fun, started to fall in love with him, started to have doubts thought I might certainly thought I could be a step-mum then I met them, saw him with them and..

BOOM

Was like a massive bomb went off, it's all I wanted at 35, and now seven miscarriages later, 9 months now of infertility it still hasn't happened and it hurts like hell.

I think if you have found the right person, and you haven't had a boom moment then it's very unlikely to happen, but it might and if you think even for a second it might I would get checked out physically as having that boom moment and not being able too (and I still hope it will happen for me but I'm now 39) is the very worst thing in the world, I wish I'd saved eggs or checked myself out, every day I regret it and it's a very hard thing to deal with.

oklumberjack thats exactly how I feel! No desperation for babies / toddlers at all, but have always seen myself with children 5+, especially teenagers for some reason! Love the idea of supporting them through school & learning etc. Just very aprehensive about having an actual baby.

I also never pictured my life with children in it. People always used to say I would change my mind when I got older/met the right person blah blah. Well I never did change my mind. I have lost a few relationships because of it, but it has also freed me to have any sort deadend relationships just for fun if I wanted to - I never had to consider if he would make a good father/be a good provider/ be a good long term bet. And that is very liberating.

And I have never once regretted my decision. I have had a wonderful fulfilled and fun-filled life which I honestly don't think I could have had with children.

I always knew I didn't want children. Children annoyed me when I was a child. I was always the kid trying to join in the adults' chat instead. But then when my nephews and my cousin's children came along a good few years ago I was besotted with them and they like me and behave pretty well for me. But I still didn't want any of my own. Being Auntie was my calling in life!

And then about 6 months ago I started to feel the first twinges that it might be nice to have children. Not a loud voice yelling "get pregnant now" but a whisper reminding me that all the families I know look to be happy and it might not be the life-ruining disaster I'd always imagined.

I'm 36 and permanently single so I have no way of knowing if I'd met the right man before now if I would have changed my mind or not. Plus my doctor thinks I'm going to start menopause in a few years time so I reckon my feelings now are probably my body's attempt to remind me it's coming close to the last chance where I have to decide now and live with it forever.

Personally I think that if I have no strong feelings either way then no is the way to go. Plus my lack of luck so far in finding a partner means I'm probably not going to slip in under the line.

I met up with a colleague yesterday who's got an 18 month old child. I last saw her when she was 8 months pregnant.

She's aged about 10 years in that 18 months and said she's so sleep deprived it actually physically hurts to stand up, be awake, think and talk.

She also had vomit on her jumper but didn't seem to care