Don't think I want children, but how do you know?

[unsureaboutkids]

Hello all - NC for this (together with my other posts, it could be out-ing).

This is partly to get it off my chest but also to ask of those both who decided not to have children and those who have children - how did you know you did or didn't want them? Did you ever change your mind? What happens if I turn 45 and suddenly decide I want children just when it's going to be hard to conceive?

I'm in my early thirties, in a LTR (for me) with a man I adore. All my friends are having babies now. I've always assumed that once I'd found a lovely, reliable, sexy man who I was in love with that I would want them. But it hasn't happened yet.

My entire family and all my friends keep saying things like "ah, you'll change your mind when you have them" or "you're a loving, caring person, I'm sure you'll want some one day" but... I'm just not that into kids. Then they say "it's different with your own". But I never saw my life with children in it. All my life, whenever I pictured my ideal life in my 50s, it always had the exciting job, lovely man, lots of travel, a dog, a nice place, close friends, my existing family (all of which I'm aware I can have with children too!) but no children.

My nephews and nieces are sweet, but I don't go all gooey when I see them. I'm happy to give them back at the end of the day. I'm inclined to say that I don't want kids (DP happy with whatever I decide and I think genuinely so).

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children in my family or circles of friends. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences you may have.

46 and never wanted any. I actually get on very well with most kids but do find them irritating in anything other than measured doses. Yes, sure, adults can be irritating too, but you can walk away from an adult. Kids are dependent and need care, no matter how you feel, and ultimately that's my reason. I don't want to spend my life caring for children.

Nearly 36, childfree and always known I didnt want kids. All my friends are married with kids but I dont envy them!

Herwego, did you read the thread last week which was full of parents saying they couldn't stand children before they had their own, and now still can't stand any other children apart from their own?

Oily, ignore the nosy hand wringers - i reckon they're just looking for validation for their own choices! DP and i have 2 nieces and we love seeing them but i agree about feeling exhausted and irritated after spending a while in their company. I had a major wobble when eldest niece was born 5 years ago and was so unbelievably jealous of her mum. That has mostly shifted and i am so very grateful now for my freedom and disposable income. I really don't envy her life at all

Heh heh thanks lottapianos! Yes it feels they are passing judgement, I'm sensitive and it can sting a little as I've never, ever commented on anyone's lives re engagements, marriage, kids etc
I know what you mean. When sil had niece we got the qs from his family 'you'll be next' 'when's it your turn' etc and I did feel like 'oh shit this is the expectation' but I honestly feel I wasn't just born to have kids!
Husband is busy and we both know I would be left mostly in charge of home and kids and it's just not for me. I honestly think I'd be very very depressed that my life would no longer be mine. I want to learn in my career, travel, give my love and care to other people and animals.
I love doing 'kid' stuff but I really really love giving them back!
I feel like now I'm in my 30s I'm really finding out who I am as in my personality type, accepting that I'm an introvert at heart, my creativity, what makes me tick and I don't want that to go.
I've been called selfish in the past because I'm denying husband children but I see it as selfless because I'm not bringing a soul into this world just because it's the 'right' thing to do because I have a womb!

Oily, what a marvellous post. I recognise every word. I'm 37 now and I very much identify with your feeling of getting to know yourself better as you get older. I'm an ambivert - I enjoy seeing people and would never want to be a hermit, but I need lots of quiet time too. I have worked with children for 17 years, so have absolutely no illusions about their needs, and am enjoying my job less and less all the time. The thought of having my own children and being around children more or less all the time horrifies me!

Denying your husband children eh? Well I thought I had heard it all but I think that's a new one on me. Its quite incredible how stupid and thoughtless some people are. Plenty of people have children because 'its what you do' or similar reasons and from what I can see, plenty of them are less than happy with their lot, hence the defensiveness and guilt tripping. It does hurt - its a very personal decision and its really not nice to have it questioned. I find it helps to think of their nastiness as being rooted in jealousy and insecurity.

Thanks and your post is wonderful to see-you sound great!
I think I'm an ambivert, sliding a little more towards introversion and that's why I absolutely love my job. I'm one on one with my lovely clients and I have immense job satisfaction from helping people look and feel their best after each treatment.
I have huge respect for people who work with kids because I could never do it. I like their company, esp when they're older but I couldn't be around them all day.
I know what you mean around feeling horrified! We stayed near friends and they're children are lovely but my word the noise! Their house was just full to the brim with kids stuff (which is obviously lovely as the kids love it) but I do like buying nice things and old furniture. I just had this lightening bolt of 'I wouldn't want this to be my house-ever!' moment
I'll admit we were both relieved at the end of the day/night we could leave and enjoy our conversation without it being interrupted and enjoy a meal and a drink!
I mean none of this against anyone with children at all as I realise more and more I have opposite wants against those that chose to have kids and I'm finally accepting that that's nice, it's a good thing.
I read about an interview with (I think) Jennifer Aniston who said just because she doesn't have children it doesn't make her a lesser woman. Her love went on family, friends, animals etc and I thought that was a lovely way to sum that up.
Yes the person that said that was in the pub and my husband did chime in with 'I don't want kids either and it's not Oilys job just to be here to bear my kids'
People are so nosey heh heh!

Good for your husband for sticking up for you Oily

I absolutely love Jennifer Aniston. She has had years and years of public speculation about her uterus. Apparently being stunningly beautiful, talented, successful and being filthy rich counts for nothing if you don't have babies! It's pathetic. She handles it all with such dignity

Didn't see kids in my future at all during my 20's and would have definitely said I didn't want them but felt very different when my niece was born when I was 29 and now have a little DD at 34. The feelings of wanting a child were strong, almost physical.

I have 3 dcs.
I desperately wanted all 3 of them.
That's all I can tell you really.
Whilst ttc that was all that mattered.
If you don't have that feeling then my advice would be don't have them.
I know plenty of people say you will change once they are here but seriously why take that huge risk.
I'm sorry stupid people feel at will to make derogatory comments to childless people.
Of course there are benefits to having children but there are benefits to remaining childless too.

Don't have children you don't want, it isn't fair to them.

Maybe talk to some older childless women - or just observe them. It's fine 'not wanting children' when you're 30. When you're 50 and your chances are shot, it looks very different. Also, when your lovely partner takes up with a younger woman and makes her pregnant right away, that can sting a bit, I've observed.

Don't have children to protect you from possible later pain from not having them. But do bear in mind that the pain might be great and ongoing, and have strategies in place to deal with it.

What Emily said.

I also differentiate between "childfree" & "childless".

I'm childfree because I never wanted kids, so for me it's a positive. I'd use childless as a negative, for people who would have loved to have kids but couldn't, if that makes sense?

Yep you're very right Lotta. Who knows if she wants children? I feel sorry for her though if she was trying to be getting the constant speculation. Also saying 'pregnant' tummy when she has the weeniest bit of skin sticking out.
I always have that pouch from too much pizza

I like that wording of child free, child less always sounds quite harsh and must be especially so for people who want or are trying to have children and are struggling.
It's been really refreshing reading everyone's great opinions both from people who have children and people who don't

'I'm childfree because I never wanted kids, so for me it's a positive. I'd use childless as a negative, for people who would have loved to have kids but couldn't, if that makes sense?'

Absolutely. Childfree should mean that you are happily 'free of children', and lots of non parents don't feel that way at all

I have always liked children but never wanted them in abstract. However, I did very much want my husband's children ifyswim. This meant we had DC late because we married late and we ended up having fewer DC than we wanted because of medical issues. But the world sort of clicked and made sense to me once I'd had DC

And, having seen the traumas a few of my friends have gone through with absent or disengaged fathers, I think a mother's experience of child-bearing can be hugely influenced by how supportive or hands-on (or not) her partner is.

Should you get pregnant though, you never know in reality how you or your partner would react in reality as that's all a bit of a mystery I think - I've seen natural earth mother types turned to zombies and clinical career types turn into to baby obsessives - but you have a bit of time to mull things over and come to your own decision; so don't allow yourself to be pressured by others.

Thanks all for such thoughtful responses. I have been monitoring this thread closely but had NC-ed back to my usual name and couldn't NC again for some reason.

It's been great to read such a variety of viewpoints. It seems like every friend of mine has always wanted children and it's good to see that there is a broad range of experiences out there.

I think the trouble with differentiating between "childfree" and "childless" is that you can't tell from the outside which of those a person is, and to ask is to be rather intrusive about their love lives or gynaecological health.

I'm probably always going to be child free. Part of me is sad about it but I know it's for the best. Mental health issues run in my family and I'd hate to have a child that suffers from depression and anxiety the way I do

Plus, I barely manage to look after myself some days despite the fact I manage to hold down a fairly responsible full time job. I'm about to becomea first time puppy owner so that will just have to fulfil my maternal urges for now

Hi beautiful people!

I'm 43, nearly 44. Never really planned to have kids inspite of being married to the loveliest man. I've been quite focused on my job, in fact, and enjoyed the carefree life of a childless woman.

However, last year I became pregnant spontaneously and without planning. Sadly I had a fetal loss at 14 weeks, and it was very sad.

Since then I guess I've been griving, and thinking of having a child, although this seems completely unrealistic, for many reasons. I even tried IVF once, unsuccessfully. I had feelings of failure and loss. I felt pushed into donor eggs. So many women are doing it. But is this even a choice that is right for us?

And deep down I don't even know if a child would make sense in our lives. Am I getting crazy? Is this grief? Fear of missing out? Or a sincere desire of being a mum?

I knew from early adulthood that I didn't want children. I'm not entirely sure why. I had a lovely childhood and adore my parents. Still .

I think that the following song lyrics sum it up:

'For a no good bum like me;
To live is to be free'

I guess I just adore the freedom that being childfree (and single) brings.

I'm 53 next month. Did I regret my decision? Absolutely not — and you can take that to the bank

I'm a nurse when I worked on the wards the older people ho had no visitors were childless and all friends and family had died etc so no visitors. They used to tell me they never wanted kids and didnt miss not having them but they did miss having grand kids x

I was always adamant I never wanted children, was head focused on getting my career, travelling the world living my best free life. I then met my now dh for the first year or so we both agreed no children it just didn't fit our lifestyle (won't lie we liked to be selfish and have everything we wanted) about 2 years in things started to change I no longer was soley focused on the career and was dying to have a baby and my dh felt the same. We now have 2 beautiful DC's my whole perception on life changed and yes I'm still quite career focused it's just taking a bit longer but everyone's different xx

I really don't think that someone who didn't want children in particular for many years suddenly gets a "biological clock" urge and is desperate to have children at 39

I did
I had 2 in 2 years and haven't regretted it for a minute.

Having a family is a very personal thing, you have to make the decision yourself as noone else can possibly know what it right for you.

I never really wanted children - just some vague thought of having them in the future.
At 28 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and the consultant said if I wanted DC’s I needed to get on with it immediately.
So we did and had DC1. But I can’t say I was particularly impressed. I could have taken or left parenthood.
However, at about 36 my body clock kicked in and I was desperate for another DC.
DC2 was born when I was 38 and it was an entirely different (better) experience.

Hi not sure if you are still on here but would be interested to see if you Have your decision now? X