Don't think I want children, but how do you know?

[unsureaboutkids]

Hello all - NC for this (together with my other posts, it could be out-ing).

This is partly to get it off my chest but also to ask of those both who decided not to have children and those who have children - how did you know you did or didn't want them? Did you ever change your mind? What happens if I turn 45 and suddenly decide I want children just when it's going to be hard to conceive?

I'm in my early thirties, in a LTR (for me) with a man I adore. All my friends are having babies now. I've always assumed that once I'd found a lovely, reliable, sexy man who I was in love with that I would want them. But it hasn't happened yet.

My entire family and all my friends keep saying things like "ah, you'll change your mind when you have them" or "you're a loving, caring person, I'm sure you'll want some one day" but... I'm just not that into kids. Then they say "it's different with your own". But I never saw my life with children in it. All my life, whenever I pictured my ideal life in my 50s, it always had the exciting job, lovely man, lots of travel, a dog, a nice place, close friends, my existing family (all of which I'm aware I can have with children too!) but no children.

My nephews and nieces are sweet, but I don't go all gooey when I see them. I'm happy to give them back at the end of the day. I'm inclined to say that I don't want kids (DP happy with whatever I decide and I think genuinely so).

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children in my family or circles of friends. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences you may have.

The other thing that has confirmed me in my decision is that my friend is a really wonderful committed loving mother and as her kids hit the teenage/ late teenage years they are just as much work and commitment and heartbreak and worry as they are when they are younger!

I see how much effort and work her and her husband put into their children- and I am vicariously very grateful as they are lovely kids and great company- but I do not have it in me to always be 'on' and available like she is.

gillybeanz do you have any tattoos? Or blue hair? Or gold teeth? If not why don't you try it, after all you'll never know until you do it.

I remember telling a colleague years ago that i didn't want to have children. Her response was the same - ' but how do you know unless you have them?' i thought it was one of the most stupid things i had ever heard. Let's all go ahead and have babies just in case and hey, it's the normal thing to do anyway! Parents who say stuff like this don't seem to have a clue how hurtful and patronising they are being. No one EVER questions people who say they are planning to become parents, even if they openly admit that they are clueless about children, but people without children are fair game for some

I always wanted kids - but they are definitely a big hassle, take all your time, make work life balance really difficult, esp if you are invested in your career. That's ok for me and DH who wanted and adore ours. But if it's a crazy thing to do if you've no actual desire to!

I have a few work colleagues in their 50s with the kind of life you describe and they seem to be happy! One says she was devastated in her 30s not to be able to have DC but that she and her H had got through that and "made the best of it" and it had turned out well.

Your OP seems awry on fertility: some women have DC at 45 but if you're already in your 30s it's definitely good to consider what you want (and don't want) , because having DC can become much harder, if you did decide to try to have DC, the sooner the better biologically.

And of course many younger women (and men) have fertility issues.

I ALWAYS wanted kids. From a toddler I would coo over babies and always want to look after kids younger than me. I had my 1st at 22 and my 3rd is due in a couple of months. My DH otoh was never ever bothered about other people's kids but he fell in love with DD1 the second he held her and is absolutely the best father I could wish for for my children. He still doesn't care for other people's kids but recently said if we won the lottery he would want more children (without that lottery win we'll be stopping at 3!).

I think, for the hypothetical DCs sake it would be better to regret not having them than having them and regretting it. If you changed your mind when it was 'too late' then you could look in to adoption.

I was sure I didn't want any till I turned 34, then it was like a light switch. Love ds (almost 2) like no other, would love another but dp says no.

I'm 43, single & childfree & I wouldn't want it any other way. I know this is exactly right for me.

I love spending time with my niece & nephew & I'm happy to coo over friends' babies but the half-a-dozen close friends I see regularly are all either childfree or have adult children.

The idea of having kids because you won't know whether you want them until you've got them feels insane IMO. It's not as if you can hand them back!

I'm sure I'd make the best of it. That is entirely separate from me not wanting to take that path.

Yep.

I think you know when you envision your future.
Despite finding children tiresome and irritating, I knew I wanted a Family of my own. And when I envisioned my future I saw myself with grandchildren and grown up children all around me.
I knew that to have that would mean sacrifices on my part- career, independence, finances etc. But I thought it a fair deal.
But there's more than one way to be happy in life, and if you think children aren't for you then childfree sounds like a blissful existence
Women have too much pressure on them to become mothers, my friends who don't have children are repeatedly asked when they will 'settle down'

I accidentally fell pregnant at 33 with DS. Before then, didn't particularly like children, didn't particularly want them. People who knew me, laughed at the thought of me being a mum. I just did not feel maternal. When I fell pregnant, I suddenly morphed into this semi-earth mother. DS and I would play while I used to have a rest in the afternoons towards the end. (He'd kick, I'd tap where his knee/foot or whatever had knocked and we'd go back and forth). He turns 20 this year!

As women in the U.K. we have choices about contraception and pregnancy. I know I do not want children and therefore accidental pregnancy or not I would not have any.

I can only assume people on here that said they did not want children but then went on to have them and made the best of it didn't really 'not want children' but more of a 'won't consciously make that choice but if it happens I'll have them anyway'. For those that this happened to do you really feel that you 100% never wanted them if you continued with the pregnancy?

Women have too much pressure on them to become mothers
I must move in different circles, because until I had children (at 36) noone ever suggested I'd have them. I don't think it was really the norm in the circles I moved in

AnotherDayHasGone I definitely didn't want any until I turned 35. But if I couldn't have had any, I'd have made the best of it, just as those who have children unexpectedly do.

For people who are ambivalent about having children, there's no one right answer, as otherwise there wouldn't be this thread.

AnotherDay I think you're underestimating how strongly many people feel about abortion.

For myself, I agree with you. I don't want to be pregnant. If in two weeks I discover that I am pregnant, that doesn't change my mind. I still don't want to be pregnant. So I'll go and do the necessary things in order to be not-pregnant.

I had this overwhelming feeling that it was the right time for me to have a baby. I thought about it all the time and it was just something I felt so strongly that I wanted.

Now I have my DS I'm so happy and he's just amazing. I may or may not have another - if I don't get that overwhelming urge to have another i will probably stop at just one. I won't have another because of societal pressures or anything.

Do what's right for you.

Trills I guess that is probably one of the main reasons people who don't want children then make the best of it. Though If that was me I would be doubling up on contraception .

This is quite a difficult topic for me. I never wanted children as I have always been a real free spirit, independent, love doing my own thing etc. My partner was always ambivalent too. However I got sucked into all the scare stories in the media how difficult for women in their late 30s etc and how you will regret it when you're older, and I didn't want to be left out if all my friends had them so we thought we would try. (never once thinking it would actually happen). But it did pretty much straight away age 40 and we now have a 2 year old. I love her to bits and wouldn't change her for the world, BUT, it has been very difficult accepting the huge change in life. I think if you do decide to go for it, then make sure you are prepared for exactly how much your life will change - life without children is a lot easier :)

I am planning on taking early retirement at 45. You can't do that if you have children.

Sodom, that sounds utterly glorious. I'm 37 and if I could retire in 8 years, I would be ten thousand times more productive at work!

I wouldn't over think it, keep carrying on loving your life as it is and see how you feel

.

I've been a mother since I was 16 so 24yrs now. So for me I've been a mother longer than I was ever not one. I can see why many women chose to remain childless - children absolutely restrict careers and finances and you can't swan off on a world tour until they uproot and leave, then soon after they have kids and you're babysitting grandchildren (not in my case yet eldest is gay and others too young). There is definitely too much pressure on married couples to have children. I've been guilty of it myself but learnt my lesson when I've been told they are having trouble TTC etc. I'd never judge a woman who chooses to remain childless. I do think the love you have for a child is like no other but my god they are hard work at times!
Op - you've plenty of time if you do change your mind - just go with the flow and see where life takes you

Hmmmmn well to those who find children irritating it's better that you stay child free.
You obviously don't see them as small people in their own right.
Most people are irritating at times.

I was totally on the fence about children. When I met now-DH, he was keen to go for it and I just went along with him, really. I have had some really terrifying "what have I done!" moments and I'm not convinced I'm a terribly good mother, though I do try hard, read lots and think deeply about this 'project' of raising my daughter.

I do love DD very dearly and think she's amazing but the amazingness adds an extra layer of pressure, IYKWIM, to what is already a difficult task. I really don't want to mess her up! It has also challenged my relationship with DH in a number of ways.
Having a child was a very interesting experience, and I don't mean than in a flippant way. I think being pregnant and giving birth, then getting through the baby stages are all a part of the 'human experience' and have certainly made me more empathetic and patient.

I am happy with the child I have and although I miss the baby she was I don't feel that's a good enough reason to have more babies!

Hi! I'm going to be 36 this year, husband is 38 and we feel we don't want kids.
We do occasionally have a chat 'should we?' But mostly then debate about this being due to social pressure (no family pressure) and not because either of us feel an urge for kids.
Husband has his own businesses and wants to retire by 50. I've just gone self employed in holistic/Beauty therapies and adore my work! We love to go out, travel, lay in, enjoy a leisurely Sunday brekkie, meals when and where we want.
I'm an introvert and honestly feel a child being noisy and creating mess would drain me so much.
We love our niece and nephew but Jesus they're draining. When we see them we both get into bed like 'what the feck just happened' and also echoes of my name being said constantly all day make me feel
Kids are ok but can be irritating. Yes of course they are 'people in their own right' but generally you can't get away from them iyswim? With an annoying adult I can deal with that but with a kid most people (especially their parents ) think they're the best thing since sliced bread and everyone MUST keep their eyes and ears focussed on the child or else the world will end! How draining!
I adore my pets, shame I can't birth kittens
I know I will never regret my decision to remain child free-I love my life!
It's a shame hearing the odd 'your life isn't complete' comment from people we know with kids, as though their life is better than ours. It's not a competition! I just smile and tell them it's a conscious decision and I love how my life is but thank you for your concern