Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

[InfoSec21]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I have butterflies for my non-date with Beardy. This is ridiculous.

Still, at least by the end of it, I will know if there's definitely no hope.

Pringlecat hope it goes well. Update us when you get back x

Can I join in? Feeling a bit demoralised! After a few non starters I Accepted a tinder date last night after a few days messaging. I knew we had a fair bit in common and his pics looked great, but when we met it was an instant spark and really fancied him. Seemed like it was mutual. We spent three hours chatting, he went in for a kiss, bit of fast forwarding/future faking by him I'd say but I was pretty sure that a second date would be on the cards. Got to the point where we were debating whether to go back to mine and I said I wanted to see him again so didn't want to jeopardise that by a one night stand, he said "regardless of if I go home with you or not I definitely want to see you again anyway" and he sounded so sincere! So I put my concerns aside (had also had a fair bit to drink...) Anyway- more chat at mine, more kissing, sex, he stayed over, I had to get up v early for work and he left. Crickets since then! And it's only just hit me that he probably was just saying what I wanted to hear and the whole thing was always just going to be a one night stand Jesus I thought i was so much smarter than this. To add insult to injury he is an actor, so of course he's a good liar/knows how to say all the right things!
Hand hold please... I've had a few fantastic first dates now after being quite picky with who I meet up with, and they've basically all come to nothing!

Hi molly

Well, possibly it was always ever only going to be a one night thing. Possibly not.

From my perspective, if you jump into bed with someone quickly, it lessens the chance of building a relationship with someone. It's got to be either an amazing mental spark with someone, or amazing, mind-blowing sex with someone, for a man to want to see them again after one date, which ended in sex.

I had a great date the other night. Now I don't know if I want to see her again. Distance, flakiness, and a few annoying things she's said.

If I'd gone to bed with her that night, there's actually a smaller chance I'd want to see her again.

I'm not saying I'd want to see her again for the challenge of getting her into bed, or anything. I want to have a relationship.

But if I sleep with her very quickly, part of my lizard brain will lose interest in her, so there had better be an emotional connection which is strong enough to compensate for that.

This is not behaviour I choose, of course. It's subconscious.

Have you tried sending him a message? Nothing clingy, or overly sweet - just something funny, acknowledging the awkwardness maybe, and seeing if he fancies a second date?

That's worked on me before

Hello molly and Bant! Whilst I agree with you, Bant, I ended up having sex with the man I was seeing for nearly three weeks on our third date (five or more days between each date) and he seemed very, very keen on us seeing each other again. I got a few messages from him as soon as three hours after I'd left his house inciting me to meet up with him again. It was all systems go for a fourth 'date'.... and then I made the fatal mistake of sending him several messages on the trot. ( I think, in retrospect, he whipped me up into a semi-frenzy with all enthusiasm that I lost my usual self-control.)

Molly, the transition between full-on chemistry and complete silence is very unsettling, isn't it? I keep reminding myself (despite my emotions and hormones) that this man is not worth it. Anyone who can disappear without a trace of courtesy is not good enough for you!

Oh I think the third date can still be too early. And then again, the first date can also be fine.

It really depends on so many things.

Some men do just try and charm a woman into bed. Others are genuinely, honestly interested in a woman, and then things change once they've DTD.

(In our defence, I've known women to suddenly go from being vivacious, chatty, funny and carefree to being anxious, clingy and spiteful immediately after sex. Some of this may have been a change in perception of them, but in other cases there was a definite change in their personality)

Bant, perhaps you could shed some light on a man's behaviour immediately after sex (since we're on the subject)? The last couple of men I slept with remained physically very, close afterwards, plenty of huging and kissing, etc. Is it overly simplistic to say that this kind of behaviour implies the man is interested in more than just sex?

I'm not sure how much you can extrapolate from that, thisis

Everyone's different

I know it shouldn't bother me- I'm 28 and a mother fgs and I don't have illusions etc- but I feel sooo flat tonight. The date was absolutely lovely. He said a lot of things that seemed very convincing thAt he thought so too. The sex was great, if drunken. This morning was a bit rushed but I had to go and pick up my dd and then get to work! I just never expected particularly as he had been blowing up my phone with messages nearly every day since we started talking (yes I know red flag!) now nothing. And he has been on what's app so it's not a lack of phone or anything!
I was pretty excited about him by the end of date 1. How naive was I. And I am beating myself up for the sex because I could have predicted this. I feel so tired of rejection with no apparent reason!

Hello! Can I join please?
Been lurking a while with a couple of posts last December...

Feeling demoralised too unfortunately.
Just been told by the bloke I met 5 weeks ago on Pof that he doesn't want to see me again. Been to each other's houses, DTD a few times, but I don't think we really hit it off in hindsight. He wanted a full on relationship from the outset, which I found a bit much!! I wanted to take things slowly, and was accused of wanting to see him as it was 'convenient' for me and he didn't want a part time relationship!! Harsh!! Also not true. Just wasn't up for jumping in both feet first after 5 weeks and about 7/8 dates!! I don't think that's unreasonable is it?? (also was very hurt/blinded to flaws in my last relationship so want to know someone well before moving things on like meeting friends/family/children)

So a bit bruised today, and we had plans for tomorrow night which he has obviously cancelled. But I am determined the right person is out there for me (not him obviously) Be great to have support from you lovely people 😊

Fair enough Bant

I got mine into bed on the 3rd date. No regrets here!

Princess I think it has happened to a lot of us, some men do know the right things to say to get us into bed with them ( and we fall for it ), it has happened to me before, I have DTD on a first date (a few times), most of them have continued to message, one disappeared and then reappeared a few weeks later (thought he would try his luck for a second time), one I had a relationship with for a year.
I think all you can do is forget him and move on, not all men are like him but maybe learn from this and don't dtd on the first date unless you can handle the fact that it may be a one night stand. I hate rejection too but I am guilty of doing the same to a few dates"

Hi all
My first question on the new thread!
So, I have been exchanging messages with a guy on POF (I only joined a couple of weeks ago). The conversation has mainly revolved around him moving back to the city where we live, as he has been away with work.
I asked him a couple of days ago to tell me a bit more about himself. He sent a detailed message but said that it would probably be easier to chat. So I gave him my number (something I don't readily do) and he gave me his. He said he'd call.
Next day there was an apology that he hadn't called (I hadn't given the impression there was any pressure or obligation!), but he had birthday celebrations. I said don't be silly, and wished him a Happy Birthday.
Since then, no call or text, but he does continue to message me daily on the site. I am just ignoring, as this strikes me as being a bit unusual, especially when it was his idea to have a chat!
Thoughts?

Bant when would you say was right?

I was with my ex for over 10 years so feel very out of touch now!

Hope pringlecat is having a good evening .

Also, chatting to someone on POF, seems nice, how long would you leave it before swapping numbers, arranging a date?

Dieu nothing helpful, that just seems odd!

I would go with busy but that would mean you wouldn't have time for on site messages or you could say that.

I'm getting really fed up of ppl not saying things or answering questions, although asked someone (work related) 4 times over about 5 hours before I got a response.

allthem

There isn't a perfect time. For some, people dtd on the first date and end up married with kids. Others wait a month or three and then it all goes weird. That's why you need a thick skin.

But.. be aware that when you do do it, it can make a man draw back - especially if the woman starts acting weird too (pull-push type stuff)

The non sexual relationship - laughter, emotional connection etc - that has to be strong enough. Otherwise it's probably going to fail.

What 'strong enough' is, well that's different for everyone. Or the sex has got to be amazing.

This is no help, sorry :)

MM has now sent me two messages today. I've sent four. I really can't be arsed anymore. She's on whatsapp, didn't read my message for a couple of hours. Isn't interested in seeing what I had to say.

I'm not going to chase. She can, if she wants. I'm tired of chasing.

Shame.

Bant it's good if you can do that. I usually know what I should do then don't.

Atm, I can be delayed replying to WhatsApp messages bcs I'm busy and it takes me so long to write the replies, so I might wait until I have time to focus on the reply a few hours later. But I would reply to each message unless it was really late... I have Do Not Disturb enabled on my phone but aware it's not a standard thing. Glad of it when I was called at 3am! I'm a night owl but don't want to disturb someone's sleep if they need to be up early!

That's why I want to keep alcohol out of the equation, much easier to stay sensible.

On my way home. Long update to follow...

Can't wait to hear Pringlecat :) hope it went well xx

Right, well, it was a long one. I'm quite philosophical about it. I don't think I'm going to ever see Beardy again and I'm OK with that.

We started off with the best of intentions of just being friends, but then there was handholding and kissing and sharing deep and meaningful conversations and trying to turn the Very Big Differences into Reasonably Big But Not Insurmountable Differences.

I don't think feels he has anything to offer me due to our very different finances and backgrounds. I disagreed.

He asked to take some time out to think about what he really wants. Because as he pointed out, we're both the type to get married in a few months, be really happy and then have a car crash breakup in a few years because of those differences coming up again.

It was a really intense date. A really long date. It felt like the way it ended could be an ending. It didn't feel unfinished. Unfinished is what messes with my head. There was none of that.

I think he feels inferior to the point that he'll date his other iron and he won't ever get back in touch with me because he won't feel he's worth it. And that's a shame. It is. But I don't doubt that he does think I'm amazing and it's his insecurities holding him back. And for me, right now, it's enough to know that one guy thinks I'm amazing.

I think he's lovely, but I am secure in myself to say that I don't need anyone to make me complete. I think I would have fallen madly in love with him and that would have been nice, but if he wants to make the wrong call, I can live with it.

I am going to take some time out from OLD, catch up on posts and follow your adventures. And then when I'm ready, I'll date other people and never hear from Beardy again. But I will be fine, because I know now I am loveable. This ended before it started because of his baggage. Not mine.

Me too. i would not be interested in a bloke telling me he couldnt make up his mind between me and someone else (that has happened to me but we were both 18 at the time! As it happens I told him to go with her as he was obviously out of his depth with me.... funnily he chose me and we ended up together for 3 years).

But now, in grown up world I'd help him out and give him the heave ho. He's got all the power hasnt he? I hope your dating lots of other people.

Sorry - overlapped. I was agreeing with Info...

Hope you're okay Pringle, sounds like a heavy duty evening.

My Tinder woman sent me her phone number tonight. I was driving home and in the space of that, she followed up to say sorry guess it was too soon, because I hadn't replied. To be fair, I did a 45 min drive without letting her know I wasn't going to be on my phone for a bit so I can see why she thought it had scared me off.

Had a reply tonight from someone I will call Angelina Scary or AS. Spotted her, looked at the pics. Loads of tats, gym bunny, massive boobies, big lips, looks like Angelina Jolie. She kinda scared me a bit, like what the hell would I do with that? She mentioned a few homely sounding interests too though so books and covers and all that I dropped her a message. Lone behold she replied.

Will see if she replies again tomorrow. Don't mind if she doesn't, my mother would never approve.