Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

[InfoSec21]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
   
2. Develop a thick skin.
   
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
   
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
   
5. Trust your gut instinct.
   
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
   
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
   
8. If it's not fun, stop.
   
9. Loo update is mandatory.
   

10. No dating the thread.

[Allthembuckets]

That's how I'd like to be but no doubt wouldn't!

Children are a big difference/deal breaker. It depends on if one of you wants more and the other doesn't? Trying to say everyone is different! I'm talking to a guy via POF who's profile says he doesn't want children. I would like more but have accepted that might not be the case. If it's the opposite, then I think it is a deal breaker and unlikely to change for either of you.

My SIL didn't want kids but was childless and her exh wasn't the best choice for her as potential parents.

[pringlecat]

I find people ignore the children bit on POF. Which is frankly stupid and I hate them all for it. I'm never taking a punt with "Prefers not to say" again. It's always the wrong way round to what you want.

Because of the Very Big Difference, I suspect the other iron will win out. Oh, but honestly, even knowing he has another iron, a small part of me is even considering casual MBs and I am not that kind of girl. I won't, because I would regret it, but he makes me reconsider lines that I've drawn, which indicates just how strong a connection I feel.

Timing. It's a real bastard, isn't it?

[MyUsername200]

I need to air my frustrations.
So MrTalkative has gone completely quiet before our first date. Feeling a bit low as I thought we got on well and it would have been nice to meet him. What frustrates me is the fact he hasn't even had the courage to cancel the date. Just seems a little cowardly to arrange dinner and drinks & then not even bother to cancel if he's not feeling it.

[Bluegirl25]

MyUsername200 when is the date meant to be? Have you contacted him? x

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Hi all place marking on new thread to catch up properly later. Mr Planes is still keen, meeting on Saturday night! It's so good on text, I'm hopeful it's as good in person...

[Bant]

MyUsername - I think there are probably theeee reasons why people go quiet between asking and having the date.

some people just get someone to agree to a date as a validation thing, with no real intention to follow through.
Some people don't know what to talk about until you've taken the next step - meeting.
Some are focusing on the next iron to line up the next date after/before you


Now, if it's the first, then he's worth dropping.
If it's the second or the third, then that doesn't bode well, but - message him. Be funny. Send a jokey comment, or a joke, or say something relevant and interesting.

He's done the asking out. It does actually take some bravery to ask someone out, you know. We get rejected, it's hurtful when that happens, so asking itself is a brave thing. If you want to keep the conversation going, and keep him interested in you, maybe you should do some work to do that?

Its the opposite of cowardly to arrange the drinks, as we get told 'no'.

This isn't directed at anyone here, but seriously,
Men send the huge majority of first messages
Men ask the woman on the first date, most of the time
Men are usually expected to choose the place, and travel if needs be, to a place where the woman is comfortable
Men are often expected, by some, to pay for everything. But also if a man offers to, it can be seen as patriarchal and old fashioned. So we're expected to read minds.

even if all the above aren't true in your cases, they are in general. Do we really have to put all the effort in between asking for the date and meeting too? Can't a woman put some effort in to keep the conversation going?

Ideally, it should be effortless of course. It should be fun.

But.. if it's not that, at least it should be fair.

[RunnnyMummy]

I had a date last night. It was great. We talked about seeing each other again.
I just hope he doesn't change his mind because I really liked him.

[Bant]

MM has gone radio silent again. I've sent the last three messages. Nothing from her since mid afternoon.

I'm rapidly losing interest.

[Bluegirl25]

Bant did she reply to your messages? It's a shame as your date sounded amazing.

[Lovemusic33]

Bant I would just back off completely, try and forget about her, if she messages you then fine but don't chase.

Feeling totally fed up today, I have a weekend free this weekend and no date, mainly because I'm hoping Mr MOD will step up (though I have got to the point where I have almost given up), I am very tempted to sign back up to POF as I have no new irons lined up through Tinder or Bumble. But another part of me is thinking 'I'm too busy to date right now'. Mr Mod didn't even bother to message me after work last night (he usually does, even if it's just to tell me that he's tired and going to bed), he had time to look through my Fb and like one of my photos though . I no longer message him first, I'm not going to chase after him.
Have not heard from Mr Drone which is disappointing because I liked the look of him and he lives closer than Mr mod, I might break my rules and message him later.

[Pavonia]

Bant what is your evidence that men send the majority of first messages etc?

[InfoSec21]

Pringle, hope it works out for and goes your way :)

I'm with Bant there. Think from our side for a sec. We make the effort to hook up the date and then both parties go quiet. For you, he's gone quiet. For him, you've gone quiet and probably don't want the date. Now he doesn't know whether to message because he will feel like he's bothering you.

A message at this point could make all the difference. If he doesn't answer nothing is lost but it's the best chance of giving it a needed nudge along.

LM33 there is a name for this these days, it's called bread crumbing. When people go quiet and don't come through but they like a few pictures and stuff just to keep their hand in and keep you wondering what's going on and keep messing with your head.

I'm not saying he's doing this, just saying that there is a name for this.

[Bant]

There was a report from okcupid, pavonia, that straight women send something like 22% of first messages.

It fits in with the philosophy that women like men to do the approaching. And men like to be the hunter.

It's old fashioned rubbish, of course, but that's the way it is

[Pavonia]

There was an interesting study reported on Tinder (sorry it's the Mail) which showed that Women contact 21% of their matches and men only 7%.

www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3710505/What-Tinder-strategy-Men-likely-casually-swipe-right-women-match-attract-them.html

Obviously the sites work differently as you need to match first on Tinder. Men and women certainly approach these things differently, It seems that men have more of a scatter gun approach. On OKCupid I wonder how many of those first messages from men are "Hi" or "How's u", not much different to a right swipe on Tinder.

[pringlecat]

I rarely contact first these days because I find men don't reply! I get the impression that they secretly want to make the first contact. Ignoring men and waiting for messages has a much better hit rate!

Seeing Beardy tonight. Not sure if it's a date or a non-date. Wish me luck either way...

[RunnnyMummy]

pringle that's interesting. I've had more success with the ones I message first.

I messaged the guy I'm supposed to be having dinner with on Saturday to say that i expected to have some communication between agreeing to a date and the actual date. Especially when there is a week between. His reply was to send me his phone number.

Going completely against some of the comments above, I suggested the place, booked the table and have to travel the furthest. If he doesn't make any effort by tomorrow I will tell him to get lost. I don't want to waste my time on someone who can't send a simple text.

[OutToGetYou]

I've sent loads of first messages but none has led to any kind of conversation - mismatched expectations I suppose. the guys who like the look of me are not the ones I would choose first and the ones I do choose first obvs don't like the look of me....

As for first messages from men, I don't count the 'hi there' ones (that is what POF sends when yous end a 'flirt' anyway) or the 'you're not helping my morning glory' one! But, yes, there have been quite a few and these are the ones that have led to further conversation.

The paying thing is a pain. I'd rather share, I know men feel the need to offer (or think we think they should), so that's fine, but then I say 'no, let me pay half' but they say no no, I'm not going to press it or make a scene. Last one he did that, I gave up but I paid the tip.

I might try to get it out of the way before the next first date and say something like "let's keep this first meeting quite informal, just to see how we get along, pay halves, etc" when we're making arrangements, and see if that works.

[Mumfun]

Bant yes dont chase. Have learnt not worth it in long run. They have to want to be with you. Have had similar experience in past in dating terms so feeling empathetic this morning

Pringle horrible situation. but again I think they have to really want to be with you just you-so I think I might leave him to it too. But its so hard and painful

Runny and Info Glad sounds good

Stubborn I would have not been sure what to do I think.

I dont have to deal with the kids thing as too old for that now

And I like daily contact to start with. Just helps you keep in touch with the person

I used not to send any messages but do now when I see a profile I really identify with and usually get a reply from them. But not always.

I haven't time to reply to all messages and hard to tell if some are scammers . So guess most people feel the same so there are a lot unanswered.

What do you think if someone keeps looking at your profile day after day but doesn't message? I decided to message him last night because I liked his profile a lot.

When do you call someone an iron? When you agree a date or is it just if you are chatting? Need clued up more on date speak lol

[Allthembuckets]

pringlecat Yep
I didn't know that about POF, I almost didn't bother with the guy who's got "No" there for having children.

I'm really busy working wise this week due to problems caused by people not doing their job correctly, so tired and not in the right mood. So I didn't go on the date last night (maybe reschedule next week) and I don't think the one this afternoon will happen. I did only agree "tentively" due to work being so busy.

I would expect to pay my share but I had to be pretty insistent to buy a round on my last date. Why do men seem to want to pay? Do they think it's expected by either their date or society?

[minop]

Well my date got cancelled today because something came up at work for him. He phoned to tell me and was really apologetic so I'm not too bothered by it. Only thing now is we're both away on holidays so wouldn't be able to do a date for 2-3 weeks so I think it's going to fall by the way side.

I'm going to delete my profile for the next few weeks and start afresh after my holidays. I have only a few warm irons and no time to date so I'm looking forward to the break.

[InfoSec21]

Sounds like a plan minop, I'm sure you'll have a fresh approach on it when you get back.

I'm chatting to someone on Tinder. I've broken my usual rules yet again. I'm thinking my usual rules haven't got me anywhere before so maybe the rules are wrong.

She's sticking her tongue out on her main picture and I HATE that. It's not cute or funny (to me), it's awful!! She's right on the top of my age preferences, she's 50.

She seems nice though and she's hawt so let's see!

[Strawberryjam34]

I'm not getting far with Bumble! I've run out of people to swipe now. I'm thinking this means I'm either too picky or pig ugly! I'm going back to the drawing board. I've exchanged a couple of messages with men but, that's it! I will persevere as I like a challenge 😂 It's better, in my opinion, to Tinder anyway!

[OutToGetYou]

I've seen loads of profiles with 'no' in the 'have children' and then they are in the photos or mentioned in the text.

Only with with 'don't want children' in that box - rest always say 'open minded' or 'not sure' or whatever it is. A few have said they DO want them (so I avoid those).

I'm ambivalent about kids. Not got any, 49 this year so too old, don't mind if they have them but I really don't want to be that involved - no 'second mum' status for me (struggled with last 'stepson', though this was mainly due to lack of respect from the ex towards me which rubbed off on ss and meant I was treated poorly by both of them all the time). So, older kids is more likely to be OK with me - but at my age (and theirs) this is usually the case anyway.

[SpringtimeSun]

When you swipe right on Tinder just because you keep seeing the same profile with the same picture of some guys car and it annoys you that there is no face pic....so you match and say......"you really should have a face pic up....."

then 2 days later you're checking your Tinder messages and think "WTF is that I've been messaging?..." then it dawns on you that he's put up a pic and he REALLY shouldn't have bothered!!!

[Strawberryjam34]

What other sites would people recommend? I'm looking for something discrete (I don't want everyone in my town to know about it 😂) and with a limited amount of crazy people / pervs! Does this exist?