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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 19/03/2017 10:12

You are going to forgive him, forget about it and move on. You can just tell by your responses. He is a creep, I wouldnt want him around my daughters if they were that age. Who wants a husband who people think like that about?

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:13

Phoenix, very genuinely, how? She's seventeen, she is over the age of consent. Perhaps I am minimising but honestly that's only in response to the posts about visits from the police, ending up on a sex offenders list.

What I think happened is that she had a crush on him and he was flattered and loved the attention and lapped it up.

Is that worth ending my marriage over? I don't know. But bringing things that aren't relevant into it aren't helpful.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 10:13

He has abused his position of trust here towards this young person.

Babymamamama · 19/03/2017 10:13

Yuck. LTB.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:14

He was grooming her. It would have moved to more explicit sexual texts and then he would have fuxked her.

To do that, he was taking advantage of his position of power in her workplace.

You're minimising. Which I suppose is understandable. But how can you look at him? Lie beside him at night knowing he took advantage of a young girl?

Did he never hug her? Never lay a hand on her knee that lingered just a bit too long?

Has he checked the agreement with the school re her work experience to ensure he didn't put himself in loco parents and be held to the same standards as a teacher?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 19/03/2017 10:15

But it doesn't matter if he hasn't broken a law. Lots of people seperatefor many many reasons that aren't breaking the law. I must said rightly or wrongly if I was the mother and you didn't leave him, I would be judging you badly too.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:16

She had a crush on him.

You are victim blaming.

He had responsibility to show you the messages the minute she sent one that was inappropriate, go to his hr dept and ask advice, contact the school. He didn't. He kept it secret and was enjoying the thrill.

thethoughtfox · 19/03/2017 10:16

He better hope HR don't get involved.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:16

He abused his position of trust but he is not a sex offender, she is 17, the laws in the UK protect those under the age of consent (16) unless she has any learning disabilities which could make her unable to give valid consent, she is still vulnerable at 17 but it is not illegal. I agree it's being side tracked by police threats, unless this is unwanted contact it is not harassment or illegal - it's just a bit grim and sleazy of him.

Is he upset about this? He's just trying to get out of it?

SparklyMagpie · 19/03/2017 10:16

"He loved the attention and lapped it up" yuck!

You are definitely minimising it! And agree with the other poster who said you'll stay together

It is worth ending a marriage over, I wouldn't dream of texting things like that to a 17 year old boy and I'm 26.

He's old enough to be her dad, low self esteem or not he should have fucking shut it down, and on knowing she had a crush I'd have refused to give her lifts

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:17

If you have daughters. What are you going to do when they are 17 and bringing friends to the house? Because you know he will do this again.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:17

I'm probably biased because I got in a relationship with someone I worked with when I was 17. He was (still is) 14 years older than me.

I was certainly NOT groomed, and it was me that initiated it.

So whilst I agree that some 17 year olds maybe a bit naive and could be taken advantage of, this is definitely not always the case.

I think tht his behaviour towards you is unacceptable because he's acting like complimenting another woman like that (regardless of age) is ok, and it isn't.

It's up to you whether you end your marriage obviously, and whether you can trust him not to do this with anyone else. If you can trust him and he understands and agrees that his behaviour is completely inappropriate then why not try?

It would be a completely different situation if she was 15, but she isn't.

MrsEvadneCake · 19/03/2017 10:17

What I think happened is that she had a crush on him and he was flattered and loved the attention and lapped it up.

This really bothers me. She is 17 and he is an older married man who should never have begun the text exchanges. If she did have a crush on him it was his job as a married man to swiftly end it and put professional distance between them.

He has acted appallingly and no amount of spin you put on it will make him in any way not to blame for this situation.

You asked what people would do? Leave him.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 19/03/2017 10:18

No he hasn't broke the law and won't be visited by the police they wouldn't be interested.

He's still a disgusting old creep. Do you have children? I couldn't stay with a husband who is attracted to some girl who's still a child in the eyes of the law.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:18

No, I'm not Anne.

It is his fully, his responsibility and his fuckup. And he owes that girl a massive apology.

I'm actually not finding your posts here helpful. You're being pretty aggressive to be honest.

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PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 10:19

Woah fast moving thread!

Sexual activity with a child under 18 in a position of trust (if ANY physical contact occurred - touching he knee 'reassuringly' in the car for eg). She is a work experience student, he is an adult employee, he is in a postion of trust.

Sexual harrasment under the Equality Act - would definitely come into play if she was an adult colleague, I'm sure a SHL could do something with that for a work ex student.

At the bare minimum his boundaries are way off. It's a huge safeguarding concern.

I'd be starting with the assumption that this behaviour is so stomach churningly unacceptable that the marriage was over, unless he could demonstrate suitable acceptance of what he's done and how he was going to turn things around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 10:19

He has abused his position of trust here towards this young person.

I would read this as well:-

victims2survivors.co.uk/legal-information/england-wales/child-sex-offences-abuse-of-position-of-trust/abuse-of-position-of-trust-sexual-activity-with-a-child/

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:19

But is it sexual harassment if it is not unwanted?

Surely sexual harassment is unwanted attention?

stitchglitched · 19/03/2017 10:21

What did her mother say? Is she taking it further and reporting to school and his employers? I'd be kicking up a massive stink about this if it was my daughter.

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 10:21

"What I think happened is that she had a crush on him and he was flattered and loved the attention and lapped it up."

Urgh. You make her sound like the adult who made all the moves and him the poor victim who passively accepted.

What I think happened is that he preyed on a schoolgirl. And you want to blame her for it.

But he can do what he wants now, can't he? You'll never leave him no matter what he does. And he knows that. So Carry On Sleazebag.

Shame you think you don't deserve better. Because you do.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:22

im not saying anything different to everyone else why are you picking on me?

My daughter is 18. If I'd found a man sending texts like that to her age 17 I'd have gone to the police, her school, his work. And screamed at them until,someone did something

You are minimising excusing and victim blaming.

You're going to stay with him and he's going to do this again.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:22

She's not at school. She is seventeen. Are people not reading this? Sorry! It's advice on my marriage I wanted not whether my husband would be strung up and dragged naked through the streets tempting Sad

I'm sorry. I get this may have struck a nerve with some of you but PLEASE can we stick to the topic?

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:23

Work experience - from college then? I'd be going to the college.

SparklyMagpie · 19/03/2017 10:23

My advice: end the marriage

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:23

Ok - Anne, I think it's best I leave it there and maybe ask advice another day. I'm not victim blaming, saying she had a crush on him isn't victim blaming, it's what the girl herself said. I am not angry or upset with HER at all. Not even remotely. I am furious with HIM.

Now I'd best leave this I guess, it's getting us nowhere and I'm getting wound up and emotional.

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