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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
Mrsrochesterscat · 19/03/2017 10:34

I actually can't believe you are taking this so calmly!!

My DD was groomed. In exactly this way - nothing overtly sexual. So she felt uncomfortable, but felt she was over reacting to call it out. They never went further than slimy flattery (not overt) messages. The school got wind and a whole tonne of shit fell on him. The police CSE team are not to be reckoned with!

The first twat who used my DD as an ego boost set her in a horrible course - he broke her boundaries. He probably didn't realise it at the time, but he effectively primed her ready to be picked up by a local gang exploiting young girls.

Years latershe's a total mess - a shell of a human being.

If your DH was truly remorseful he would report it himself. There are early intervention programmes that can help young girls relearn boundaries.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:35

How did her mother find out? If the girl showed her mum the messages that implies she wasn't comfortable with them and they were unwanted.

HappyJanuary · 19/03/2017 10:35

I feel for you op, what an awful discovery.

But this is not a guy flattered by another woman's attention.

She might be over the age of consent, just about, but she's a child and he has abused his position of trust as a senior colleague, betrayed you and revealed himself to be a creep who would obviously have taken things further in time.

If the girl was a willing participant how did the girl's mum find out? I suspect because she knew something was wrong and told her mum. We only have his word that she pursued him, and we now know what his word is worth.

You have asked for marriage advice and my advice is to get out or spend the rest of your life monitoring him, watching him like a hawk and wondering what he's thinking every time you're around teenage girls. Your self esteem will take a battering, and your marriage will never be the same.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:36

Mrsrochesterscat Flowers for your DD. I'm sorry she went through that.

ChuckDaffodils · 19/03/2017 10:36

I thought kids had to stay in school or FE until they were 18 these days? Who arranged the work experience? What conversation have you had with the mother?

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:36

Ah, Jesus, her mum told you? How did her mum find out, I'm guessing the daughter told her.

I'd be very very concerned. I think it's going to be seen, rightly, that this man is hitting on her. Has the mum also reported it to the company?

ohdoadoodoo · 19/03/2017 10:36

Absolute sleezebag at best. Sorry OP but your husband sounds like a complete loser who clearly has no respect for you OR the girl.

I would be raging if I were you and would never be able to respect him again.

pinkbraces · 19/03/2017 10:37

Your husband engaged in totally inappropriate messages with a 17 yr old whilst she was doing work experience. You found out, not because he told you but because the girls mother contacted you. If she hadn't had done you would still be unaware! These I believe are the facts.
How did the girls miither find out?
Your husband behaved like a predatory pervert and if the messages hadn't been found the chances of this escalating would in all probability be high.
How can you possibly look at your pathetic husband and think this is who I want to be with? Especially if you have DC.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:37

Trust me I don't think anyone is saying this is right in any way shape or form whether she's at college or school and not sure if he is a colleague or a boss.
I think for prosecution purposes this should be down to the girls mother, not us or OP. The mother is the one who gets to make a decision based on what's right for her daughter, OP and her DH will just have to find out what the consequences are if she does. None of us can really predict the outcome of a potential investigation can we? If that's what she decided to do.
The part of worry is about whether he has access to other young female students in the future, what does this mean for your marriage or stability of his job?

Houseofmirth66 · 19/03/2017 10:37

Just seen this thread and can't believe how ridiculously its escalated. His messages are creepy but calling someone a 'hot babe' is not grooming them. Have none of you ever been in a workplace? Not justifying just stating a fact. Exchanges like this are commonplace.

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 10:39

Actually, I'm sorry OP for my harsh words earlier. It isn't your fault at all.

Most people are so disgusted by what's happened that they are quite robust in their comments. They are condemning him, not you.

Hard for you to have all this happen and then get torn to shreds on here also. Maybe give it a couple of days and then come back to the thread.

The thing that struck me is that you don't seem to be angry. You seem almost resigned (and not even that surprised?) and just looking for the path of least resistance.

Do you have any support in real life?

PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 10:40

If anyone called me a hot babe at work they'd have a formal complaint made against them to management.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:40

good way to start of fireworks House.

What a stupid post 🙄

MrsSthe3rd · 19/03/2017 10:41

How awful for your DD Mrsrochesterscat. I can't imagine how your DD must feel.

I firmly believe this is how it starts. They should never of had each other's contact details. These things can be set up by the people arranging the Work Experience.

Your Husband clearly has multiple issues that need addressing. Urgently.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:41

MrsR

You have NO idea how I'm taking it.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 19/03/2017 10:41

I would be utterly horrified by this because I trust my husband to give women lifts and not get into precisely this type of situation. It's like 'Rita, Sue and Bob too' except her mum intervened! The youth of the girl in question is what makes it so awful to me, if he was giving a lift to a similarly aged woman and they started falling for each other, I'd still want to end the marriage, but with a 17 year old- I work with a slightly older age group 18-21 and I'm really careful never to give out mixed messages, wouldn't dream of giving them lifts and then describing them as 'hot' in an outfit- that's the actions of someone who was hoping to get physical with a 17 year old, aged 41.

OP, there's an easy test here of is this ok: would you find yourself in a similar situation? I can understand working closely with a same age colleague and starting to flirt. Not this. This is not what most people would do. Would you find it ok if you had a daughter or son and they went to do work experience and the boss in his forties started giving them lifts and sending flirtatious texts? Nope.

So, however much he didn't write 'I want to fuck you' (and who would write that, that's not something people write in texts, it's the secrecy, the messages,the 'fun' that draws people in) , he did intend to start up a secret relationship with this girl.

Is that ok for you? It wouldn't be for me.

ChuckDaffodils · 19/03/2017 10:42

Have none of you ever been in a workplace?

Yes in many. If any older man had done this to a 17 yr old on work experience I'd expect them to be sacked as this is gross misconduct.

Making her feel better about herself. FFS - what sort of sleazebag thinks that telling her she is hot makes her feel better about herself. 'Excellent, a sad man old enough to be my father thinks I'm hot. How wonderful for me'.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:42

I don't understand why you're not really angry with him. On this thread you appear to be minimising his role, and that's what is making me angry. I have an 18 year old daughter and if your husband had done that to her I'd have his guts on a plate and I'm sorry but I would be at the police, the school/college/training provider and his workplace.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:44

You haven't a clue Anne and I've said before I'm not actually finding you helpful.

OP posts:
Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 10:44

Your marriage.. only you can decide. Personally I couldn't stay with a person who did this.
You are making excuses for him but I think you know that it's wrong.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:44

He needs to be clear on where the work experience came from - school or college or whatever - and read very carefully the terms and conditions that were set around that work experience.

As a minimum.

Fadingmemory · 19/03/2017 10:44

Those texts are completely out of order, designed to flatter, effectively groom and then... He has no regard for you or for the girl or the organisation for which he works. He is abusing his position in the firm. She may be completely unable, even afraid to assert herself from her junior position. She may be flattered and encourage him. I would put all that to him, describe exactly how you feel and ask him to leave while you decide what to do. Appalling behaviour.

Meowstro · 19/03/2017 10:44

OP, I get the impression you feel this is a silly girl's crush and it's on her. Would it have been worse for you if she were 30?

If you really want to ignore the fact she's 17 (I don't know why because that is a crucial point in this and she's still not legally an adult, btw) then focus on this:

What I think happened is that she had a crush on him and he was flattered and loved the attention and lapped it up.

That tells me your husband will act inappropriately if he is given attention and (despite his clear lack of morals on this occasion) that next time it could be anyone, they may well be an adult. Next time you may not be lucky enough to find out before it progresses.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:45

What does the mother intend to do? Have you spoken to her?

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:46

!Just seen this thread and can't believe how ridiculously its escalated. His messages are creepy but calling someone a 'hot babe' is not grooming them. Have none of you ever been in a workplace? Not justifying just stating a fact. Exchanges like this are commonplace.