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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 08:29

If op decides she cannot forgive this then it is he who has thrown his marriage away

No wonder there is so much societal pressure on women to stay and suck up all kinds of shit for the sake of a relationship

People like you are part of the problem, IsNotGold

SammyL100 · 20/03/2017 08:57

Have to wade in on the fertility front, at 36 you have options. You can freeze your eggs (certainly an option I would explore). Its expensive but at least will give you some insurance and possibility of pregnancy later in life.

I also would suggest bringing a child into a relationship where there are trust issues would be awful.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 09:13

Op, coming back to this to say I hope you feel calmer this morning.

I don't know if you feel up to reading back to see how your initial posts might have come across - to me, they seemed, as AF said, minimising.

I understand that you're in shock and that you were repeating what was said by him.

For what it's worth, as you may already have guessed, my DD had similar texts from a teacher at the age of 17 which then progressed to more overtly sexual texts, and then to inappropriate touching. He targeted my DD specifically because of our background which made her more receptive than most. He also used the excuse that she was over the age of consent. That she had wanted it. That she started it (she didn't - when I saw the texts he very carefully groomed her to letting him see her dressed to go out, and the you look hawt babe was used, exactly the same as your husband)

I wouldn't be able to live with any man who was sending texts like that to a teenaged girl. 17 is really not an adult and there are good reasons why there are extra safeguards in place legally for those in a position of authority like a teacher.

One last thing. 36 isn't old and you more then likely would be able to have children with someone else wish to.

Ampersand22 · 20/03/2017 09:20

OP, this is a terrible situation and not your fault. At 36 I was in a relationship with a really awful man, a total liar. Luckily no kids. It was hard for me to see that I was ONLY 36! I found the strength to ltb after one flirtation too far, and an affair I suspect though I didn't hang around long enough to get proof, my feelings were enough proof.

I'm 44 now, married to a good man who has his flaws but he is kind and I can't imagine he would get involved with texting a 17 year old. I could have had 5 babies between 36 and now. Still fertile now and could have some if I wanted. I don't have any family either, I mean none but if I he had done this I would leave, no hesitation. I would be in a room in a shared house as I only earn £800 a month but I would go.

You are only 36 and I think your grief over what could have been will keep you stuck. Please be brave and leave, I can understand why you are feeling so desperately unhappy now if kids are what you want, but nothing about this suggests there is a future here anymore.

Please believe that meeting someone else and kids can be a part of your future.

I can't imagine on my work placement at 17, a married bloke like this making a move on me. I would totally have fallen, such was the lack of kindness or attention at all from anyone at time. I would have ended a shell of a person, as that unfortunate poster has had to witness, the demise of her daughter's mental health and descent into hell. I'm sorry that I can't remember your name, poster but I feel for you.

Please don't stay. Please don't give up hope for yourself.

PhoenixJasmine · 20/03/2017 09:21

Absolutely AF. It's not up to the OP to save the marriage - she's not the one shitting all over it. She just has to work out whether she's willing to give her husband a chance to repair things with her or not. It's up to him to put the effort in to accept responsibility for what he's done and take steps to save the marriage, if he wants to. And they both have the right to walk away at any time, whatever the other party does/feels.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Craicvac · 20/03/2017 11:21

I had something similar happen to me on work experience... flirty texts, saying he'd have to 'spank me' as punishment when I dropped some notes, hand on gearstick that meant rubbing against my thigh. I was a mixture of uncomfortable and flattered that someone older and mature would pay me attention....
5 years on and I see him on TV having been prosecuted for sexually assaulting 3 students/interns. It was only then that I realised what was going on.

LoisEinhorn · 20/03/2017 11:49

Men can sometimes be idiots and not see the full picture or see the repercussions of their actions.
I don't think he was grooming or realised what he was doing could be seen as that.
Hope you are ok OP

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 11:56

Seriously, why do women excuse grown men from the consequences of their actions ?

"Men Don't see the full picture" How handmaidenly can you get ? It is unbelievably sexist and infantiilsing to assume a grown man does not know what he is doing

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 11:59

Absolutely agree AF. I'm starting to make a habit of this.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 12:03

Also. I wonder how many of those who are excusing the man saying he wouldn't have realised actually have or have had 17 year old daughters?

It's a totally different viewpoint looking at your own 17 year old and realising how like a child they still are, as opposed to how I felt so grown up myself at 17.

(That doesn't sound right. I hope it makes sense)

Ampersand22 · 20/03/2017 12:10

Poor man texting sleazy comments to a vulnerable minor behind his wife's back deserves understanding for being an idiot and not seeing it.

Lois, dude, grow up.

HmmOkay · 20/03/2017 12:11

"Men Don't see the full picture" How handmaidenly can you get ? It is unbelievably sexist and infantiilsing to assume a grown man does not know what he is doing"

Quite. And you see it quite starkly when it is paired with comments about a young girl who is often referred to as 'knowing what she was doing'. 41 year old male boss doesn't realise what he is doing, 17 year old girl does know what she is doing. She knows exactly what she is doing.

The Adam Johnson case was full of that.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 12:16

Absolutely

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 12:19

Scheming teenage girls

Hapless middle aged men who don't see the full picture

The world is fucking full of them

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 12:24

Jesus, they see they see the picture alright; why are people defending a grown man who's showing sexual interest in a minor; has fuck all to do with men not knowing what they are doing.....just stop.

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 12:27

It always has to be the girls fault. My DD was blamed for wearing non baggy tops. If she had worn a baggy hoodie and not a shirt top was said. And she shouldn't have put her hair in a ponytail through the back of a baseball cap. Or worn sports leggings and trainers. Because he could see her bum.

Again, op, I'm sorry. I reacted due to my experience and I didn't take thought enough if you were in shock.

WellWhatThen · 20/03/2017 12:36

Been thinking about this thread since I read it yesterday.

Honestly? What would I do if it was my DH?

I genuinely believe I would try to minimise it at first. I would be insensible with shock and keen to sweep it under the carpet, seek reassurance that it wasn't as bad as I knew it was in my gut, and do the necessary mental gymnastics to allow me to move on in denial as quickly as possible.

I also know that discovering DH had sent texts like that to another woman, of any age, but especially to a teenager, would be the start of me falling out of love with him.

It may take a while for it to happen, and then a while longer for me to realise. And then maybe even a while longer still for me to admit defeat. But eventually I would have to split up with him. And when it happens I'd look back to discovering those texts and know that was the moment my DH ceased to be the man I loved and revealed himself as a sleazy, entitled predator.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 13:12

That is terrible, Anne Flowers

Itsnotwhatitseems · 20/03/2017 13:14

how did he get her mobile number? did she give it to him and why?

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 13:16

Would it be her fault for inviting the sleazy comments if she had given him her mobile number ?

Itsnotwhatitseems · 20/03/2017 13:16

I would lose respect for my DH if he did that. To me this is one mark away from grooming. She is 17 and he is 41, if she was my DD I would want to sort him out.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 20/03/2017 13:17

No not at all AF, just thinking through how he had her number, whether he had got it by improper means (looking up work files etc)

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 13:19

Don't you fucking people get it ?

Post after post examining her behaviour. Thread after thread goes like this. In RL it is the same.

I was watching the news yesterday about rape victims no longer having to give live evidence. The footage showed a dark street with women wearing short skirts walking down it. Why ? Why not show some mug shots of rapists ?

Fucking makes me sick

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 13:20

Then say that. Make it the first thing you question. The language we use is very important.

BeyondThePage · 20/03/2017 13:30

If it were to be my DH I would think less of him, I would be disappointed, I would be wondering about what happens next time, this time, was there a last time etc.

I would think that something was missing in our relationship, that I did not know him at all and that he was not the man I married.

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