Can I ask what you would do?

[sharksscareme]

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

I don't think he would, Anne.

It's far far beyond stupid and childish behaviour. If my 17 year old daughter had been sent those texts I'd be making sure your husband would be getting a visit from a police officer.

I don't usually write on relationships but that would be a deal breaker for me. Most teenagers have low confidence. When I did work experience I travelled around the country with a 45 year old man. Not once did he over step the boundaries of a working relationships and he boosted my confidence by saying I was a fast learner and smart. She was on a work experience placement not a modelling contact.
He'd be out for now, that's low and sleazy.

In what scenario is a t appropriate to send a text to a young woman from his work commenting on how sexually attractive she is?

Because that's what hot means in this context. He didn't need to put "and I want to fuck you" the "hot" implied it.

When I was 17, a 35 year old man at my work started out like this. I didn't find him attractive but I was totally out of my depth with the situation and did not know what to say or do in response so I went along with it hoping it would just stop on its own. It didn't and he ended up trying to kiss me, I got upset and from then after he treated me like dirt at work. I was so confused.

At 17 girls don't really understand their full complexity of this kind of thing, their experiences are with young lads and a man giving them attention is wildly confusing, flattering, exciting etc. One of them risks getting very carried away - whether it's him making a sexual advance because the boundaries are blurry or her getting a huge crush on him then being upset if he rejects her.
It's unprofessional and frankly cruel and pathetic. She's just a young girl and this kind of flattery is serving his ego more than hers. She could end up so hurt and confused - and this will be terrible for her understanding of how things are in the workplace! No boundaries = potential disaster.

I would seriously question his morals and boundaries.
I would be furious with him and any defensive minimising just sounds like lies

OP stop minimising. He Amy not be saying "I want to fuck you" so explicitly but fgs he IS saying "Hot babe" to a 17 YEAR OLD.

He's a nasty perv.

reciprocation, stupid phone

Just be be clear Anne there was no sexual activity, at all.

'YET' is the missing in that sentence. You will never know as he got caught but my guess is that it would have escalated. Of course, he will say otherwise.

LTB. She's 17! She's not an adult and he's in a position of power. Low confidence is for a therapist to sort out, not for a sleaze to groom her.

Think about how you'd feel if you had a DD of 17, would it be appropriate to say those things to her? How would you feel if another man did that to your 17 year old DD? That will give you your answer.

Like a PP said, confidence flattery should be about her abilities, not her level of attractiveness.

"It's not that I'm trying to minimise it but to explain honestly what they say. If they were saying things like 'you are hot and I want to fuck you' that's clearly explicit. Calling someone a 'hot babe' is certainly flirtatious and in this context highly inappropriate but not in the same category as the former".

That still does not make his comments towards her any better. He acted of his own free will here and wanted power and control over this young person. He's the one at fault here; not this young person and certainly not you.

How is he going to really put things right with you?. After all words are cheap; its actions that matter. I do not think his employers would be so forgiving.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I suppose you'll stand by him and keep saying that when the police (hopefully) come knocking on your door?

Wristy believe me I would be equally horrified if it was my 17 year old daughter but what crime do you think he has actually committed? He is not a teacher or in any other position of responsibility. She is doing some work experience and he gave her a lift home. They started texting and whatsapping one another and the texts became increasingly flirtatious. I also think the number of texts outside of 'what time do you want picking up' are inappropriate but anyway. No crime hasn't been committed in the eyes of the law. Morally it's another matter.

Grooming her definitely.

If she was lacking in confidence then he could have sent professional work emails giving positive feedback about her work abilities.

These are designed to invoke feelings about her physical appearance.

If he was a teacher and she was his pupil at sixth form would you then think it was still ok?

He had crossed a boundary both professionally and in your marriage.

No it doesn't Attila but to get advice from you I need to be clear everyone fully understands the context.

And you should not be forgiving of him either.

He was grooming her and as her superior in the workplace he was in a position of power.

And to hide behind no law has been broken shows how much you are falling for his lies.

If my oh was driving any woman to work, calling her fit hot and babe I would be absolutely done. The fact she us 17 just makes it worse.

Yes, not illegal but not exactly nice is it.

How did you find out?

I'm guessing he didn't come out and say to you "I've been sending messages to the young work experience girl to build her confidence. It's not sexual and I haven't touched her - just stuff like calling her a hot babe".

I wouldn't necessarily say it was grooming he is probably flattered that someone who is young likes his pathetic self.

You are right no law is broken and both of them are free to enter a sexual relationship.

Morally, it's dreadful. Legally, it's a non case.

That is minimising, OP. Completely understandable, you're in shock and just found out that your husband is not who you thought he was.

You asked what we would do though, I think most people have said: consider ending the marriage, inform his employers and/or her parents/the school.

ANY physical contact could count as sexual activity by the way, even touching her knee/shoulder through clothing. He could pretty easily end up on a sex offender register for this kind of behaviour with all the implications that may have for any children you have together.

I expect he's only admitted to things that you have direct evidence for by the way?

So sorry he's done this. You don't deserve to be treated like this. He does not deserve you explaining things away for him.

OP, you seem to be of the 'not that bad' persuasion.

Has your husband done worse in the past and so you don't think this is too bad in comparison?

Not bring goady but would be end up on a register even though she is over 16 and can consent?

I don't like the fact that just because she's 17 everyone just says 'grooming' immediately. In my eyes 17 is often old enough to know exactly what you're doing isn't it?

It was her mother, actually, who contacted me.

Believe me I fully agree with you all re foolish, disgusting, inappropriate, taking advantage.

But when people triumphantly state we will get a visit from the police I just want to close the window and move on, as really there's a sense of schadenfreude which is not only unpleasant to read but not actually true as no crime has been committed. It is not against the law to send texts to a teenager. It is not against the law to sleep with a teenager of this age - unless within the context of pupil and teacher which doesn't apply here.

So if we could focus on the actual issue and not a load of invented nonsense I would appreciate it.

Absolute deal breaker! Makes me feel sick

How did you find out OP? What do you plan on doing? I couldn't forgive this