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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 09:53

Sorry - not sure that the sexual offences act applies - the case I knew it was a teacher.

But he was definitely grooming her. That's how I'd see it if it was my daughter. I hope her parents go to the police.

Isthismummy · 19/03/2017 09:53

Has this teenage girl told you herself he hadn't touched her?

Or did that come from your DH?

How did you find the messages? I'm assuming by accident?

I appreciate you're in shock op, but just how explicit do the messages need to be?

PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 09:53

Oh wow just seen your update. That's sexual harrasment surely? I'd send these to his employers to be honest. When we have work experience students there are all sorts of safeguarding things we have to abide by... if a colleague was caught doing this at my company they'd be suspended immediately and I expect police/lawyers consulted pronto.

I would be taking immediate steps to sort separate living arrangements whilst I evaluated the marriage. Unless he admitted what he'd done, acknowledged how awful it is and put a lot of effort in to put things right I doubt the marriage would survive.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 19/03/2017 09:53

That would be it, seventeen years old flirty messages would be an absolute no go back for me. That's really wrong. She's barely legal. Creep.

MsGameandWatch · 19/03/2017 09:54

I couldn't find him attractive after that so that would be it. If you think it's not enough to end a marriage over; it is.

ExplodingCarrots · 19/03/2017 09:54

Low in confidence and tried to cheer her up = saw a chance to take advantage of a vulnerable young girl with self esteem issues.

Your H is a creep. May not be explicit but still disgusting and very very inappropriate. He'd be out without a second thought.

Sorry op.

Goforit2017 · 19/03/2017 09:54

If she reports that to her school or college he is in trouble.

I oversee work experience placements for young people and if that was reported to me we would halt the placement until it was investigated.

khajiit13 · 19/03/2017 09:54

It sounds like he's grooming her. How absolutely vile. God, I genuinely think I'd "prefer" explicit texts with someone his own age over this.

OliviaStabler · 19/03/2017 09:55

Mid life crisis. I'd read him the riot act.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 09:55

Those texts were sexual. They were sexual in tone and he was getting a sexual thrill from being around her.

He is a complete and utter sleaze. And I hope her parents go to the police.

And you are excusing him. Which is understanbke. But she's a child and he was grooming her. Read the nspcc link. It is clear grooming.

He should have been exceedingly careful that anything he sent was totally innocent and above board. He didn't.

People like him make me sick.

Goforit2017 · 19/03/2017 09:56

Are you saying he gave her lifts in his car?

MsGameandWatch · 19/03/2017 09:56

"He did not touch her"

Hmm, yes and he would have been telling himself that, right up till he did. And then I feel sure it would have because she threw herself at him and he wanted to be gentle because she's so young blah blah blah.

BlueBlueSkies · 19/03/2017 09:56

I would be horrified. I can not imagine my Dh doing that, but I could my exh.

Is it your Dh that is lacking in self esteem, and feels he need cheering up?

I would have to seriously think about the future of my relationship, have a long talk and set some rules in place.

Poor you, it must be awful for you.

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 09:56

How do you know she adored him?

She probably thought he was a dirty old letch, was very uncomfortable and didn't know how to react. She probably didn't want to get into trouble at work and so didn't tell him to fuck right off. What with her being 17 and all.

It really is disgusting that he would prey on a schoolgirl like that.

You seem to want to minimise it though.

Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 09:57

She's the same age as my daughter. Her parents think she's getting work experience. Imagine how they would feel if they knew that a 41 year old man in a position of trust was sending her these messages. Put yourself in their shoes and then ask what would you do.

Personally I'd be gone, I would report him to work and I would inform her parents.

Cricrichan · 19/03/2017 09:57

That is disturbing. Even if he was single, it's highly inappropriate and i would consider reporting him.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 19/03/2017 09:57

Of course he hadn't touched her because he's still grooming her (although I know she's over the age of consent he's older than her by a lot, more mature, in a position of power and using flattery, so it's still grooming) for it to probably go that way. Otherwise why would he be dling it.

Do you have kids, what age are they, can you trust him around them when they bring friends home of that age? Urgh. Honestly an absolute creep.

MsGameandWatch · 19/03/2017 09:58

I don't think it's helpful to start piling on the OP. It's a perfect natural and human response to minimise when action will lead to huge upheaval and pain. She's probably in shock and trying to process it.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:58

I would never have said DH was lacking in self esteem but maybe he is, I don't know. He appears remorseful, has said repeatedly how stupid and childish it all was and that he regrets it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:59

It's not that I'm trying to minimise it but to explain honestly what they say. If they were saying things like 'you are hot and I want to fuck you' that's clearly explicit. Calling someone a 'hot babe' is certainly flirtatious and in this context highly inappropriate but not in the same category as the former.

OP posts:
Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 09:59

Would he be saying that if you didn't know.

How did you find out?

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:01

You are explaining away.

You are complicit in his abuse of her if you say "it's not as bad as"

You need to stop that

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 10:01

Ask yourself this, OP.

Does he send flirty texts to young men with self-esteem issues in his organisation? Does he want to build their confidence and cheer them up? No? Then you have your answer.

Sleazebag.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:01

He was at the beginning stage of grooming her. He would have moved on. It starts with the over familiar.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 19/03/2017 10:02

That's flirting the right way, gently, not to scare her off. Remember she's seventeen if he went in with a message like that it would scare her off. He's starting off gently by flattering her and showing what he thinks of her to see if there's an resiprotation. And besides even as an adult if someone sent me your hot I want to fuck you. I'd tell them to fuck right off.

I don't think anyone's piling on the op at all. She asked what we would do and we are saying.

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