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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 13:15

Phoenixrabbit Personal attacks are not necessary and not permitted on this board. Read my post again - I have not assumed anything about you. I have said that the concern would be that you could have been groomed. As would be the case with any sexual relationship between a 17 year old child and a much older adult. My comments about my friend's relationship and partner were not about yours. They were an illustration of the point that people can have different opinions on this matter coloured by their own experiences.

If you feel so secure that the balance of power in your relationship was acceptable when you were 17, why are you so aggressively defensive about a suggestion that there might have been concerns for you, that you have started throwing personal insults at people you don't know on the internet? To be hones your response might make people concerned for you now, if your boundaries are so blurred that you can't see why there might be a concern in this kind of situation.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 19/03/2017 13:16

Ahem.

Can we have a bit of peace and love please?

We don't want to have to delete the thread.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 13:16

I'm defensive because who are you to suggest it?

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 13:23

I would be concerned if my 17 year old was receiving messages like described here from a 41 year old man.

I would be very concerned regardless of if my child thought it was ok and said they had started it. Teenagers do stupid stuff and the adult should have shut the conversation down if she had initiated it.

He should not have replied in kind with sexualised comments, he should not have been giving her a lift alone in the car to start with and the minute he realised she had a crush on him he should have stopped the lifts, distanced himself, gone to the school/college for advice, told his wife and generally made everyone aware that this wasn't at his doing.

He chose not to do that. He behaved reprehensibly, in my opinion.

PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 13:24

PhoenixRabbit We're now completely derailing this thread away from supporting the OP come to terms with the perving-at-a-teenager-borderline-criminal hand grenade her husband has thrown into their marriage, so I'm going to stop engaging with you here. If you want to continue to talk about people's concerns on the issue in relation to your own experience perhaps you could start your own thread.

Apologies OP.

MadeForThis · 19/03/2017 13:25

He sounds like a dickhead.

Without seeing the texts she sent I'm guessing that she showed the texts to her mother. She was probably embarrassed that he was sending them.

Either that or she found it funny. Not too may 17 year olds are hot babes!! Or go cruising to work.

I would be raging that my DH would send texts like that to anyone. I'd be embarrassed too.

thebakerwithboobs · 19/03/2017 13:26

Hi OP, I stopped reading half way through because I can see you've had a hard time, but equally, I do agree that you are minimising. I'm a head teacher. 17 is a child, and in the U.K., children must now remain in education of some form until they are 18. This can be an apprenticeship for which experience in the workplace is required, but there must be an educational setting and a qualification being worked towards. Bearing this in mind, your husband would be deemed in most circumstances to be in a position of responsibility. If the texts were reported to the school, college or training provider accountable for the child, it would be their responsibility to treat this as a safeguarding issue. I know this may feel contrary as the child is over the age of consent, but the parameters alter when the relationship-which is what this appears to be-occurs over the boundaries of one having educational authority over the other. There are many, many other issues which would be investigated-for example whether your husband was aware that he was viewed as a responsible adult etc. etc. but he would be unlikely to come out of an investigation without a stain on his character.

That was my professional view. As a wife, if my husband were to send messages like that to any other woman-child or otherwise-I am afraid he would be out of the door. It's disrespectful, deceitful and I would wager habitual.

WeeMcBeastie · 19/03/2017 13:30

He may not have committed a criminal offence but sending messages like that to any other female, whether they're his age or not is inappropriate and hugely disrespectful to you. I couldn't get past this, my youngest DD is 17. If a 41 year old man, responsible for supervising a work experience placement sent her messages like that I would certainly be complaining. If a partner was responsible for sending messages like that, I would never be able to look at them in the same way again.

MrsSthe3rd · 19/03/2017 13:36

Phoenixtherabbit - I know you've been in this position etc, so I understand where you're coming from.

However, it wasn't the OP's H who told her - which is exactly what he should have done if a young girl was coming on to him and it was so innocent.

OP, I would ask your H to explain all this to whoever set the placement up in the first place. If it really is innocent then he won't have a problem doing it.

I'm honestly not sure I could continue as before, if it were me.

BubblingUp · 19/03/2017 13:36

He owns the company? He hired her? And it's not clear how this work program came about? I would wonder if they already knew each other, were already involved with each other and he brought her on to the payroll to have her near him all day and as a way to be her hero - especially since it seems she as a crush on him and his attention isn't unwanted.

Wheelerdeeler · 19/03/2017 13:54

Op if that was my husband id leave him.

Those texts were flirty. He's married to me.I am the only one he should be calling "hot" or "babe".

The fact she's 17 - opens a whole other can of worms.

Deadsouls · 19/03/2017 14:07

I don't think I could respect a man who did this again, it's really shameful that your DH managed to get into and perpetuate this situation. I just don't think (don't know for certain), that I could look at him in the same way again. I don't know, usually I think when you don't know that to do, do nothing, for a while. Let it sink in first.

Materdolores · 19/03/2017 14:39

Hi OP. You know your DH, has he done anything like this before? Is this texting a new thing or more of the same? This would colour my reaction.

How has he reacted to your discovery? Is he open with his phone and other social media? Is he willing to do whatever you want to put it right?

In your position, assuming that he has never done this before and he is doing all he can to make this right, I would work towards a reconciliation. He needs to know where the lines are drawn: the line in your relationship where texting anyone with anything inappropriate is and the line where relating to young and impressionable women or girls is. If he finds it difficult to identify these lines, counselling could help.

How are you feeling about this now? Do you think you can both work through this?

Therealjudgejudy · 19/03/2017 14:40

He is a creep. The fact that her mother went out of her way to tell you that your husband is a creep says it all. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Toobloodytired · 19/03/2017 14:41

Wow 17. Okay well I'd be concerned as it could always turn!

luckycatclover · 19/03/2017 14:42

That'd be the end for me. I find that really awful. I'm sorry OP

Huskylover1 · 19/03/2017 14:49

Putting her age aside....

Let's pretend this female was 35.....how would you feel that he is driving her to work, she sends him photo's and he texts her calling her a hot babe and fit?

You don't sound very bothered.

My DH (44) lift shares with an attractive 28 y/o. If he did this, it would be game over for our marriage.

Of course, her being 17 adds another layer, but park that for a moment and consider the above and why this isn't a deal breaker for you. You don't have to put up with it.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 14:51

You have no idea how I sound, and I haven't had a chance to tell you.

I haven't had a chance to tell you how the future I believed I had has gone, how the babies I desperately wanted will never be born, how the man I believed I knew has vanished like a bubble popping.

And I don't think you care.

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 19/03/2017 14:55

A lot of us have found out we weren't married to the man we thought we were.

It hurts like nothing else, but at least you found out now.

Beelzebop · 19/03/2017 14:57

Shark, I am really sorry that you have had to go through this.
For me, it boiled down to sitting and thrashing it out between us. Will you be able to discuss it with him? X

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 14:58

To be honest with you beelzebop I appreciate the kinder tone to your post. I don't feel able to share anything on here now. I'll just be attacked. Normally I can shrug it off but I just feel too fragile. Sorry x

OP posts:
Esoteric · 19/03/2017 15:02

I totally understand how you feel, my husband is 52, it's a 20 year marriage and 3 months ago I found love letters/song lyrics to a 20 year old we knew and worked for us 11 years ago. It hurts hugely, I do know how you feel, in your case I would say leave the relationship, I'm sorry but I think it's indicative of how his mind works

TheseAreTheDays · 19/03/2017 15:13

Honestly sharks I think you should just ask for this thread to be deleted now as I can see why it feels like some posts are attacking you rather than offering advice. For what it's worth I think I'd be upset by my husband sending messages to any female saying they were fit etc and it would cross a line for me. I could possibly get over it with time and with open discussion with him about it,if lifts were stopped and no further texts or contact outside of work. The age does add a further layer of inappropriateness and while clearly not illegal - IMO anyway - it doesn't seem right and that would make it harder to get over as it does raise other questions about his character and lack of boundaries. Anyway good luck with it,it must be very tough for you and reading all these opinions can't be helping at the moment anyway when you're already feeling vulnerable and still in shock.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 19/03/2017 15:16

Ah no. We ARE feeling sorry for you. It's not your fault. But really you shouldn't put up with this. The man you thought you married never existed. It's natural to feel betrayed. You have been decieved. You deserve better than his creep Wine

Redlipstickismyarmour · 19/03/2017 15:21

For the love of god, despite Sharks trying to be very clear, some people just can't help themselves.
She doesn't want advice on employment law or sexual harassment, she is trying to figure out how she feels about sharing inappropriate texts with a young girl.

Sharks, for what it's worth I think I'd struggle with trust and would have to end things. From what you say, he has responded to flattery/interest at the first sign so I'd continuously be questioning whether this would happen again. I also find the age gap really sleazy and disrespectful not just to you but to women in general so personally it would be a deal breaker for me.
That's a personal decision, everyone's boundaries are different, but what is there to stop him doing the same again in the future, whether someone young or more age appropriate.

Lots of luck, I imagine it's been a real shock for you.

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