Can I ask what you would do?

[sharksscareme]

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

If someone aged 17 on a work placement is lacking in confidence, you compliment their work.
Not their arse

Your OP is asking others what they would do if their middle aged husband was sending flirtatious messages to a 17 year old.

Fwiw, it would make me feel sick to my stomach and I could not carry on being married to such a despicable sad twat.

I am sorry to say, but you have minimised this to the point of oh well he never shagged her, so it's not that bad.

Okay, he didn't have sex with her, but still what he did was gross and an abuse of his position and I couldn't be with him.

It's surely unfair to assume either way when we don't actually know?!

The default isn't that he's some sort of sexual predator ffs.

A 41 year old man making sexual advances on a 17 year old girl he has responsibility for/power over in the workplace would pretty much fit a lot of people's definitions of sexual (ephebophilic) predator, to be honest. It's certainly the kind of scenario that there are laws to protect vulnerable young people from.

Ok - sticking to the relationship advice - LTB

He is a disgusting sleazy wankstain.

How can you even look at him?

She's 17. She's above the age of consent and like i said for all we know she could have started it.

It's unfair to call someone a sexual predator when you actually don't know half of what's gone on.

My oh must be a sexual predator too then eh? Was i groomed without even knowing it? 🙄

The oxford dictionary definition of fit is "sexually attractive". You husbands comments are indecent, and he has admitted that the girl was vulnerable (low in confidence)

Please stop kidding yourself, these aren't innocent intentions. You just caught him out before it escalated

OP you can't intimate she's an adult regarding your husbands inappropriate messages whilst simultaneously consistently referring to her as a "girl".

Those texts sounds like something has happened between them (kiss, fondle, sex) or is about to. Saying that on texts on it's own is massively crossing the line. I'd be seriously contemplating whether you can be with this man or not.

... and my previous comment is without discussing his lack of respect for you and the potentially vulnerable situation this could put you and your family in from a financial situation. He's a toss pot

Phoenix - lots of people have said even leaning aside the age, they would still LTB. They OP asked what we would do, mostly we would leave him.
The fact the target of his affection is 17 is a whole other layer of shit,and it's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

LTB.

OP, you wanted some relationship advice on what to do now. No judging, that's been done.

You can't proceed until you've had really frank and really full disclosure from your DH. Are you sure you have seen absolutely all the texts?

Then I think you need to know exactly how he feels about what he's done, and exactly what he's going to do about his behaviour, like acknowledging what he did was wrong and sincerely apologising to the girl, and to you, and to her mother, for starters.

After that you may be able to ascertain your next moves and how you feel about him and whether you can see a future with him or not. Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.

If he said that to anyone regardless of the age that would be the end for me.

It's just disrespectful to you.

Er yes i can read and i said I'd leave as well actually.

I'm just sick of reading all this sexual predator shit when nobody knows the full story

Taking the age of the girl out of it, your husband is sending flirty messages to someone else. Someone he clearly finds attractive. If she was 30 people would be warning you that he is sounding her out, trying to see if she's interested, and heading towards an affair.
For that on its own, at the very least I would ask him to leave while you gather your thoughts.

The fact that they work together means he is leaving himself open to all sorts of trouble. Imagine she now comes forward and reports him for harassing her, stating that his messages make her uncomfortable but she doesn't know how to tell him to strop.

On top of that, the age of her makes this even more inappropriate and I would question his judgement - 17 year olds should be viewed as children by fully grown adults. Do you remember being 17? I know I thought I knew everything but was still very naive in my understanding of the world.

Wouldn't leave but would put my foot down so far there's be a hole in the floor.

(Other)Phoenix - perhaps understandably you seem to be taking this all very personally, but yes, the majority of people do feel that there is something very morally wrong about an adult man having sexual contact with a 17 year old. You introduced the term sexual predator btw. We can't possibly say what happened to you, but since you ask, there would be the definite concern that you could have been groomed, yes. I have a friend in a similar relationship, they've been together nearly 20 years now. In retrospect she admits privately that it wasn't right, even if it did 'work out' (personally I wouldn't accept the behaviour she does from her husband, I think he's a controlling misogynistic idiot, but horses for courses and all that, she excuses him because of his age at times!). Anyway - this thread isn't about you, you shouldn't feel the need to defend what the OP's husband has done because of your own experiences.

phoenixtherabbit

I would actually say yes. And I'd be worried about you at the time

Oh dear God. I've just written the employer safeguarding policy to cover our 17yo apprentice and this behaviour would be in contravention of that. He shouldn't even have her number.

I'd report him to his employer and social services. What a douche!

Surely the point is, he's married?

If a 17 year old initiated interest in my husband who is in his forties, asked for lifts everywhere, sent him photos, texted him flirting, I'd expect him to be horrified! Not give her lifts, respond in kind and then start up a relationship, technically consensual or not.

Surely when young men and women come on to you which can happen if you are a boss or a teacher, a nice moral married person body-swerves them, not encourages them?

Actually, he shouldn't be in the car with her on his own - what sort of employer is this?