Can I ask what you would do?

[sharksscareme]

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

In terms of your relationship - I'm a bit confused how this 'work experience' came about and how the girl's mother knows how to contact you?

This makes it sound like she is someone you know as a couple?

Anyway, whatever - if my DH/DP were being that flirty with anyone I would dump him. It's cheating, plain and simple. And he would allow it to go further, there's really no doubt about that.

And even if you don't consider it cheating, it still makes him a bit of a creepy sex-pest, even if the girl 'likes' it.

What would I do - dump his ass.

Sorry shark but innocent banter turns into harmless flirting which can progress. My STBXH had inappropriate boundaries with a young girl he worked with. It all started perfectly innocently. He's now living with her and I'm heading for the divorce courts.

Relationship advice only: I could not stay with a man who was manipulating a teenager for sexual thrills.

He wasn't boosting her ego, but his own, and getting a sexual thrill from crossing boundaries with a very young girl.

An older man can create a crush in an impressionable girl with one inappropriate look: it creates such confusion and sparks insecurity, rather than assuaging it. If she had a crush, he created it.

I could not respect this man and could no longer be with him.

Op, if you could take guidance from one post out of this avalanche of disgust at your husband's antics, let it be that of bakerwithboobs

It pretty much covers everything in a fair way. If you take objection to that one, then you actually are part of the problem

I am sorry this happened. I too think this is the real man laid bare. Not the man he presents himself to you as.

Sharks I posted something gentle a long way back, it's got lost amongst the in-fighting!

We're not all here shouting, there's lots of us trying to ask if you can put the age etc issues aside and work out the betrayal. Don't let it get to you, it's a bunch of strangers on the internet. None of us know you, pick out the useful comments and ignore the rest!

You have done nothing wrong, you are entirely blameless and whether you wish to continue you your marriage is up to you and your husband. I wish you the very best, and hope you can brush all this off, step away from MN and sort out what's going in real life.

OP

I am so sorry. It must be devastating. You are reeling and of course that makes you defensive

I have just copied and pasted mcnab's post because it's what I wanted to say:

Ok OP, leaving aside her age and the fact that she was there on a work experience placement, this would still be a deal-breaker for me. He was giving her lifts, texting inappropriately and working in close proximity to her. You only found out because someone else told you. In my opinion, this could only have escalated. There does seem to have been (a lot of) intent on his part. And I just couldn't get over that so my advice on that alone would be to separate. I personally couldn't get past it, it would eat away at me.

When you DO factor in her age and the whole work experience circumstances it adds a whole other level of appallingness! I know you're clearly upset over all this, but deep down you must know just how wrong this is. My husband is 45, there is no way in a million years I could imagine him doing something like that. But I know for certain that if he did, he'd be out on his arse immediately.

I'm so sorry for you OP, he's a sleezebag. It's NOT your fault, nobody is blaming you (but you are minimising) it's 200% his fault and you need to decide if you can continue in a relationship with him. I couldn't

AF, what I was objecting to was the insistence that I am part of the problem, when in fact hardly anyone has asked me how I am, what I have done, how I feel.

I feel like hell. And I'm not minimising. None of you have a clue the pain I'm in. And every time someone says I'm minimising it I want to scream.

I know loads of 17 year olds not in education
so thats bollocks

I know.

I think it was the tone of your first few posts where you were insistent that the communications were not sexual (they were)

That you were so sure he hadn't touched her (you can't know that)

And that he hasn't broken any laws (he has broken employment laws, and as you say, moral ones)

They look like excuses. The kind of shit he will be feeding you. The bollocks you should be having no part of.

This is all a huge shock. To find out your husband is no better than the likes of men who use their position to manipulate young women. The age of sexual consent is a red herring here.

Tell someone in RL. Someone you trust who won't minimise it. Don't keep his dirty secret for him. And look after yourself, this is not your fault.

DrScholl it's the law in England: they could well be doing vocational qualifications and therefore present as being in the workplace, or have part time work placements and so on, but the law is very clear. You may think the law is bollocks-there are many who would agree-but it is the law nonetheless.

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

And OP, I'm genuinely sorry if my post offended you, I simply thought it was important that you understood the situation from the outside in it's entirety to allow you to make your choices from your own perspective. Your post asks what people would do, and I suppose this means that you will always get advice that includes more than you wanted. Only you can decide what is best for your marriage. It's not your fault in the slightest and unless we were to walk in your shoes, our advice can only be third party. Good luck, I hope it works out for you, quite genuinely.

Urgh lucky not to have a sexual harassment claim filed against him. Creepy bastard.

I wasn't trying to minimise AF but to give a full picture of what did happen and along with that, what didn't. If that even makes sense.

baker, I'm not offended. I feel your post was a little too 'teachery' to be fully relevant but if they are your experiences then so they are. I don't want to go into a full explanation of the hows and whys as it's not relevant. I understand people are interested but it could out me or DH I don't care about the latter but I use this username for private stuff, so ...

OP I've seen it written somewhere that when a relationship ends (particularly before having kids) - you feel like your whole future has been taken away, and it sounds like that's how you feel when you contemplate having to end the relationship over this.

It has not; you can meet someone else and have a family with someone else. Many people have been in your position, both with and without kids, and have met another partner and had the life they wanted.

You may feel like your world has fallen apart, but your world will put itself back together again.

His behaviour suggests poor boundaries - both with fidelity and age-appropriateness; I would worry about what those poor boundaries would mean for you and your future family if you have it with him. Obviously I don't know, but I also wonder about his general behaviour and whether there's more you just don't know about.

Also despicable that he tries to twist and excuse his inappropriate behaviour by making out that it was because he's such a nice guy (boosting someone's ego).

This must be hard, take it easy on yourself and remember this is a reflection on him and him only, not you.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

He made his choices now it is time for you to make yours but you don't have to make them right now. You could ask him to move out for a bit to give you space, or you go somewhere else. As a minimum he deletes her number and doesn't have any alone time with her.

I would be annoyed that my husband would be even texting or whattsapping her, my trust in him would be seriously shattered

Sharks I honestly really feel for you, the initial shock that you must have felt was clearly matter of factly and without many details - no idea what kind of marriage you have, or how you feel, just a lot of OMG.

It's a massive shock I cannot imagine, and you only have bits and bobs of it that you are trying to put together to make sense of it.

Initially people were trying to seduce whether this was going to be a police knocking on the door type of situation and it doesn't seem that it is, although there could still be wider repercussions for him, they shouldn't be for you to have to address - it's his fuck up.

I think OP understands the seriousness of it. It is also natural to be totally questioning whether it's really that bad when it comes down to losing everything. Everyone has doubts about whether they are doing the right thing, whether it's an over reaction and it can take time to process all of that.

This comes down to now, he's destroyed the trust. Sex or no sex it's crossed a line for you that you can't change. So what do you do now? I can understand that no one wants to lose everything, based on something that might have or not have been. He's been such a fool and ruined what you thought you had.

*deduce

Quite honestly merville I would be pushing it. I am 36. I have perhaps four childbearing years left. And yes, I do feel like everything's been destroyed. Thank you, for the more supportive tone to posts.

How is he behaving towards you? Have you had space to think?

Sharks I'm pregnant with my first child at 40.
My mum's hairdresser had her kids at 40 and 43.
I know two women who had kids at 45.
There was a thread on here recently on this subject with a large no. of women posting who'd had kids in their 40's (some first time mums, some 2nd marriage).
Even if you were to have fertility issues, there are options.

(Aside from all rights & wrongs) I just worry if you have them with him, you'll be in a not dissimilar situation to this again in time. However if you do and want to divorce & share custody etc. then; of course that's an option. It would still be potentially v painful/stressful but you'd be going in with your eyes open).

sharks your pain comes through in your posts loud and clear. You are right to feel that your world has come crashing down, that's certainly how I'd feel.

When did you find out? Were you aware of the girl before then? Had your husband mentioned her in a work (or any) capacity? What has his reaction been? Have you any idea at this stage what you'd like to do? (for example ask him to move out and give you some space etc) and finally has he ever been unfaithful or done anything like this before? So many questions, but it might help you to work through how you're feeling and what your options are.

But please remember that you are NOT to blame for this, in any way

I want to send you a big hug, as I said earlier I do know how you feel , it's devastating , it's like the guy you look at every day has turned into someone you really don't know and yet whilst in this limbo situation you have to carry on sort of 'as normal' whilst feeling like the very worst hangover you have ever had. It's your decision as you know him better than any of us but being honest I think you may find if he can do this with no kids , the minute life gets tough with young kids he may be prone to needing that kind of buzz , depends if you feel you would rather have a family with the possibility that he may not be your forever man

Yeah. I know merville. It's still not a lot of time. Three years to meet someone, three years to conceive a child. Very very tight. Anyway. Sorry, not really the point but I was ready for children. I need children. And now that's gone.