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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/03/2017 14:45

when the time is right HmmGrin

Please don't fall for this shit.

PinxTheTinxMinx · 17/03/2017 14:46

You've done nothing wrong and you deserve so much better than him. Walk away and don't look back Flowers

xStefx · 17/03/2017 14:46

But he said that his wife doesn't actually care as they're just co-parenting and lead separate lives

But I bet if you threaten to tell her that story will soon change, sorry OP you just sound like your trying to make excuses now.

If your happy being the other woman then fine, your in for a disappointing ride.

Forager · 17/03/2017 14:47

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, but he isn't the man you want him to be.

Being lied to will of course knock your self confidence, but you have to know that he was the one in the wrong utterly. You didn't choose to sleep with a married man.

I'm really sorry for the loss of the relationship you thought you were building.

wherearemymarbles · 17/03/2017 14:48

Age 5 is the perfect time.
Just started school
No exams looming
No change of school looming
No teenage angst looming
Young enough to adapt quickly

LaGatoteca · 17/03/2017 14:48

And don't believe a word he says about his child or his relationship,with his child.

If he loved his child he wouldn't be out cheating on mummy, which is always going to be leaving an unexplored bomb around in a kid's life.

The only person who matters to him is himself. The most important person in his life is himself.

He just says that he doesn't want to,hurt his child because he knows that you, a normal decent woman would never hurt a child. That strategy carries extra bonus points for him because it paints him as "good dad" which usually carries brownie points with women.

As always with these types, crock of shit.

PolkadotPony · 17/03/2017 14:48

You won't be his only girlfriend

There will never be a right time. Right now his dc has just started school, then his wife will need him, then his brothers uncles sisters grandmas goldfish will have died.... etc

Being an OW is shit and you will only be alone with him. Believe me.

ChicRock · 17/03/2017 14:50

He's married and online dating.

You're not his first, you won't be his last and you're certainly not his 'only'.

AuntieStella · 17/03/2017 14:50

He's feeding you cliche after cliche, and you have no way of knowing if he is telling the truth. But you do know that he's an accomplished liar.

You did nothing wrong, as you did not know that he is a married father.

But you do know now, and it would be wrong to keep seeing him. Especially as he's told you upfront that he wont be leaving his wife for you.

Unless of course you actually want to be the mistress of a man who has no intention of having you as anything other than a bit in the side.

and yes, STI check

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 14:51

I'm sorry - I think my biggest issue right now is how I have been taken on this massive ride. How did I not have a gut feeling. I have always thought myself to be intuitive, smart and astute. I feel like I've just been shown up to be the world's biggest fool.

OP posts:
PolkadotPony · 17/03/2017 14:52

He lied, he's the shit, not you. I'm sure he was very convincing, and charming. They usually are. I know you feel delicate, you've done something you wouldn't have done knowingly.

bubbathebuilder · 17/03/2017 14:52

I have never ever seen everybody on a thread agree before. I hope that shows you what to do - it can't be the case that everybody else is wrong, when they have even told you things this guy would say, before you posted he had said them?

I genuinely feel for you. The guy is a lying, cheating rat. I do hope you find some peace, as you have not done anything wrong yet.

I remember chatting to a then-colleague of mine a few years back. She was telling me about her new husband. She had met him when he moved jobs to where she worked. He had a partner and kids, but left her when he met my colleague. Actually, he mad met his previous partner when he started working with her - even though at that time he was married to his first wife. He had met his first wife at work. Anyway, to get away from it all, they had moved to the North West to start a new life. Where she had come to work with us, and he had got a new job somewhere else.

I remember sitting looking at this talented, brilliant, exceptionally bright, gorgeous woman and thinking "surely you can see what is coming next". I probably don't need to fill in the next detail of the story from 6 months later.

This guy is who he is. This is not about you. I am sorry, but this is about him and what he wants. He is genuinely quite happy to hurt you to get what he wants for as long as he can.

Please walk away.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/03/2017 14:52

Contact her. Tell him this is what you intend to do and watch him run for the hills. He'll tell her you've been stalking him and obsessing about him. He paint you as a bunny boiler!

Littleballerina · 17/03/2017 14:53

Do you believe what he says about their relationship?

You've done nothing wrong up to this point. Now that you know you have to decide whether you become the ow or if you leave him.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 14:53

"He told me he had to tell me something and would "understand" if it changed our relationship"

That's really clever.

I almost admire him for how he has played you with that.

He doesn't even have to bother hiding the marriage any more.

So important to economise how many lies you have to tell.

You wait, he'll start showing you pictures of the kid at the school play next.

BaymaxismyHero · 17/03/2017 14:53

I wonder if his wife knows they are just 'friends'. He's stringing you along.
Don't believe this whole I'll tell them soon crap. Soon will never come. There will always be something in the way birthday/Christmas/anniversary/wife's feeling low/kids ill/just not the right time/when they're at senior school/uni...
Don't waste your time, love and effort with this married man.

If he was going to leave his wife he would have done it already.

purpleshortcake · 17/03/2017 14:53

If it's just a friendship with his wife then has he told his wife he's seeing someone? If it's all out in the open with her that's different. You'd obviously need to be able to verify this with his wife - by phone or by meeting. Otherwise he's just lied to you and her...and it's not as if you met and fell for each by accident - he was on an online dating site so actively looking for his next woman...

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/03/2017 14:54

Stop blaming yourself and start getting angry at the twat who has made you feel this way. Fuck him off sharpish.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 14:54

I feel like I've just been shown up to be the world's biggest fool.

You would only be a fool if you carried on with him.

Men like this are terrifying. They can charm the birds out the trees and will swear black is white. It's not your fault, he's the one who's done wrong.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 17/03/2017 14:54

He hasn't fallen for you, he simply wants a side fuck.

Block block block.

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 14:55

PolkadotPony Yes, very convincing, very charming and very accomplished in life. I'm quite a bit younger than him and I admit that I was a bit in awe of him. I really didn't see any of this coming. Not a single clue.

OP posts:
StewPots · 17/03/2017 14:55

This is such a shitty situation OP, and I really feel for you here...you had no idea and now this is spring on you just when you have fallen for him. Awful.

He, on the other hand, knew exactly what he was doing, has lied to you and his wife, and god knows who else, he's OLD so he's obviously been after no-strings for a while...please don't take this any further. You will get hurt much more than you have already - cut your losses and run.

You sound like a decent person with a conscience too. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you won't think about his wife and child when you're together? Of course you will, and it will become the cornerstone of your relationship. He will never leave them, he's having his cake and eating it and using you to do so.

He's basically taking the piss. Please don't let him...you sound nice and certainly not OW status so...just cut ties, deal with your own heartbreak, and be thankful you're not the wife.

xStefx · 17/03/2017 14:56

Smashedinductionhob - he said that because he knew OP was falling for him and knew she would start asking questions. Yes he was setting himself up quite nicely there.

PolkadotPony · 17/03/2017 14:56

Without being rude, are you a little vulnerable? They can smell that on you, you know. It's an easy target for them.

I absolutely understand.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 17/03/2017 14:57

His wife will have a very different view of their marriage than the one he's giving you.
He won't be leaving his wife and child. If they do split up it will be because she's found out about his cheating ways and gets rid of him.
If you stay with him you're signing yourself up to certain misery. Lonely weekends, holidays, Christmas. Wondering whether he'll be able to call you or snatch an hour here or there to visit. You'll be alone whilst he is with his family enjoying himself. The lies he's telling you and the lies he will continue to tell you have been told a million times before by similar men. He wants a bit on the side. What a boring cliche. Don't be that bit.