I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

[RegretIsMyMiddleName]

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

Soulaccount I posted way, way upthread saying block him delete him have a glass of wine and forget about him etc, I think my first post was fairly supportive, but after 12 pages of people saying leave and the op seemingly dithering I simply agreed with another poster that it didn't sit right....not sure what I need to apologise for? I'm sorry the op has been let down by this fucker, but she isn't some kind of hero to be congratulated because she has decided not to continue with him...surely that is the minimum we can expect from anyone with a moral compass

Op, it is so shit. I'm glad you feel angry at him. You clearly know your own worth. Don't take the nasty comments too much to heart. You don't owe updates or replies around other people's schedules. Some responses aren't surprising given where you posted - many women here have been cheated on and many posters have provided online support through that. I totally get you not wanting to tell his wife. I'd want to know if I was the wife, but i think I'd also leave it in your situation. The male friend with cheating partner I mentioned up thread hasn't been told. Not by me, anyway. I suspect he and his family have very strong suspicions about why I suddenly stopped seeing her, but I know enough about their lives to know the absolute shitstorm I would create if I openly said it and forced them to face it. I think they want to kept their heads buried. You have no idea of what the consequences could be for his wife and child, or how you could be further dragged into things. Make sure you tell your friends though. Don't cover for the bastard. Good friends won't think you are an idiot or be pleased you got your comeuppance for being smug. Not that I think you sound smug, but I thought you may be worrying you'd come across that way when you talked of being embarrassed to tell your friends. They would have surely have just been happy that you'd found a great boyfriend. And will now be angry on your behalf.

Someone lovely who deserves you will come along one day op

In no way is this your fault. People like him are skilled in lying and cheating.

Op has done the right thing, well done to her

I always apologise if I think it due.

I judge people on their actions. Yesterday she hadn't dumped him and was making the same sort of noises that countless OW make when justifying continuing to see a MM.

No apology from me on this one. OP has done nothing more than she ought to have done.

Well done OP. Of course it is a shock and I totally get that it takes a day or two for everything to right itself in your head. But you did the right thing.

You deserve more than the half life this man would have offered you. You deserve someone who is actually in a position to put you first (he was putting himself first, not you, not his child, not his wife) and offer you a proper relationship.

I know it is hard, but don't blame yourself. Men like him know exactly what to do and say to reel you in. Lots of people would fall for it. What is the other option? Hire a private detective to check them out before a first date?

I was cheated on and I wish someone had told me. I felt humiliated and betrayed and like i had been living a lie when I found out. It might be worth considering - not for the drama but to save his wife the however many years she has to come of being cheated on. It's not pleasant, but in her shoes, I'd rather have the information.

LucieLucie "No point on us all taking any more time to advise the OP, she's clearly lost interest in being told what's glaringly obvious.

Women like her make it easy for men to cheat. She's a fool."

AnyFucker "This thread is just another of those "OW" attention seeking me-fests

A way to eke out as much drama as possible. To talk about the love of her life even if the replies are negative. Feeding it just adds to the lovelorn angst because of course she cannot speak it in RL.

This will run and run. Page after page of "It's not your fault, hun".

Not blocked him yet ? No reply to that is there?. Just more bollocks about "he's texting me...look at all these communications between us".

So fucking what. If you were that bothered about fucking a married man you would not be hesitating. You would not be looking for ways to talk about him with random online. You would not be silently reading his texts and doing fuck all.

She will be shagging him as we speak."

Well, it seems you were wrong.

At no point did the OP suggest she was anything other than upset and horrified at the position she was in. Of course it was upsetting for her alongside knowing it had to stop - precisely because she was upset at him being married / cheating.The number of posters piling in to point out the obvious (while the OP is busy) does not mean she is planning a U turn.

These responses are unfair, harsh, have been proven to be wrongly critical of the OP. This kind of response puts people off posting when they feel vulnerable. There are ways to challenge people without flaming them, pouring scorn on them, being sarcastic about them or belittling them.

AnyFucker, I have seen you give good advice.

It undermines your credible wisdom when you are dismissive and rude.

IMO.

I don't actually give much of a toss about your opinion, Soul

And Don't do the faux "I am disappointed in you" shtick

I am disappointed in anyone that doesn't immediately jettison a person who has acted like this bloke has

I don't always agree with AF. We have actually disagreed but I am 100% with her on this. That bloke should have been kicked straight to the kerb. No ifs buts or maybes.

Soul, you probably would have had more credibility if you had posted before AF had congratulated the op on (finally) doing the right thing. That way you could have made your 'ner ner, AF you got it wrong' point with a tad more awareness.
Better luck next time.

Not sure if anyfucker or the people agreeing with her have ever been through the same thing, but it does take a bit of time to adjust to a new reality. When i found out someone had lied to me it took about a week for it to sink in, and to then tell them to foxtrot oscar. They weren't with someone, it was someone i was seeing who had lied about another woman - not that it matters. It was a shock and it took some time to sink in. I am with soul on this one.

This thread isn't about me.

Thanks, Anne. It is possible to agree on one thread but not on another.

LittleOldLady - I did actually. You missed my post this morning.

I am not interested in ner ner.

I am interested in support for women who need it when they are in an upsetting situation. It is possible to do this without having a go and speculating over her presumed / supposed weakness.

But this thread is not about me either, but I will speak as I find, as will AF.

I have said all I want to or will say on this now.

OP: good luck.

Is 16 pages of support not enough? Fucking hell. She went on a few dates with the guy. It is dissapointing but come on, she should be grateful she can walk away and isn't his wife who has built her whole life around him, or the child that will eventually find out what a scumbag daddy is. Count your blessings, move on.

I've been that wifey bringing up two small children in good faith, still having sex with him, leading the family life. Being lied to over and over again. It broke my heart. He cried like a baby when I kicked him out.

Put yourself in her shoes. And find a good man. He is not one.